Grief and growth

This has been a very long and difficult year. I have had many sleepless nights much like this one. This has been a year of loss, depression and even growth. We lost Mamaw, Aunt Janet, Sandra and Eric this year and our friend Ralph in Germany is not doing so well and we may never get to see him again. I call that a bad year and I have said so many times I just want to put this year behind me and start the new year. What really does that mean though, when the new year is here that won't give back the ones we lost and it won't magically make things feel better or normal. What I really wish is that we could go back some years, there are some things I would change, I would tell people I loved them more often, I would be there more often and I would know what to do instead of being shocked in fear watching a train slowly derail so many lives. Then again it would not change things and I would have to relive it all over again. I suppose only time and faith is going to heal the wounds that are left from a year like this. Maybe that is what I mean when I say I am ready for a new year.

I have battled depression in a pretty serious way this year and it has torn me down and over the last couple months I have started to rebuild, God and I that is, I can't do it alone. I have made a point while rebuilding to make sure those in my life know I love them more often and do things differently. I have taken more time to do things with love and purpose instead of trying to do so many things at once that I am just going through the motions. I want to be a better me through all this. I used to think that wearing myself out and staying so busy that I didn't have time for meaning and purpose was my meaning and purpose, but I know better now. I will take on what I can do, where God leads me and do it so that it not just enhances my quality of life, but others as well. I sent out Christmas cards this year for the first time in a very long time and I didn't do it because it was something that people do this time of year, I did it because my pastor spoke of getting ready for Christmas and not your tree and gifts but your Spirit, I took my time and wrote something in each card for the person I gave it to, in order to lift them up and it lifted me up as well, that is doing something with meaning and purpose, did I get a card to everyone I know, nope and I still have some to pass out, but I put myself in to the cards I could give out. May seem meaningless to some but to me it was something I did to get my Spirit ready for the season.

This has also been a year of growth and rebuilding some relationships. Aunt Susie, Tracy and her family, Uncle Jimmy, David and Mary, Tisha and her kids are people that have come back into our lives through the loss and those are new relationships to cherish and grow in and I am so thankful for that. Uncle Jimmy has been there a lot for Mike and I but our closest relationship was with Aunt Janet, she was the talker and easy to know and that is why I put his name in that list, learning and getting to know him and talk to him has been a new relationship, learning to have a relationship with Uncle Jimmy instead of Aunt Janet and Uncle Jimmy has been an adjustment and one of the hardest ones. Aunt Susie has been a god send, she has filled a little piece of the holes left this year and that is a big deal. Getting to spend a whole week with her even though Mike was sick, it was still a memory that will be with me forever. I got to know her and we got to drink lots of coffee while we spent time together. Ball games and time at the park, our first time ever picking someone up from the airport. All memories. Tracy, well I don't know what I would do with out having her back in my life, she is my cousin, but also my friend, we can talk and get it because we have both been through so much. She is an amazing soul. I have enjoyed not just getting her back but becoming part of her family, watching her kids play ball, seeing my kids with their cousins playing and laughing. Tish, I have not go to know her much even though we have lived next door for over a year but I hope that changes even though she is moving, hope we get to be part of this new chapter in her life. I have gotten to know her kids well however and they are amazing and have helped to heal my kids. being so close with their cousins and having that bond, that now unbreakable bond was also sent from God, he knew what this family needed. When Elizabeth, bubbers, Trenton and Alyssa come over it fills the house with noise and love and laughter and I have so enjoyed the evenings with these kids. Again these are all memories and nothing can take those away, they can't be bought or sold. David and Mary came over when Susie was in town and we had a cook out, there was only a few of but we had fun, talked, laughed and got to know these 2 amazing people as more than just Michael's cousins and I look forward to getting to know them better.

