Am I talking to you?

Unbreakable 

I can't sleep so why not type, it may help! I can't get past the fact that he is still feeling so bad even though his counts are stabilizing, it makes me feel uneasy. PT never showed up either, I hope to see them today. Not sure who all reads this page, but I want to put this out there. Michael does now and will always come first before feelings getting hurt because people can't see past their own selfish train of thought. My children and my husband are where my obligation and loyalty lie. My children need to have him around just as I do. I love him enough to put myself last, I love him enough to look past his pain and his hurt to see the scared man he is. The fact that I am trying so hard to build him up and get him well and others are putting their feelings first and their own agenda's before MY FAMILY is not ok. I have tired to make peace and I have tired to heal, but I am not going to continue to be a punching bag or allow him to continue to be a punching bag because there are those who can not come to terms with their own guilt and still need someone to blame. When the BS don't stop it is hard for me to keep making excuses for you, you tear me down and I build you up to him because I thought that was what was best for him, but right now I am not sure I was right. He is fighting hard and for the same people to still be fighting him and taking his energy away from getting better, well tells me that nothing was learned. I try and try to help, I try and try to give advice on what he needs, yet he still comes second. I am hurting and I can't sleep because I see what you are doing to him, I can take it, go head punch me, I don't feel it anymore, but I seen that he shut down today and I need his head in the game. He is sick, he still has a long battle ahead of him, it is not over. I may always hurt over this for what it has done to my husband and for the loss I feel, there are things I will never understand and I have to stop trying. I can't understand how I am expected to comfort those who hurt me, why do I feel compassion when none is felt for me. I don't want to feel for people who are so careless with the life I hold so dear. I want to be strong enough to say I don't care. 

Michael said early on ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and he was right, and the actions continue to speak. There are few who we felt his energy should be used on, energy that he needs to fight, I thought perhaps if he spent that energy it would bring healing and it would give him some positive energy to replace the hurt and that would make up for that spent energy.  Again I was wrong. 

I could call out names, or I could be disrespectful and just say exactly what is on my mind, but I am above that. I have chosen to be above it the whole time. As I was attacked unfairly and lies spread about me and my family, I didn't waste my energy on you, I put him first, instead of putting my feelings first and wasting my energy on you I put him first and I put that energy in to him. Perhaps if your energy was there putting him before yourself, than you would not be holding so much guilt. I know I keep saying "you" and I am not talking to "one" you, there are many of "you" and if you are reading this and feeling guilty I am talking to you, If you are reading this and feeling angry at me or him I am talking to you, if you are on the phone reading this back and forth and talking about how right you are and how wrong he is or I am than I am talking to you.  If you decided that your friends or your social life or your time was more valuable than him I am talking to you. If you are angry that he has support from others in his life instead of glad he is not alone, I am talking to you!  If you put yourself before others when they need you most I AM TALKING TO YOU. Even if you have nothing to do with my personal situation and you are or have done these things I AM TALKING TO YOU!! 

I am not talking about you, I am not talking at you as many of you like to do, and I am not talking behind your back which is another favorite of yours. I am talking to you! 

The blog entry is not endorsed my Michael Thomas as his thoughts and feelings are not endorsed my me, they are supported though and if you can't figure out the difference between support and brain washing than I know I should not have to finish this sentence, but since you are hard headed I am going to I AM TALKING TO YOU!!! 

As he fights, he takes this poison in every day and absorbs it, and this time I am talking about the chemo when I say poison, not you! You go on living your life, I am sure you stop to think of him usually because something reminds you that you are being an ass. I am sure you miss him, when you are not busy with your life. I know you love him; just too bad you love your self more. He fights for me and his children and we fight back for him, perhaps if you were fighting for him he would be fighting back for you and the more people has to fight back for the harder he might fight. When you say it is to hot or to cold or your to tired or it’s to late, or you have plans when he needs you than you expect him to endure so much to live, your life don't depend on others or you might think differently. He has to trust right now. He has to trust his doctors, he has to trust me, he has to trust his body, he has to trust his self, he has to trust god. It is hard to trust when feel scared and insecure as he does and YOU make him not trust you, I didn't do that and he didn't do that. Some of you checked out on him long before he got sick, some of you think you were there, but chose another life just a few years before he got sick. Some of you believe you made our family, but we made our family. One of you he is not ready to give up on and he loves you very much and I know you know who you are and just so it won't get messed up I will call that name out Stephanie your brother loves you so much and he called you today because he is scared of losing you again, He don't want you to chose or be in the middle of anything, he just wants you to be his little sister and fight with him and you should be allowed to do that with out being put in the middle by anyone, no one should expect you to break your bond with him because they chose not to have one and they should not look at you as their "in", they are their own "in" so to speak and you were your own "in" and they chose to throw it away. You chose to allow you’re self to see past the bull shit and see we need you and you need us. We don't want all of you, just a part of you. Just know that no matter what, no matter how hurt or angry he is Michael loves you so much and as long as you can accept how he feels he can accept how you feel, you don't have to agree, you just have to put his feeling first when you are with him because he needs you. 

