Back in a flash: The stories go on



Making Memories at home <3

It is almost 3 in the morning and I should be in bed next Michael sleeping, but I am not evidently so here we go. I am not even sure what I am writing about or what I want to say. I know I missed my blog, I have missed having this therapy for me and should have not let the fear of others interpretation or their issues deter me from what I love and what helps me so I have decided to start again. This blog was started when Michael got sick, but I had been wanting to do it long before and just never did. With that being said this blog is not just about cancer though most of the entries are about that very subject. Most of all I love to write and it does me good emotionally and mentally and that in turn helps me physically, so it is kinds like going to the doctor only I don't get a bill!          

 

One thing that is on my mind lately is my mother and no grandma you don't have stop reading at this point or call me to tell me I was mean! My mom and I have had a rocky relationship to say to the least, I had a lot of hurt from growing up and I struggled with wanting a relationship with her that just was not there and I was angry!!! At 31, I mean 26 ;) years old I can finally say I am no longer angry at her or hurt. I love my mom so much and I wasted so many years guarding my self from her that I didn't allow our relationship to grow, I can now take that blame on my self when I could not before. I was unable to leave the past behind where it should have stayed, I am a mom of 2 amazing children and I know that I am not perfect, I hope that I am better than my mother and I don't say that to hurt her, but that is the purpose right, for us to be better parents then ours and I hope that my kids are better parents than I am (though that is a tall glass to fill) HA! Just kidding about that last part. In a family where there are unhealthy cycles the only way to change the generations to come is to break the cycles and I feel like I have put a good dent in that, but there is still work to be done and I have faith that my kids will continue the healing and change of our family cycle. Over the last 2 years that Michael has been sick, I have been dealing with a lot and one of those things was trying to figure out my relationship with my mom, I have blogged about it before and got a lot of heat for it, nothing I said was untrue and it was how I feel so I am not sorry for it, but I am sorry if it hurt her, when I started that entry I was angry at her, but I was also trying to work through the things that I was angry at so I could move past them, some people don't get that because they are not me and don't process and heal like I do. I have arrived though and I can say that my mom is more valuable to me then I ever knew. She has done so much for me and my family in last 2 years, I can't even put in to words, she has helped me financially, she was the first one to get a prescription I couldn't afford or put gas in my car even though she struggles so much her self. She has helped out with my kids, been there when I needed a sitter, when I needed a break and when I wanted to choke them lol. My mom was the best mom she knew how to be and I can not only accept that, but appreciate it. I don't tell her enough how much having her means to me, I want to, but I am not good at telling, I am better at writing so I hope she reads this!! Mom thank you for everything! I realized last week when some major issues with Michael's health came up because I was able to accept my part in our broken relationship in turn our relationship has changed and grew. I have never been one to go either of my parents to talk about serious things like fear or life or asked for advice. There are reasons for that, but they are no longer important. When Michal's medical issues came up last week I did something I have never done, I drove to my moms house and I talked to her, I cried, asked her for advice. Now she is still mom so some of it was frustrating lol, but it was good. I felt like I had a mom which is something I always had, but wasn't able to accept. I never thought the first place I would go with something that heavy was my mom, but it was not a choice or even a thought of who do I talk to I just drove there and sat down and started talking. My mom and I think this is natural for a parent and I can appreciate this now because I am one, but she wants to fix things. I sometimes struggle talking to her now not because of anger and hurt but because I don't want to Burden her and I don't want her to think she needs to fix things or I want something from her just because I talk to her. I am still working on that with her, but since she is my mom I don't think that will change and that is ok. I think I am and will be the same with my kids, when they have a need or a hurt or a fear I will always want to fix it. Anyways I hope this came across the way I wanted it to, positive and an expression of my appreciation for the growth in my relationship with my mother and also me taking responsibility for my part of the break in our relationship. We call her the crazy lady, because she is crazy, but in a good way! I love ya Mommy Dearest!

