It wasn't me!

    
So for the last few nights I have added a new channel to my Pandora therapy, I have advanced from just Janis and sad country music to Elton John, yeah that is right good ole" Elton. Right now ironically candle in the wind is playing. I have also developed an addiction to hot coco, though I am not sure it is conducive to my weight loss goals, not that it matters because the food crushed that goal in the last week maybe two, not that I am eating a lot because I am limited, even though not fully limited yet, but the things I am eating and craving are nuts, I have not craved these things since like April when I made this life style change. I am working on getting it under control now; I have improved the last few days and am getting back on the right track. I know it is the stress and not smoking, but I can't let myself take steps back because I may never get back on the right track, it did take me 29, I mean 25 ;) years the first time to figure it out.

     I am a little confused, his scans are looking better, he is not in remission yet, but the tumor has shrunk and his heart is doing a lot better, he still has live cancer cells, but it appears his treatment is working, this is great news, and we needed some hope that things are going to get better. Now where I get confused is you would think that this has made things less stressed and restored some happiness, but actually the last two days have been incredibly stressful and emotional, on both of our parts. I have cried the day away; from about 1 pm today to well it is now tomorrow so I guess I mean that day away thing literally. I have also leaned a new skill and I think some of you can relate to this, others I hope you never can, but I learned to cry on the inside, I mean full on have an emotional fit on the inside while I sit here watch a movie or play a online game. I still have my full on outside emotional days like today, but like when the kids were hanging out in the living room I managed to dry up the tears, but only on the outside. I have not managed to do this with a smile yet though or functionally, but still I was damn surprised when I realized that I could do this.

I think there is an element of fear of him being home even though it is what we want, It scares the hell out of me, I know that I have been taking care of him the whole time, even when he was in the hospital, but if I got to freaked out or worried I had someone to call to come and check him out and several times it was good that I did, but I am going solo this time. We know that he is likely to be sicker this round and it all comes down to how well I can take care of him and what if I mess something up, what if I am not here when needs me. I am going to have to go back to work soon, I will run out of time, or sanity and I miss having a routine, but how does this work now that I don't have nurses to fall back on, at least for now, who knows if he will stay out of the hospital. I am hoping by the end of January than we will find that new normal, that new schedule that new way to survive in an uncertain life.

I think that he is relieved and disappointed at the same time, though the scan was better, anytime the words "live cancer cells" are used and the word NO is not in front of it, well it is scary and uncertain and disappointing. I think I personally set myself up for failure. I had mentally just blocked out the possibility that there was still cancer, I just said "self, there is no more cancer and we so kicked it's ass" I wanted so bad to be able to hope it in to truth. When the nurse read the scan over the phone, even as she was saying it looks very promising and it is a great improvement, the words live cancer cells and chemo and all the tons of information being poured in to me about our next steps out weighed the moment I needed to be happy about the good stuff. I had to put that excited smile on and tell him all the positive and try to ease in to the rest so he got to have that feeling of happiness and accomplishment that was taken from me by the fast speaking nurse on the phone, but I don't think he had that moment either, he first asked if he still had cancer and if it has spread. She didn't mention any more tumors, but she did say several hot spots of live cancer cells were detected, but he is getting better and I want to focus on that. 

     I am the one who had asked Dr. Hadley if he would get to do any out patient chemo and he said he would see if he could adapt the regimen to allow that, he would not make that decision though unless it was in Michael's best interest though right? I am scared that something will happen and I will feel guilty for asking, I don't want him home if it means that something bad will happen. It was just a question. I trust that Dr. Hadley will make sure Michael is taken care of and he gets what he needs, he is an amazing caring, knowledgeable doctor. He saved his life and seems to have taken a personal interest in Michael’s battle, he calls Michael his miracle patient.

     Today Michael and I got in to our first real argument since cancer, this my friends is what has me up at 1:50 am writing on this damn page. I feel so guilty that I allowed this to happen, I have cried over it and apologized and analyzed it to death. He is over it, I am not mad or anything just upset that we argued.

