So here we are again, just got out of one of those hot showers, the ones you go to cry and I still can not sleep so here I am hoping this will help. Perhaps if I kept my word to my self and actually blogged more often I would not hold so much in.

Michael is in bed, he has not been feeling well over the weekend which is when I usually blog incase you missed the pattern. He stared feeling bad last week and wouldn't go to the doctor, finally he agreed to go to immediate care on Sunday, nothing serious, a pretty bad sinus infection that called for some pretty expensive meds, but he should be feeling better soon, I hope. He is coughing a lot and such. We go to see his oncologist the amazing Doc Hadley on Wednesday so I will have him take a look then also to be on the safe side. The last few weeks have been O.K. Some minor problems, fatigue, him feeling a little down at times and nausea with all the chemo pills, but compared the first 6 weeks of this round and the last 6 months it has not been horrible. I remind you though I can not let my guard down because I know what is coming. We had a talk tonight about some things, not mine to bring up here, but I know his heart is heavy, I don't think I helped though; perhaps I made him feel worse. It was not my intention, but sometimes the best intentions just are not comforting.

The car is in the shop again, picked it up from the shop on Monday went back in on Thursday and I won't get it back until at least Wednesday. The transmission is being replaced and now I am in debt to my in-laws again. I am glad they are there to help, however I don't like that feeling of owing someone again. That feeling of having to feel bad knowing you owe someone, I can't explain the feeling and there is a little more there, that I also don't care to go in to at this time. It is again not my issues to share; I will stick to sharing my issues in this edition lol. I just hope money don't come between us, again. I think money is a silly thing to come between families. That is all I am going to say about that. If you read this though thank you all for your help with this issue. With out my car, my life would be impossible right now defiantly!

I am struggling a little this evening with another evil that has come from cancer. Loss of being "the wife". Yes for those of you rooting for him to leave me, we are still together and in love. I just miss being his wife, you know the woman, though I have always been strong and kind of the man in our relationship, I do miss being the wife when I want to. I miss him taking care of me sometimes. I miss feeling secure in his arms and I miss sharing all my hopes, dreams and feeling with him. I could share hopes and dreams if I had any, but those are something else that cancer chewed up and spit in my face. My feelings, I mostly keep them to myself. This evening I almost got to be the wife a little while. I was watching t.v., he was on the computer and he came to me and said "let's go to bed, I will give you a massage and you can relax". Now my back has been killing me for days and tomorrow is going to be hell at work, which is why I should be in bed and not here doing this. It is the last day of the month at the food stamp office, after a 4 day weekend, just saying. Anyways, I felt like he got that I needed some attention and maybe he did. We go to bed and I am ready to relax and talk to him about me, and get some much needed attention from my husband, not the cancer patient, not the person I take care, not from people concerned about him, but from my husband, those of you going through this battle might get that. I was ready and it felt good to have him offer that up out of no where, like he used to. Well I am sitting here so it must not have gone well. I didn't get the massage, instead we talked, about things on his mind and that turned in to things on my mind, there was no relaxing, there was no massage. Just more stress, more things to think about and more things to keep me from sleeping. Now he is resting and I sit here typing and my 3 loyal readers will say something nice to make me feel better, but I need him, I need to be his wife, just for a few hours. I miss going out to the ball game and him going to get me a drink or a snack, I miss needing gas in the car and him doing it for me, I miss taking walks with him at night, talking while the kids run off in front of us laughing because the can beat us, when really we are glad to have the time alone to walk and talk. Again being the wife. Now I am the husband and the mother and the care taker, nurse, friend, lover sometimes, but I don't feel much like a wife. It is not his fault, I am not mad at him so don't go there, I am not blaming anything but this fucking disease (grandma you knew I had to fuck once so go ahead and scold me about my mouth).

