Last night was a blast, I had so much fun with my coworkers and friends. I may have drank just a little to much, but I think I deserve some fun sometimes and if you don't agree, well who cares. Love all of the people who came out to support our Light the Night Comedy night fundraiser and and I delivered what was promised, fun, comedy and me drunk and stupid.
The comedians rocked, I embarrassed my self so they didn't have to, for those of you who were there all I gotta say is 13 lmao, I can't believe I said that out loud!
I can not remember the last time I got to sit, talk, drink, laugh and just be me, really be myself. It has been a long while. Before I go on with the therapy session I just want to thank each of you for being there and helping me to find that fun person I once was, even if for one night! That person who don't care and just wants to live life as it comes.
I was me, it was good, but Michael was missing, he was not himself, he didn't feel to good as usual, he got tired early and we had to leave. He laughed at the comedy show, but he didn't socialize or talk much or seem to enjoy being out and company. Most people though either he didn't like them or we were fighting lol. Nope, this is just what cancer has done to him. I told him today that next time we go out he should pick the place and let's go do something he wants to do, I told him I want him to have some fun. He said that there is no point, he won't have fun no matter where he goes. Some how, some way we will get his happy back. I miss him, I miss being silly with him out, him singing karaoke and me drunk dancing and acting like he is a rock star. I miss shooting pool and both of us sucking. I miss playing domino's at the kitchen table while we argue over what music to listen to. This missing him, this feeling lonely has taken me to a place I never though I would be with him or my self. I realized this today. I won't go in to details and it's not anything bad or for those you who are still hoping, will cause us to split up, just a realization of feelings that I had to check and I did.
So much has changed in the last year, I am still adjusting in some ways I guess. Somethings I just simply don't want to adjust to and am giving it that teenage stubbornness that says "hell no mom, you can't make me" . I believe somethings in life aren't meant to be accepted, but changed, I am still changing. I feel like sometimes all I do is complain and I don't want to be that person, I don't want people to not want to talk to me because I am that girl that complains all the time. I just miss my best friend, my partner in crime!! Like right now, I am starving, I want some taco bell, this time last year, I would have said lets go to taco in our pajama's and house shoes, I am hungry and he would have said "your nuts" and we would have went anyways, only he wouldn't have worn his house shoes and he would have wore pajama's disguised as cloths! But this year, I just sit here lonely while I let him rest because he needs his rest.
Ok moving on to the next item on the agenda, This next round has the shit scared out of me, his body and his will is so weak anymore. I feel like he has kind of just stopped trying. He does what needs to be done, but I feel like he is relying the meds alone and not on his self, his attitude, his persistence and his want to be here with me and the kids. Losing him has been a fear since the first day, but over the last few months that fear has subsided a little until this week. People see him and say he looks good or seems to be doing well. He works hard for that appearance and even so, even when he is having a great day, he is not Big Mike, Vic Viscious and no that is not a spelling error that is how he spells it. He is not my asshole that I love so much.
With as much fun as I had last night and I did have so much much fun with you guys, today is back to reality, the reality that I had fun with out him, he was there, but he was gone. The reality that because he was there (physically) he is not mentally or physically today. We went to his moms and went swimming he walked around the pool, but still not him, he wouldn't make a whorl pool with us or bug the kids or even bitch about their annoying splashing and silliness.
Reality bites, but it is what it is, it is my reality and I am adjusting. I would take this reality any day though over the reality of not having him here, in my life, even if it is just to watch him sleep.
I love you Michael and I thank god that I had you here to celebrate our anniversary with and even though you was not your self, you are mine and I am yours and forever I will fight to get you back from this evil disease!