     He has been sitting around the house not doing much since he has been home, I figured he needs his rest and he is doing the best thing, taking it easy and I have waited on him hand and foot. I want to be there for him and I want to take care of him, but am I? I am trying, but I didn't realize that maybe I was being to easy on him. He was walking down the hall the other day and his legs gave out, that was my first sign, the first alarm that something is wrong, he is losing not only his strength, but his muscle tone in his legs, He has barely moved in 2 months if you think about it and when he does it takes him days to recover. I have also noticed lately that he has kind of become a shell of himself, he has no passion any more, good or bad, he don't get as angry or loud as he once did (normally I would not complain about this) he also has had no desire to have fun, other than the wii he has not done anything entertaining and I can't even tell you the last smile I saw on his face, seriously, I can not remember I have tried. When I look in his eyes, there is something missing.

Bare with me, I am getting to the argument.

So I decided I am going to dish out some tough love and try to get him out of this funk and help to improve not only his emotional health, but physical health because it is deteriorating and it is related to his emotional self as well as his treatment.

I set up for orientation at Gilda's Club and we went a few other places today also. The plan was to just go to Gilda's, but I didn't get anything from him there, the only thing he said the whole time we was there was the answer to a trivia question "does anyone know who Gilda is" and for those of you who know Michael know that it is just in his nature to know the answers to questions. He liked it there and wants to become a member which we have an appointment to do on Monday, but no smile, no conversation, no real expression of anything and I am sure some of you are saying "well it was not anything to jump up and down over" True that, but while we were doing the orientation and walk through the kids were doing a drum circle, they were banging on those drums and having a blast, just the two of them for most of the tour, you could hear them all over the building drumming and laughing, still nothing from him, Folks my husband is a drummer, pre cancer he would have loved that he would have gotten so in to that and he probably would have ditched me during the orientation to go and bang on the drums with them. He would have been talking to them about it and giving them insight on drumming and probably telling them that those were not real drums, real drums have a cymbal or something completely drummer, but I got nothing, they got nothing, but "are you ready to go".

     I felt defeated, not for me, but for him, he is defeating himself. So I asked if he was up to staying out a while and he said "I don't care" so we did and all morning nothing, he has quit enjoying life and how is he going to fight for something he don't enjoy anymore, he needs passion to fight. I have a plan, but it has to wait a little while longer due to finances, but something has to give, he has to help me help him. I am dying on the inside, I need to laugh, I need to have fun WITH HIM. I need to know that he is still in there some where so I fight with him, actually it was not planned or on purpose, but I realized why I did it as soon as I realized what I was doing. I took the first opportunity to argue, yell and cry, why, well I think in part I was angry at him for leaving me, he has mentally and emotionally checked out lately and I sit up and morn the loss of someone who is still here and that sucks! Something amazing happened though, he yelled back, he got mad and as nuts as that may sound it made me happy on the inside, but I was still pissed on the outside. He showed some emotion, some fire in the belly and it was great! I just wish I had not gotten it from him that way, I am honest it was an accident, I didn't fight with him to get that fire, at least not consciously, but it did.

     When we got home he was still mad at me, I could tell even though he said he was not. I didn't do or say anything to bad, but I did let out some pent up emotion and from there I have cried all day. I don't usually let the kids or even him see me cry, no like that, or even let some of the things I said out of my head and across my lips, I let some of those fears out and I told him I was angry at him and why!

I spent the rest of the evening apologizing and feeling guilty as hell for it, he has been very affectionate though and that felt good, so I don't know if I accidentally helped him because I got mad that I couldn't help him, time will tell, but I do know he needs to fight and for that he needs to want to live and to want to live he needs passion.

He let some things out also, it was all about people who let him down in life and now, it was a lot of raw feelings of discontent for people who have hurt him. He is angry, but it is not at me and he is holding it in, he is hurt, but not by me and he is holding it in. He wants to forget the people who he feels are not worth his tears and I am not one of those people. Guess though who is living with the consequences of their actions though, the one who has lost a part of the man she loves, the person who loved him before cancer and was there before cancer, the person who has been there since the first day of diagnosis and every day since, the person who will be there after cancer and for all days of our life is the one who is morning the loss of someone who is alive and in the same house. I am being punished for something I didn't do. All I can say is it wasn't me, but go ahead and let me have it, I am here and I love you!