B.C. ........ A.C. ........ and shout outs!

I have wanted to write for umm I guess the last week or so, but the right time has not arisen. Tonight is the night as I sit here yet again in the hospital and watch him sleep as the blood of some awesome donor runs into my husbands veins, literally saving his life as we speak, thank you anonymous donor!

The iPod shuffle is shuffling and my brain is to. Being back at this hospital, on this floor, with these nurses is a very uncomfortable feeling, not because the hospital or the nurses are bad, but because it reminds me so many fears and loneliness that I just don't like to face. The smell is in my nose and this is a smell that will always trigger this feeling in my stomach, the feeling that I imagine one would get as a little girl that makes you say “I want my daddy".

Seems just like I start to get comfortable and start to believe that everything is going to be ok, than,  BAM as Emeril would say. I am reminded tonight that this battle is certainly not over or even under control. No matter what I do or how attentive I am, or how much research I do, how well I take care of him and the kids, no matter how on top of it I am, I am still not in control of this, I can't fix it, but I want to and it just isn't fair that I can not fix it, I can not make it better for him or the kids or myself. Some days I think I even make it worse.

I should have caught this, I did, I knew something was wrong, I knew he was sicker, I knew the dizzy spells, the weakness; the stumbling was more than just chemo. I called my mom in tears over the weekend scared and wondering what to do. I called the doctor (the one on call, not the amazing doctor that is our doctor, the one who saved his life and is invested in him) I was told that I could take him to the ER or call the office on Monday, his next treatment was today (Tuesday). I thought about it, I cried over the decision on my shoulders and ultimately decided that the ER and all the possible exposures to sickness and infections were greater than what may have been going on, I figured it was his blood counts and we were planning a transfusion on today anyways. On Monday he felt good, he was up and talking and in a good mood and watching movies.

3 units of blood, blood levels dangerously low, high risk for so much to wrong, and it could have been caught if I had just taken him in to the ER, perhaps it wouldn’t have gotten this low. I know the fix is likely these units of blood and he will be fine, but again what if...... I know what if's will drive a person nuts, but I  play this game in my mind about every minute of everyday so I sure as hell am going to analyze the hell out of this so I can make sure I don't let this one by me again. I really dropped the ball on this one and let him down.

His sprit crushed the minute we walked back in this room, the fear he had on his face, he says “just take me home, lets just go home" and I so bad wish we could take off like Bonnie and Clyde and have the time of our lives, but we can't. Instead he lays their getting blood, tired and dizzy and stressed out and so full of holes that if he drank to much he might could play sprinkler.

I know this could be a lot worse. I know that he could be sicker, or have an infection or worse. I this is not going to be a several month stay like the last time, but is a reminder of how fast things can go wrong and how unpredictable our lives have become, this is becoming "normal" to the kids, I don't want this to be their normal. Emotionally a lot of damage has been done to all of us, him, and me the kids.

There have been a lot of tension with the kids lately, they have more responsibility, which I honestly think is good for them, but it is another change, they have to help mommy, I can't do it all on my own and they have really had to take responsibility for their own actions and rooms and laundry and chores, that is a lot for them to be thrown in to, but needed. I am getting more of the rebellion and resistance from them, especially from Ethan.

A common term around our house has been "BEFORE CANCER". Meredith is really struggling with this, she often says "before cancer we did this or that" before cancer we were happier" "before cancer we had fun" "Before cancer I didn't have to". I say it to; probably think it more than I say it.

Before cancer things were different, I agree Meredith, things were happier,  more certain and more secure. After cancer will be good too baby girl, and there will be an AFTER CANCER. A.C may not, no will not be the same as B.C, but I think it can be better if we work at it.

My brain is full, work, home, cancer, kids, bills, all floating around. I plan to go back to work on FEB 1st, I am concerned about that decision, even more after today. I may have to push it back one more week to recover from this, but I have to go back, I have to make the bills and I miss my co workers and the routine, who would have thought L and N would be my stability, certainly not me.