 

I know some of you are wondering about what it was I talked to my mom about, well none ya business! Ok that was harsh and said out the selfish kindness of my heart. When we have the answers and we are ready to share and know what to share we will. There is unknowns and will be for always, but the tests will determine how we move forward, some decisions have been made some still have to be made and I have said it in Michael's group. I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst and I know that most of the stress will be for no good reason other than life sucks that way sometimes. I will leave that issue there for know and hope the 3 of you who actually read this blog understand lol.

 

There is some other things I would like to share if you have not quit reading yet, I often go on and on and lose 2 out of 3 of my readers before I get to an end, but this is for me and I share it because I like to share my writing and I hope that it may benefit someone some day who struggles with life, let me be the lab rat of life and how not to do things, I am honored to be a tab bit nuts in order to improve your lives, umm yeah not really but why not!

 

The last year man, it has been a ride, so many changes, but good changes for the most part. Even though they have been good changes don't mean they have been easy. We have grown so much as a family and are really becoming an amazing family, there was time that I thought things were just going to fall apart and it was going to be all my fault. Some days I still feel that way, but that is natural being the control freak of a anxiety ridden insomniac that is me! Much to my surprise however we have not fallen apart. My kids are in a better place emotionally then they have been in years, there is still work to be done but the difference is amazing to me. They are in regular consistent therapy that works good because it is family therapy, but in a unique way, the kids have their therapy, Mike and I have ours and it all works out together, some times we work together as a family, sometimes Mike and I work on things, most of the time the kids work on things and it all intertwines and is working well. Therapy has helped a lot, but the bond we have is where it all really comes from. We have bent, but not broken!!! There is people who have tried to break us and lord know cancer has tried but we are unbreakable, I have said before that we are unbreakable but I am not sure I believed it. I do now, I have seen it unfold over the last few years in to something amazing and I know as we continue to grow and bend we will get stronger. I enjoy my family so much, even the cleaning up after them, running around, back talking, duct tape and Velcro part of them, all of them Michael included. Well maybe not the cleaning up part because I think now that he has settled nicely in to his house wife role he picks up after me more than I pick up after him lol. I mean I do the cleaning because no one can clean to calm my insane anxiety, but he does a good job at keeping things up around here, I don't think he does it because wants to, but because he is afraid of the anxiety beast, I need to give her a name, I am open to suggestions! We rock harder then Mick Jagger in leather pants and often smell like Jagger in leather pants. 

 

The move was hard at first on the kids and I, Michael, I don't think that part was ever hard for him except the packing and unpacking, he does not feel the emotional ties to the old house as the kids and I did. I am not sure why, I can only speculate, but I think leaving there made him feel more in control of his own life and when he left he was not leaving good memories because they had been tainted with some harsh reality that he had to face. Meredith and Ethan adjusted well and fast, there was still some sentimental moments when it was hard for them to accept leaving the memories, but once they realized the memories was in them it was easier, they had a lot of fear there and the last year we were there was not filled with good memories. It has gotten to a point now where they have asked us not take them to the old house, we still have to check mail and check on the place since the bank is taking their sweet time taking the damn thing, but we honor their wishes and don't go when they are with us. I am not elaborating on a lot of things on this topic because it is just not worth the stress to elaborate if you are close to us then you know, if you are not then well you don't really need to. The kids have made a lot of friends at their new home and enjoy playing and making memories. Meredith will tell me all the time about the memories she is making, Ethan he just loves having boys to play with who accept him. They both have a best friend in the neighborhood and ironically enough it is the same kid, he has become part of our family is many ways. We have neighbors we like that are friendly and good to our kids, we lived in Lynnview for like 8 years and never had that. The peeps next to us are wonderful and caring and fun! For me, it was hard at first, I didn't want to move, I had to hide that from the kids and even Michael. I expressed to Michael how hard it was for me and he never really got it, but I couldn't be emotional about it I had to just be a solider. For me though it was where I had raised my kids to this point, where Meredith learned to walk and talk and color on the walls, where Ethan learned to ride a bike and broke the window after sneaking the baseball out of his closet. It was where we had colored all our Easter eggs and built jabba the snow blob. It was where stories were read and movies were watched, it was where pumpkins were carved and firsts happened. It was where they both started their first day of school, all of this was true, but I truly feel more at home here in our little rental. I feel safer and happier and more secure. Michael and I have a heavy weight lifted off of us and that has made a difference. And just as I taught the kids, all those memories are in me not at that house and now that it has been almost a year we have made some new amazing memories and we have laughed a lot more. And having a hallway that is tile instead of carpet, ha! even the cat has made some new memories there, drop a Q tip and watch her go! She will take of running after god knows what some times and just crash in to Meredith's room lol.

