B.C. ........ A.C. ........ and shout outs!

I have wanted to write for umm I guess the last week or so, but the right time has not arisen. Tonight is the night as I sit here yet again in the hospital and watch him sleep as the blood of some awesome donor runs into my husbands veins, literally saving his life as we speak, thank you anonymous donor!

The iPod shuffle is shuffling and my brain is to. Being back at this hospital, on this floor, with these nurses is a very uncomfortable feeling, not because the hospital or the nurses are bad, but because it reminds me so many fears and loneliness that I just don't like to face. The smell is in my nose and this is a smell that will always trigger this feeling in my stomach, the feeling that I imagine one would get as a little girl that makes you say “I want my daddy".

Seems just like I start to get comfortable and start to believe that everything is going to be ok, than,  BAM as Emeril would say. I am reminded tonight that this battle is certainly not over or even under control. No matter what I do or how attentive I am, or how much research I do, how well I take care of him and the kids, no matter how on top of it I am, I am still not in control of this, I can't fix it, but I want to and it just isn't fair that I can not fix it, I can not make it better for him or the kids or myself. Some days I think I even make it worse.

I should have caught this, I did, I knew something was wrong, I knew he was sicker, I knew the dizzy spells, the weakness; the stumbling was more than just chemo. I called my mom in tears over the weekend scared and wondering what to do. I called the doctor (the one on call, not the amazing doctor that is our doctor, the one who saved his life and is invested in him) I was told that I could take him to the ER or call the office on Monday, his next treatment was today (Tuesday). I thought about it, I cried over the decision on my shoulders and ultimately decided that the ER and all the possible exposures to sickness and infections were greater than what may have been going on, I figured it was his blood counts and we were planning a transfusion on today anyways. On Monday he felt good, he was up and talking and in a good mood and watching movies.

3 units of blood, blood levels dangerously low, high risk for so much to wrong, and it could have been caught if I had just taken him in to the ER, perhaps it wouldn’t have gotten this low. I know the fix is likely these units of blood and he will be fine, but again what if...... I know what if's will drive a person nuts, but I  play this game in my mind about every minute of everyday so I sure as hell am going to analyze the hell out of this so I can make sure I don't let this one by me again. I really dropped the ball on this one and let him down.

His sprit crushed the minute we walked back in this room, the fear he had on his face, he says “just take me home, lets just go home" and I so bad wish we could take off like Bonnie and Clyde and have the time of our lives, but we can't. Instead he lays their getting blood, tired and dizzy and stressed out and so full of holes that if he drank to much he might could play sprinkler.

I know this could be a lot worse. I know that he could be sicker, or have an infection or worse. I this is not going to be a several month stay like the last time, but is a reminder of how fast things can go wrong and how unpredictable our lives have become, this is becoming "normal" to the kids, I don't want this to be their normal. Emotionally a lot of damage has been done to all of us, him, and me the kids.

There have been a lot of tension with the kids lately, they have more responsibility, which I honestly think is good for them, but it is another change, they have to help mommy, I can't do it all on my own and they have really had to take responsibility for their own actions and rooms and laundry and chores, that is a lot for them to be thrown in to, but needed. I am getting more of the rebellion and resistance from them, especially from Ethan.

A common term around our house has been "BEFORE CANCER". Meredith is really struggling with this, she often says "before cancer we did this or that" before cancer we were happier" "before cancer we had fun" "Before cancer I didn't have to". I say it to; probably think it more than I say it.

Before cancer things were different, I agree Meredith, things were happier,  more certain and more secure. After cancer will be good too baby girl, and there will be an AFTER CANCER. A.C may not, no will not be the same as B.C, but I think it can be better if we work at it.

My brain is full, work, home, cancer, kids, bills, all floating around. I plan to go back to work on FEB 1st, I am concerned about that decision, even more after today. I may have to push it back one more week to recover from this, but I have to go back, I have to make the bills and I miss my co workers and the routine, who would have thought L and N would be my stability, certainly not me.