My boss emailed me last week, I emailed him back and have not heard anything since, he has so much going on as well, I know he does, but my mind is going a million places since then and it worries me. I have not been the best at calling and such, I just have trouble keeping up with it all and I sacrificed my communication and have relied on face book to do most of updating and communicating, the communication was just to much for me, the constant calls and texts, not only because there was so many, but I had to constantly talk about cancer, him, the bad stuff and not much good. If you read this Dan, please know I think of you often and I am sorry if I have dropped the ball in communication. Get in touch when you can. I can call you if you tell when a good time is. Love you, you mean so much to me and I hate the thought that I may have dropped the ball where you are concerned.

I would also like to give a special shout out in this therapy session to Cheetoh, you, my future ex husband have been such an awesome support and when I don't talk to you, I still know you are there and you have just done more than I think you realize. With you, it was not like an obligation or i should do this or that, you were just there from day 1 and I will never forget that! Judy, thank you for sharing him, once things get settled, I really want to have a dinner with you guys and hang out. Love you both, I know I don't know you that well Judy, but I know that are one amazing lady because Drew is one amazing person.

So many others that have blown my mind with support and love, Janna and Brittany! You girls are my heart, you all never stop being there and picking me up and just make me laugh when I need it. You girls are one thing that A.C is going to change, after cancer we are going to be close again, like when we were kids. We are going to spend time together and do cousin stuff and our kids are going to be close, i pledge to make this happen, we are going to shop, talk, laugh and ride bikes down Janna's deck stairs! I love you girls so so so so much! We need to have a play date for us and the kids, meet some where or come to the house so they can play and we can talk, laugh, PLAY JUST DANCE lol.

Janet, you have been our guardian Angel, really you have been there during the darkest and most desperate times, you just seemed to know when we needed you and have continued to just know and be there. Last night, our talk, I needed it and it helped me so much and it prepared me for today, your words ring in my head when I need them and I wish that I had found a friendship in you before this. I wish I had not wasted so much time not knowing you. You are wild, crazy, and passionate and fun, like me and we have to stick together. These men are lucky to have us and THEY know it so that is all that matters. I love you and I will never forget our talks and how much you have lifted me up. I am here for you anytime you need me, just pick up the phone. Michael feels the same way. Not just me, but what you did for him, I can never thank you enough for that. He needed something I could not give him and you filled right in and gave it to him. He needed you and he didn’t even know it. You are amazing and we love you. Anytime Uncle Jim wants company watching the judge shows, Michael can fill in lol.

Tami, you didn't think I would leave you out now did you, girl you are the hippie, fun loving, free spirit I strive to be and I just love it and I am soooo glad that my husband connected us, he had told me back when you worked with him that I would love you and I needed to meet you and how much he though we was alike lol, well back than with school and kids and so on and so on, I just said "that sounds nice dear" lol, I regret all that time I had to get to know you and didn't take advantage of now. I am a little socially retarded sometimes and have a hard time fitting in and feeling comfortable, but I don't have that with you. I want to hang out, for real, with the kids, with out, I want to do crafts (even though I suck at it) and I want to do something fun with those cpr dolls you like to dress up and take places. I want to get out and have fun with you and A. C. is going to involve that if you are in. I love you, yes I know we don't know each other to well, but I love you, your spirit is one of a kind and anyone who can't see that and chooses not to absorb all you have to offer is a fool, that is right I said a fool and you can tell them I said so. Also I would like to say to you on a very serious note, things between my mom and I have been rocky through out my life, but our talk at the bats game and reading your writing has changed that, she still pisses me off sometimes, but I am glad that she does and can and I love her for it. I am sorry what you have been through, but you did help me and I am sure others by sharing those feelings and stories. Just wanted you to know that.