I am a good mother, I am good wife, I am a good provider and I am good person and I don't need anyone else to validate that, Michael validates that. If you don't like me, who cares I can live with that, but if you can't respect me than don't expect me to keep pretending. 

I am putting this out there because righting it what I do and I feel like it is my turn to be heard. I don't want anything in return, no response, any apology or grief. I just want you to let him be and if you are needed and want to help I will accept because that is what is best for him, we need help with the kids, with bills and medications to keep him alive, I need those who have not completely pushed him out of their lives to show up and be there for him when he is begging for attention and when he is alone. I don't need anyone telling me about his condition or what is best for him medically, I got that and I have kept him alive this long, give me some credit, I deserve it. I don't need anyone criticizing me for being with him when he needs me. I am not lazy, I have always worked, whether I worked to support my family or the 2 years I worked as a house wife and mother because that it what my family needed. You don't know why we have made our choices because you chose not to be part of our lives until he got sick. I work when I can and lazy, shit, do any of you know how much harder this job is? Perhaps had anyone else been willing to step up to the plate 10 months ago to really be there and be involved I could depend on you to step in so I could be more places I need to be, but you chose differently and that can not be undone and no one can catch up now.

When my bank account is 0 because I spend my money on bills and kids and medications and you tell him that you only have 300 in the bank and make him feel bad for needing a 10 dollar prescription, or when you tell him he only calls when he needs something, or you tell me that I should be able to provide better that is not help. Than in the same breath you say let us help, well do you want to help or do you want him to feel guilty for needing help. Do you want to help or do you want to make your self feel better. How many of you have picked up the kids on a regular, how many have asked if the kids had food on a regular, how many have asked me if  I needed a shoulder, just once when you were having your girls days out did you ever think, I bet Stefanie could use a break like this? No and I can live with that even though it makes me feel hurt, but again this is not about me, so let me ask, how many of you have stopped by when Michael was sitting home alone all day, and how many of you have brought Michael food when he was to weak to feed himself, how many of you took him out to lunch or a movie, how many of you called him just to talk about anything except cancer, how many of you took him to a ball game when he wanted to go, how many of you had the time, but had something better to do. There are enough people in this family with days off through the week and who are retired and who can afford to take an early day to get hair done, so he should never have to feel alone, but he does. He has begged for companion ship, I have emailed and begged for him. So let me use some names again and answer to you who has made that time for him and than you ask me why they come first to him and why he asks for them instead of you, Those people who put him first and didn't have to were Janet Rich, Jim Rich, Tami Schott, Lilia Rodriguez, Kimberly Etherton, Lisa Neal, Kevin Etherton, Carin Jett even during her toughest times, Mary Sanders, Sue Wyatt, Nelda Carman, Walter Brock, Janna Baldridge, Brittany Etherton, Andrew Pettit, Dan Torres (who has made it possible for me to be there)  Many Many people from his wellness group and my friends and family group at Gilda's I won't name you all because I will leave someone out and most recently Stephanie Mallory. I may have left someone out and I didn't do it on purpose, I have not yet been to bed at it is 7:16 am, so I am not as sharp and I could be, but if you have to ask "was I a person she left out" NO I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. 

I will close this with something I raise my children by; Life is about choices and living with those choices. I love you all, but sometimes loving someone from a distance is the only way you can love them. Like my own mother, I love her, I think of her and I miss her, but I have to love her from a distance. 

Again this was a public service announcement by Stefanie Gail Thomas and in no way shape for form is this Michael's words, I have a suspicion he will agree, but I have spent a long time relaying messages for him and being hated for it, at least this way you can hate me for my own message. 

The loss is great that I feel for some that just won't let me help, for others I feel nothing. 

If you made it to the end of this entry go take a Xanax, Michael has to take one every time he gets to the end of your shit so it is ok!