The King has left

Poppa had a bad night, I didn't make it to work this morning because I was up all night with him and my and brain and body is worn out, it is worn for different reasons, but just like his mine is exhausted. It is noon and I am trying to get him to eat. I feel so helpless when he is sick like this. Work needs me, Michael needs me, the kids need me and the bill collectors want me!! I feel so torn all the time and I am always, no matter what I am letting someone down. Sorry, back to Michael. He almost passed out at the doc yesterday when getting blood drawn because he was so weak. He goes back in 3 weeks. His white count is down to 1.9, but his other counts are ok so no blood is needed. Doc was going over the protocol for next round and he said "this going to be a pain in the ass" He said it was going to be real hard on him, but we have to keep our mind on why he is going through it. Than it is hard to keep your mind on why when he is so sick and we know that non Hoskins is UNCURABLE. There is active and not active (remission), but it will never be gone and that sucks and makes it hard to keep your eye on the prize, what is the prize? Remission will be wonderful, I don't want to sound ungrateful if remission is what we get, but it will forever be "is it back" and knowing that after this hell of a round we have 2 years of chemo very similar to what he is doing now and let me tell you it is not fun. I don't know, guess I am having a day, but I am putting a smile on my face and trying to get him to eat because I can't let him know how scared I am or how stressed I am and yes I know he will read this eventually. I am not a dummy, I am stating how I feel, and I know he knows I am scared and stressed and worried. I just feel like I can not express it to him or go to him for comfort. I have been holding back for weeks and not blogging or posting because I want him to think I am positive and in a good place, but he knows better, I am sure the breakdown I had last Wednesday night and all Thursday didn't tip him off either. I really want to be able to hold it all together for him and the kids, I want to be their rock and I feel like I should be in a psych ward most days, not someone else’s rock. When people tell me how strong I am and how wonderful I am doing with it all, I feel like a fraud, because I don’t feel that strong, I don’t feel like I am doing a good job.

Ok I have finally convinced him to eat and he wants a big boy sandwich so I am going to make him get out of the house and take him to get big boy and than I will be back to this because what I thought was going to be a simple group update has turned into a blog entry. I have needed to blog, for me and have not had time, but sometimes things just happen when we need them.

Ok, I am back; he ate well, a patty melt and fries. Now he is lying on the couch watching his fav show, Maury lol. So lunch brings up another issue, I got my lap band tightened last Monday. This was my third fill and has really restricted my eating, which I needed, but it is hard. I quit smoking a year ago, have lost 90 lbs and still have a lot more to lose so it is necessary to get healthy, but c’mon! I can’t smoke, eat and sure as hell don’t make enough money to drink. Some days it is so hard to not just buy a pack of smokes. It would crush the kids and I know it would wreak havoc on my lungs and I have worked so hard to improve my health, but some days the stress is over whelming and all I can think of is relief. Some days are worse than others. Some days are good and I cherish those days, but even the good days, I don’t fully enjoy because I am on edge waiting for something to go wrong or bad.

My mom is nuts and is poison to my life, my dad is absent as he has always been. This is a time when I need them, I need my daddy to hug me and tell me it will be ok or if it is not ok he is there for me. I could use that motherly advice or that mom time when you talk like they do in the movies and have that mom to mom heart felt talk lol. Well instead, my dad is doing what ever he is doing, I wasn’t even invited over for Easter and the rest of the family was. My mom, well she told my son’s psychiatrist we abuse him and there is domestic violence in my home all because she is mental and has this weird obsession with my son. She truly thinks if she could get him taken from me than she could get custody of him, like that will ever happen! She hates men, my husband and my sister’s fiancé included. She also can’t stand my 8 year old daughter so let her say she is not mental, no one sane could dislike a child the way she can. She has always been that way! Her step children, other children. She is not right in the head and I can’t fix her and I quit trying. For years I have been there for her and tried to help her all the while reaching out to her trying to get a mom out of that mess and I give up on that. I don’t have the energy anymore, she thinks I won’t cut her out of my life, well I cut dad years ago and I can you also. I have to worry about me sometimes and you are not healthy for me or my family. Your grandson is traumatized by you, not me, you!!