This brings me to my mother, I love you, I appreciate you so much. I know you think I don't sometimes, I know that I can be a bitch, I know that I often taken things out on you and I have been trying not to, I know you might not get it, but it is because I love you and I feel closest to you and feel like I can take that to you and let it out, I shouldn't do it and I am really really really trying to fix it. i don't want to make you feel bad or for you to think I am crazy either. Mom you are an amazing person, a little batty, but amazing none the less. You are so caring and concerned and always have your heart in the right place, even though sometimes you need to just watch and let some peeps learn lessons on their own. You have said to me that you feel like people don't like you or that they don't want you around or respect you and I am sorry, truly sorry, deeply sorry if have ever been one of those people who have made you feel that way. You have always been there for me, even when you shouldn't have been. I know that you have your own ways, and obstacles in your life have kept you from being fully available, but I talk about unconditional love all the time and the true meaning of it and perhaps I have not made you feel unconditionally loved at times. Please know this is not on purpose. Sometimes I think we just get so comfortable with a person that we take for granted that  certain things, like how much you love them, and how my venting is not personal or usually even about you, I just go to you. I am thankful that I have you to go to and I love you more than words can express, even though you love Kevin more than me lol. Mom you are worth more than you give yourself credit for, you are capable, fun, SMART, caring, and have a lot to offer, the way you was with Michal when he was so sick, the way you took care of him and didn't care what the task was, mom that is the essence of you. I vouch that A.C. after cancer I am going to help you realized who you are, I am going to push you to get out of your box and live and have true happiness, not happiness you find in a man or your children, or your grandchildren, those are all great and a type of happiness, but you need to find yourself and happiness in yourself and I want to help you. I love you mommy always, even when you piss me off, just know that!

There are so many people that I need to give a shout out to and yes this is part of my therapy, I hold this guilt and worry over not being able to express my gratitude and genuine feelings for people I love and have been there for me during the most difficult time of my life. I think about it and I feel like no matter what I do, I can never repay or even express my true passionate appreciation.

I know that I can not include everyone, some one will be left out and I hate to make someone feel unappreciated. Kim and Kevin, you guys have been there too and I appreciate it and I want us to be brother and sisters that lift each other up and not tear each other down, siblings that can be honest with each other and know that it comes from love, siblings that can cry, laugh, yell and enjoy each other, A.C baby that is coming, I think we are almost there and we can pull it together.

Sue, you have been such a good friend to Mike, I know you backed off because of what people have said to you, but Mike says often that he has not heard from you and he wonders. He likes hearing from you and seeing you and he feels that you have been a great friend to him and don't let what others say come in between that, be you, you are a great lady and we are lucky to know you and call you a friend.

All the people praying, all the people who have donated time, money, toys, love and support. I am talking to each of you and you know who you are, thank you for all you have done, listening and making us laugh even is something we appreciate. Mr. and Mrs. Harman, love you all too, so glad to call you guys friends, so true hearted and caring, I want to be closer to you guys to, A.C better believe, ohh and douggie I wanna be in the next video lol, its a new revolution of big girls taking over the video modeling lol, use me, I am funny. Alicia and Doug on a serious note, you guys are doing your thing and doing it well and I am so proud of you, young people these days don't often have it together like you, putting school, work, family and friends on the front line is what it's about. I love to look at the pics of you guys with family and friends and just enjoying life. I wanna be in some of those pics A.C.

Stephanie, cousin, Michigan seems like a world away, but I feel you there, after all these years you are so in my thoughts and heart, your messages, so random and heart felt and they mean a lot to me, I love getting to know you again. A.C. we are going to visit, you need to come to visit me and also i am going ot make it there, when he is better and I have money again lol, I am going to put my mom in the Kia and drag her out there and we have to catch up, hang out and get our moms together, Aunt Donna is good for mom.

Aunt lisa and grandma, I don't have to tell you all what you mean to me. Always on my mind the two of you and Pa also. Nothing more I can than I love you and THANK YOU! 

Mary Jane, girl you know where you are in my heart, you are there and I feel you with me and that hug, I got it, you don't have to been here for me to feel that embrace. I would like to see you and get together, but until than I feel you, I appreciate you and I love you.

