Awake

I am so tired and sleepy that I feel like a baby who has not had a nap in a week! I want to sleep so bad that I feel like I want to cry! I can not sleep, I have tired so hard to fall asleep for the last several nights with no success, it seems like I fall asleep just in time for the alarm to go off to get the kids up.

I am not sure what is keeping me up, there is so many options to chose from, tonight I could blame my foot, but I have pain pills, I could blame Michael feeling bad, but he is resting well, I could blame the pending PET scan results, but I am feel OK about that kinda I think. I could blame the up coming bone marrow biopsy, but I didn't expect to go ape shit over that until about Monday, because he may get sick again and it may not even happen. It could be finances, but I just try not to think about that anymore. It could be worrying about work or getting time donated, but I have no control over that either.

The phrase let god and let go comes to mind a lot lately, but those who know me, know I believe in god, but I am not very religious, I clash with organized religion and many of the church's beliefs so I am not sure how to  really navigate this either. I have so much inside me that I can not let go. Anger first, I don't know why it is the first feeling that comes to mind when I think about my feelings however it does, than comes sadness, than worry, than frustration, and finally exhaustion. I am not saying I am never happy, I have sprinkles of happy and that comes from time with my family, my children and my husband, I enjoy them and I feel happy when we are together, but it is not a dominate feeling and even when we are "having fun" I have so much going in my head that it is like I have ADD and I have to fight off all these distractions to get caught in the moment. I used to get caught in the moment so easy, to easy sometimes that I would ignore other things that needed my attention because I just loved to live in moments with my kids.

I look back at pictures and each album captures a moment, I recently added a lot of pictures to Michael's group on Facebook because I wanted everyone to see him the person not just the illness, I want him to be seen in his moments. I don't think anyone knows him like I do, people think they know Michael and they think they know me as they probably think they know you, but they know this idea of who we are that they have created, there are few people who really know who you are, who knows your heart and your head. Not to say that is a bad thing either, if everyone knew us the same way than relationships would not be special, we would all have the same connections and impersonal interactions. What is sad is those people who you should have special relationships with, but they don't take the time to get to know you, even if they have known you your whole life. Yeah I know I lost a few of you there, but it is ok because those of you know got it, get it and that is all I am asking lol.

I have been very emotional lately, I am not sure why, I can't say this or that is making me feel this way, it is just an over whelming feeling of emotions that sometimes I feel like I can't control. There are things I want and even need personally for me, but I don't express them and wouldn't know who to express them to, but I don't even think that it is it. Perhaps just as Michael's body is getting wore out my mental is getting wore out, as many times as he has been knocked down medically, I have been knocked down emotionally. It would make sense that there would be some effects from all the ups and downs over the last almost year now.

When he was sick this last time it kind of hit me how lost I have gotten in all of this, I had become comfortable with people telling me over and over and over how hard this is on him and how hard it is on the kids and what I need to do to make it better or easier for them and I never even considered until the last week he was in the hospital that I am part of those feelings also. this effects me also, its hard on me also and I absorb it all for my husband and my children so I get hit perhaps a little harder or deeper or something. I mean I am not saying I have it worse, because I don't believe that or feel that, but I feel I am more in this than anyone else aside from Michael so all those who keep telling me how hard this is on Michael or the kids, I know that, I am not stupid and the ones who want me to feel sorry for them and cry to me about how hard things are on them, because of the poor choices they make, I don't have the energy for you and I don't feel sorry for you.

