If I was a WIZARD

Eyes filled with tears, sitting across the kitchen table in his striped button up shirt and trademark fedora "I wish I had magic powers and could shoot magic in to daddy and make him all better, but I know that can't happen" these were the words of my 12 year old son as he starts to talk to me about his dads illness this evening. He tells me how he don't understand how the medications are making his dad so sick and that he thought medicine was supposed to make you better. He goes on to tell me that he had a bad dream and is afraid that it will be real "I dreamed that dad was getting chemo and he just passed out on the floor and died". His eyes welled up with tears as he expressed to me the weight of the fears he is carrying. "I see dad so sick a lot and I am afraid he will die, I don't want my dad to die" He tells me that he is scared his dad will get hurt because he needs a wheel chair. "I have seen dad fall down". He expresses that he loves his daddy and he don't want to go have fun if his dad can't fun with him. He misses the days when they could wrestle and go bowling. This just turned 12 year old little man who has had to endure more than most adults asks me if he can get a job and help me take care of dad, he tells me that he is afraid that if President Obama don't get re-elected that his dad won't have the insurance he needs and he wants to help me pay for his dads medications. I am heart broken that they will not have a good Christmas this year because I can not give them what I would like and he is worried about his dad not having medication and dying. Talk about perspective!

Below are pictures that Ethan drew for me in his new picture journal one is of how he see's cancer, it is the awareness ribbon draw as a devil and the second is of his dream that he had.

WHAT CANCER LOOKS LIKE TO ETHAN

ETHAN'S DREAM

Meredith sits puffed up at the table, joining the conversation nearing the end, I asked her if she had anything she would like to talk to about. She tells me NO! in a very stern manor, but with hurt behind it. I didn't want to push her, but I did tell her that it was ok if she wanted to talk and tell us how she was feeling or if she was carrying any fears. As she fights back fears she crosses her arms as to get her point across and tells me that she does not want to talk about it.

Once the conversation is over, hugs have been given, tears have been wiped and explanations to questions have been answered to try and ease the minds of the little people who know and carry so much despite the efforts to try to keep the fears and worry from them. I have them go take their showers and prepare for bed, this is when Ethan drew his pictures when he was in bed. Meredith comes in here and says "mom I need to tell you something, but I don't want Ethan to hear me" We secure the perimeter and assure he can't hear and she says to me "I have known since you told me that dad cancer that he could get another cancer and he could die" I just looked at her, not sure what answer she was wanting from me and waiting to see if there was more she needed to add. she then prompting me to confirm her statement said "well I am right aren't I" I explained to her that yes it could happen but if we spent our days worrying about all the things that could happen then we would miss all the good things that are happening. She told me that she guessed I was right, but how can she be happy when things are so scary. I told her that we just have to work at it together every day and make lots of good memories to last us a life time and that I believed that we would have a life time to make those memories. She gave me a big hug and went to bed.

I am not sure why these conversations came up this evening, I think maybe because we went to Gilda's and some emotions came up and also Michael was gone to the movies tonight instead of with us at Gilda's and when we got home all those emotions were there in a house with out dad and they felt like it was a good time to talk to me and for dad not to hear them. It is hard for the kids to open up for the same reasons it is for us adults to open up. If we speak it than it may just be real, if we admit our fears they could come true.

It has been a hard week, I won't deny that, but we have tried to carry that burden ourselves, the kids even spent the weekend with my mother so we could have the time we needed to get the emotions of the new worries we have. By the time we got home from Gilda's tonight I felt drained, not from Gilda's but the from the accumulation of the week, then talking about it, knowing I have to go back to work tomorrow when I am not sure I am want to face people or answer any more questions, Meredith throwing a fit in the car and acting out or reacting to feelings. I didn't think I had anything left in me to give until my kids needed me and at that moment I could have went all night comforting them, listening to them and doing everything in my power to make it better.

As I finish this entry Michael is in Ethan's room talking to him, When Michael got home I didn't tell Michael the conversation that I had with Ethan, I just told him that he needed to put on the dad hat and go give his son hug, I hear tears and I love you coming from both of my men and I hear comfort and encouragement from dad for Ethan not to hold in his feelings. I hear him explaining why his body is weak and hear a dad telling his son that he is not leaving him willingly, not in those words, but the point was there.

Now he is off to Meredith's room to tuck her in and tell her good night! She is already asleep!

No matter my fears or my struggles the most unfair is those of my babies who just want to feel safe again.