Ok this thing is long enough, the people I gave shout outs too, probably got tired of reading and just quit, probably didn't even get to theirs lol.

 I love you all and need you all and i consider myself lucky to have you all and if I didn't mention your name, i was still talking about you, don't please don't take it personal, I never claimed to have a good brain or memory, I feel you, I love you.

B.C. was good, but A.C is going to be great!

It wasn't me!

    
So for the last few nights I have added a new channel to my Pandora therapy, I have advanced from just Janis and sad country music to Elton John, yeah that is right good ole" Elton. Right now ironically candle in the wind is playing. I have also developed an addiction to hot coco, though I am not sure it is conducive to my weight loss goals, not that it matters because the food crushed that goal in the last week maybe two, not that I am eating a lot because I am limited, even though not fully limited yet, but the things I am eating and craving are nuts, I have not craved these things since like April when I made this life style change. I am working on getting it under control now; I have improved the last few days and am getting back on the right track. I know it is the stress and not smoking, but I can't let myself take steps back because I may never get back on the right track, it did take me 29, I mean 25 ;) years the first time to figure it out.

     I am a little confused, his scans are looking better, he is not in remission yet, but the tumor has shrunk and his heart is doing a lot better, he still has live cancer cells, but it appears his treatment is working, this is great news, and we needed some hope that things are going to get better. Now where I get confused is you would think that this has made things less stressed and restored some happiness, but actually the last two days have been incredibly stressful and emotional, on both of our parts. I have cried the day away; from about 1 pm today to well it is now tomorrow so I guess I mean that day away thing literally. I have also leaned a new skill and I think some of you can relate to this, others I hope you never can, but I learned to cry on the inside, I mean full on have an emotional fit on the inside while I sit here watch a movie or play a online game. I still have my full on outside emotional days like today, but like when the kids were hanging out in the living room I managed to dry up the tears, but only on the outside. I have not managed to do this with a smile yet though or functionally, but still I was damn surprised when I realized that I could do this.

I think there is an element of fear of him being home even though it is what we want, It scares the hell out of me, I know that I have been taking care of him the whole time, even when he was in the hospital, but if I got to freaked out or worried I had someone to call to come and check him out and several times it was good that I did, but I am going solo this time. We know that he is likely to be sicker this round and it all comes down to how well I can take care of him and what if I mess something up, what if I am not here when needs me. I am going to have to go back to work soon, I will run out of time, or sanity and I miss having a routine, but how does this work now that I don't have nurses to fall back on, at least for now, who knows if he will stay out of the hospital. I am hoping by the end of January than we will find that new normal, that new schedule that new way to survive in an uncertain life.

I think that he is relieved and disappointed at the same time, though the scan was better, anytime the words "live cancer cells" are used and the word NO is not in front of it, well it is scary and uncertain and disappointing. I think I personally set myself up for failure. I had mentally just blocked out the possibility that there was still cancer, I just said "self, there is no more cancer and we so kicked it's ass" I wanted so bad to be able to hope it in to truth. When the nurse read the scan over the phone, even as she was saying it looks very promising and it is a great improvement, the words live cancer cells and chemo and all the tons of information being poured in to me about our next steps out weighed the moment I needed to be happy about the good stuff. I had to put that excited smile on and tell him all the positive and try to ease in to the rest so he got to have that feeling of happiness and accomplishment that was taken from me by the fast speaking nurse on the phone, but I don't think he had that moment either, he first asked if he still had cancer and if it has spread. She didn't mention any more tumors, but she did say several hot spots of live cancer cells were detected, but he is getting better and I want to focus on that. 

     I am the one who had asked Dr. Hadley if he would get to do any out patient chemo and he said he would see if he could adapt the regimen to allow that, he would not make that decision though unless it was in Michael's best interest though right? I am scared that something will happen and I will feel guilty for asking, I don't want him home if it means that something bad will happen. It was just a question. I trust that Dr. Hadley will make sure Michael is taken care of and he gets what he needs, he is an amazing caring, knowledgeable doctor. He saved his life and seems to have taken a personal interest in Michael’s battle, he calls Michael his miracle patient.