 There is that anger turrets acting up again. Ok I just flipped off the air and I feel better, will try not to make another entry about my anger and frustration with stupid cause there is a better chance that we will find a cure for cancer than we will find one for stupid. If someone organized a walk to benefit a cure for stupid, I would donate, I would even walk. I bet records would be broke in fundraising, mostly because the stupid think they are not and would donate for their own cure lol. Ok I will stop now, I am just tired ranting now, though it is kind of funny ;)

I do find myself wanting to act out more than usual. I yell at my phone a lot and back space as to not be ugly. I try to focus on the positive, but it is so much easier to vocalize the negative or be angry. It is hard to find good things sometimes. These are reasons why it is good to have great people in your life, I have a person who lets me be angry and bitch and listens to me and never judges me for my anger. I have someone in my life that gives me great advice and helps me be impartial and gives me sound advice and I have someone in my life that makes me feel important and like I do matter in this journey, I think it may be because she has been in my role. People play different but important roles and I need them all. Some people have said to me they don't know how I "do it all", I just see it as the only option and I go! But to answer the question it is you all, the people who give me the outlets I need that make it possible. 

This has not been a real emotionally charged entry, there was not tears shed, I think for the first entry, but it is just thoughts during my journey. I am emotional, but feel emotionless right now, perhaps that is what is keeping me up. I hold it all in, I let it out in little burst sometimes because I am overflowing.  I can express my love and devotion that comes easy to me, but the other feelings I struggle with. I don't express my anger well or my sadness, or my worry, or my frustration or my exhaustion. I mention it here or there because writing is an outlet for me, but I don't really let them out. If that is the key to sleep, I am going to continue to be so very tired!

drip drip drip goes the iv, boom boom boom goes the Earth!

Up giving Michael his iv while it thunders and lightening. I feel like I need a good cry, but don't deserve one. My mind is heavy today for several reasons. Yesterday was good day and night and today has sucked. From the first check of the email this morning, to Michael's heath set back today. I should be used to the ups and downs by now, but it is hard for us caretakers to watch and try and keep up with. I know for me this is a bump and I feel in my heart we will get remission and I know there are others that don't have the chance of or the hope for remission at this time and my heart breaks even more for them. Today I struggle with my feelings and fears and his health and the feeling of guilt of feeling sorry for my own situation. I know what she would say, and I know her heart, but still as scared as I am for me and as worried as I am for him, there are those who have it worse and I want to acknowledge that before I go on. I have been praying a lot today, honestly praying and I am not a big prayer, I will admit that. I have not been praying for me or for Michael today, but for someone who needs it more.

As I sit here watching him rest, knowing what his body going through and how much more it will be going through in a mere 3 days, watching and listening to the iv drip and the storm outside brew I know this is my life. I used to say is this really my life, like I was going to wake up, but I know this is my life now. Michael said to me tonight as my heart is breaking for him that he is sorry, he said he is sorry several times, to the point that I wanted to scream at him "stop fucking apologizing, this is not your fault". I refrained and told him it instead of screaming. He said to me that he is sorry that this has become my life, taking care of him and being disappointed and having a husband who can't even take me out for a nice evening. I don't want him to be sorry for me. Every day he fights for me he is doing more for me than I could ask for. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard and I don't regret not taking advantage of all the time I had him well and wasted it. I get mad at cancer and pissed off that he has to fight so hard, never am I disappointed by or at him!

Michael and I , as all married people have been thorough some stuff in our time together. Good and bad, some I am proud of some I am not. Up's and downs, better or worse and now sickness and health. We are going on 10 years now so that is expected, but I wish I turned them downs into up's quicker, but I would not trade the down's or worse because it has made up the couple we are today! It has made us strong enough to endure this journey and it has made our passion stronger. I think back to what has made this marriage work and not my last marriage, besides the fact that I was 18 lol.  Well I think one is love, this was truer and mature love, what I have now! Also it takes work and passion and you have to be with some one you are willing to fight with and against because you can't always be on the same side. For the most part though I think it comes down the simplicity of this. If you are more miserable with someone than you are with out them than it is time to walk away, but if you are more miserable with out them than there is a reason to stay. I have never felt that I would be happier with out Michael even we have been at our worst. I was there with Chuck, I was miserable every day at the bull shit and lies I had to put up with. I share these thoughts for a few reasons, one is I want Michael to know how I feel about him and another is that I have some real friends and family and and some Facebook friends who are going through a hard time in their relationships and sometimes it helps to hear that we all do. Even as Michael has been sick we have had fights, disagreements and that is great, we still have the passion and the fire, I can't let cancer take that away and I can not be afraid to treat him like my husband because that is what he is, that is his role to me. He told me the other day that I was being a bitch and I was being a bitch, the stress gets to me sometimes and I have a hard time hiding the bitch, I can hide the tears easier! Later and again Friday I laughed about it. We have always had a relationship where we said what was on our mind to each other and just do us, we talk to each other how we damn well please we love doing it and it helped us deal with life, we could always be honest and be us with each other. It made me feel good that he could tell me I was being bitch, he has not said that to me like that in a while, he sometimes acts like he owes me or something and like the can't say what is on his mind the same way I acted like the was sick and I couldn't say what was on my mind. Glad to know the balance is returning.

