If I was a WIZARD

Eyes filled with tears, sitting across the kitchen table in his striped button up shirt and trademark fedora "I wish I had magic powers and could shoot magic in to daddy and make him all better, but I know that can't happen" these were the words of my 12 year old son as he starts to talk to me about his dads illness this evening. He tells me how he don't understand how the medications are making his dad so sick and that he thought medicine was supposed to make you better. He goes on to tell me that he had a bad dream and is afraid that it will be real "I dreamed that dad was getting chemo and he just passed out on the floor and died". His eyes welled up with tears as he expressed to me the weight of the fears he is carrying. "I see dad so sick a lot and I am afraid he will die, I don't want my dad to die" He tells me that he is scared his dad will get hurt because he needs a wheel chair. "I have seen dad fall down". He expresses that he loves his daddy and he don't want to go have fun if his dad can't fun with him. He misses the days when they could wrestle and go bowling. This just turned 12 year old little man who has had to endure more than most adults asks me if he can get a job and help me take care of dad, he tells me that he is afraid that if President Obama don't get re-elected that his dad won't have the insurance he needs and he wants to help me pay for his dads medications. I am heart broken that they will not have a good Christmas this year because I can not give them what I would like and he is worried about his dad not having medication and dying. Talk about perspective!

Below are pictures that Ethan drew for me in his new picture journal one is of how he see's cancer, it is the awareness ribbon draw as a devil and the second is of his dream that he had.

WHAT CANCER LOOKS LIKE TO ETHAN

ETHAN'S DREAM

Meredith sits puffed up at the table, joining the conversation nearing the end, I asked her if she had anything she would like to talk to about. She tells me NO! in a very stern manor, but with hurt behind it. I didn't want to push her, but I did tell her that it was ok if she wanted to talk and tell us how she was feeling or if she was carrying any fears. As she fights back fears she crosses her arms as to get her point across and tells me that she does not want to talk about it.

Once the conversation is over, hugs have been given, tears have been wiped and explanations to questions have been answered to try and ease the minds of the little people who know and carry so much despite the efforts to try to keep the fears and worry from them. I have them go take their showers and prepare for bed, this is when Ethan drew his pictures when he was in bed. Meredith comes in here and says "mom I need to tell you something, but I don't want Ethan to hear me" We secure the perimeter and assure he can't hear and she says to me "I have known since you told me that dad cancer that he could get another cancer and he could die" I just looked at her, not sure what answer she was wanting from me and waiting to see if there was more she needed to add. she then prompting me to confirm her statement said "well I am right aren't I" I explained to her that yes it could happen but if we spent our days worrying about all the things that could happen then we would miss all the good things that are happening. She told me that she guessed I was right, but how can she be happy when things are so scary. I told her that we just have to work at it together every day and make lots of good memories to last us a life time and that I believed that we would have a life time to make those memories. She gave me a big hug and went to bed.

I am not sure why these conversations came up this evening, I think maybe because we went to Gilda's and some emotions came up and also Michael was gone to the movies tonight instead of with us at Gilda's and when we got home all those emotions were there in a house with out dad and they felt like it was a good time to talk to me and for dad not to hear them. It is hard for the kids to open up for the same reasons it is for us adults to open up. If we speak it than it may just be real, if we admit our fears they could come true.

It has been a hard week, I won't deny that, but we have tried to carry that burden ourselves, the kids even spent the weekend with my mother so we could have the time we needed to get the emotions of the new worries we have. By the time we got home from Gilda's tonight I felt drained, not from Gilda's but the from the accumulation of the week, then talking about it, knowing I have to go back to work tomorrow when I am not sure I am want to face people or answer any more questions, Meredith throwing a fit in the car and acting out or reacting to feelings. I didn't think I had anything left in me to give until my kids needed me and at that moment I could have went all night comforting them, listening to them and doing everything in my power to make it better.

As I finish this entry Michael is in Ethan's room talking to him, When Michael got home I didn't tell Michael the conversation that I had with Ethan, I just told him that he needed to put on the dad hat and go give his son hug, I hear tears and I love you coming from both of my men and I hear comfort and encouragement from dad for Ethan not to hold in his feelings. I hear him explaining why his body is weak and hear a dad telling his son that he is not leaving him willingly, not in those words, but the point was there.

Now he is off to Meredith's room to tuck her in and tell her good night! She is already asleep!

No matter my fears or my struggles the most unfair is those of my babies who just want to feel safe again. 

