Strength and Faith

Not a day has gone by since we found out that Mike has secondary MDS that I have not cried. I have cried tears of fear, tears of happiness at a remembered memory, tears of confusion and tears of sadness. I have cried because of a song that played and because I lay next to him in bed knowing that there may be a day in the nearer future than I am prepared for that I don’t get that privilege.  I cry so my kids don’t have to and so they can, so they can feel secure. They have to know they are not alone, if they see nothing but strength how will they know it is ok to be scared, confused, sad, and even happy. Some people see this as weakness or a lack of faith. Since this show of emotion is out of my control I don’t believe that. It is just how my spirit is processing and preparing for the fight ahead, my tears cleanse my spirit so that I have the strength to get him through the fight we are getting ready for; I will need to be his rock, his cheerleader and his shoulder so I need to deal with my feelings now. So this does not make me weak it is the process of making me stronger. I also don’t see this as a lack of faith, I trust my God, I lean on my God, my God is who I cry too, but to trust God is also to trust his will and to know that his will may not be the same as mine, he may need my best friends for something that I don’t understand leaving me here to grieve his loss and to pick the pieces up and put them back together so rather I see my tears as a confirmation of faith. God’s will is not always answered prayers. If I told you that I trust God will save Michael’s earthly life I would be lying to you, I do believe that his will is going to be done and that he will make the best decision for the love of my life and that gives me some peace, but it still causes human and spiritual emotions that I cannot just turn off.

                I also want to say something about marrying your best friend, when you marry your best friend you have something precious it is a different love but also deep friendship, intimacy, a level of knowing each other that is hard to describe, honesty, vulnerability, trust. Michael is truly the only person in this world who knows me inside and out and me him, he is the only person I fully trust on this earth and there is no one else I can be myself around like I can him. He knows all my funny secrets and all my serious ones. He could ruin my street cred with one Facebook post lol I have been told by other friends or just people I have come in contact with that it is weird that I always “got” to have Mike with me or that I don’t like to do things without him. First I don’t “got” to have him with me, I enjoy having him with me no matter what I am doing and have since our first date.  Don’t get me wrong, I have my girl time, but I don’t need to go without him to enjoy myself, whenever I have gone out without him I feel the absence and usually call him anyway lol. We disagree, and often, because we are both hard headed, but I can count on one hand the number of times we have fought, or really gotten mad at each other. People sometimes think we are upset at each other or in a fight because of how we talk to each other but it is just us, I am his bitch and he is my asshole. His oldest sister once said that I was a female Michael, I didn’t appreciate that at the time lol but I do now. I have spent 13 years with my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life, we have had downs don’t get me wrong, there was one time in our marriage that we were at a cross roads, however we decided we were worth fighting for and we just needed to be reminded of who we were together and eliminate the people in our life that were trying to tear us down as a family. I know some can relate to this as they are also married to their best friend, and others cannot relate. Let me tell you it is amazing to build a life with your best friend, I would not trade it for anything in the world and I feel so lucky. I, however also have a lot to lose if God’s will is to not my will, I will lose a big piece of my heart and myself that can never be replaced a one of a kind love.

These are things that have been on my mind the last few days and I will likely be blogging more as we go through this journey, even though I want to blog all the time I am usually more driven when something big is going on in my life. I share my journey as a caregiver a wife and a mother because I know that others go through some of the things I do. Maybe someone will read one of my posts and not feel so alone. Also I hope that some of my posts make others think and maybe be able to relate more and possibly know better how to respond, or at least understand those in their life that may be facing something. Everything is not as simple as “have faith” or “be strong”, just because someone may not fit into a box of what one thinks faith and strength look like doesn’t mean they are not strong or trusting God.