His health, it is frustrating me! I knew it was going to be a hard round and I have been through hard rounds and near death and fear and we have pulled through, but I am worried this time, like I was in the beginning, It is a new sick this time. Some days you would think he was fine, but most he is just out of it and I thought he would be bouncing back by now, he has not had chemo in 4 weeks, 3 planned, 1 unplanned. His counts are bouncing back, but his body is not, kind of scary! His endurance is shit, one good day means several bad. The one day is worth it though, don't get me wrong, he loves that day and looks forward to those 1 days, but I hate the after math even so. Today has been a bad one and those are ones that are draining for me, he sleeps through them and I know he feels bad and it can't be fun for him, but days like today I think are harder on me because I am with it and awake and watching him be so zapped, he wakes up periodically and apologizes and eats or drinks and then goes back out. I feel so bad for taking him out tonight, I thought it would be good for him but it didn't go well, he got real bad being out and it scared me, we did end up at O'Charley's and had a nice chat, but he was getting weaker and weaker as we sat there, but he wanted to eat his food, he didn't want to take it home and he didn't want to come home and me make him something, he had a taste for some O'Charley's and even when I can't afford it well, if I can pull it off and he has a taste I get it for him I want him to eat good so that is an expense I will work in when I can. I am worried about being out of work for 3 weeks and I pray I get a little time donated so I can make the bills, but it is what it is and it will work out some how. He needs me and we have gotten through worse than this. I think it will be a rough month, but we will come through ok. I am also so grateful for people who love us and are willing to help even when I am not willing to ask.

I have not been good during this bout of illness, I have sat and ate for 2 weeks and almost every day there has been ice cream involved. I am beating my self up over it, I know that if I don't allow my self to indulge in some comfort food I will indulgent in some comfort cigarettes and I don't want that so I am trying to do a little better each day, today for lunch I ate salad and for diner baked fish, but I did have my ice cream and brownie, but at least I didn't' have bad food also like other days. I know the storm will calm and I will get back to the norm. I am going to try and get back to the gym next week if he is ok enough for me to leave him an hour or 2 a few days. Not sure he will be though because he gets some serious chemo next week. We shall see, maybe I can get an hour while he is resting or something. I wish I had some ice cream right now lol. I won't buy it and keep it in the house because I will eat it all day long. If I want it, I have to go out and get it and that saves me some, if I don't feel like going out and even though most days I do it is just once and not all day lol.  I decided tomorrow to make sure I get my water intake, I have not been doing it good since I have been home, at work I take the jug and drink drink drink and than when I get home drink more, but I have been out of my routine, I am going to fill both mine and Michael's jugs up today and make sure I do every day while I am home and get him back in the habit as well.

Ok I am rambling now, just talking to myself really lmao! So I will leave you with this, why do restaurants put any ice cream dish, ala mode anything in any dish except a bowl, it may look cute on that little square plate, but it not comparable, I want to enjoy my desert while I can, not chase it around the plate!!!

This has been another rambling by Fluffy!

Nurse Betty!

Staycation Pictures!!!


