Awake

I am so tired and sleepy that I feel like a baby who has not had a nap in a week! I want to sleep so bad that I feel like I want to cry! I can not sleep, I have tired so hard to fall asleep for the last several nights with no success, it seems like I fall asleep just in time for the alarm to go off to get the kids up.

I am not sure what is keeping me up, there is so many options to chose from, tonight I could blame my foot, but I have pain pills, I could blame Michael feeling bad, but he is resting well, I could blame the pending PET scan results, but I am feel OK about that kinda I think. I could blame the up coming bone marrow biopsy, but I didn't expect to go ape shit over that until about Monday, because he may get sick again and it may not even happen. It could be finances, but I just try not to think about that anymore. It could be worrying about work or getting time donated, but I have no control over that either.

The phrase let god and let go comes to mind a lot lately, but those who know me, know I believe in god, but I am not very religious, I clash with organized religion and many of the church's beliefs so I am not sure how to  really navigate this either. I have so much inside me that I can not let go. Anger first, I don't know why it is the first feeling that comes to mind when I think about my feelings however it does, than comes sadness, than worry, than frustration, and finally exhaustion. I am not saying I am never happy, I have sprinkles of happy and that comes from time with my family, my children and my husband, I enjoy them and I feel happy when we are together, but it is not a dominate feeling and even when we are "having fun" I have so much going in my head that it is like I have ADD and I have to fight off all these distractions to get caught in the moment. I used to get caught in the moment so easy, to easy sometimes that I would ignore other things that needed my attention because I just loved to live in moments with my kids.

I look back at pictures and each album captures a moment, I recently added a lot of pictures to Michael's group on Facebook because I wanted everyone to see him the person not just the illness, I want him to be seen in his moments. I don't think anyone knows him like I do, people think they know Michael and they think they know me as they probably think they know you, but they know this idea of who we are that they have created, there are few people who really know who you are, who knows your heart and your head. Not to say that is a bad thing either, if everyone knew us the same way than relationships would not be special, we would all have the same connections and impersonal interactions. What is sad is those people who you should have special relationships with, but they don't take the time to get to know you, even if they have known you your whole life. Yeah I know I lost a few of you there, but it is ok because those of you know got it, get it and that is all I am asking lol.

I have been very emotional lately, I am not sure why, I can't say this or that is making me feel this way, it is just an over whelming feeling of emotions that sometimes I feel like I can't control. There are things I want and even need personally for me, but I don't express them and wouldn't know who to express them to, but I don't even think that it is it. Perhaps just as Michael's body is getting wore out my mental is getting wore out, as many times as he has been knocked down medically, I have been knocked down emotionally. It would make sense that there would be some effects from all the ups and downs over the last almost year now.

When he was sick this last time it kind of hit me how lost I have gotten in all of this, I had become comfortable with people telling me over and over and over how hard this is on him and how hard it is on the kids and what I need to do to make it better or easier for them and I never even considered until the last week he was in the hospital that I am part of those feelings also. this effects me also, its hard on me also and I absorb it all for my husband and my children so I get hit perhaps a little harder or deeper or something. I mean I am not saying I have it worse, because I don't believe that or feel that, but I feel I am more in this than anyone else aside from Michael so all those who keep telling me how hard this is on Michael or the kids, I know that, I am not stupid and the ones who want me to feel sorry for them and cry to me about how hard things are on them, because of the poor choices they make, I don't have the energy for you and I don't feel sorry for you.

 There is that anger turrets acting up again. Ok I just flipped off the air and I feel better, will try not to make another entry about my anger and frustration with stupid cause there is a better chance that we will find a cure for cancer than we will find one for stupid. If someone organized a walk to benefit a cure for stupid, I would donate, I would even walk. I bet records would be broke in fundraising, mostly because the stupid think they are not and would donate for their own cure lol. Ok I will stop now, I am just tired ranting now, though it is kind of funny ;)

I do find myself wanting to act out more than usual. I yell at my phone a lot and back space as to not be ugly. I try to focus on the positive, but it is so much easier to vocalize the negative or be angry. It is hard to find good things sometimes. These are reasons why it is good to have great people in your life, I have a person who lets me be angry and bitch and listens to me and never judges me for my anger. I have someone in my life that gives me great advice and helps me be impartial and gives me sound advice and I have someone in my life that makes me feel important and like I do matter in this journey, I think it may be because she has been in my role. People play different but important roles and I need them all. Some people have said to me they don't know how I "do it all", I just see it as the only option and I go! But to answer the question it is you all, the people who give me the outlets I need that make it possible. 