My boss emailed me last week, I emailed him back and have not heard anything since, he has so much going on as well, I know he does, but my mind is going a million places since then and it worries me. I have not been the best at calling and such, I just have trouble keeping up with it all and I sacrificed my communication and have relied on face book to do most of updating and communicating, the communication was just to much for me, the constant calls and texts, not only because there was so many, but I had to constantly talk about cancer, him, the bad stuff and not much good. If you read this Dan, please know I think of you often and I am sorry if I have dropped the ball in communication. Get in touch when you can. I can call you if you tell when a good time is. Love you, you mean so much to me and I hate the thought that I may have dropped the ball where you are concerned.

I would also like to give a special shout out in this therapy session to Cheetoh, you, my future ex husband have been such an awesome support and when I don't talk to you, I still know you are there and you have just done more than I think you realize. With you, it was not like an obligation or i should do this or that, you were just there from day 1 and I will never forget that! Judy, thank you for sharing him, once things get settled, I really want to have a dinner with you guys and hang out. Love you both, I know I don't know you that well Judy, but I know that are one amazing lady because Drew is one amazing person.

So many others that have blown my mind with support and love, Janna and Brittany! You girls are my heart, you all never stop being there and picking me up and just make me laugh when I need it. You girls are one thing that A.C is going to change, after cancer we are going to be close again, like when we were kids. We are going to spend time together and do cousin stuff and our kids are going to be close, i pledge to make this happen, we are going to shop, talk, laugh and ride bikes down Janna's deck stairs! I love you girls so so so so much! We need to have a play date for us and the kids, meet some where or come to the house so they can play and we can talk, laugh, PLAY JUST DANCE lol.

Janet, you have been our guardian Angel, really you have been there during the darkest and most desperate times, you just seemed to know when we needed you and have continued to just know and be there. Last night, our talk, I needed it and it helped me so much and it prepared me for today, your words ring in my head when I need them and I wish that I had found a friendship in you before this. I wish I had not wasted so much time not knowing you. You are wild, crazy, and passionate and fun, like me and we have to stick together. These men are lucky to have us and THEY know it so that is all that matters. I love you and I will never forget our talks and how much you have lifted me up. I am here for you anytime you need me, just pick up the phone. Michael feels the same way. Not just me, but what you did for him, I can never thank you enough for that. He needed something I could not give him and you filled right in and gave it to him. He needed you and he didn’t even know it. You are amazing and we love you. Anytime Uncle Jim wants company watching the judge shows, Michael can fill in lol.

Tami, you didn't think I would leave you out now did you, girl you are the hippie, fun loving, free spirit I strive to be and I just love it and I am soooo glad that my husband connected us, he had told me back when you worked with him that I would love you and I needed to meet you and how much he though we was alike lol, well back than with school and kids and so on and so on, I just said "that sounds nice dear" lol, I regret all that time I had to get to know you and didn't take advantage of now. I am a little socially retarded sometimes and have a hard time fitting in and feeling comfortable, but I don't have that with you. I want to hang out, for real, with the kids, with out, I want to do crafts (even though I suck at it) and I want to do something fun with those cpr dolls you like to dress up and take places. I want to get out and have fun with you and A. C. is going to involve that if you are in. I love you, yes I know we don't know each other to well, but I love you, your spirit is one of a kind and anyone who can't see that and chooses not to absorb all you have to offer is a fool, that is right I said a fool and you can tell them I said so. Also I would like to say to you on a very serious note, things between my mom and I have been rocky through out my life, but our talk at the bats game and reading your writing has changed that, she still pisses me off sometimes, but I am glad that she does and can and I love her for it. I am sorry what you have been through, but you did help me and I am sure others by sharing those feelings and stories. Just wanted you to know that.

