So I woke up around 5am after a restless sleep, but I didn't wake up like I usually do, which is thinking. I usually wake up already in thought and lay here thinking about any random thing that pops in my head, good, bad, funny, sad, there really is no specific thing that keeps me awake most nights. This morning was different, I woke up crying, now I am human, I do cry, I tear occasionally, mostly in the shower so no one really knows. At church I used to cry a lot until God took away those tears and put his arms around me. When I cry it could just be a flow of tears, a few tears or a mild emotional cry and complain to Michael about what ever is "making" me cry. This was different though, this was, as my friend Mo would put it "a snot cry" this was truly an emotional burst of feeling, stress, fear and sadness that my inner self could no longer carry, It lasted for over an hour, my crying usually last a couple minutes or at worst a full shower.
I have not blogged in some time because I usually make someone mad or hurt their feelings even though it really isn't about them it is about me having an outlet for my feelings, I am writer that is how we process feelings. I share them because my life has to mean something, the things I have been through has to mean something to someone other than me, I fantasize about my experiences helping someone else cope, learn or simply not feel as alone as I often do. So in short, who ever takes this personal, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I am going to get personal as usual, I am not asking for anyone to DO anything, I don't want people to FEEL bad for me. As for what I do want out of this is to feel a little better and maybe have a few people UNDERSTAND me.
Not sure where to start and get this out as quick as possible because I must get ready to take the kids to the "How to festival" at the Library, going to be good fun even if it is raining and I can't feed them lunch lol.
Most of you know things have been hard since Mike got sick, not just financially but emotionally. The family has come out ok, the kids are better adjusted then they should be in my opinion because they didn't only have to deal with cancer but crazy selfish people who made a choice to make our lives more stressful and difficult, but that is a few blogs back, back to present day ;)
We have made it out alive so to speak, but there has been an OZ here, a person behind the curtain sacrificing and struggling, being afraid all the time and knowing how importation her job is, someone who gets things done, bills paid, kids listened to and emotionally taken care of, husband medicated, doctored up and kept healthy. There is a person who makes it all seem easy, that person I am sure you know is me. I am again not wanting pity or it to sound like I am complaining, just simply admitting it because this plays a role in why I woke up "snot crying" this morning.
Lately things have seemed extra difficult, I have learned to trust god, for the most part, we struggle but we seem to get by, but some weeks, months, days I guess I kinda of wait for God to run out, now wait, don't take that wrong, I know my God won't give up on me or abandon me, but in my life experience before I found my relationship with god has been that you can't trust things or people because they typically don't care as much as you need them to, sometime this is because they just don't care and sometimes it is because they don't know how. Again not talking about anyone specific so please don't freak out and start sending me messages saying I was being mean to you or someone else when I said that, if you feel guilty or some kind of way, well that is not me talking but I will help you work it out if you need an ear. Point being is I guess I am still learning to trust GOD fully and sometimes that makes me feel like a bad person or not a true believer.
Recently someone else that I care deeply about has gotten sick, cancer has struck again, I am not going to blog about that, but that again left me feeling helpless and scared in many ways. Also this year my family lost my husbands grandmother to cancer and a friend of mine recently lost her battle with cancer. These are all difficult and added to my feelings and fears I think, even though I don't really talk about it.
Ok, so to the point because I must go shower and get ready to take these kids to learn how to do stuff. Well I have been dealing with some things myself but only because I have too, I prefer the ignore it, it will go away method when it comes to myself. I can't ignore this.
Some know the extent of the pain I have been dealing with for the last few years, but most don't, most know I have had some pain but most don't realize it has become such a large part of my life as well as other symptoms. Due to necessity, necessity being it affecting my job, I have had to start to seek answers to the multitude of symptoms I have been having. I was thinking they were all separate issues that I needed to address. Surprise I was wrong! During this need to get better journey I started with the pain because it was affecting my everyday life and ability to work. After an exam by a couple doctors and and MRI I have been diagnosed with Cervical spinal stenosis which was explained to me as a narrowing of the spinal canal, not operable and I will need pain management to help me and I don't know what that will consist of at this time because I have rescheduled the appointment twice due to being broke. It is what it is folks, having to choose between going to the doctor or buying food sucks, especially when you work 10 to 12 hours a day and pay 650 dollars a month for health insurance, but hey that is life. I thought ok, I will do some physical therapy and maybe take some meds and it will be ok. Well I decided to call and talk to the doctor because I still have all these other symptoms and I honestly wanted to find out if pain management was really necessary as my doctor is willing to write my pain meds every month (should have been my first clue these days) and I still don't know how I will afford the visits or what ever therapy they will do. Yep this is when it got real, the talk with the doctor and google of course.
Yes I have cervical spinal stenosis, something that you typically don't get until after the age of 50 and my symptoms started over 2 years before I seeked help because I was taking care of Mike, this meant I didn't have time for me and I thought my discomfort in my body was because I was pushing my self so hard to care for him and I was pushing my body so hard to care for the family. I figured I hurt because I lifted him, helped him and I was doing everything alone such as going to the store, cleaning, working, and cleaning was no easy task with a neutropedic husband in the house that could not tolerate germs because it could kill him. Ok so back to the point, I don't JUST have cervical spinal stenosis, I have Cervical spinal stenois and it is bad, it has already gotten to the point where my spinal cord is being compromised and thus causing the pain, it is bad guys. All of my current problems, well except my anxiety lol seem to be related to this one issue. I have been having trouble controlling my bladder, I have been running in to things a lot, even got my eyes rechecked, I trip over my own feet all the time, not just sometimes, I do it many times a day. I bump in to cubicles at work with my right arm, I am off balance a lot. I have extreme pain when I stand or walk for very long at all, I had passed this off solely to my weight. I have major muscle weakness in my arms and legs, it is very bad in my right arm, doctor said that that the reason my right arm is the worst is because I had injured it when we were moving from Raven to Shasta and it caused the symptoms to progress quicker on that arm. I could in reality with out help or maybe with, lose the use of my arms or even my legs. I working hard to do my part, trying to increase my exercise and movement and lose weight, but the rest is in the hands of doctors that I can't afford. The pain and muscle weakness scare me the most, some of the other stuff is embarrassing but not as scary to me. All of these things from my bladder to my balance are because of the spinal cord being compromised.
So why did I wake up snot crying, well because I feel alone, that is part of it, but mostly because I am scared, not for my health but for my family, I am the she-ra of this operation, if I fall we all do. Though we struggle often to buy healthy food (meaning food that is healthy for our bodies like not from a box) we eat, though we don't usually have money fun, we find ways to play, free events like the one I am running a risk of being late for today eeek, or we splurge and sacrifice food or gas to do something fun. We always pay our rent and car payment, though some months I wonder how. The point is we do it, BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND I KNOW THAT IS NO ONE BUT HIM, WE MAKE IT! However how do I chose between making it and taking care of me, because this is like the chicken and egg! If I don't take care of me I can't take care of us, but if I take care of me I can't take care of us. I am not asking for money or sympathy, there are people who need those things more than me, but I do need you all PRAY that I figure it out, but more IMPORTANTLY PRAY that I can learn how to trust, trust my GOD to take care of me and the people that need me.