I would like to start this post by saying I am the worst caretaker in the world, if you need a caretaker call Dr. Kevorkian, he is can do better than me. I am OCD, I have so much anxiety that I sometimes take it out on the patient, ie. my husband. I can't cook very good, I cry erratically, even walking through Kroger like this evening for no good reason and I am sure people probably thought I was a nut job. I was not having a melt down or having a "special" moment or anything, but I did have tears falling and I could not fight them off. Ethan was with me, but he was to busy singing opera music and being ADD to notice! I love that kid and how he can just get lost in his own little world, I wish I could do that!!! I run the vacuum when you are sleeping because if I don't run the vacuum right now I will burst!!! I get neurotic when you leave your blanket out when you are not using it and it is not that i expect you to put it away, it is that i do and than you get cold and are afraid to ask for it back because I may have moment of "I can't take the chaos"!!!

I would like to add that I have not always been this crazy and I may be being a little hard on myself, but this is how I feel I am being as a care taker. I feel like I am a complete failure at it, I should be proud that you are alive after 3 days of me taking care of you, but the question is are you glad your alive after 3 days of me taking care of you???

I felt like I was a better care taker in December when I did this, except for Christmas Night, aka to much tequila night!!!

I want to be one of those tv women who have it all together, diner on the table at the perfect time, perfectly prepared at just the right time, with bathed children who sat the table and did their home work (yes I know it is summer break). I want my house to be so clean that one of those magazine people are here to speak with me in front of my mantle (I don't have one or a fire place for that matter) about how perfect my family is and how I keep my home so well.

Who the fuck am I kidding, my family was never that, but that is the image I have in my head of how I should be in this situation. I should have it all together in a perfectly perfect kind of way that amazes everyone. People tell me how strong I am and what a good job I am doing and I feel like a fraud, I feel like I am barely hanging on waiting for something else to happen to throw my hanging by a thread plan off track.

My kids have been wonderful, they have helped me clean, cook, they have been on good behavior except for a melt down once by Ethan. They have done what was asked and even done things I didn't ask. Meredith cleaned her whole room and all I had to was go in sweep and vacuum and she did it to my standards and that is hard to do when I am like this. She even has been coming to me and telling me when she throws her straw paper away from the juice because I have had a melt down or 4 over those plastic juice straw papers :\

I don't know why my anxiety is so high, I have had harder times, November and December was a nightmare, but my anxiety is just off the charts, it was actually off the charts before this health decline with Michael, I was getting in under control though, I was back to my normal meds or less and dealing. For the last and a half though I have been nuts, eating like a crazy person and junk and that has not been me for over a year, I have been craving smokes again and I have not had that crave in a long while, I have had the occasional and mean very occasional smoke socially while drinking, maybe a total of 5 in over a year, but even then I didn't crave it and I didn't need one the next day or anything, so I am not sure why I am craving them again all the sudden. The more I think about it the more I want one. I gotta get back to the gym and work through this for my health, figure and sanity!

I think maybe that I kinda had it in my head that we were out of the woods and we were gonna go right in to remission and we were not going to have any more issues and than this smacked me and I got scared that I was going to lose him again and I was not ready for that, you are never ready, but his health went down hill fast and is bouncing back slowly, the next month is gonna be hard as hell and I know that, but it don't make it easier.

