I remember being a child, first a toddler wanting to be big enough to get a big girl cup and wear big girl panties, than being a young girl who wanted to wear make up and have boys like me and well, I already had the boobs.Than there was adolescence, you wanted to be a cool teenager so bad and get to drive a car, or at least ride in a friends car, freedom was what we all wanted at that age, room to grow and be who we knew we were destine to be. Sex fun and gossip was what it was about. Then came young adult hood, late teens and early twenties, but not worry by this time you know everything there is to know about life and the problem is just that no one understand you! Problems then was where to go and hang out, and who was sleeping with who and who was in or out that week, my life was ruined by things like a girlfriend talking bad about you or dating a boy you liked. A simple dirty look or eye roll could just fuck up your whole day. The ultimate problem was people who didn't like you always starting trouble, calling you names, and judging you unfairly.
Well evidently I am a grown up now, ultimately that happened really fast over the last year and even though that last part is kind of still the same, the part about people not liking me and judging me unfairly, the rest has drastically changed and I would love for something like a spat with a girl friend to be my BIGGEST troubles and to be what kept me up at night, like this night when I have work tomorrow and need to be resting.
Things are not that simple anymore, back then it seemed like such a heavy burden, but now it seems like a vacation and even a little fun. I would trade "Brainwashing wife" "Bad Mother" or "Broke" FOR "fatty fatty" or "Bo Bo" or "Bubbles" any day. Those names may have hurt my feelings, but the ones I get called these days hurt my soul and my family. That though it not even a real problem, just petty bullshit.
Now grown up problems keep me up at night, like Cancer, who thought that at my age that would be such a common factor in a my life, my blog and my strength. Just in the last few weeks, my husband continues his fight, a friend I love has been struggling with the loss of her husband, another friend I adore and love was diagnosed and a new friend, but one with just as much of a connection to my life found out her husbands cancer is back. The common factor is all these stories is Cancer, something that was someone else's problem and not mine until a year ago and now it is my problem on many different levels, as a care taker, a wife, a mother and I am also trying to define my role as a friend and supporter to those who need me as much as I need them. I have found that all my years of "being the friend" and listening I have become good at being support for those who allow me to be. I have been the person in my family that often is the problem solver, the helper, the voice of logic, but I am just now branching out more to people who really need me. I had to also take on a role that was very difficult for me and still feels awkward, I have had to be the vulnerable one who needs help and has had to learn how to accept it. But because of people I have met that have given me that support it makes me very aware and willing to pay it forward, i have learned from great friends like Carin, Tami, Mary and Barb how to be a good support in this community on these journey's and I embrace it and I get to help others, make friends and there fore allow other to pay it forward by learning from what I have been taught. It may not make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.
My problems now are harder even though my life and child hood was no easy road because now I am the adult, the grown up, the decision maker, the figurer outer, the voice of reason, the one that is looked up to by those innocent people I created with love. I sometimes sit and think, I sometimes drift off in my own world and get lost, but one thing I drift off to lately is trying to figure out when I became the adult and if I am a good one or if my kids will look back at this time in our lives and be scared and feel I let them down. I feel very let down by my parents as an adult just as I did as a child and I don't want that.
This journal entry was inspired by my chldren, i am amazed at the people they are becoming and how they still like to spend time with me though I would expect them to be pushing me away. I talk to them often about serious and silly things. When I hear my daughter come home ranting about her day and school and troubles ( you know little girls) it takes me back and makes me laugh, I try not to take it to serious, but let her talk and share my experiences with her. Why did I want to grow up so fast? I wish I had not had to, I wish I had been allowed to be a child. Through talking to the kids though it took me back to the days of ole when the boy you like liking another girl was just the end of the world. I long for those days because this version of being a grown up that I got sucks. I make the best of it, don't get me wrong, it sucks, but we make it suck with style, I just wish I didn't have to try so hard all the time.
I have stressed to my kids to enjoy their childhood and to embrace it, I don't want them to grow up to fast and I don't care who makes fun of my son for playing with Barbies, better then kissing your daughter right!
I think though I have done a better job on my kids because during this conversation that inspired this post I tell Meredith that she is growing up so fast and before long she will be driving and dating and so on and she said to me that she didn't want to grow up, she wanted to stay a kid. At her age I wanted to grow a year a week.
This is another ranting post that don't make much sense I suppose, but the moral to the story is don't grow up to fast and even when you do, take time out to be a kid it will keep you sane.
Hugs and Kisses to you all,
Stefanie aka Fluffy