Old relationships are something else I am looking forward to this year coming up, the past year I have lived in my own world in many ways but as I rebuild who I am and want to be this is also an area I am working on. Staring with my mom, I can say now that I have the relationship with her that I always wanted and that is amazing, I know she is there for me and my kids on all levels. She never lets a day go by that she don't check on us or send me a text telling me she loves me and she may not think I notice or care because I don't always respond but it means the world to me to have her in my life in such a positive way. My mother and I have been through a lot of ups and downs, but part of growth is seeing people for who they have became and who they are instead of holding on to the past. I love you mom! My friend Lilia, she must really love me, I have not been the best friend I want to be to her but she is my best friend and is always there for me, sometimes we don't talk for months and then it is like we. never missed a beat. She always knows when I need a pick up or help or a smile. I hope she knows I am here for her also, she is such a strong loving kind soul, she knows how to make a person feel special. We always laugh, cry and laugh some more. Well I cry, she listens. I love you Lilia! My sister, even our relationship has grown and now I know she knows that I love her and am here to help her through life not to judge her even if she makes it hard sometimes lol. This has been a big year for her in her life and I hope I have done a good job as a sister and she now knows and sees I love her and her kids and I always want the best for them. We are both a work in progress and we will reach our goals together. My friend April, I love you and we are going to get together and catch up. I miss our time together. My brother, we have always had a good relationship I think, we don't talk much but when we boy we talk and I hope he knows I am always here for him and his family also. I love him so much and I am proud of the man he has became. His daughter is a spit fire and I love spending time with her and I hope to be a bigger part of her life as she grows.

These are people I left out but know that I love you all too, it is getting late and I have to be at work early. I will end by saying, again this is just my ramblings and I guess me working out and processing this year and the one to come as it grows near. My husband Michael is the love of my life and our kids complete me. Nothing has ever changed there or will and as long as I have them, I can get through anything and everything. This year I also have God, he was always there but I didn't always care like I do now. So I guess what I hope someone may get out of this is stop to smell the roses, years come and go just as people do, you never know who you will lose in the journey of life so don't have regrets and don't take people or memories for granted. Take time to make the memories and allow people to enhance your quality of life as you enhance theirs.

Peace and Love,
Stefanie

Follow the yellow brick road

So I woke up around 5am after a restless sleep, but I didn't wake up like I usually do, which is thinking. I usually wake up already in thought and lay here thinking about any random thing that pops in my head, good, bad, funny, sad, there really is no specific thing that keeps me awake most nights. This morning was different, I woke up crying, now I am human, I do cry, I tear occasionally, mostly in the shower so no one really knows. At church I used to cry a lot until God took away those tears and put his arms around me. When I cry it could just be a flow of tears, a few tears or a mild emotional cry and complain to Michael about what ever is "making" me cry. This was different though, this was, as my friend Mo would put it "a snot cry" this was truly an emotional burst of feeling, stress, fear and sadness that my inner self could no longer carry, It lasted for over an hour, my crying usually last a couple minutes or at worst a full shower.

I have not blogged in some time because I usually make someone mad or hurt their feelings even though it really isn't about them it is about me having an outlet for my feelings, I am writer that is how we process feelings. I share them because my life has to mean something, the things I have been through has to mean something to someone other than me, I fantasize about my experiences helping someone else cope, learn or simply not feel as alone as I often do. So in short, who ever takes this personal, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I am going to get personal as usual, I am not asking for anyone to DO anything, I don't want people to FEEL bad for me. As for what I do want out of this is to feel a little better and maybe have a few people UNDERSTAND me.

Not sure where to start and get this out as quick as possible because I must get ready to take the kids to the "How to festival" at the Library, going to be good fun even if it is raining and I can't feed them lunch lol.

Most of you know things have been hard since Mike got sick, not just financially but emotionally. The family has come out ok, the kids are better adjusted then they should be in my opinion because they didn't only have to deal with cancer but crazy selfish people who made a choice to make our lives more stressful and difficult, but that is a few blogs back, back to present day  ;)

We have made it out alive so to speak, but there has been an OZ here, a person behind the curtain sacrificing and struggling, being afraid all the time and knowing how importation her job is, someone who gets things done, bills paid, kids listened to and emotionally taken care of, husband medicated, doctored up and kept healthy. There is a person who makes it all seem easy, that person I am sure you know is me. I am again not wanting pity or it to sound like I am complaining, just simply admitting it because this plays a role in  why I woke up "snot crying" this morning.

Lately things have seemed extra difficult, I have learned to trust god, for the most part, we struggle but we seem to get by, but some weeks, months, days I guess I kinda of wait for God to run out, now wait, don't take that wrong, I know my God won't give up on me or abandon me, but in my life experience before I found my relationship with god has been that you can't trust things or people because they typically don't care as much as you need them to, sometime this is because they just don't care and sometimes it is because they don't know how. Again not talking about anyone specific so please don't freak out and start sending me messages saying I was being mean to you or someone else when I said that, if you feel guilty or some kind of way, well that is not me talking but I will help you work it out if you need an ear. Point being is I guess I am still learning to trust GOD fully and sometimes that makes me feel like a bad person or not a true believer.