 

Meredith really likes her new school, she has really grown in to her own person there, she is on student council, just last week she won the story book pumpkin decorating contest and an essay contest. She has made new friends and has said that going to school where people didn't know her history with cancer has helped her be more than cancer, she shares when she wants, but it is no longer her whole identity at school like it was last year. She is in the advanced program and is on honor roll for the first report card, umm and I still owe her the 20 bucks for that lol. Meredith has always struggled with self confidence, but we can see her growing in to her own skin, she is more confident and out going and doesn't any longer feel like she has to be in a box that someone put her in or has to be who someone else expects her to be. We are still working on body image issues from years of being made to feel that she was to fat or not the beautiful girl she is, but we are making progress on that and it will come in time.  Michael and I never put her in that box and now that we are allowed to be her parents she is able to grow in to herself and I love who she is and who she is becoming, she told me in therapy a couple months ago that she wishes she could be more like me because she loves how accepting and tolerant I am. She don't have pressure or feel like she needs to be like me, but she has taken some of my views and passions on as her own and I love that she has. She is her own little advocate for equality even if she pronounces it as equal tea lol. She is a passionate little girl and I know she will do great things in this world and I think that the changes we have made in our lives and the obstacles we have over come have given her the freedom to own that person she is becoming!

 

Ethan, my little dancing man, he likes parts of his new school but is not sold on middle school! This change was going to happen if we moved or not, but he is adjusting! I don't care for his teacher and am going to look in to getting him moved on Monday, but besides that he is also making friends at school, he has had to contend with some assholes being in the ece class and being different but dad and I have got his back, Michael even went to the school and bullied some kids for him lol. We have got that under control now and that has helped his adjustment a lot. I am also working with the school psychologist to help find ways to help him learn and I think we are making some strides in that department. When I refer to Ethan as different I don't want that to sound negative, I mean that in a good way, he is different, he is awesome and I love that he is not like anyone else or feels like he has to be like anyone else to fit in. He is one of the coolest kids I have ever met!!! Different is not a bad thing, I am different, Michael is and Meredith is. We are all different in our own way and that is what makes us work so well. My little Buddha man always puts a smile on my face when it has been a hard day, he is getting that teenage mouth and attitude about him, but he is still the funny, caring, lovable little guy that used sleep with me every night and pinch my lips until I looked like Cindy Crawford lol. He has made A LOT of friends, just today while he has been at moms I though I was going to have to hang a sign on the door that read "Ethan is at his grandmas please try again tomorrow" It was a different kid knocking on the door every 5 minutes! "Can Ethan play" no "Is Ethan's sister home" lmao, he is the cool kid and Meredith is merely his sister and will do if he is not here to play. She has her friends also, but mostly she hangs out with her brother and shares his friends. He is outgoing and willing to put himself out there and that draws people to him. He has grown a lot since we moved, there is more kids in this neighborhood for him to play with and he is the boss hog! They all gather on the porch and he calls the shots lol. He gets out and dances and draws fans off the streets lol, he will come in all the time with a dollar because someone gave it to him for dancing. There was a party down the street one night and they had the music loud and he was out on the side walk dancing and the party came to him and was watching him and invited him to come and "perform" at there family talent show, he got candy for his performance lol.