This has not been a real emotionally charged entry, there was not tears shed, I think for the first entry, but it is just thoughts during my journey. I am emotional, but feel emotionless right now, perhaps that is what is keeping me up. I hold it all in, I let it out in little burst sometimes because I am overflowing.  I can express my love and devotion that comes easy to me, but the other feelings I struggle with. I don't express my anger well or my sadness, or my worry, or my frustration or my exhaustion. I mention it here or there because writing is an outlet for me, but I don't really let them out. If that is the key to sleep, I am going to continue to be so very tired!

Am I talking to you?

Unbreakable 

I can't sleep so why not type, it may help! I can't get past the fact that he is still feeling so bad even though his counts are stabilizing, it makes me feel uneasy. PT never showed up either, I hope to see them today. Not sure who all reads this page, but I want to put this out there. Michael does now and will always come first before feelings getting hurt because people can't see past their own selfish train of thought. My children and my husband are where my obligation and loyalty lie. My children need to have him around just as I do. I love him enough to put myself last, I love him enough to look past his pain and his hurt to see the scared man he is. The fact that I am trying so hard to build him up and get him well and others are putting their feelings first and their own agenda's before MY FAMILY is not ok. I have tired to make peace and I have tired to heal, but I am not going to continue to be a punching bag or allow him to continue to be a punching bag because there are those who can not come to terms with their own guilt and still need someone to blame. When the BS don't stop it is hard for me to keep making excuses for you, you tear me down and I build you up to him because I thought that was what was best for him, but right now I am not sure I was right. He is fighting hard and for the same people to still be fighting him and taking his energy away from getting better, well tells me that nothing was learned. I try and try to help, I try and try to give advice on what he needs, yet he still comes second. I am hurting and I can't sleep because I see what you are doing to him, I can take it, go head punch me, I don't feel it anymore, but I seen that he shut down today and I need his head in the game. He is sick, he still has a long battle ahead of him, it is not over. I may always hurt over this for what it has done to my husband and for the loss I feel, there are things I will never understand and I have to stop trying. I can't understand how I am expected to comfort those who hurt me, why do I feel compassion when none is felt for me. I don't want to feel for people who are so careless with the life I hold so dear. I want to be strong enough to say I don't care. 

Michael said early on ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and he was right, and the actions continue to speak. There are few who we felt his energy should be used on, energy that he needs to fight, I thought perhaps if he spent that energy it would bring healing and it would give him some positive energy to replace the hurt and that would make up for that spent energy.  Again I was wrong. 

I could call out names, or I could be disrespectful and just say exactly what is on my mind, but I am above that. I have chosen to be above it the whole time. As I was attacked unfairly and lies spread about me and my family, I didn't waste my energy on you, I put him first, instead of putting my feelings first and wasting my energy on you I put him first and I put that energy in to him. Perhaps if your energy was there putting him before yourself, than you would not be holding so much guilt. I know I keep saying "you" and I am not talking to "one" you, there are many of "you" and if you are reading this and feeling guilty I am talking to you, If you are reading this and feeling angry at me or him I am talking to you, if you are on the phone reading this back and forth and talking about how right you are and how wrong he is or I am than I am talking to you.  If you decided that your friends or your social life or your time was more valuable than him I am talking to you. If you are angry that he has support from others in his life instead of glad he is not alone, I am talking to you!  If you put yourself before others when they need you most I AM TALKING TO YOU. Even if you have nothing to do with my personal situation and you are or have done these things I AM TALKING TO YOU!! 

I am not talking about you, I am not talking at you as many of you like to do, and I am not talking behind your back which is another favorite of yours. I am talking to you! 

The blog entry is not endorsed my Michael Thomas as his thoughts and feelings are not endorsed my me, they are supported though and if you can't figure out the difference between support and brain washing than I know I should not have to finish this sentence, but since you are hard headed I am going to I AM TALKING TO YOU!!! 

As he fights, he takes this poison in every day and absorbs it, and this time I am talking about the chemo when I say poison, not you! You go on living your life, I am sure you stop to think of him usually because something reminds you that you are being an ass. I am sure you miss him, when you are not busy with your life. I know you love him; just too bad you love your self more. He fights for me and his children and we fight back for him, perhaps if you were fighting for him he would be fighting back for you and the more people has to fight back for the harder he might fight. When you say it is to hot or to cold or your to tired or it’s to late, or you have plans when he needs you than you expect him to endure so much to live, your life don't depend on others or you might think differently. He has to trust right now. He has to trust his doctors, he has to trust me, he has to trust his body, he has to trust his self, he has to trust god. It is hard to trust when feel scared and insecure as he does and YOU make him not trust you, I didn't do that and he didn't do that. Some of you checked out on him long before he got sick, some of you think you were there, but chose another life just a few years before he got sick. Some of you believe you made our family, but we made our family. One of you he is not ready to give up on and he loves you very much and I know you know who you are and just so it won't get messed up I will call that name out Stephanie your brother loves you so much and he called you today because he is scared of losing you again, He don't want you to chose or be in the middle of anything, he just wants you to be his little sister and fight with him and you should be allowed to do that with out being put in the middle by anyone, no one should expect you to break your bond with him because they chose not to have one and they should not look at you as their "in", they are their own "in" so to speak and you were your own "in" and they chose to throw it away. You chose to allow you’re self to see past the bull shit and see we need you and you need us. We don't want all of you, just a part of you. Just know that no matter what, no matter how hurt or angry he is Michael loves you so much and as long as you can accept how he feels he can accept how you feel, you don't have to agree, you just have to put his feeling first when you are with him because he needs you. 