Back in a flash: The stories go on



Making Memories at home <3

It is almost 3 in the morning and I should be in bed next Michael sleeping, but I am not evidently so here we go. I am not even sure what I am writing about or what I want to say. I know I missed my blog, I have missed having this therapy for me and should have not let the fear of others interpretation or their issues deter me from what I love and what helps me so I have decided to start again. This blog was started when Michael got sick, but I had been wanting to do it long before and just never did. With that being said this blog is not just about cancer though most of the entries are about that very subject. Most of all I love to write and it does me good emotionally and mentally and that in turn helps me physically, so it is kinds like going to the doctor only I don't get a bill!          

 

One thing that is on my mind lately is my mother and no grandma you don't have stop reading at this point or call me to tell me I was mean! My mom and I have had a rocky relationship to say to the least, I had a lot of hurt from growing up and I struggled with wanting a relationship with her that just was not there and I was angry!!! At 31, I mean 26 ;) years old I can finally say I am no longer angry at her or hurt. I love my mom so much and I wasted so many years guarding my self from her that I didn't allow our relationship to grow, I can now take that blame on my self when I could not before. I was unable to leave the past behind where it should have stayed, I am a mom of 2 amazing children and I know that I am not perfect, I hope that I am better than my mother and I don't say that to hurt her, but that is the purpose right, for us to be better parents then ours and I hope that my kids are better parents than I am (though that is a tall glass to fill) HA! Just kidding about that last part. In a family where there are unhealthy cycles the only way to change the generations to come is to break the cycles and I feel like I have put a good dent in that, but there is still work to be done and I have faith that my kids will continue the healing and change of our family cycle. Over the last 2 years that Michael has been sick, I have been dealing with a lot and one of those things was trying to figure out my relationship with my mom, I have blogged about it before and got a lot of heat for it, nothing I said was untrue and it was how I feel so I am not sorry for it, but I am sorry if it hurt her, when I started that entry I was angry at her, but I was also trying to work through the things that I was angry at so I could move past them, some people don't get that because they are not me and don't process and heal like I do. I have arrived though and I can say that my mom is more valuable to me then I ever knew. She has done so much for me and my family in last 2 years, I can't even put in to words, she has helped me financially, she was the first one to get a prescription I couldn't afford or put gas in my car even though she struggles so much her self. She has helped out with my kids, been there when I needed a sitter, when I needed a break and when I wanted to choke them lol. My mom was the best mom she knew how to be and I can not only accept that, but appreciate it. I don't tell her enough how much having her means to me, I want to, but I am not good at telling, I am better at writing so I hope she reads this!! Mom thank you for everything! I realized last week when some major issues with Michael's health came up because I was able to accept my part in our broken relationship in turn our relationship has changed and grew. I have never been one to go either of my parents to talk about serious things like fear or life or asked for advice. There are reasons for that, but they are no longer important. When Michal's medical issues came up last week I did something I have never done, I drove to my moms house and I talked to her, I cried, asked her for advice. Now she is still mom so some of it was frustrating lol, but it was good. I felt like I had a mom which is something I always had, but wasn't able to accept. I never thought the first place I would go with something that heavy was my mom, but it was not a choice or even a thought of who do I talk to I just drove there and sat down and started talking. My mom and I think this is natural for a parent and I can appreciate this now because I am one, but she wants to fix things. I sometimes struggle talking to her now not because of anger and hurt but because I don't want to Burden her and I don't want her to think she needs to fix things or I want something from her just because I talk to her. I am still working on that with her, but since she is my mom I don't think that will change and that is ok. I think I am and will be the same with my kids, when they have a need or a hurt or a fear I will always want to fix it. Anyways I hope this came across the way I wanted it to, positive and an expression of my appreciation for the growth in my relationship with my mother and also me taking responsibility for my part of the break in our relationship. We call her the crazy lady, because she is crazy, but in a good way! I love ya Mommy Dearest!

 

I know some of you are wondering about what it was I talked to my mom about, well none ya business! Ok that was harsh and said out the selfish kindness of my heart. When we have the answers and we are ready to share and know what to share we will. There is unknowns and will be for always, but the tests will determine how we move forward, some decisions have been made some still have to be made and I have said it in Michael's group. I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst and I know that most of the stress will be for no good reason other than life sucks that way sometimes. I will leave that issue there for know and hope the 3 of you who actually read this blog understand lol.