When we was out this weekend, he said to me, he was my bitch, he was carrying my purse, I don't remember where we was or why he had it, but I am one of those wife’s that has her husband hold her purse occasionally, well often. But he said to me that I pay for everything, I drive him around, and he is my bitch so he should carry the purse. He was joking and I admit at the time and in the situation it was funny. I think about it right now though and I imagine how he must be feeling while I wine about how I feel. He has lost driving for the most part, he has lost working, and he can't stand or walk for very long, he feels horrible all the time from poison in his body. I can't image that he feels much like a husband right now either. So how can I be the wife if he does not feel like the husband? I try to make him feel like a man often. Like when we go out to eat, I leave the bill for him to pay lol, we have a joint account and he said to me the other day "are you going to let me pretend to pay the bill again, I don't have any money" Well I look at it as our money, when I was in college and could not afford to work thanks to high priced child care, he worked and it was our money, but I get that it is different for men. He will start to get Social Security in a couple months sure, but I guess that is still not the same to him. I guess we have to redefine our roles and go with it. We are more connected at this time in our 9 years than I think we have ever been. We laugh more, we talk more, we spend a lot more time together since his is not working late anymore, we are happy for the most part. We are both dealing with some loss though and I know that is normal, blah blah, but it is still there and hard to process sometime, like tonight when I want and need to be the wife.

The kids are nuts, Meredith is the little momma and for the most part helping out, she give me fits, don't get me wrong, but she is more willing to help and give me a lot of love. Ethan who has been dealing well until recently he is starting to rebel, talk back a lot, do what he’s told not to do and fight with me about everything. I know that part of that is that he is 10 and he starting to take that turn toward teenager, but I think some of it is dealing with all this stuff and needing a man to be there and well I am dad right now for the most part, Michael is here, thank god, he is here, but he is kinds of disconnected. I got to fix that one, the kids need him still. We talked tonight and I think it will help, but I don't think he is happy with me right now.  I want to help though. Cancer has messed up a lot of shit, but we can't let it mess us this family. We are a strong family, a foursome of goffy,  hip hoppin wii playing, bats game going, head bangers and we can make it through it all whole. I know we can.

We are going to end this one with a positive, I went with my sister to look for me a swim suit and I found one, big deal right, well if you spent the last 5 years not having one because there was none in the stores to fit you, than you would be excited also, I am guessing I am at that 100 lb mark now, last week when I weighed it was 99 lbs. Also, I was wearing a size 36 or larger when I started my wellness journey and I tried on some pants today, just for curiosity sake and I got a 32 thinking they would probably not fit, I said to my sister " I know I am not here yet, but lets see how close I am" We were in fashion bug, thanks to her having an awesome coupon that got me a swim suit at wal mart prices lol, and a 32 is as big as they go. I have not even been able to shop there in years because they don't carry my size or should I say didn't. I can't afford to shop now, but it was good just to fit again, ohh did I mention the 32 didn't fit me, but the 28 did!!! So just to make sure I tired on the 28's of like very brand and it is official, I am back in the 20's lol. My swim suit is also a 28! Ok, that is all for tonight, nothing to big or heavy this evening, just on my mind and I need some sleep,  gotta get up in just over 4 hours.

Peace!