     Today Michael and I got in to our first real argument since cancer, this my friends is what has me up at 1:50 am writing on this damn page. I feel so guilty that I allowed this to happen, I have cried over it and apologized and analyzed it to death. He is over it, I am not mad or anything just upset that we argued.

     He has been sitting around the house not doing much since he has been home, I figured he needs his rest and he is doing the best thing, taking it easy and I have waited on him hand and foot. I want to be there for him and I want to take care of him, but am I? I am trying, but I didn't realize that maybe I was being to easy on him. He was walking down the hall the other day and his legs gave out, that was my first sign, the first alarm that something is wrong, he is losing not only his strength, but his muscle tone in his legs, He has barely moved in 2 months if you think about it and when he does it takes him days to recover. I have also noticed lately that he has kind of become a shell of himself, he has no passion any more, good or bad, he don't get as angry or loud as he once did (normally I would not complain about this) he also has had no desire to have fun, other than the wii he has not done anything entertaining and I can't even tell you the last smile I saw on his face, seriously, I can not remember I have tried. When I look in his eyes, there is something missing.

Bare with me, I am getting to the argument.

So I decided I am going to dish out some tough love and try to get him out of this funk and help to improve not only his emotional health, but physical health because it is deteriorating and it is related to his emotional self as well as his treatment.

I set up for orientation at Gilda's Club and we went a few other places today also. The plan was to just go to Gilda's, but I didn't get anything from him there, the only thing he said the whole time we was there was the answer to a trivia question "does anyone know who Gilda is" and for those of you who know Michael know that it is just in his nature to know the answers to questions. He liked it there and wants to become a member which we have an appointment to do on Monday, but no smile, no conversation, no real expression of anything and I am sure some of you are saying "well it was not anything to jump up and down over" True that, but while we were doing the orientation and walk through the kids were doing a drum circle, they were banging on those drums and having a blast, just the two of them for most of the tour, you could hear them all over the building drumming and laughing, still nothing from him, Folks my husband is a drummer, pre cancer he would have loved that he would have gotten so in to that and he probably would have ditched me during the orientation to go and bang on the drums with them. He would have been talking to them about it and giving them insight on drumming and probably telling them that those were not real drums, real drums have a cymbal or something completely drummer, but I got nothing, they got nothing, but "are you ready to go".

     I felt defeated, not for me, but for him, he is defeating himself. So I asked if he was up to staying out a while and he said "I don't care" so we did and all morning nothing, he has quit enjoying life and how is he going to fight for something he don't enjoy anymore, he needs passion to fight. I have a plan, but it has to wait a little while longer due to finances, but something has to give, he has to help me help him. I am dying on the inside, I need to laugh, I need to have fun WITH HIM. I need to know that he is still in there some where so I fight with him, actually it was not planned or on purpose, but I realized why I did it as soon as I realized what I was doing. I took the first opportunity to argue, yell and cry, why, well I think in part I was angry at him for leaving me, he has mentally and emotionally checked out lately and I sit up and morn the loss of someone who is still here and that sucks! Something amazing happened though, he yelled back, he got mad and as nuts as that may sound it made me happy on the inside, but I was still pissed on the outside. He showed some emotion, some fire in the belly and it was great! I just wish I had not gotten it from him that way, I am honest it was an accident, I didn't fight with him to get that fire, at least not consciously, but it did.

     When we got home he was still mad at me, I could tell even though he said he was not. I didn't do or say anything to bad, but I did let out some pent up emotion and from there I have cried all day. I don't usually let the kids or even him see me cry, no like that, or even let some of the things I said out of my head and across my lips, I let some of those fears out and I told him I was angry at him and why!