 

There is some other things I would like to share if you have not quit reading yet, I often go on and on and lose 2 out of 3 of my readers before I get to an end, but this is for me and I share it because I like to share my writing and I hope that it may benefit someone some day who struggles with life, let me be the lab rat of life and how not to do things, I am honored to be a tab bit nuts in order to improve your lives, umm yeah not really but why not!

 

The last year man, it has been a ride, so many changes, but good changes for the most part. Even though they have been good changes don't mean they have been easy. We have grown so much as a family and are really becoming an amazing family, there was time that I thought things were just going to fall apart and it was going to be all my fault. Some days I still feel that way, but that is natural being the control freak of a anxiety ridden insomniac that is me! Much to my surprise however we have not fallen apart. My kids are in a better place emotionally then they have been in years, there is still work to be done but the difference is amazing to me. They are in regular consistent therapy that works good because it is family therapy, but in a unique way, the kids have their therapy, Mike and I have ours and it all works out together, some times we work together as a family, sometimes Mike and I work on things, most of the time the kids work on things and it all intertwines and is working well. Therapy has helped a lot, but the bond we have is where it all really comes from. We have bent, but not broken!!! There is people who have tried to break us and lord know cancer has tried but we are unbreakable, I have said before that we are unbreakable but I am not sure I believed it. I do now, I have seen it unfold over the last few years in to something amazing and I know as we continue to grow and bend we will get stronger. I enjoy my family so much, even the cleaning up after them, running around, back talking, duct tape and Velcro part of them, all of them Michael included. Well maybe not the cleaning up part because I think now that he has settled nicely in to his house wife role he picks up after me more than I pick up after him lol. I mean I do the cleaning because no one can clean to calm my insane anxiety, but he does a good job at keeping things up around here, I don't think he does it because wants to, but because he is afraid of the anxiety beast, I need to give her a name, I am open to suggestions! We rock harder then Mick Jagger in leather pants and often smell like Jagger in leather pants. 

 

The move was hard at first on the kids and I, Michael, I don't think that part was ever hard for him except the packing and unpacking, he does not feel the emotional ties to the old house as the kids and I did. I am not sure why, I can only speculate, but I think leaving there made him feel more in control of his own life and when he left he was not leaving good memories because they had been tainted with some harsh reality that he had to face. Meredith and Ethan adjusted well and fast, there was still some sentimental moments when it was hard for them to accept leaving the memories, but once they realized the memories was in them it was easier, they had a lot of fear there and the last year we were there was not filled with good memories. It has gotten to a point now where they have asked us not take them to the old house, we still have to check mail and check on the place since the bank is taking their sweet time taking the damn thing, but we honor their wishes and don't go when they are with us. I am not elaborating on a lot of things on this topic because it is just not worth the stress to elaborate if you are close to us then you know, if you are not then well you don't really need to. The kids have made a lot of friends at their new home and enjoy playing and making memories. Meredith will tell me all the time about the memories she is making, Ethan he just loves having boys to play with who accept him. They both have a best friend in the neighborhood and ironically enough it is the same kid, he has become part of our family is many ways. We have neighbors we like that are friendly and good to our kids, we lived in Lynnview for like 8 years and never had that. The peeps next to us are wonderful and caring and fun! For me, it was hard at first, I didn't want to move, I had to hide that from the kids and even Michael. I expressed to Michael how hard it was for me and he never really got it, but I couldn't be emotional about it I had to just be a solider. For me though it was where I had raised my kids to this point, where Meredith learned to walk and talk and color on the walls, where Ethan learned to ride a bike and broke the window after sneaking the baseball out of his closet. It was where we had colored all our Easter eggs and built jabba the snow blob. It was where stories were read and movies were watched, it was where pumpkins were carved and firsts happened. It was where they both started their first day of school, all of this was true, but I truly feel more at home here in our little rental. I feel safer and happier and more secure. Michael and I have a heavy weight lifted off of us and that has made a difference. And just as I taught the kids, all those memories are in me not at that house and now that it has been almost a year we have made some new amazing memories and we have laughed a lot more. And having a hallway that is tile instead of carpet, ha! even the cat has made some new memories there, drop a Q tip and watch her go! She will take of running after god knows what some times and just crash in to Meredith's room lol.