 

So as you can see we bent and didn't break, something hard turned into something great! It is scary as parents to make decisions that impact the family in such drastic ways and the fear of making the wrong decision is heavy. I was worried, Michael and I had to really do some soul searching and put a lot of our heart in to making decisions and figuring out how to make this family whole again. We were in crisis mode and that is no way to live. I am not going to pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbow, you ALL know me better than that, but we are getting through each obstacle, I just wish we could get to a point where there were no more big obstacles. I envy those who have the normal things to over come, because we have those and so much more! I think we are stronger because of what we are going through despite the great sacrifices the 4 of us have had to make. We have some wonderful people in our lives that we may not have met if we were not dealt this hand, but I can't say that it has been worth it because we have given up so much. I would like to think that we would have got here with out these hardships, fears and struggles but I don't know. I like who we are better, but I liked us before so I would trade all the growth for Michael's health and I don't think that cancer is a blessing and I could live not knowing what I do know if it meant having my husband back and healthy. However we can't change those things so I am grateful for what we have gotten out of this "journey" for lack of a better term. I love you Michael Thomas and though we are scared and struggled to find a balance with our new fear, look back at where we have been and where we have gotten and know that WE will get through anything that comes our way as a team and still be whole! You may think that we are your reason and that may be true, but my love you are our reason and I know that is true!

 

 

Nurse Betty!

Staycation Pictures!!!


I would like to start this post by saying I am the worst caretaker in the world, if you need a caretaker call Dr. Kevorkian, he is can do better than me. I am OCD, I have so much anxiety that I sometimes take it out on the patient, ie. my husband. I can't cook very good, I cry erratically, even walking through Kroger like this evening for no good reason and I am sure people probably thought I was a nut job. I was not having a melt down or having a "special" moment or anything, but I did have tears falling and I could not fight them off. Ethan was with me, but he was to busy singing opera music and being ADD to notice! I love that kid and how he can just get lost in his own little world, I wish I could do that!!! I run the vacuum when you are sleeping because if I don't run the vacuum right now I will burst!!! I get neurotic when you leave your blanket out when you are not using it and it is not that i expect you to put it away, it is that i do and than you get cold and are afraid to ask for it back because I may have moment of "I can't take the chaos"!!!

I would like to add that I have not always been this crazy and I may be being a little hard on myself, but this is how I feel I am being as a care taker. I feel like I am a complete failure at it, I should be proud that you are alive after 3 days of me taking care of you, but the question is are you glad your alive after 3 days of me taking care of you???

I felt like I was a better care taker in December when I did this, except for Christmas Night, aka to much tequila night!!!

I want to be one of those tv women who have it all together, diner on the table at the perfect time, perfectly prepared at just the right time, with bathed children who sat the table and did their home work (yes I know it is summer break). I want my house to be so clean that one of those magazine people are here to speak with me in front of my mantle (I don't have one or a fire place for that matter) about how perfect my family is and how I keep my home so well.

Who the fuck am I kidding, my family was never that, but that is the image I have in my head of how I should be in this situation. I should have it all together in a perfectly perfect kind of way that amazes everyone. People tell me how strong I am and what a good job I am doing and I feel like a fraud, I feel like I am barely hanging on waiting for something else to happen to throw my hanging by a thread plan off track.

My kids have been wonderful, they have helped me clean, cook, they have been on good behavior except for a melt down once by Ethan. They have done what was asked and even done things I didn't ask. Meredith cleaned her whole room and all I had to was go in sweep and vacuum and she did it to my standards and that is hard to do when I am like this. She even has been coming to me and telling me when she throws her straw paper away from the juice because I have had a melt down or 4 over those plastic juice straw papers :\

I don't know why my anxiety is so high, I have had harder times, November and December was a nightmare, but my anxiety is just off the charts, it was actually off the charts before this health decline with Michael, I was getting in under control though, I was back to my normal meds or less and dealing. For the last and a half though I have been nuts, eating like a crazy person and junk and that has not been me for over a year, I have been craving smokes again and I have not had that crave in a long while, I have had the occasional and mean very occasional smoke socially while drinking, maybe a total of 5 in over a year, but even then I didn't crave it and I didn't need one the next day or anything, so I am not sure why I am craving them again all the sudden. The more I think about it the more I want one. I gotta get back to the gym and work through this for my health, figure and sanity!

I think maybe that I kinda had it in my head that we were out of the woods and we were gonna go right in to remission and we were not going to have any more issues and than this smacked me and I got scared that I was going to lose him again and I was not ready for that, you are never ready, but his health went down hill fast and is bouncing back slowly, the next month is gonna be hard as hell and I know that, but it don't make it easier.