The kids are going to Florida on Friday, I am glad for them and so happy, also sad though, I am going to miss their first time seeing the ocean and all the fun they are going to have and here goes the fucking tears again. I was supposed to be doing all this stuff at this time in my life and instead I am just hoping I can keep dad healthy. I am mad as hell that I have to rely on cell phones and pictures to share my children s life with them for much of it any more. I am mad as hell that my role has changed and it seems like so many people are having fun and enjoying the things I should be enjoying. Don't get me wrong either, I want the people I love to live life and have fun, but it is hard for me to hear about it. My close friend went on vacation and I didn't even want to answer her phone call when she got back because I didn't want to feel that hurt or dare I say jealousy!!! I know this makes me a bitch and I don't mean to be, I can't help my feelings. I did answer and I did talk to her and she was wore out and stresses from the kids on vacation so there you go, the grass is not always greener blah blah! Sometimes though I enjoy seeing and hearing the stories it makes me smile to see those I love enjoying life. I am just nuts a basket case. Like the kids going to Florida I am happy for them and I am glad they get the opportunity, but I am also morning the loss of the opportunity to experience it with them. I am glad that my in laws are taking them, they need some fun and away from this mess, i am not upset or feel like my in laws are taking it away from me, but I feel like cancer has taken it away from me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, my husband is winning his battle, he is going to win, times are hard right now, but we will hear those words remission and this is all worth it.

I have so many worries at this time that many people can't understand. Others can't understand the decisions I make, why bring him home when I could leave him in the hospital and possibly work and not have to worry about the bills, well let me answer that for you, because I prefer him alive than the bills paid, We will make it, August will be rough, but than September will be better. Things from here on out may be more difficult than they should have been, but we will be ok and we will make it through.

I would rather be the supporter than the supported and that is hard for me. I am one of those weird people that enjoy watching everyone open their Christmas presents on Christmas, but hate to be the one to open a gift. I don't like to ask for or need help and I have had to swallow some pride and just say thank you during this journey and am so grateful to have a few people in my life that get that and can understand that it is hard for me and I am grateful, but I don't quite know how to express it or gracefully except it. I usually babble or change the subject. Just something else I suck at lol. I love you guys and you all know who you are, I don't have to call you out in a my blog post.

Oh and I am going to cook breakfast in the morning, I rarely cook breakfast, I am not good at it, I am not a big breakfast eater and I just don't typically do it, but since I am home and my kids are home and my husband is home I want a family breakfast so while i was crying through Kroger I got stuff to make breakfast in the morning, I have eggs left over from making brownies from the bake sale and never really use eggs so I need to cook them and that got me thinking about a family breakfast so this is going to go down in the morning, I am sure it will be more like a breakfast lunch lol, but it will have the same effect! I am looking forward to it and so are the kids, Ethan got super excited about it and Meredith said you bought breakfast for us to have in the morning lmao, I said no I am going to cook breakfast and she giggled and asked if she could help.

I have been typing this, facebooking with myself, nursing and watching a span of old shows, from gi joe, jem to family ties. Perhaps I am not as bad of a care taker as I let on, but he deserves better and the kids deserve better and I want to be better. I can't wait unitl morning so I can have breakfast with my family and hopefully talk and be like one of those tv families even if it is Roseann lol.

Before I go I would like to touch on Metal Fest 3, My family had a so much fun, just out in the open, no distractions, just each other, music, fishing, laughing and working hard. We teamed together to take care of dad also, to keep him cool and hydrated, we bonded as a family and that is something I would not trade for the world. We love each other. We enjoyed each other so much that weekend. We stunk, and we sweated, we were hot and we were hungry sometimes lol, but we just had fun with it, we didn't fight or snap at each other like we often do at home. I can't remember the last time we laughed so much together.

Also Our staycation was awesome, great family fun and bonding, maybe I don't need to be jealous, thought we may not be able to go to ocean we have made the best of our summer together and had some good times. Also we fell in love with our city all over again!!!


Ok babbling must come to an end, this had no purpose as usual, just to talk through my own issues with my self.

Have a good night, morning, or day, what ever time it is in your world right now!

Metal Fest 3 pictures!!!

Stefanie

Roller Coaster of Love hate discontent and fear........

    
This has defiantly been a roller coaster ride with ups, downs, twists, turns, and loopdeloops. Trust me it is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when your seat belt snaps and you have to hold on so tight your knuckles bleed just to keep from falling off! I know I use a lot of analogies, but  this is how I feel at the moment and I know there is someone who knows exactly that feeling I just described.