 

Meredith really likes her new school, she has really grown in to her own person there, she is on student council, just last week she won the story book pumpkin decorating contest and an essay contest. She has made new friends and has said that going to school where people didn't know her history with cancer has helped her be more than cancer, she shares when she wants, but it is no longer her whole identity at school like it was last year. She is in the advanced program and is on honor roll for the first report card, umm and I still owe her the 20 bucks for that lol. Meredith has always struggled with self confidence, but we can see her growing in to her own skin, she is more confident and out going and doesn't any longer feel like she has to be in a box that someone put her in or has to be who someone else expects her to be. We are still working on body image issues from years of being made to feel that she was to fat or not the beautiful girl she is, but we are making progress on that and it will come in time.  Michael and I never put her in that box and now that we are allowed to be her parents she is able to grow in to herself and I love who she is and who she is becoming, she told me in therapy a couple months ago that she wishes she could be more like me because she loves how accepting and tolerant I am. She don't have pressure or feel like she needs to be like me, but she has taken some of my views and passions on as her own and I love that she has. She is her own little advocate for equality even if she pronounces it as equal tea lol. She is a passionate little girl and I know she will do great things in this world and I think that the changes we have made in our lives and the obstacles we have over come have given her the freedom to own that person she is becoming!

 

Ethan, my little dancing man, he likes parts of his new school but is not sold on middle school! This change was going to happen if we moved or not, but he is adjusting! I don't care for his teacher and am going to look in to getting him moved on Monday, but besides that he is also making friends at school, he has had to contend with some assholes being in the ece class and being different but dad and I have got his back, Michael even went to the school and bullied some kids for him lol. We have got that under control now and that has helped his adjustment a lot. I am also working with the school psychologist to help find ways to help him learn and I think we are making some strides in that department. When I refer to Ethan as different I don't want that to sound negative, I mean that in a good way, he is different, he is awesome and I love that he is not like anyone else or feels like he has to be like anyone else to fit in. He is one of the coolest kids I have ever met!!! Different is not a bad thing, I am different, Michael is and Meredith is. We are all different in our own way and that is what makes us work so well. My little Buddha man always puts a smile on my face when it has been a hard day, he is getting that teenage mouth and attitude about him, but he is still the funny, caring, lovable little guy that used sleep with me every night and pinch my lips until I looked like Cindy Crawford lol. He has made A LOT of friends, just today while he has been at moms I though I was going to have to hang a sign on the door that read "Ethan is at his grandmas please try again tomorrow" It was a different kid knocking on the door every 5 minutes! "Can Ethan play" no "Is Ethan's sister home" lmao, he is the cool kid and Meredith is merely his sister and will do if he is not here to play. She has her friends also, but mostly she hangs out with her brother and shares his friends. He is outgoing and willing to put himself out there and that draws people to him. He has grown a lot since we moved, there is more kids in this neighborhood for him to play with and he is the boss hog! They all gather on the porch and he calls the shots lol. He gets out and dances and draws fans off the streets lol, he will come in all the time with a dollar because someone gave it to him for dancing. There was a party down the street one night and they had the music loud and he was out on the side walk dancing and the party came to him and was watching him and invited him to come and "perform" at there family talent show, he got candy for his performance lol.

 

So as you can see we bent and didn't break, something hard turned into something great! It is scary as parents to make decisions that impact the family in such drastic ways and the fear of making the wrong decision is heavy. I was worried, Michael and I had to really do some soul searching and put a lot of our heart in to making decisions and figuring out how to make this family whole again. We were in crisis mode and that is no way to live. I am not going to pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbow, you ALL know me better than that, but we are getting through each obstacle, I just wish we could get to a point where there were no more big obstacles. I envy those who have the normal things to over come, because we have those and so much more! I think we are stronger because of what we are going through despite the great sacrifices the 4 of us have had to make. We have some wonderful people in our lives that we may not have met if we were not dealt this hand, but I can't say that it has been worth it because we have given up so much. I would like to think that we would have got here with out these hardships, fears and struggles but I don't know. I like who we are better, but I liked us before so I would trade all the growth for Michael's health and I don't think that cancer is a blessing and I could live not knowing what I do know if it meant having my husband back and healthy. However we can't change those things so I am grateful for what we have gotten out of this "journey" for lack of a better term. I love you Michael Thomas and though we are scared and struggled to find a balance with our new fear, look back at where we have been and where we have gotten and know that WE will get through anything that comes our way as a team and still be whole! You may think that we are your reason and that may be true, but my love you are our reason and I know that is true!