The kids are going to Florida on Friday, I am glad for them and so happy, also sad though, I am going to miss their first time seeing the ocean and all the fun they are going to have and here goes the fucking tears again. I was supposed to be doing all this stuff at this time in my life and instead I am just hoping I can keep dad healthy. I am mad as hell that I have to rely on cell phones and pictures to share my children s life with them for much of it any more. I am mad as hell that my role has changed and it seems like so many people are having fun and enjoying the things I should be enjoying. Don't get me wrong either, I want the people I love to live life and have fun, but it is hard for me to hear about it. My close friend went on vacation and I didn't even want to answer her phone call when she got back because I didn't want to feel that hurt or dare I say jealousy!!! I know this makes me a bitch and I don't mean to be, I can't help my feelings. I did answer and I did talk to her and she was wore out and stresses from the kids on vacation so there you go, the grass is not always greener blah blah! Sometimes though I enjoy seeing and hearing the stories it makes me smile to see those I love enjoying life. I am just nuts a basket case. Like the kids going to Florida I am happy for them and I am glad they get the opportunity, but I am also morning the loss of the opportunity to experience it with them. I am glad that my in laws are taking them, they need some fun and away from this mess, i am not upset or feel like my in laws are taking it away from me, but I feel like cancer has taken it away from me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, my husband is winning his battle, he is going to win, times are hard right now, but we will hear those words remission and this is all worth it.

I have so many worries at this time that many people can't understand. Others can't understand the decisions I make, why bring him home when I could leave him in the hospital and possibly work and not have to worry about the bills, well let me answer that for you, because I prefer him alive than the bills paid, We will make it, August will be rough, but than September will be better. Things from here on out may be more difficult than they should have been, but we will be ok and we will make it through.

I would rather be the supporter than the supported and that is hard for me. I am one of those weird people that enjoy watching everyone open their Christmas presents on Christmas, but hate to be the one to open a gift. I don't like to ask for or need help and I have had to swallow some pride and just say thank you during this journey and am so grateful to have a few people in my life that get that and can understand that it is hard for me and I am grateful, but I don't quite know how to express it or gracefully except it. I usually babble or change the subject. Just something else I suck at lol. I love you guys and you all know who you are, I don't have to call you out in a my blog post.

Oh and I am going to cook breakfast in the morning, I rarely cook breakfast, I am not good at it, I am not a big breakfast eater and I just don't typically do it, but since I am home and my kids are home and my husband is home I want a family breakfast so while i was crying through Kroger I got stuff to make breakfast in the morning, I have eggs left over from making brownies from the bake sale and never really use eggs so I need to cook them and that got me thinking about a family breakfast so this is going to go down in the morning, I am sure it will be more like a breakfast lunch lol, but it will have the same effect! I am looking forward to it and so are the kids, Ethan got super excited about it and Meredith said you bought breakfast for us to have in the morning lmao, I said no I am going to cook breakfast and she giggled and asked if she could help.

I have been typing this, facebooking with myself, nursing and watching a span of old shows, from gi joe, jem to family ties. Perhaps I am not as bad of a care taker as I let on, but he deserves better and the kids deserve better and I want to be better. I can't wait unitl morning so I can have breakfast with my family and hopefully talk and be like one of those tv families even if it is Roseann lol.

Before I go I would like to touch on Metal Fest 3, My family had a so much fun, just out in the open, no distractions, just each other, music, fishing, laughing and working hard. We teamed together to take care of dad also, to keep him cool and hydrated, we bonded as a family and that is something I would not trade for the world. We love each other. We enjoyed each other so much that weekend. We stunk, and we sweated, we were hot and we were hungry sometimes lol, but we just had fun with it, we didn't fight or snap at each other like we often do at home. I can't remember the last time we laughed so much together.

Also Our staycation was awesome, great family fun and bonding, maybe I don't need to be jealous, thought we may not be able to go to ocean we have made the best of our summer together and had some good times. Also we fell in love with our city all over again!!!


