Grief and growth

This has been a very long and difficult year. I have had many sleepless nights much like this one. This has been a year of loss, depression and even growth. We lost Mamaw, Aunt Janet, Sandra and Eric this year and our friend Ralph in Germany is not doing so well and we may never get to see him again. I call that a bad year and I have said so many times I just want to put this year behind me and start the new year. What really does that mean though, when the new year is here that won't give back the ones we lost and it won't magically make things feel better or normal. What I really wish is that we could go back some years, there are some things I would change, I would tell people I loved them more often, I would be there more often and I would know what to do instead of being shocked in fear watching a train slowly derail so many lives. Then again it would not change things and I would have to relive it all over again. I suppose only time and faith is going to heal the wounds that are left from a year like this. Maybe that is what I mean when I say I am ready for a new year.

I have battled depression in a pretty serious way this year and it has torn me down and over the last couple months I have started to rebuild, God and I that is, I can't do it alone. I have made a point while rebuilding to make sure those in my life know I love them more often and do things differently. I have taken more time to do things with love and purpose instead of trying to do so many things at once that I am just going through the motions. I want to be a better me through all this. I used to think that wearing myself out and staying so busy that I didn't have time for meaning and purpose was my meaning and purpose, but I know better now. I will take on what I can do, where God leads me and do it so that it not just enhances my quality of life, but others as well. I sent out Christmas cards this year for the first time in a very long time and I didn't do it because it was something that people do this time of year, I did it because my pastor spoke of getting ready for Christmas and not your tree and gifts but your Spirit, I took my time and wrote something in each card for the person I gave it to, in order to lift them up and it lifted me up as well, that is doing something with meaning and purpose, did I get a card to everyone I know, nope and I still have some to pass out, but I put myself in to the cards I could give out. May seem meaningless to some but to me it was something I did to get my Spirit ready for the season.

This has also been a year of growth and rebuilding some relationships. Aunt Susie, Tracy and her family, Uncle Jimmy, David and Mary, Tisha and her kids are people that have come back into our lives through the loss and those are new relationships to cherish and grow in and I am so thankful for that. Uncle Jimmy has been there a lot for Mike and I but our closest relationship was with Aunt Janet, she was the talker and easy to know and that is why I put his name in that list, learning and getting to know him and talk to him has been a new relationship, learning to have a relationship with Uncle Jimmy instead of Aunt Janet and Uncle Jimmy has been an adjustment and one of the hardest ones. Aunt Susie has been a god send, she has filled a little piece of the holes left this year and that is a big deal. Getting to spend a whole week with her even though Mike was sick, it was still a memory that will be with me forever. I got to know her and we got to drink lots of coffee while we spent time together. Ball games and time at the park, our first time ever picking someone up from the airport. All memories. Tracy, well I don't know what I would do with out having her back in my life, she is my cousin, but also my friend, we can talk and get it because we have both been through so much. She is an amazing soul. I have enjoyed not just getting her back but becoming part of her family, watching her kids play ball, seeing my kids with their cousins playing and laughing. Tish, I have not go to know her much even though we have lived next door for over a year but I hope that changes even though she is moving, hope we get to be part of this new chapter in her life. I have gotten to know her kids well however and they are amazing and have helped to heal my kids. being so close with their cousins and having that bond, that now unbreakable bond was also sent from God, he knew what this family needed. When Elizabeth, bubbers, Trenton and Alyssa come over it fills the house with noise and love and laughter and I have so enjoyed the evenings with these kids. Again these are all memories and nothing can take those away, they can't be bought or sold. David and Mary came over when Susie was in town and we had a cook out, there was only a few of but we had fun, talked, laughed and got to know these 2 amazing people as more than just Michael's cousins and I look forward to getting to know them better.

Old relationships are something else I am looking forward to this year coming up, the past year I have lived in my own world in many ways but as I rebuild who I am and want to be this is also an area I am working on. Staring with my mom, I can say now that I have the relationship with her that I always wanted and that is amazing, I know she is there for me and my kids on all levels. She never lets a day go by that she don't check on us or send me a text telling me she loves me and she may not think I notice or care because I don't always respond but it means the world to me to have her in my life in such a positive way. My mother and I have been through a lot of ups and downs, but part of growth is seeing people for who they have became and who they are instead of holding on to the past. I love you mom! My friend Lilia, she must really love me, I have not been the best friend I want to be to her but she is my best friend and is always there for me, sometimes we don't talk for months and then it is like we. never missed a beat. She always knows when I need a pick up or help or a smile. I hope she knows I am here for her also, she is such a strong loving kind soul, she knows how to make a person feel special. We always laugh, cry and laugh some more. Well I cry, she listens. I love you Lilia! My sister, even our relationship has grown and now I know she knows that I love her and am here to help her through life not to judge her even if she makes it hard sometimes lol. This has been a big year for her in her life and I hope I have done a good job as a sister and she now knows and sees I love her and her kids and I always want the best for them. We are both a work in progress and we will reach our goals together. My friend April, I love you and we are going to get together and catch up. I miss our time together. My brother, we have always had a good relationship I think, we don't talk much but when we boy we talk and I hope he knows I am always here for him and his family also. I love him so much and I am proud of the man he has became. His daughter is a spit fire and I love spending time with her and I hope to be a bigger part of her life as she grows.

These are people I left out but know that I love you all too, it is getting late and I have to be at work early. I will end by saying, again this is just my ramblings and I guess me working out and processing this year and the one to come as it grows near. My husband Michael is the love of my life and our kids complete me. Nothing has ever changed there or will and as long as I have them, I can get through anything and everything. This year I also have God, he was always there but I didn't always care like I do now. So I guess what I hope someone may get out of this is stop to smell the roses, years come and go just as people do, you never know who you will lose in the journey of life so don't have regrets and don't take people or memories for granted. Take time to make the memories and allow people to enhance your quality of life as you enhance theirs.

Peace and Love,
Stefanie