The King has left

Poppa had a bad night, I didn't make it to work this morning because I was up all night with him and my and brain and body is worn out, it is worn for different reasons, but just like his mine is exhausted. It is noon and I am trying to get him to eat. I feel so helpless when he is sick like this. Work needs me, Michael needs me, the kids need me and the bill collectors want me!! I feel so torn all the time and I am always, no matter what I am letting someone down. Sorry, back to Michael. He almost passed out at the doc yesterday when getting blood drawn because he was so weak. He goes back in 3 weeks. His white count is down to 1.9, but his other counts are ok so no blood is needed. Doc was going over the protocol for next round and he said "this going to be a pain in the ass" He said it was going to be real hard on him, but we have to keep our mind on why he is going through it. Than it is hard to keep your mind on why when he is so sick and we know that non Hoskins is UNCURABLE. There is active and not active (remission), but it will never be gone and that sucks and makes it hard to keep your eye on the prize, what is the prize? Remission will be wonderful, I don't want to sound ungrateful if remission is what we get, but it will forever be "is it back" and knowing that after this hell of a round we have 2 years of chemo very similar to what he is doing now and let me tell you it is not fun. I don't know, guess I am having a day, but I am putting a smile on my face and trying to get him to eat because I can't let him know how scared I am or how stressed I am and yes I know he will read this eventually. I am not a dummy, I am stating how I feel, and I know he knows I am scared and stressed and worried. I just feel like I can not express it to him or go to him for comfort. I have been holding back for weeks and not blogging or posting because I want him to think I am positive and in a good place, but he knows better, I am sure the breakdown I had last Wednesday night and all Thursday didn't tip him off either. I really want to be able to hold it all together for him and the kids, I want to be their rock and I feel like I should be in a psych ward most days, not someone else’s rock. When people tell me how strong I am and how wonderful I am doing with it all, I feel like a fraud, because I don’t feel that strong, I don’t feel like I am doing a good job.

Ok I have finally convinced him to eat and he wants a big boy sandwich so I am going to make him get out of the house and take him to get big boy and than I will be back to this because what I thought was going to be a simple group update has turned into a blog entry. I have needed to blog, for me and have not had time, but sometimes things just happen when we need them.

Ok, I am back; he ate well, a patty melt and fries. Now he is lying on the couch watching his fav show, Maury lol. So lunch brings up another issue, I got my lap band tightened last Monday. This was my third fill and has really restricted my eating, which I needed, but it is hard. I quit smoking a year ago, have lost 90 lbs and still have a lot more to lose so it is necessary to get healthy, but c’mon! I can’t smoke, eat and sure as hell don’t make enough money to drink. Some days it is so hard to not just buy a pack of smokes. It would crush the kids and I know it would wreak havoc on my lungs and I have worked so hard to improve my health, but some days the stress is over whelming and all I can think of is relief. Some days are worse than others. Some days are good and I cherish those days, but even the good days, I don’t fully enjoy because I am on edge waiting for something to go wrong or bad.

My mom is nuts and is poison to my life, my dad is absent as he has always been. This is a time when I need them, I need my daddy to hug me and tell me it will be ok or if it is not ok he is there for me. I could use that motherly advice or that mom time when you talk like they do in the movies and have that mom to mom heart felt talk lol. Well instead, my dad is doing what ever he is doing, I wasn’t even invited over for Easter and the rest of the family was. My mom, well she told my son’s psychiatrist we abuse him and there is domestic violence in my home all because she is mental and has this weird obsession with my son. She truly thinks if she could get him taken from me than she could get custody of him, like that will ever happen! She hates men, my husband and my sister’s fiancé included. She also can’t stand my 8 year old daughter so let her say she is not mental, no one sane could dislike a child the way she can. She has always been that way! Her step children, other children. She is not right in the head and I can’t fix her and I quit trying. For years I have been there for her and tried to help her all the while reaching out to her trying to get a mom out of that mess and I give up on that. I don’t have the energy anymore, she thinks I won’t cut her out of my life, well I cut dad years ago and I can you also. I have to worry about me sometimes and you are not healthy for me or my family. Your grandson is traumatized by you, not me, you!!