Ok babbling must come to an end, this had no purpose as usual, just to talk through my own issues with my self.

Have a good night, morning, or day, what ever time it is in your world right now!

Metal Fest 3 pictures!!!

Stefanie

Roller Coaster of Love hate discontent and fear........

    
This has defiantly been a roller coaster ride with ups, downs, twists, turns, and loopdeloops. Trust me it is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when your seat belt snaps and you have to hold on so tight your knuckles bleed just to keep from falling off! I know I use a lot of analogies, but  this is how I feel at the moment and I know there is someone who knows exactly that feeling I just described.

                                   

     This entry starts very similar to a few before, I am sitting here in the hospital watching him sleep listening to depressing music and trying to find my faith as well as really try to figure out the purpose of this roller coaster ride. I keep hearing that "everything happens for a reason" or "this will make you stronger". So there must be a lesson, a reason to this rhyme right? Michael thinks he has figured it out, but I am not so sure. His theory is that this has happened to him so he could find out some truths, his truths are that these feelings he has had his whole life that he was not loved, respected, wanted or equal are true, now if you ask me that is a shitty lesson! Here,  you can have this cancer with a side of shitty realizations to go along with it. His feelings are valid and I can see why he feels the way he does, but I don't believe this is the lesson to be learned. To be honest I don't think there is one.

     We have gotten a lot out of this journey, good and bad, and some that is yet to be determined. We have renewed our love and respect for each other, not that it was not there before, but it may have gotten a little lost in translation. Not taking each other for granted anymore, listening not just hearing, living in the moment, every moment because we don't know what the next one will hold. Instead of remembering the friendship and love and getting by on that we are defiantly living it again. I am grateful that we love each other so true, that is how we are making it, no doubt in my mind that is what has got us this far.

     We went to Gilda's for couple’s night Thursday; it was just great, the connection and the laughter! There were these cards on the table, date night conversation starter type cards, so we decided to play along and read the questions and answer them. One of the cards said something to effect of "what do you love most about... “I wish I had kept that card, but I didn't. He says to me that he loves that I love him, he says he never felt anyone truly loved him until me and he continues to go in to details giving me some examples of why he feels that way, I will keep those to myself as they are not my memories to share, but this should have made me feel good, but it hurt me for him, it made me sad that he has truly felt so unloved and unwanted in life. He said to me that the only reason he fights is because of me and the kids and if it was not for us he would have no reason to go to treatment or fight. Again, didn't make me feel good, I am glad he wants to live for us, but I want him to want to live for him! I knew he had hurt feelings and had dealt with a lot of feeling through out his life, before me, and since me, but I didn't realize how deep some of these cuts are and so much more makes sense to me about his feelings and how stubborn he is being about some issues. I am glad I understand more, but I hurt more for him, the pain in his eyes is greater than it has ever been. He feels so betrayed, invisible and disappointed, just plain hurt and I can not take that away. No one can, this roller coaster has changed him more than many people realize, and I don't think he will ever forgive, forget, or find peace in peoples actions and feelings that arose in him because of those actions.

     It is hard to find the positive in what he is going through emotionally, but I try, we try, we talk and we try. He feels stronger, he feels like he has found his voice in a family and world that has over looked his voice, they heard him in the past, it is hard not to, he is loud, but they never really listened to him and he finally feels he has made them listen to him, and he thought that this would mend some relationships and things would change once he was heard, but that is not the case and it is no longer what he wants. My husband is hard to get to know, he don't let many people in his heart, he don't let many people get to know him, really know him, I think I may honestly be one of the only people and perhaps Goi, who know who he is and can feel the person he really is. This is why I fell in love with him because I was able to get to know him, the amazing person he is, the humor, the love, the hurt, it is all who he is, but what most people get is the hurt, he protects him self from relationships that can hurt him, I get it. This is one reason I love that we found Gilda’s; he lets him self be him when we are there and he allows himself to connect with others. I never thought that would happen, but I am glad it has. I think part of the reason this experiment worked is because he found his voice, he has accepted that just because the people he wanted to listen didn't respond don't mean no one will. I am not sure what the point is to my rambling once again on this issue with my husband, but it is stuff on my mind and I am writer so I write and he will read and I think he will see that I get it even though I am not good at speaking it. Michael you are growing as a person because you feel free to do so, let it happen and don't fight it. The past is just that. I love you asshole!