                                   

     This entry starts very similar to a few before, I am sitting here in the hospital watching him sleep listening to depressing music and trying to find my faith as well as really try to figure out the purpose of this roller coaster ride. I keep hearing that "everything happens for a reason" or "this will make you stronger". So there must be a lesson, a reason to this rhyme right? Michael thinks he has figured it out, but I am not so sure. His theory is that this has happened to him so he could find out some truths, his truths are that these feelings he has had his whole life that he was not loved, respected, wanted or equal are true, now if you ask me that is a shitty lesson! Here,  you can have this cancer with a side of shitty realizations to go along with it. His feelings are valid and I can see why he feels the way he does, but I don't believe this is the lesson to be learned. To be honest I don't think there is one.

     We have gotten a lot out of this journey, good and bad, and some that is yet to be determined. We have renewed our love and respect for each other, not that it was not there before, but it may have gotten a little lost in translation. Not taking each other for granted anymore, listening not just hearing, living in the moment, every moment because we don't know what the next one will hold. Instead of remembering the friendship and love and getting by on that we are defiantly living it again. I am grateful that we love each other so true, that is how we are making it, no doubt in my mind that is what has got us this far.

     We went to Gilda's for couple’s night Thursday; it was just great, the connection and the laughter! There were these cards on the table, date night conversation starter type cards, so we decided to play along and read the questions and answer them. One of the cards said something to effect of "what do you love most about... “I wish I had kept that card, but I didn't. He says to me that he loves that I love him, he says he never felt anyone truly loved him until me and he continues to go in to details giving me some examples of why he feels that way, I will keep those to myself as they are not my memories to share, but this should have made me feel good, but it hurt me for him, it made me sad that he has truly felt so unloved and unwanted in life. He said to me that the only reason he fights is because of me and the kids and if it was not for us he would have no reason to go to treatment or fight. Again, didn't make me feel good, I am glad he wants to live for us, but I want him to want to live for him! I knew he had hurt feelings and had dealt with a lot of feeling through out his life, before me, and since me, but I didn't realize how deep some of these cuts are and so much more makes sense to me about his feelings and how stubborn he is being about some issues. I am glad I understand more, but I hurt more for him, the pain in his eyes is greater than it has ever been. He feels so betrayed, invisible and disappointed, just plain hurt and I can not take that away. No one can, this roller coaster has changed him more than many people realize, and I don't think he will ever forgive, forget, or find peace in peoples actions and feelings that arose in him because of those actions.

     It is hard to find the positive in what he is going through emotionally, but I try, we try, we talk and we try. He feels stronger, he feels like he has found his voice in a family and world that has over looked his voice, they heard him in the past, it is hard not to, he is loud, but they never really listened to him and he finally feels he has made them listen to him, and he thought that this would mend some relationships and things would change once he was heard, but that is not the case and it is no longer what he wants. My husband is hard to get to know, he don't let many people in his heart, he don't let many people get to know him, really know him, I think I may honestly be one of the only people and perhaps Goi, who know who he is and can feel the person he really is. This is why I fell in love with him because I was able to get to know him, the amazing person he is, the humor, the love, the hurt, it is all who he is, but what most people get is the hurt, he protects him self from relationships that can hurt him, I get it. This is one reason I love that we found Gilda’s; he lets him self be him when we are there and he allows himself to connect with others. I never thought that would happen, but I am glad it has. I think part of the reason this experiment worked is because he found his voice, he has accepted that just because the people he wanted to listen didn't respond don't mean no one will. I am not sure what the point is to my rambling once again on this issue with my husband, but it is stuff on my mind and I am writer so I write and he will read and I think he will see that I get it even though I am not good at speaking it. Michael you are growing as a person because you feel free to do so, let it happen and don't fight it. The past is just that. I love you asshole!

