Singing hey hey Momma can MY daddy come home!

I would like to start this entry off by saying I promise for this one entry I will not use the "F" word, just for you Grandma, because I love you so berry much :) .

     Nothing profound to say this evening, not that any of my ramblings are profound, but this one will be even less so. Just can't sleep for no particular reason and thinking about my children and how much they mean to me and how much daddy means to them. They keep asking me when daddy gets to come home, not sure if it is because they really miss him or because they are having a blast running over momo every minute of the day. I mourn for my babies this evening, I have been looking over pictures this evening, going through the gazillion I have on my computer of us all having fun, being silly, and enjoying life. Nothing stopped us from having fun, not money or time. Cancer however unfortunately seems to have stopped fun right in its track! We still try to make the best of things, and we have not given up getting our happy back, but it just is not the same for them or us. I can feel it and I know they can. It used to be "family" fun, but now it is different. Daddy is sick and can't enjoy a lot of the things we do even though he tries to be present for most of it and I spend most of our time trying to balance making it fun for them and being silly me and worrying and taking care of poppa. So I just get lost in the mix and don't really take the time that I used to order to cease the moment.

     Money is a bigger issue than it was before so I have to cut back on things we do, but that is not the biggest issue, there is still things to be done, Gilda's has a lot of fun things to do, there is things free or cheap every where, but we have to have time now, which was never a problem before, also I find that one major obstacle in having family fun, whether it be out or at home is that I am afraid to plan, I am afraid to get their hopes up. Life has become so unpredictable that there is a good chance they will get let down if I do or I will have to choose between them and him and that is just not fair! We went to Gilda's Mardi gras, well Meredith and I did, but it was a hard decision to make. Poppa was not having a good day, yet I did promise Meredith we would go and I should not have don't that. She is having such a hard time with all this that I just could not bear the thought of hurting her or letting her down and Michael being the father he is completely understood and would not hear of me having her miss it. We went and I had fun with Meredith and my niece Kansas. They had a blast running around being silly and doing their favorite thing, arts and crafts! In the first hour I did good, I was moving and groovin and hot gluein, laughin and dancin with them, but past that, I was just wore out for one, he had been sick all day and than I was worried about him being alone. I was txting and calling him and the girls noticed that I checked out, I tried to get my grove back, but I lost them, they left me and went to noogieland to color. They were ok with it, but I was not. I felt like I let them down. I know that their minds were with me though and Daddy or Uncle Mike, because when it was time to go and I went to noogieland to collect them they had made pictures for the both of us and they were so excited to take the float we made for Turtle home. It is on top of the fridge waiting for him to get home, we put it there cause we figure that will be the first place he goes since he eats all the time lol.

     I have Meredith an appointment on Tuesday to see her pediatrician, she is just not her bubbly self anymore, she wants to sleep more, her head hurts all the time, she has lost interest in many things she loved to do. I have to force her to go to cheerleading, or to go to the store. She gets angry easily and bursts out at anyone who looks at her sideways. That mommy in me wants to make it all better for her, I want to make the hurt, confusion, and doubts go away. I want her to feel safe and secure and confident, but cancer has taken that from her. I start to feel like I have failed her, because for one I can't fix it and second my husband’s family have made me feel that way. I have been criticized since the day he was diagnosed with how I have handled the kids and everything they think I have done wrong. I have always put my children first and I love them more than anything I can imagine. Part of taking care of them is taking care of their daddy and it seems they get that more than some of the judgmental adults in the situation. This is another blog entry though; I have not found forgiveness for some people even though I want to be that bigger person who can. I am not there yet. Meredith is a daddy's girl so I am sure this is why she is having the harder time of the two. She could use a strong male there right now, not to replace daddy, not to make her forget him, but to just make her feel safe again. The men that could give this to her are not. The man who probably means the second most to her is her Pawpaw and he has checked out also, putting his own feeling before those of his grandkids and his son. Michael needed him also and when he reached out to him, he was also let down, he is a big boy though and he can get through it. Meredith is a little girl who feels like she is losing her daddy even though we know she is not; it feels that way to her. She don't need all the silliness in her life no more than Michael or Ethan or I do. She don't trust anyone right now except me so that means she comes to me for everything and I am afraid that I may miss something or not be there when she needs me, I am a hot commodity these days and run around like a hamster in a wheel. Aunts that could also have been an important part in catching her decided that the easiest thing was to put it all on mommy and criticize her for not being superwoman and being able to do it all while processing her feelings, when what they could have done is own their role a little bit, for once and been there for her also, been that back up, instead they chose to just go ahead and ensure she would not trust them and they did that with their actions. Just recently one aunt came over to bring valentines and I caught myself trying to make Meredith interact and show appreciation to her, but why did I do that, she is entitled to be angry also and she is. She won't admit it to the people she is angry with because that is not her nature, she will admit it to me and she will show those feelings in subtle ways like ignoring you. I told her she was being rude and tried to make her be nice, but later when I was thinking about, more or less saying to myself that is something else I will be ripped over, talked about, criticized and blamed for, it hit me, what about why she did it, her feelings must be hurt over something, before cancer she would have been all over her aunt wanting to hang out, craving that attention she never gets. She is where I am, she is over it, and just don't care anymore, I don't want her there. She should not be there, but she is entitled to her feelings. We will get to bottom of it and I will do everything in MY power to help her.

      Ethan he is dealing a little better with most of it. His disabilities have kinda put him at an advantage in this situation. He is used to dealing with adversity. He is used to being in his own little world most of the time and cancer feels that way, like you are in this secret world. Also his comprehension is lower and he doesn’t fully understand the extent of what we are dealing with. It is effecting him though, don't get me wrong he is having issues also, but he seems to having healthier reaction and I feel that is partially because he has learned good coping skills in the last few years just dealing with life. He will ask me every now and than if dad is going to die and I assure him dad is a fighter and we are beating this and he smiles, he don't have to say anything I can see the relief in his smile. This round, while dad has been in the hospital he has been taking things of Michaels and wearing them and trying to keep them. He snuck Michaels class ring and watch and was wearing them, I had to take them away because I didn't want them lost, he has also been getting his wrestling belt down, trying it on and holding it, but he puts it back. I think that is his way of feeling close to Michael. He loves that man so much, they but head a lot and give each other a hard time, but he loves him so much and respects him so much. Dads and sons butt heads and push each other. He trusts me when I tell him everything is going to be ok, Meredith is more skeptical. He probably has the most fun of all of us, he is just a fun loving kid, he doesn’t let anything stop him anymore. He acts out sometimes, but over all he is handling things pretty well considering.

    I must have done some things right, my kids turned out ok and they love me and Michael. They may end up in therapy at some point because of us, but they will still love us :)

    As much as people want me to believe I am the problem, I don't believe that, I think sometimes I miss things and as much as I love my children, right now daddy needs me a little more and I will be there for all of them if it kills me. If I was the problem than I would be the one they have issues with and I am not.

     I just want to get thing back to a place we can all enjoy life again. Being alive is good, but what good is it if you are not living? We have to start living again. I have been working that back in to life and we have so much to look forward to, summer is almost here and Gilda’s has a lot going on the next few months also so we will get it back. Wow this therapy works, I feel better after blogging this out!

I need to blog again though after this one because it has brought out some other feelings about people and things I have been struggling with, but I need to process that some more before I do write about it. Once you emotionally beat the shit out of people you can not expect they are going to just get over it because you are. One person is trying, but my give a damn is still busted and I am not happy about it, but it just is. I am giving that to god and hoping he will send me in the right direction with that one.