     Another thing he said to me regarding the same card and same question was that he loved how strong I was and how he wishes he was as strong as I am. He said that with everything I have been through in my life and with my family that I am strong and have been able to figure it out and make it work and still be strong. First of all my love YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I told you that and you said "you may be right" , no I am right. You are fighting the fight of your life, found your voice and still manage to make me feel like the most loved wife in the world. You are stronger than you have ever been! Second, I am not as strong as I appear, I am good at appearing to be strong, see pervious blog entries and I explain this. I know I am strong enough, but not as strong as you think I am or even as strong as I want to be. Just know that it is a work in progress and the only difference is that 1. I started my work before you did and 2. I am better at hiding my feelings and that, my love, is not a good attribute.

     I have been told that we have so much on our plates and we are handling it so well, I agree that we do have a lot on our plates, but I am sure if we are handling it all well. I try, but I just can't, hold it all together. The reality is that we may lose our house, I have been going nuts trying to keep it, but it is coming to a point where I have to choose between the payments or his treatments and I choose his life and no matter how you put it or rationalize it or deny the truth of the situation we are in, I will always choose his life. Than again what have I been trying to hold on to, is it really ours, nothing in our life has been for quite some time and we have just pretended things were different. We allowed control of our lives because we didn't see an alternative, we thought that it was love, but that is not love. It is easy for a person to say "you have to", but it is a lot harder to be the person who can not do it all alone. Medications, appointments, co pays, food, gas, house hold goods and so on and so forth all the while he needs me, work is no longer the priority, keeping him alive and well and healthy is and I can not do those things and maintain the income we need, even if I didn't have to miss a day work, the income would still not be there for it all, I can not change that and these are just some financial truths I have to admit, no matter how many times I say " I will figure it out" or "I will make it work" I can not, no matter how much I want to. The last couple years have sucked, my health has been shit and I have worked hard to turn that around and I am doing it, the economy has been shit and we have fought and managed to keep what some others were not able to maintain, we maintained with out totally sacrificing our children’s child hood and I don't care who disagrees with that! Have your own families before you judge mine and even than, just saying " I would do this or that" is just saying, you don't know what you would do, I didn't know what I would do and still don't know tomorrow what I will do when things come up! We were struggling and it may be easier to pretend that is not the case. Also you failed to realize that in this current situation, out of the current people who "know best" we were the only ones raising a family amongst the health issues and economy and than just when we saw the light at the end of the tunnel, just when mike got on state and finances started to get better, and just when we started to turn our health around, and just when we finally started to feel that we were going to make it and we didn't have to feel LESS THAN ALL OF YOU ALL ANYMORE, he gets cancer, because the universe thinks that we need a little more and NONE OF YOU KNOW OR CARE WHAT EFFECTS THAT REALLY HAS ON A FAMILY! I am sorry I guess I am pissed at the lack of support and understanding and willingness to do the right thing. I am pissed that despite all my efforts I am failing, but at some of the less important things in my opinion, I may not be able to pay every bill, but I have kept, my husband and kids emotionally and physically sound, that is until other people think they have the right to mess it up. I miss work, I stay up nights, I go to appointments every day to make sure that my children have a father and that my best friend is healthy and has every chance to win the battle of our life. I am pissed that no matter how hard I try, that peoples actions and lies can land him in this bed, sick and having to fight harder, the same people who said to me that "stress is cancer's enemy" yet they pile it on, because what they might or might not get or have, or the control they desire is more important. Just know this I am fighting for the right reasons so I will come out on top. We love the home we have built and I hate for my children to lose that with everything else we have been through, but believe this, no matter what our home will be where we are and our love will over come the HURT. I didn't realize I was so pissed; I have been trying to hard to keep him from being so upset and trying to keep it from affecting his health that I have not expressed my feelings. This is just the financial stress and it is not even the most stressful in our lives so think on that one. At 23 we thought we had a bright future at our fingertips and I am sorry that you feel we made promises we could not keep, we didn't know the future no more than you did. You need to admit though, you made much bigger promises that you have not kept, the promise to love unconditionally, the promise to support, the promise to always be there, these are promises we make to our children and those were never fulfilled. We take responsibility for all we have done, but we were growing up and that is what we were supposed to do, make mistakes and learn and grow, what is your excuse! 
  