     Another thing he said to me regarding the same card and same question was that he loved how strong I was and how he wishes he was as strong as I am. He said that with everything I have been through in my life and with my family that I am strong and have been able to figure it out and make it work and still be strong. First of all my love YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I told you that and you said "you may be right" , no I am right. You are fighting the fight of your life, found your voice and still manage to make me feel like the most loved wife in the world. You are stronger than you have ever been! Second, I am not as strong as I appear, I am good at appearing to be strong, see pervious blog entries and I explain this. I know I am strong enough, but not as strong as you think I am or even as strong as I want to be. Just know that it is a work in progress and the only difference is that 1. I started my work before you did and 2. I am better at hiding my feelings and that, my love, is not a good attribute.

     I have been told that we have so much on our plates and we are handling it so well, I agree that we do have a lot on our plates, but I am sure if we are handling it all well. I try, but I just can't, hold it all together. The reality is that we may lose our house, I have been going nuts trying to keep it, but it is coming to a point where I have to choose between the payments or his treatments and I choose his life and no matter how you put it or rationalize it or deny the truth of the situation we are in, I will always choose his life. Than again what have I been trying to hold on to, is it really ours, nothing in our life has been for quite some time and we have just pretended things were different. We allowed control of our lives because we didn't see an alternative, we thought that it was love, but that is not love. It is easy for a person to say "you have to", but it is a lot harder to be the person who can not do it all alone. Medications, appointments, co pays, food, gas, house hold goods and so on and so forth all the while he needs me, work is no longer the priority, keeping him alive and well and healthy is and I can not do those things and maintain the income we need, even if I didn't have to miss a day work, the income would still not be there for it all, I can not change that and these are just some financial truths I have to admit, no matter how many times I say " I will figure it out" or "I will make it work" I can not, no matter how much I want to. The last couple years have sucked, my health has been shit and I have worked hard to turn that around and I am doing it, the economy has been shit and we have fought and managed to keep what some others were not able to maintain, we maintained with out totally sacrificing our children’s child hood and I don't care who disagrees with that! Have your own families before you judge mine and even than, just saying " I would do this or that" is just saying, you don't know what you would do, I didn't know what I would do and still don't know tomorrow what I will do when things come up! We were struggling and it may be easier to pretend that is not the case. Also you failed to realize that in this current situation, out of the current people who "know best" we were the only ones raising a family amongst the health issues and economy and than just when we saw the light at the end of the tunnel, just when mike got on state and finances started to get better, and just when we started to turn our health around, and just when we finally started to feel that we were going to make it and we didn't have to feel LESS THAN ALL OF YOU ALL ANYMORE, he gets cancer, because the universe thinks that we need a little more and NONE OF YOU KNOW OR CARE WHAT EFFECTS THAT REALLY HAS ON A FAMILY! I am sorry I guess I am pissed at the lack of support and understanding and willingness to do the right thing. I am pissed that despite all my efforts I am failing, but at some of the less important things in my opinion, I may not be able to pay every bill, but I have kept, my husband and kids emotionally and physically sound, that is until other people think they have the right to mess it up. I miss work, I stay up nights, I go to appointments every day to make sure that my children have a father and that my best friend is healthy and has every chance to win the battle of our life. I am pissed that no matter how hard I try, that peoples actions and lies can land him in this bed, sick and having to fight harder, the same people who said to me that "stress is cancer's enemy" yet they pile it on, because what they might or might not get or have, or the control they desire is more important. Just know this I am fighting for the right reasons so I will come out on top. We love the home we have built and I hate for my children to lose that with everything else we have been through, but believe this, no matter what our home will be where we are and our love will over come the HURT. I didn't realize I was so pissed; I have been trying to hard to keep him from being so upset and trying to keep it from affecting his health that I have not expressed my feelings. This is just the financial stress and it is not even the most stressful in our lives so think on that one. At 23 we thought we had a bright future at our fingertips and I am sorry that you feel we made promises we could not keep, we didn't know the future no more than you did. You need to admit though, you made much bigger promises that you have not kept, the promise to love unconditionally, the promise to support, the promise to always be there, these are promises we make to our children and those were never fulfilled. We take responsibility for all we have done, but we were growing up and that is what we were supposed to do, make mistakes and learn and grow, what is your excuse! 
  