I have also been thinking about a great friend of mine that passed away several years ago. I couldn’t figure out why he had been on my mind so much the last week until I was laying in bed a few nights ago and it hit me that it was May, he was born and died in May and even I didn’t realize it consciously my subconscious knew. I never had closure there, my life went a different direction than his, we would write and talk on the phone all the time, he was my closest friend and I talked to him about things that I still have not shared to this day with others. We got each other. I loved him like a brother, a best friend indeed. I decided to have children, something we said we would never do, because we were rock stars. Also I moved hours away. I still have letters from him and one in particular where he tells me he loves me, we were not big on feelings. I was reading it recently and it just got me. Here is the thing about his death, I didn’t know he died. Like I said we had grew a part some over the years and went our own direction. I would call him sometimes and check in and we would talk for hours and it was good. I had called him when I got out of the hospital when Meredith was born in April and he was having a issue with his girlfriend and she called in on the line and she said “call me back, I need to talk to her” I said “I see you don’t have time for me anymore” He said “promise you will call back” and I said “yeah asshole I will call you back” I didn’t call back, he died in May. I didn’t know. I called once more a few months later, late at night; I called late, and didn’t get an answer. I got busy with life and a second child and buying a house and so on. Well the following May (a year after he died) I moved in to my house and as I was unpacking I found a letter I wrote him, telling him about the KISS and Aerosmith concert I had went to and I never mailed the letter. This made me think of him, it was like 2 or 3 in the morning so I thought; “I am going to call him tomorrow”. Well I got on the computer and I was thinking about him and I started to Google the name of his band and such to see if I could find anything new with that. I thought I will find out what he has been into and when I call him tomorrow I will have something to talk about other than the kids. He was always aggravated that I decided to have kids and he hated my ex husband. Again, he was still a rock star and I was mom! Well I googled the band, didn’t find much so I than I started doing searches on him and I didn’t expect to find a group on MySpace that was a “memorial” to him. The person who was running it was another friend of mine that I had lost touch with, so I emailed her to see if this was real, I mean knowing him it could have been fake, he was twisted like that, we both were at one time. It was several days before I heard back from her and I was afraid to call his home, his parent’s home. When she wrote back I found that it was true, he was gone and I didn’t know, I didn’t go to the funeral, I didn’t pay my respects to his family that I loved, his sister, him mom and dad were the most amazing people you could meet, The whole family was just awesome. His mom was a great cook, always made interesting things, the last time I was in to visit she made this real neat pizza’s, Lennon and I we liked bagels and ketchup lol. For a small town, this family was a breath of fresh air. I had not, have not told them I found out or how much I am sorry or how much I loved Lennon and how much of an impact this news made on my life. I didn’t sleep for a long time, I would dream of him; I miss him all the time. We were not everyday talking friends anymore; we didn’t hang out because we lived so far apart. We had grown apart in many ways, but our souls were still best friends I feel. I still felt he was my best friends, had, have a picture of the 2 of us up in my home and would, still say “Oh that me and my best friend when we were in high school” when people ask about it. The picture is in my room now, I like having him close to my dreams. I can’t bring my self to get closure to this, I want to, and every year for several years now I go through this struggle with my self that wants to confront it, but can not. Part of me can still pretend like he is living his life and doing all the things we had talked about if I don’t confront it. We just lost touch and he is doing great things. He is alive and well. I know that is not true, but I guess I can still kind of feel that way, but the sadness I have and the quilt I hold for not knowing and for missing that and If I had been a better friend could I have seen it coming, could I have helped him? The guilt of not knowing and the guilt of not dealing with it once I knew is something I can not get past. No one knew how to get a hold of me, he was literally the only person I kept contact with from Hazard at the time, I didn’t care to keep contact with anyone else. I had some issues from that place. I would go to visit him and that was it. I have not been there in years. I am contemplating going to visit a friend, his friend, my friend, our friend, whom is having a baby. I want to go and see her so bad, I miss her and I am so happy that this baby is coming, though I don’t express it to her. She is an amazing person hat I love with all my heart and whom made an impact on me in my life. The thought of going back though, to see her brings up so much that I have been avoiding dealing with and I am scared to face those feelings and her. How could I not know he was gone?

I am really a messed up person, so you see why I feel like I am living a lie when people say how strong I am. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak. I feel like a crazy person most days. I am scared that I will lose Michael; I am scared to face the fact that I lost Lennon and I scared to live my self, because to live you have to feel.

Well I guess that is that. My therapy session. I really need to blog more, I need to because righting is my therapy, someone needs to remind me to write instead of trying to sort over a months worth of mess in one entry J