I have also been thinking about a great friend of mine that passed away several years ago. I couldn’t figure out why he had been on my mind so much the last week until I was laying in bed a few nights ago and it hit me that it was May, he was born and died in May and even I didn’t realize it consciously my subconscious knew. I never had closure there, my life went a different direction than his, we would write and talk on the phone all the time, he was my closest friend and I talked to him about things that I still have not shared to this day with others. We got each other. I loved him like a brother, a best friend indeed. I decided to have children, something we said we would never do, because we were rock stars. Also I moved hours away. I still have letters from him and one in particular where he tells me he loves me, we were not big on feelings. I was reading it recently and it just got me. Here is the thing about his death, I didn’t know he died. Like I said we had grew a part some over the years and went our own direction. I would call him sometimes and check in and we would talk for hours and it was good. I had called him when I got out of the hospital when Meredith was born in April and he was having a issue with his girlfriend and she called in on the line and she said “call me back, I need to talk to her” I said “I see you don’t have time for me anymore” He said “promise you will call back” and I said “yeah asshole I will call you back” I didn’t call back, he died in May. I didn’t know. I called once more a few months later, late at night; I called late, and didn’t get an answer. I got busy with life and a second child and buying a house and so on. Well the following May (a year after he died) I moved in to my house and as I was unpacking I found a letter I wrote him, telling him about the KISS and Aerosmith concert I had went to and I never mailed the letter. This made me think of him, it was like 2 or 3 in the morning so I thought; “I am going to call him tomorrow”. Well I got on the computer and I was thinking about him and I started to Google the name of his band and such to see if I could find anything new with that. I thought I will find out what he has been into and when I call him tomorrow I will have something to talk about other than the kids. He was always aggravated that I decided to have kids and he hated my ex husband. Again, he was still a rock star and I was mom! Well I googled the band, didn’t find much so I than I started doing searches on him and I didn’t expect to find a group on MySpace that was a “memorial” to him. The person who was running it was another friend of mine that I had lost touch with, so I emailed her to see if this was real, I mean knowing him it could have been fake, he was twisted like that, we both were at one time. It was several days before I heard back from her and I was afraid to call his home, his parent’s home. When she wrote back I found that it was true, he was gone and I didn’t know, I didn’t go to the funeral, I didn’t pay my respects to his family that I loved, his sister, him mom and dad were the most amazing people you could meet, The whole family was just awesome. His mom was a great cook, always made interesting things, the last time I was in to visit she made this real neat pizza’s, Lennon and I we liked bagels and ketchup lol. For a small town, this family was a breath of fresh air. I had not, have not told them I found out or how much I am sorry or how much I loved Lennon and how much of an impact this news made on my life. I didn’t sleep for a long time, I would dream of him; I miss him all the time. We were not everyday talking friends anymore; we didn’t hang out because we lived so far apart. We had grown apart in many ways, but our souls were still best friends I feel. I still felt he was my best friends, had, have a picture of the 2 of us up in my home and would, still say “Oh that me and my best friend when we were in high school” when people ask about it. The picture is in my room now, I like having him close to my dreams. I can’t bring my self to get closure to this, I want to, and every year for several years now I go through this struggle with my self that wants to confront it, but can not. Part of me can still pretend like he is living his life and doing all the things we had talked about if I don’t confront it. We just lost touch and he is doing great things. He is alive and well. I know that is not true, but I guess I can still kind of feel that way, but the sadness I have and the quilt I hold for not knowing and for missing that and If I had been a better friend could I have seen it coming, could I have helped him? The guilt of not knowing and the guilt of not dealing with it once I knew is something I can not get past. No one knew how to get a hold of me, he was literally the only person I kept contact with from Hazard at the time, I didn’t care to keep contact with anyone else. I had some issues from that place. I would go to visit him and that was it. I have not been there in years. I am contemplating going to visit a friend, his friend, my friend, our friend, whom is having a baby. I want to go and see her so bad, I miss her and I am so happy that this baby is coming, though I don’t express it to her. She is an amazing person hat I love with all my heart and whom made an impact on me in my life. The thought of going back though, to see her brings up so much that I have been avoiding dealing with and I am scared to face those feelings and her. How could I not know he was gone?

I am really a messed up person, so you see why I feel like I am living a lie when people say how strong I am. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak. I feel like a crazy person most days. I am scared that I will lose Michael; I am scared to face the fact that I lost Lennon and I scared to live my self, because to live you have to feel.

Well I guess that is that. My therapy session. I really need to blog more, I need to because righting is my therapy, someone needs to remind me to write instead of trying to sort over a months worth of mess in one entry J

I give

Not much to say tonight except it is time for me to get off the ride. I having nothing else to give say do and I don't want to feel.

Love you all always!!