     Also insulting my parenting on face book and yes I hear about it, it is laughable, let’s see how well you parent, you can't even handle being an aunt and the responsibilities that comes along with that so let’s see how well you do at parenting! FedEx is after all heartfelt and loving! It is that personal touch the kids need during the hardest months in there young lives to date. I mean it was more than expected since Valentines Day is not a required occasion to acknowledge the children exist, it was not a birthday or Christmas so I guess it is a step up, if that is what you want to call it. It is easy to accuse and assume things when you are not around to know the situation or the other side and you are not the one having to figure out what is the right thing to do. You are not the one with the internal struggle for what is best and that struggle of trying to sort out their feelings, your feelings, and the harm that is being done by all the negativity. Let me call you names, lie about you, refuse to support you when you need me. Let me tell your children half truths about you when I am hurt or mad and than turn them back over to me the next time I am mad. Oh never mind, YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN, so you could not possibly understand the turmoil that is parenting and trying to make the right decisions and not always knowing what is the best decision. I am going to use a potty mouth now, but I am thinking it so I may as well say it because I am tired of holding my feelings in! Who the fuck do you think you are!?! Why the hell do you have a horse in this race!?! What gives you the right to pass judgment on me!?! Saying my children are pawns, BULLSHIT, I have been there mother everyday for their whole life! I have parented them and I have done a DAMN good job weather you think so or not!!!!!

     The rest of you have been part time fixtures and givers of material gifts and that is the extent of it. Even the ones who were there in the early years of their lives and I don't have to point fingers for you to know who you are, the guilt is there, you found your own life that didn't include them and that has been the case for the last couple years until daddy got sick and than you wanted to swoop in and play grandparents of the year! It is easier to throw some money their way than it is to be there, it is easier to control a person’s life than it is to teach them to control their own life, and it is easier to push a person down than it is to hold them up when they need it. I am not saying that the help we have gotten was not appreciated, I am not saying that we didn't take it when offered, but we accepted it because we thought at the time it was coming from a place of love and understanding, not a place of judgment and control. We showed our gratitude by love, including you in our lives, telling you thank you, doing things when we could to show we thought of you! It was not good enough and obviously neither was we! 

     We have stood on our own 2 feet for many years now, we have struggled, but we have came a long way and I don't care what people say or the lies they tell we know the truth! And so do the people close to us, the ones who really know us, and the ones who have been around us, spent time with us, and know our hearts! Brining up things from years ago I mean really, we must be doing things right if you have to rely on mistakes that are 5 years old or older is all I can say! 

I put people before my own family that were not worthy! I thought they loved me and my son as though we were family and I was wrong, you included us, but you didn't love us and the truth comes out at the worst possible time. I was a fool to believe you and to be ashamed of my own family because you made me feel that they were not good enough. My family has issues, I know, but so does yours and much bigger ones. I expected things to go much different, I expected you to be there and expected my own blood, my own family to hurt me and I got the opposite and that has changed how I feel and it makes me sad that I gave you more credit than you deserved. 

This is MY blog and it is my therapy. I have been holding a lot in, I have not expressed these feelings to my husband, my mother, my sister, I have only expressed these to one person whom I will not name, but just know that this person and I are in a 2 person club who know what it feels like to not be accepted, but person I know you are reading this and I feel this way, I would rather be an outsider than part of something so wrong.  

If you are reading this and I pissed you off than good! I have been pissed off for quite some time, glad to have some company. If you got pissed off than it is because you fucked up, not me! Sorry Christian friends, there goes that mouth again, but I need to let it out and I think god understands that!

You know the saying, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on, well piss on you too, I am not sure which is better, but you deserve the best!

Peace out!