     Also insulting my parenting on face book and yes I hear about it, it is laughable, let’s see how well you parent, you can't even handle being an aunt and the responsibilities that comes along with that so let’s see how well you do at parenting! FedEx is after all heartfelt and loving! It is that personal touch the kids need during the hardest months in there young lives to date. I mean it was more than expected since Valentines Day is not a required occasion to acknowledge the children exist, it was not a birthday or Christmas so I guess it is a step up, if that is what you want to call it. It is easy to accuse and assume things when you are not around to know the situation or the other side and you are not the one having to figure out what is the right thing to do. You are not the one with the internal struggle for what is best and that struggle of trying to sort out their feelings, your feelings, and the harm that is being done by all the negativity. Let me call you names, lie about you, refuse to support you when you need me. Let me tell your children half truths about you when I am hurt or mad and than turn them back over to me the next time I am mad. Oh never mind, YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN, so you could not possibly understand the turmoil that is parenting and trying to make the right decisions and not always knowing what is the best decision. I am going to use a potty mouth now, but I am thinking it so I may as well say it because I am tired of holding my feelings in! Who the fuck do you think you are!?! Why the hell do you have a horse in this race!?! What gives you the right to pass judgment on me!?! Saying my children are pawns, BULLSHIT, I have been there mother everyday for their whole life! I have parented them and I have done a DAMN good job weather you think so or not!!!!!

     The rest of you have been part time fixtures and givers of material gifts and that is the extent of it. Even the ones who were there in the early years of their lives and I don't have to point fingers for you to know who you are, the guilt is there, you found your own life that didn't include them and that has been the case for the last couple years until daddy got sick and than you wanted to swoop in and play grandparents of the year! It is easier to throw some money their way than it is to be there, it is easier to control a person’s life than it is to teach them to control their own life, and it is easier to push a person down than it is to hold them up when they need it. I am not saying that the help we have gotten was not appreciated, I am not saying that we didn't take it when offered, but we accepted it because we thought at the time it was coming from a place of love and understanding, not a place of judgment and control. We showed our gratitude by love, including you in our lives, telling you thank you, doing things when we could to show we thought of you! It was not good enough and obviously neither was we! 

     We have stood on our own 2 feet for many years now, we have struggled, but we have came a long way and I don't care what people say or the lies they tell we know the truth! And so do the people close to us, the ones who really know us, and the ones who have been around us, spent time with us, and know our hearts! Brining up things from years ago I mean really, we must be doing things right if you have to rely on mistakes that are 5 years old or older is all I can say! 

I put people before my own family that were not worthy! I thought they loved me and my son as though we were family and I was wrong, you included us, but you didn't love us and the truth comes out at the worst possible time. I was a fool to believe you and to be ashamed of my own family because you made me feel that they were not good enough. My family has issues, I know, but so does yours and much bigger ones. I expected things to go much different, I expected you to be there and expected my own blood, my own family to hurt me and I got the opposite and that has changed how I feel and it makes me sad that I gave you more credit than you deserved. 

This is MY blog and it is my therapy. I have been holding a lot in, I have not expressed these feelings to my husband, my mother, my sister, I have only expressed these to one person whom I will not name, but just know that this person and I are in a 2 person club who know what it feels like to not be accepted, but person I know you are reading this and I feel this way, I would rather be an outsider than part of something so wrong.  

If you are reading this and I pissed you off than good! I have been pissed off for quite some time, glad to have some company. If you got pissed off than it is because you fucked up, not me! Sorry Christian friends, there goes that mouth again, but I need to let it out and I think god understands that!

You know the saying, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on, well piss on you too, I am not sure which is better, but you deserve the best!

Peace out!