I spent the rest of the evening apologizing and feeling guilty as hell for it, he has been very affectionate though and that felt good, so I don't know if I accidentally helped him because I got mad that I couldn't help him, time will tell, but I do know he needs to fight and for that he needs to want to live and to want to live he needs passion.

He let some things out also, it was all about people who let him down in life and now, it was a lot of raw feelings of discontent for people who have hurt him. He is angry, but it is not at me and he is holding it in, he is hurt, but not by me and he is holding it in. He wants to forget the people who he feels are not worth his tears and I am not one of those people. Guess though who is living with the consequences of their actions though, the one who has lost a part of the man she loves, the person who loved him before cancer and was there before cancer, the person who has been there since the first day of diagnosis and every day since, the person who will be there after cancer and for all days of our life is the one who is morning the loss of someone who is alive and in the same house. I am being punished for something I didn't do. All I can say is it wasn't me, but go ahead and let me have it, I am here and I love you!

Try (Just a little bit harder)

Try oh yeah, hey, try oh yeah, Lord, Lord, Lord,
Try oh yeah, try oh yeah, Lord, Lord, Lord,
Try oh yeah yeah, try, whoa, try oh yeah, Lord, Lord, Lord,
Push, work, push, work, oh yeah, try, oh yeah hey!
Try oh yeah, hey try oh yeah,
Try Lord, try, try, you ain't trying man
You're not trying out man, come up with it.
Come on, that's a wanker that listens to words, man.
Hey you gotta work all night
Hey little girl, gotta push on
You gotta need
Work a little more, hey, try a little more,
Need a little more
Yeah, work on, push on, move on, move on,
You gotta work for it, you gotta work on it
Push on, need on, move on,
Move on, hey hey hey. ~ Janis Lyn Joplin

       This is what I do every day, try, just a little harder, what happens when you run out of "little bit" when you reach that climax of try and you don't know how to try any harder. We are approaching 2 months, on Jan 6th 2011 it will have been 2 months since we walked in to the ER arguing over how he didn't need to go, on Jan. 7th 2011 it will be 2 months since he said to me that if I had not made him come he would not be going through this. That is right January 7th is 2 months since this monster came in to and ripped our lives apart. 2 exciting months of fear, uncertainty, doctors, medications, sleeplessness, worry, downs, country music and Janis Joplin simply put HELL! 2 months since things were normal, fun was had, we felt safe, a day went by when the word cancer was not in our every day vocabulary. 2 months,  aprox 8 weeks, 58 days, 1392 hours, 83520 minutes, but who is counting?

     I have learned a lot, thought a lot, found some true friends and lost a few as well. I have grown as a person, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter and sister. Ask me though what I know however, that is a different question all in it's own right there. I don't know anything! I think that is what has me awake right now, typing this and again crying while the loves of my life are quietly sleeping in there beds, George Lopez plays silently on the tv and Pandora (internet radio) toggles between old country and yes you guessed it Janis Joplin.

     I don't know what is going to happen; I have no idea what to do next. I have no idea what my next move is, is the glue that is holding it all together also know as me going to come unglued. I am manufacturing my own glue after all and I have no idea how strong the hold is or if it is flood proof. This glue of mine is great for holding together the outside, except for at night or anytime I am alone, but the inside is all broken and crumbling. Sometimes I can close my eyes and see it all coming apart, when I close my eyes it is like I am falling off, well the earth and I keep waiting for the smack and sometimes I fear that the smack is right below me and I flinch in the form of misplaced anger or outbursts, but than I continue to fall, but only on the inside. On the outside it feels more like slow motion, like in the movies, just before the crash. Maybe that is what is keeping things together, the slow motion out there and the super fast falling in here some how cancel each other out and I catch my self, but what if I don't. If the outside speeds up or inside slows down than disaster strikes. ( no I am not nuts, just processing, remember this is my therapy and free therapy is, you know the expression, you get what you pay for, enough said)

     People who mean well, and who are concerned, and who want to help keep asking me questions and I don't know the answers, I am hoping that it will all just work out if I keep trying, just a little bit harder. I try to trust that all the questions will be answered when it is time, like when am I going back to work, when is Michael going back in to the hospital, what am I doing to do this time while he is in the hospital, do I need anything, I mean they are all reasonable questions, I just don't know the answers. I know that things seem to be working so far and I have not fucked it up, but I could any day now. I know that some days it appears things are in place and running smooth and other days it appears that I have no idea what I am doing. Both are true, things are working some how, but I still have no idea what I am doing.