I am a good mother, I am good wife, I am a good provider and I am good person and I don't need anyone else to validate that, Michael validates that. If you don't like me, who cares I can live with that, but if you can't respect me than don't expect me to keep pretending. 

I am putting this out there because righting it what I do and I feel like it is my turn to be heard. I don't want anything in return, no response, any apology or grief. I just want you to let him be and if you are needed and want to help I will accept because that is what is best for him, we need help with the kids, with bills and medications to keep him alive, I need those who have not completely pushed him out of their lives to show up and be there for him when he is begging for attention and when he is alone. I don't need anyone telling me about his condition or what is best for him medically, I got that and I have kept him alive this long, give me some credit, I deserve it. I don't need anyone criticizing me for being with him when he needs me. I am not lazy, I have always worked, whether I worked to support my family or the 2 years I worked as a house wife and mother because that it what my family needed. You don't know why we have made our choices because you chose not to be part of our lives until he got sick. I work when I can and lazy, shit, do any of you know how much harder this job is? Perhaps had anyone else been willing to step up to the plate 10 months ago to really be there and be involved I could depend on you to step in so I could be more places I need to be, but you chose differently and that can not be undone and no one can catch up now.

When my bank account is 0 because I spend my money on bills and kids and medications and you tell him that you only have 300 in the bank and make him feel bad for needing a 10 dollar prescription, or when you tell him he only calls when he needs something, or you tell me that I should be able to provide better that is not help. Than in the same breath you say let us help, well do you want to help or do you want him to feel guilty for needing help. Do you want to help or do you want to make your self feel better. How many of you have picked up the kids on a regular, how many have asked if the kids had food on a regular, how many have asked me if  I needed a shoulder, just once when you were having your girls days out did you ever think, I bet Stefanie could use a break like this? No and I can live with that even though it makes me feel hurt, but again this is not about me, so let me ask, how many of you have stopped by when Michael was sitting home alone all day, and how many of you have brought Michael food when he was to weak to feed himself, how many of you took him out to lunch or a movie, how many of you called him just to talk about anything except cancer, how many of you took him to a ball game when he wanted to go, how many of you had the time, but had something better to do. There are enough people in this family with days off through the week and who are retired and who can afford to take an early day to get hair done, so he should never have to feel alone, but he does. He has begged for companion ship, I have emailed and begged for him. So let me use some names again and answer to you who has made that time for him and than you ask me why they come first to him and why he asks for them instead of you, Those people who put him first and didn't have to were Janet Rich, Jim Rich, Tami Schott, Lilia Rodriguez, Kimberly Etherton, Lisa Neal, Kevin Etherton, Carin Jett even during her toughest times, Mary Sanders, Sue Wyatt, Nelda Carman, Walter Brock, Janna Baldridge, Brittany Etherton, Andrew Pettit, Dan Torres (who has made it possible for me to be there)  Many Many people from his wellness group and my friends and family group at Gilda's I won't name you all because I will leave someone out and most recently Stephanie Mallory. I may have left someone out and I didn't do it on purpose, I have not yet been to bed at it is 7:16 am, so I am not as sharp and I could be, but if you have to ask "was I a person she left out" NO I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. 

I will close this with something I raise my children by; Life is about choices and living with those choices. I love you all, but sometimes loving someone from a distance is the only way you can love them. Like my own mother, I love her, I think of her and I miss her, but I have to love her from a distance. 

Again this was a public service announcement by Stefanie Gail Thomas and in no way shape for form is this Michael's words, I have a suspicion he will agree, but I have spent a long time relaying messages for him and being hated for it, at least this way you can hate me for my own message. 

The loss is great that I feel for some that just won't let me help, for others I feel nothing. 

If you made it to the end of this entry go take a Xanax, Michael has to take one every time he gets to the end of your shit so it is ok!