Sometimes you are alone and sometimes you feel alone, not sure which category I fall in to. People are around, but are they really. A few are there, I know that I can talk to and that will listen and give me sound advice. There are a few that I trust to really understand and not judge and be selfish assholes, but it is just not the same. It is not that everyday support that one would think a family would have when dealing with this pile of shit I call life.
I don't get it, I feel sad for us and I am us. The people we are supposed to be our biggest supporters are ones that would rather pull us down farther. Well let me tell you assholes, it is not possible, we are already at rock bottom and doing all we can to climb back up that mountain that used to be mole hill. Why is it that so much energy is wasted on bullshit, stuff that is not so important in the big picture, but can cause so much harm daily to feelings, emotions, attitudes and stress levels and well these things make the big picture. It can be a happy picture and it is not! It can be an unhappy picture which it is and it is starting to effect our attitudes and how we are dealing. We have done a good job as a family and when I say family I mean Michael the kids and I, of pulling together and doing what is needed to stay positive, laugh, cry when is needed and keep on going. Than you have people who's sole purpose is to bring you down, cause trouble and try to make it all look like your fault because what kind of people would they be if they were causing the trouble?
Some people just don't know when to shut up and butt out. Your help is appreciated, but you don't have to cause trouble. You tell me to take care of myself and than you refuse to let me have any time to do it, it seems like every time I try to rest, take any me time or make things easier for myself you cause trouble, start doing what you do best, saying things to just get stuff started and why, does it help? Making little remarks that just add to an already stressful situation. for once this paragraph was not about my in laws, I will get to them since they get a kick out of reading our blogs just to get pissed and throw them up in my husbands face.
Ok, now your turn, if you don't like hearing the truth or facing reality than stop reading, it is simple cause see you can't storm off or hang up the phone when things get to real, cause this is my blog and soldiers I love fight hard everyday so I have the right to say what I damn well please, Thank you little cousin David!
Children are people, they have feelings and opinions. Children can make choices about what they will tolerate just as adults can. When you mess with a child's family they take it personal. Blame us for what you have done if it makes you feel better, I will take the blame if it means my children have peace. I have told them that, blame me if you need a way out and I am fine with that. I am over it and it don't hurt me anymore, you can only burn someone so many times before they quit sticking there hand out or it becomes numb. If my children and let's face it, it is child because there is only one that is really being missed, if my daughter wants to talk and answer her phone she IS ALLOWED TO. She don't want to, even when I ask her to call and say thank you and be polite she don't want to. See I am not the one she is pissed at and the one she is tired of hearing. I am not the person she is avoiding so it may not be my fault. The problem here is when you have controlling people who want to have a say in everything you do, say and feel, they get pissy when you don't let them. Instead of saying I am proud of you for being your own person and taking control they say "you are not good enough and we spit on your for thinking you can do anything with out our approval" well the kids pick up on this, especially when you say inappropriate things to them. See I am their mother, I am allowed to discuss with them what I feel needs to be discusses and sometimes it is not pretty or in your favor, but it is the truth. I keep them informed and prepared and that is how I get their trust. I allow them to talk and have feelings and I don't have to control those feelings. If it makes you feel better to blame me, well it is not ok, but you have the right to do it and I don't care. Some things we break and they can't be fixed, sometimes a decision is made that impacts a person so profoundly that it can not be taken back.
Know that Meredith is being taken care of, her pediatrician is involved and so is her therapist and they both agree with her, not me, not Michael, but her! I have always put the kids first and that is one of the things you hate about me. I put family before other things, those things and problems will be there when I get to them but my family may not, they will out grow these years.
Since day 1 of this journey and before I have always tried to make decisions that are best, not sure if they were all sound ones, but I learned from each one good and bad. I have done what I feel in my heart is the best, not out of anger or control or selfishness, but from my true heart and love for my children and husband. I have no regrets, had not regrets and will have not regrets no matter what the outcome and I feel good about that, I have peace with that. Do you?
