If it is what it is then make it good!

Several times over the last few months I have wanted to blog, I just don't anymore because I get to much back lash for sharing my feelings and life experience. I was thinking about this today and don't understand why it was OK for me live some of the things I have in my life, but not OK for me to talk about them or to have the people who contributed or watch read them. I mean if I can survive it then you can own it and love me for being able to talk about it and move past it. The past is not the present or future it is simply the things that allow us become the present and the future, good or bad!

I love my mom dearly and anyone who knows me knows that, but I can't deny my childhood and I will leave it at that.

Nothing I particularly want to blog about early this am, I am just unable to sleep and tired of being afraid of my own blog, life is about choices and I will not be offended if anyone chooses  not to read my random spouts of self therapy.

Michael is doing OK, not horrible, not great, but OK. We are still waiting for some test to be done at the end of the month or beginning of next. The cancer seems to still be behaving however it seems there may be come serious effects going on from the treatment to get and keep him there and those effects are really taking a toll on him mentally and my myself as well. It is hard to see someone you love so much struggle, it is equally hard to not be able to help or offer a solution. There is more I could say about cancer, medications and health over all, but if you are someone we want to share that with and are on facebook then you know where to find that information, if you are not on facebook and fit in to that category you can send me an email at sthomas4803@gmail.com and I can email you those updates.

We both have a lot to celebrate in our lives as well and have gotten to a point that we are more able to focus on moving forward and putting our energy in on things and people who deserve that energy and are positive in our lives.

Since we have decided to live our life and go on as we know everything will be OK instead of focusing on what could go wrong or might happen or the people who wanted to pull us down, well our lives have greatly improved. The quality of life for my family as whole is much better, we have a car we can depend on, a house to rent that we feel good about and our landlord is wonderful and a saint compared to what we were dealing with.

We are rebuilding and living in the moment at the same time, we enjoy life a lot more in the last few months, we no longer feel judged and less then other people. We are no longer allowing people to make us feel like we are not deserving or smart or capable because we are and the best way to give those people the finger is to show the world that we can and will get through this intact despite efforts to keep us down. The best way to fight the ignorance and drama is to eliminate it and it only took us 31 years to figure that out.

In that process we have reestablished relationships that we lost and made new wonderful ones and that is joyous!

We have found our laughter again, the kind of joyful loving laughter, not sleep deprived just getting through laughter.

With 2 funerals and reflection this week Mike and I have both had our moments, but we are working though them. I am glad I got to spend some quality time with my Uncle Ray before he passed on Sunday, but I am regretting all the time I didn't get to spend with him. Losing him has made me relive the feelings and fears I had and have about losing Michael. They have also made me want to spend more time my grandpa, Ralph means the world to me and not sure that he knows just what he means to me. He has been my father, my grandpa, my male role model and was the only man in my life that ever made me feel wanted and loved besides my husband. I enjoyed greatly having breakfast with him and laughing before Uncle Ray's funeral that morning has replayed over and over in my head since. I am not good at being there when I know I should be because I don't know what to do. My aunt Lisa is so good at taking care of Ma and Pa and I am so thankful they have her, I want to be there also, but I just don't feel I fit in to that role and I want to, if you read this Aunt Lisa and Grandma I love you all and I would be honored if you would give me some direction is what I can do to help out.



I think we have settled in to our new lives well, the kids are doing great and seem so much happier and less stressed out! I love seeing them settle back in to life and not worrying so much. Michael and the kids are closer then they ever have been before or after cancer, they spend a lot of time together and even tonight, Meredith was feeling bad and she wanted daddy to take her to immediate care, it made me sad and glad at the same time. She has strep throat but she is fine, been sleeping since she got back, took her anti biotic's and Tylenol. I am sure she will be feeling better tomorrow.

There are things I could complain about tonight, but I chose to live for the things that make me happy! I have always taught the kids that life is about choices so it is time that I take my own advice. I have been doing that and I am much better for it! Also things seem to be just working better this way.

Cherish what you have no matter how hard things get!