I know it's not over yet, but this has been a hell of a year, it's gone by fast and hard. I am left still with so much unfinished business and I need to close this shit.
I have friends again, something I totally took a break from and it feels good. Ppl I talk to daily and share with and love, most of them are forever far away, but I fucking love them and appreciate them. I lost a lot of people when Mike got sick, cool, I get it, to much, than when Aunt Janet died depression finished off the rest. I just quit wanting to be close to people because it fucking hurts. I learned after loosing PA, the only dad I could ever count on and loved me unconditionally that it doesn't matter how hard you try, you can't protect yourself from that kind of hurt and decided to try opening back up. I started being myself again and ppl like me, not all of them but the ones that count. I just thought I was a bad friend for a long time, but maybe I am not, maybe I just quit being me and loving me and as my girl RU says "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else" Rupaul is the shiz those are the deepest words right there.
Shine was a turning point for me on this one, I got as much out of that trip as Meredith did, I had fun with the kids and the adults, I let my hair down and let ppl get to know me again and it paid off. It was scary and I went back to the hotel and cried a lot, but not because I was upset, but because I missed just being myself, not a cancer wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, but Stefanie the person. I have reached out to a few old friends who I lost because of me not because they weren't there and Lilia, Mo, Tracy, the original Stephanie Thomas we are going to start hanging out again, you are my girls. Life gets busy but dammit we need time for being women, individuals.
Also with growth comes letting go of negative ppl and things in life and that has been a big growth for me this year, I have cut a lot of crap out of my life and that has made room for me to find myself again, sorry but if you just drain me and add nothing than I can't. If I can't be happy with you in my life than I choose me. This has been the hardest for me personally because I want to be there and help and support and love, social worker mentality dies hard. My kids need those parts of me so buh bye. Even though it still hurts sometimes, I am a better mother, wife, friend, individual for it. These people never put me ahead of their baggage even when I needed it most. I only took 2 kids to raise, the rest are bonus.
There are some ppl I have built healthier relationships with like my brother, my grandma, my Aunt, my mother, being happy with me helps me not to feel undeserving and less than so I can appreciate our differences and love them as me instead of who I think they want or need me to be.
My husband, he will forever be my best friend, I got stuck for a long while in being a cancer wife and not a wife, things were not bad, but not fulfilling either, we were just going through the motions so I did what I do when I don't know how to express my feelings and picked a fight. It was not a normal fight though, I in his words, went crazy, yes his dumbass called a woman crazy when she was angry lol but I didn't just fight with him, I made him hear me and I vented out my frustrations, not with him but what cancer took from him and I as husband and wife, I for the first time put it all out there and fully expecting it to end bad, it instead changed things, we were able to realized we were both feeling and needing the same things just both to afraid to lay them out there because there is that fear of loosing that comfort or finding out you aren't in love anymore. We found that we are still very much in love and just needed to cut the BS and say what we needed and how we felt. The tension is gone, the comfort is gone but in a good way, we are us again, silly, passionate and carry the stress together again.
My church family and God, I got lost for a while, in my faith and in feeling deserving of their love. I was angry at God, I was angry at things at church, but instead of facing it just isolated, I am good at that, but then God kicked me in the ass and reminded me what that family means to me. I love you all, I can always count on you all, when I fall there is always one of you there to catch me even when I don't let it be known that I need you. God kicked me in my ass through my Pastor, who is by far the best person I know in this world. She didn't get on me, she didn't push me, she just kept up with me, a card in the mail, constantly commenting on my post "I miss you" "We missed you today" with out fail on almost everything I said on FB, not with judgment or condemnation but with love, finally hit me that it wasn't just words, she did miss me and so did God. See Sherry Roby and God were both gently reminding me of my worthiness and Gods forgiving love. One day I heard them and started working on fixing that relationship. Now you all know I am not s perfect Christian, I don't fit in a religious box, but my God, My Pastor, My church isn't about being Christian, they are about being God like and meeting and loving you where you are at. For this I am thankful. I smoke, I cuss, I get angry with God often, but that is where I am growing from, I went backwards after Mike got sick again. I allowed some people who were not God like to hurt me and I accepted that for gospel. Once I got it together though my church family and my God was there. Our first lady too, I can't forget her, she made a constant presence on social media because that is where I was at. I am good being a work in progress, when we stop being in progress we just stop.
So what got me to these bad places, mostly my unwillingness to see my own worth. I was thinking in terms of not having enough money, my health not allowing me to be as involved as I want, being convinced that I was just not able to offer anything to others and not wanting to be a drain on others, a burden, feeling unequal while fighting for equality. The devil telling me I was not good enough. I am not sure how my changes came to be exactly, I see a lot of post saying things like "be the change you want to see" and "you have to make changes to be change" ect, but I didn't set out to change, I just did, I started making changes out of necessity, not necessarily conscious on many of them, some very precise and necessary. The more I started taking care of me and seeking happiness, the more things started to change. I didn't just change me, I just quit fighting myself and allowed myself to be again.
Not that I write much anymore, but why do I share these personal things, simply because they are part of me and I am not ashamed and maybe I will one day help someone else be ok with who they are. Stop fighting your changes and embrace them loves, but ppl out, be open to new ppl, let God lead the dance.
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