So much stuff I would rather be writing about, like our journey and happy stuff, but unfortunately, crisis strikes and brings the stupidity out. I see other families that are helping and caring and loving and understanding and supportive and I hurt for my husband and my children and my self. So much bullshit is talked, so many lies spread when that is not what love and life and support is at all.
I have been there for so many people in my years, I have been a person to talk to, a person to listen, a person for advice, I have given many a place to live, put food in their bellies, I have nurtured and guided. I have loved and supported and I have tried to always be a source of family support and love even when it was not deserved. I am not perfect and I am not bragging or throwing anything up, it is just that I feel it is not appreciated. One person in particular, I have been there for every time she has called, problems, happy, sad worried, she was never there for me, not once, I didn't care or ask her to be. Late nights on the computer talking, early morning phone calls, for 9 years I have tried to be a friend and a sister. The return I have gotten will never be forgotten or forgiven.
I hate to keep writing about negativity, but that is all I have anymore. The positive stuff is few and far between and don't last long enough for me to get to write about it. I am grateful for many things, I have my kids and my husband and I have a few good people in my life that I can turn to, the problem with that is that I have been burned so bad, that I don't really trust. It is hard for me to let go and reach out. I never really let my guard down anymore. I have so much built up inside of me some days I just feel like I am bursting at the seems and the only way to keep that from happening is this. Bitch and let some of it out.
I should be asleep, resting right now, but with so much chaos how can I. Meredith is upset on top of not feeling good, Ethan is acting out because of another person. Michael has been sick this week and irritated and pissy. No one is hearing what he has to say, he is not being respected and he feels angry at those who are causing him to feel that way, but who do you think is getting the grunt of that. Who is the one gets it taken out on them, me and the kids not the people who deserve it. This is what is really bothering me, this where we get to the therapy part, when I figure out the root of my problem. The root of that problem is this, my family and our relationships are being affected by people who don't know there role and continue to cross boundaries. People who have no respect for us, our feelings or what is going on. I tried to respect you and your feelings and be there even though I was going through my own thing, but you are no longer worthy of caring. Almost fooled me again with the little forgiveness, I am sorry circle of life email, but than turned around and put that knife in the back again, didn't even let the last wound heal first.
My kids and husband are hurting and you are making it worse not better. I can't help what you created, I don't know that you can fix it, each day is it looking less likely, I don't really think you want to honestly. Here is some advice though, look at yourself instead of looking for someone to blame, really see how you have acted, what you have said and lines you have crossed, not just since November, but even before. Ask your self, if this was my daughter going through this tough time and her husbands family was treating her and him this way how would I feel about it. If someone was acting this way towards my kids and hurting them what would I say and how would I feel. I am not trying to fix things and I don't even want to anymore, but I am trying to help some to understand. I don't talk about it anymore because I don't care, i don't argue about it because I don't have to. My family will come out of all of this stronger. I know we will.
Not sure what all I have wrote or who will get mad over it and I don't even care to go back reread it because it was all raw emotions and truths. I don't like seeing Meredith this angry, but she owns it, she has the wright to her feelings and they are justified. She got home from therapy and called and wanted to talk and she was shut down. The words used were "I don't know what your talking about" so there was another door slammed, not sure it can be reopened.
So much more I want to say off this topic. Maybe tomorrow, I am so tired and I never get to rest. My brain won't turn off.
It has been a bad day coming off of a bad day and I guess I just need to let that be it and hope for a better tomorrow.
I feel nuts though, I am doing the best I can and feel like I am doing a good job, but I am just getting knocked down from so many directions.
So many stupid things have been said, I want them out of my head, I want to let them go. I will try. I need love too and I just don't have any right now. I am stuck between hurt kids an angry husband and mom that don't know how to be supportive. She tries, but she just don't know how. Wonder why I have lost myself, well mom there is your answer, I love you none the less, even if you don't understand my journey or where I am.
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