Recently someone else that I care deeply about has gotten sick, cancer has struck again, I am not going to blog about that, but that again left me feeling helpless and scared in many ways. Also this year my family lost my husbands grandmother to cancer and a friend of mine recently lost her battle with cancer. These are all difficult and added to my feelings and fears I think, even though I don't really talk about it.

Ok, so to the point because I must go shower and get ready to take these kids to learn how to do stuff. Well I have been dealing with some things myself but only because I have too, I prefer the ignore it, it will go away method when it comes to myself. I can't ignore this.

Some know the extent of the pain I have been dealing with for the last few years, but most don't, most know I have had some pain but most don't realize it has become such a large part of my life as well as other symptoms. Due to necessity, necessity being it affecting my job, I have had to start to seek answers to the multitude of symptoms I have been having. I was thinking they were all separate issues that I needed to address. Surprise I was wrong! During this need to get better journey I started with the pain because it was affecting my everyday life and ability to work. After an exam by a couple doctors and and MRI I have been diagnosed with Cervical spinal stenosis which was explained to me as a narrowing of the spinal canal, not operable and I will need pain management to help me and I don't know what that will consist of at this time because I have rescheduled the appointment twice due to being broke. It is what it is folks, having to choose between going to the doctor or buying food sucks, especially when you work 10 to 12 hours a day and pay 650 dollars a month for health insurance, but hey that is life. I thought ok, I will do some physical therapy and maybe take some meds and it will be ok. Well I decided to call and talk to the doctor because I still have all these other symptoms and I honestly wanted to find out if pain management was really necessary as my doctor is willing to write my pain meds every month (should have been my first clue these days) and I still don't know how I will afford the visits or what ever therapy they will do. Yep this is when it got real, the talk with the doctor and google of course.

Yes I have cervical spinal stenosis, something that you typically don't get until after the age of 50 and my symptoms started over 2 years before I seeked help because I was taking care of Mike, this meant I didn't have time for me and I thought my discomfort in my body was because I was pushing my self so hard to care for him and I was pushing my body so hard to care for the family. I figured I hurt because I lifted him, helped him and I was doing everything alone such as going to the store, cleaning, working, and cleaning was no easy task with a neutropedic husband in the house that could not tolerate germs because it could kill him. Ok so back to the point, I don't JUST have cervical spinal stenosis, I have Cervical spinal stenois and it is bad, it has already gotten to the point where my spinal cord is being compromised and thus causing the pain, it is bad guys. All of my current problems, well except my anxiety lol seem to be related to this one issue. I have been having trouble controlling my bladder, I have been running in to things a lot, even got my eyes rechecked, I trip over my own feet all the time, not just sometimes, I do it many times a day. I bump in to cubicles at work with my right arm, I am off balance a lot. I have extreme pain when I stand or walk for very long at all, I had passed this off solely to my weight. I have major muscle weakness in my arms and legs, it is very bad in my right arm, doctor said that that the reason my right arm is the worst is because I had injured it when we were moving from Raven to Shasta and it caused the symptoms to progress quicker on that arm. I could in reality with out help or maybe with, lose the use of my arms or even my legs. I working hard to do my part, trying to increase my exercise and movement and lose weight, but the rest is in the hands of doctors that I can't afford. The pain and muscle weakness scare me the most, some of the other stuff is embarrassing but not as scary to me. All of these things from my bladder to my balance are because of the spinal cord being compromised.

So why did I wake up snot crying, well because I feel alone, that is part of it, but mostly because I am scared, not for my health but for my family, I am the she-ra of this operation, if I fall we all do. Though we struggle often to buy healthy food (meaning food that is healthy for our bodies like not from a box) we eat, though we don't usually have money fun, we find ways to play, free events like the one I am running a risk of being late for today eeek, or we splurge and sacrifice food or gas to do something fun. We always pay our rent and car payment, though some months I wonder how. The point is we do it, BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND I KNOW THAT IS NO ONE BUT HIM, WE MAKE IT! However how do I chose between making it and taking care of me, because this is like the chicken and egg! If I don't take care of me I can't take care of us, but if I take care of me I can't take care of us. I am not asking for money or sympathy, there are people who need those things more than me, but I do need you all PRAY that I figure it out, but more IMPORTANTLY  PRAY that I can learn how to trust, trust my GOD to take care of me and the people that need me.