This brings me to my mother, I love you, I appreciate you so much. I know you think I don't sometimes, I know that I can be a bitch, I know that I often taken things out on you and I have been trying not to, I know you might not get it, but it is because I love you and I feel closest to you and feel like I can take that to you and let it out, I shouldn't do it and I am really really really trying to fix it. i don't want to make you feel bad or for you to think I am crazy either. Mom you are an amazing person, a little batty, but amazing none the less. You are so caring and concerned and always have your heart in the right place, even though sometimes you need to just watch and let some peeps learn lessons on their own. You have said to me that you feel like people don't like you or that they don't want you around or respect you and I am sorry, truly sorry, deeply sorry if have ever been one of those people who have made you feel that way. You have always been there for me, even when you shouldn't have been. I know that you have your own ways, and obstacles in your life have kept you from being fully available, but I talk about unconditional love all the time and the true meaning of it and perhaps I have not made you feel unconditionally loved at times. Please know this is not on purpose. Sometimes I think we just get so comfortable with a person that we take for granted that  certain things, like how much you love them, and how my venting is not personal or usually even about you, I just go to you. I am thankful that I have you to go to and I love you more than words can express, even though you love Kevin more than me lol. Mom you are worth more than you give yourself credit for, you are capable, fun, SMART, caring, and have a lot to offer, the way you was with Michal when he was so sick, the way you took care of him and didn't care what the task was, mom that is the essence of you. I vouch that A.C. after cancer I am going to help you realized who you are, I am going to push you to get out of your box and live and have true happiness, not happiness you find in a man or your children, or your grandchildren, those are all great and a type of happiness, but you need to find yourself and happiness in yourself and I want to help you. I love you mommy always, even when you piss me off, just know that!

There are so many people that I need to give a shout out to and yes this is part of my therapy, I hold this guilt and worry over not being able to express my gratitude and genuine feelings for people I love and have been there for me during the most difficult time of my life. I think about it and I feel like no matter what I do, I can never repay or even express my true passionate appreciation.

I know that I can not include everyone, some one will be left out and I hate to make someone feel unappreciated. Kim and Kevin, you guys have been there too and I appreciate it and I want us to be brother and sisters that lift each other up and not tear each other down, siblings that can be honest with each other and know that it comes from love, siblings that can cry, laugh, yell and enjoy each other, A.C baby that is coming, I think we are almost there and we can pull it together.

Sue, you have been such a good friend to Mike, I know you backed off because of what people have said to you, but Mike says often that he has not heard from you and he wonders. He likes hearing from you and seeing you and he feels that you have been a great friend to him and don't let what others say come in between that, be you, you are a great lady and we are lucky to know you and call you a friend.

All the people praying, all the people who have donated time, money, toys, love and support. I am talking to each of you and you know who you are, thank you for all you have done, listening and making us laugh even is something we appreciate. Mr. and Mrs. Harman, love you all too, so glad to call you guys friends, so true hearted and caring, I want to be closer to you guys to, A.C better believe, ohh and douggie I wanna be in the next video lol, its a new revolution of big girls taking over the video modeling lol, use me, I am funny. Alicia and Doug on a serious note, you guys are doing your thing and doing it well and I am so proud of you, young people these days don't often have it together like you, putting school, work, family and friends on the front line is what it's about. I love to look at the pics of you guys with family and friends and just enjoying life. I wanna be in some of those pics A.C.

Stephanie, cousin, Michigan seems like a world away, but I feel you there, after all these years you are so in my thoughts and heart, your messages, so random and heart felt and they mean a lot to me, I love getting to know you again. A.C. we are going to visit, you need to come to visit me and also i am going ot make it there, when he is better and I have money again lol, I am going to put my mom in the Kia and drag her out there and we have to catch up, hang out and get our moms together, Aunt Donna is good for mom.

Aunt lisa and grandma, I don't have to tell you all what you mean to me. Always on my mind the two of you and Pa also. Nothing more I can than I love you and THANK YOU! 

Mary Jane, girl you know where you are in my heart, you are there and I feel you with me and that hug, I got it, you don't have to been here for me to feel that embrace. I would like to see you and get together, but until than I feel you, I appreciate you and I love you.

Ok this thing is long enough, the people I gave shout outs too, probably got tired of reading and just quit, probably didn't even get to theirs lol.

 I love you all and need you all and i consider myself lucky to have you all and if I didn't mention your name, i was still talking about you, don't please don't take it personal, I never claimed to have a good brain or memory, I feel you, I love you.

B.C. was good, but A.C is going to be great!