     Ok enough of that topic lets move on to the next. I am less emotional about it all, I don't cry as much and some showers are just showers and not just a place to go and cry. I can talk about it with out tearing up on most days; I can joke and use humor to get through some of the bad days instead of sorrow or anger. This sounds good right, it sounds like I am accepting this and dealing quite well and healthy, but I have to tell you folks, it feels much more like numbness than acceptance to me. I don't want to become numb, emotionally numb during the most emotional time in my life, this could be the thing that makes me full on emotionally retarded, my ex husband came close to accomplishing that goal, but Michael saved me, who will save me this time. I don't think anyone can, there is so many emotions my mind is starting to block out.

     That is one thing I have always hated about myself, I can block most anything out, it took some years and some tears to develope that skill, but I have and in great part my dad is who I owe that to. He is not the sole contributor, but the one repeat offender that allowed me all the practice I needed to perfect this skill. This talent of mine I speak of is one I try not to use often, I don't want to be numb or block my feelings, I like the passionate person I really am, but it is like, ummm, ok my emotional nervous system is a alcoholic, a horrible drunk, Tequila! I am not an alcoholic so don't go pulling together an intervention or anything, it is a metaphor. A drunk don't drink because they like it, they drink to cope, they can not handle reality so they drink it away, my brain does that with my feelings, when they get to be to much sometimes it just numbs them.

     I know I am not completely numb because there are nights, like this one when the emotion is over whelming and I am sure it was triggered by him not feeling well today when the last week he has felt ok and been kinda normal. Next time though will I get emotional or will I figure out how to block this out to, I know the tequila is not working, but I did spend a good part of my youth in Hazard Kentucky, so there is always moon shine, I could numb this, I don't want to though because I am scared that I may not be the same if I do, but when will that defense mode kick in, when will my drunk ass emotional self pour my feelings a good ole glass of 100 proof. I don't want to feel this way, emotional, scared, hurt, angry, heavy, but I don't want to be numb to it either and I would rather ride this out than to lose us. Yeah that is what it comes down to, I am afraid of losing us, not just him anymore, but us. Not just am I scared of him dying and I know we are not splitting up (sorry to those of you who was hoping on that last part), but what if we are never the same again, better would be good, but worse, it scares me.

     What I mean by worse is this, things are not the same, he is sick and I am scared and I treat him different, I look at him different, I touch him different, I hold him different, (cover your eyes grandma and mom) I make love to him different. Just like tonight, he wanted to make love to me, but I gracefully played the "I have a headache card" that us girls are so famous for, why, because he was not feeling well today and I was scared, this is not news to him for those of you who are thinking "she is writing this, don't she know he will read it" I told him what I was feeling, he got it and he went to sleep. I didn't want him to get it, I wanted him to be mad at me or push like he would have before, like you guys are famous for. We have changed and I want to know if we will come out of this ok, if we will come out of this us. I know the love will always be there, I know that we will always be together, I know that he will forever be the one I want and need, but will I ever not be scared of him again. I mean when we beat this, will I stop being scared because I have already jumped ahead to will it come back.

I have no idea what I just wrote, I just wrote and felt and cried and that is what I needed to do is just feel and write and cry. I went back and read it though which I usually don't do and it makes sense to me and what I have learned from reading my insanity is I am not drunk yet and I have to relearn how to allow my self to feel, I don't know how I will do that and I know many of you will be on that journey with me as I learn. All I do know for now is  I just have to try, just a little bit harder to trust my self and that is better than knowing nothing.