So here we are again, just got out of one of those hot showers, the ones you go to cry and I still can not sleep so here I am hoping this will help. Perhaps if I kept my word to my self and actually blogged more often I would not hold so much in.

Michael is in bed, he has not been feeling well over the weekend which is when I usually blog incase you missed the pattern. He stared feeling bad last week and wouldn't go to the doctor, finally he agreed to go to immediate care on Sunday, nothing serious, a pretty bad sinus infection that called for some pretty expensive meds, but he should be feeling better soon, I hope. He is coughing a lot and such. We go to see his oncologist the amazing Doc Hadley on Wednesday so I will have him take a look then also to be on the safe side. The last few weeks have been O.K. Some minor problems, fatigue, him feeling a little down at times and nausea with all the chemo pills, but compared the first 6 weeks of this round and the last 6 months it has not been horrible. I remind you though I can not let my guard down because I know what is coming. We had a talk tonight about some things, not mine to bring up here, but I know his heart is heavy, I don't think I helped though; perhaps I made him feel worse. It was not my intention, but sometimes the best intentions just are not comforting.

The car is in the shop again, picked it up from the shop on Monday went back in on Thursday and I won't get it back until at least Wednesday. The transmission is being replaced and now I am in debt to my in-laws again. I am glad they are there to help, however I don't like that feeling of owing someone again. That feeling of having to feel bad knowing you owe someone, I can't explain the feeling and there is a little more there, that I also don't care to go in to at this time. It is again not my issues to share; I will stick to sharing my issues in this edition lol. I just hope money don't come between us, again. I think money is a silly thing to come between families. That is all I am going to say about that. If you read this though thank you all for your help with this issue. With out my car, my life would be impossible right now defiantly!

I am struggling a little this evening with another evil that has come from cancer. Loss of being "the wife". Yes for those of you rooting for him to leave me, we are still together and in love. I just miss being his wife, you know the woman, though I have always been strong and kind of the man in our relationship, I do miss being the wife when I want to. I miss him taking care of me sometimes. I miss feeling secure in his arms and I miss sharing all my hopes, dreams and feeling with him. I could share hopes and dreams if I had any, but those are something else that cancer chewed up and spit in my face. My feelings, I mostly keep them to myself. This evening I almost got to be the wife a little while. I was watching t.v., he was on the computer and he came to me and said "let's go to bed, I will give you a massage and you can relax". Now my back has been killing me for days and tomorrow is going to be hell at work, which is why I should be in bed and not here doing this. It is the last day of the month at the food stamp office, after a 4 day weekend, just saying. Anyways, I felt like he got that I needed some attention and maybe he did. We go to bed and I am ready to relax and talk to him about me, and get some much needed attention from my husband, not the cancer patient, not the person I take care, not from people concerned about him, but from my husband, those of you going through this battle might get that. I was ready and it felt good to have him offer that up out of no where, like he used to. Well I am sitting here so it must not have gone well. I didn't get the massage, instead we talked, about things on his mind and that turned in to things on my mind, there was no relaxing, there was no massage. Just more stress, more things to think about and more things to keep me from sleeping. Now he is resting and I sit here typing and my 3 loyal readers will say something nice to make me feel better, but I need him, I need to be his wife, just for a few hours. I miss going out to the ball game and him going to get me a drink or a snack, I miss needing gas in the car and him doing it for me, I miss taking walks with him at night, talking while the kids run off in front of us laughing because the can beat us, when really we are glad to have the time alone to walk and talk. Again being the wife. Now I am the husband and the mother and the care taker, nurse, friend, lover sometimes, but I don't feel much like a wife. It is not his fault, I am not mad at him so don't go there, I am not blaming anything but this fucking disease (grandma you knew I had to fuck once so go ahead and scold me about my mouth).

When we was out this weekend, he said to me, he was my bitch, he was carrying my purse, I don't remember where we was or why he had it, but I am one of those wife’s that has her husband hold her purse occasionally, well often. But he said to me that I pay for everything, I drive him around, and he is my bitch so he should carry the purse. He was joking and I admit at the time and in the situation it was funny. I think about it right now though and I imagine how he must be feeling while I wine about how I feel. He has lost driving for the most part, he has lost working, and he can't stand or walk for very long, he feels horrible all the time from poison in his body. I can't image that he feels much like a husband right now either. So how can I be the wife if he does not feel like the husband? I try to make him feel like a man often. Like when we go out to eat, I leave the bill for him to pay lol, we have a joint account and he said to me the other day "are you going to let me pretend to pay the bill again, I don't have any money" Well I look at it as our money, when I was in college and could not afford to work thanks to high priced child care, he worked and it was our money, but I get that it is different for men. He will start to get Social Security in a couple months sure, but I guess that is still not the same to him. I guess we have to redefine our roles and go with it. We are more connected at this time in our 9 years than I think we have ever been. We laugh more, we talk more, we spend a lot more time together since his is not working late anymore, we are happy for the most part. We are both dealing with some loss though and I know that is normal, blah blah, but it is still there and hard to process sometime, like tonight when I want and need to be the wife.

The kids are nuts, Meredith is the little momma and for the most part helping out, she give me fits, don't get me wrong, but she is more willing to help and give me a lot of love. Ethan who has been dealing well until recently he is starting to rebel, talk back a lot, do what he’s told not to do and fight with me about everything. I know that part of that is that he is 10 and he starting to take that turn toward teenager, but I think some of it is dealing with all this stuff and needing a man to be there and well I am dad right now for the most part, Michael is here, thank god, he is here, but he is kinds of disconnected. I got to fix that one, the kids need him still. We talked tonight and I think it will help, but I don't think he is happy with me right now.  I want to help though. Cancer has messed up a lot of shit, but we can't let it mess us this family. We are a strong family, a foursome of goffy,  hip hoppin wii playing, bats game going, head bangers and we can make it through it all whole. I know we can.

We are going to end this one with a positive, I went with my sister to look for me a swim suit and I found one, big deal right, well if you spent the last 5 years not having one because there was none in the stores to fit you, than you would be excited also, I am guessing I am at that 100 lb mark now, last week when I weighed it was 99 lbs. Also, I was wearing a size 36 or larger when I started my wellness journey and I tried on some pants today, just for curiosity sake and I got a 32 thinking they would probably not fit, I said to my sister " I know I am not here yet, but lets see how close I am" We were in fashion bug, thanks to her having an awesome coupon that got me a swim suit at wal mart prices lol, and a 32 is as big as they go. I have not even been able to shop there in years because they don't carry my size or should I say didn't. I can't afford to shop now, but it was good just to fit again, ohh did I mention the 32 didn't fit me, but the 28 did!!! So just to make sure I tired on the 28's of like very brand and it is official, I am back in the 20's lol. My swim suit is also a 28! Ok, that is all for tonight, nothing to big or heavy this evening, just on my mind and I need some sleep,  gotta get up in just over 4 hours.

Peace!