Try (Just a little bit harder)

Try oh yeah, hey, try oh yeah, Lord, Lord, Lord,
Try oh yeah, try oh yeah, Lord, Lord, Lord,
Try oh yeah yeah, try, whoa, try oh yeah, Lord, Lord, Lord,
Push, work, push, work, oh yeah, try, oh yeah hey!
Try oh yeah, hey try oh yeah,
Try Lord, try, try, you ain't trying man
You're not trying out man, come up with it.
Come on, that's a wanker that listens to words, man.
Hey you gotta work all night
Hey little girl, gotta push on
You gotta need
Work a little more, hey, try a little more,
Need a little more
Yeah, work on, push on, move on, move on,
You gotta work for it, you gotta work on it
Push on, need on, move on,
Move on, hey hey hey. ~ Janis Lyn Joplin

       This is what I do every day, try, just a little harder, what happens when you run out of "little bit" when you reach that climax of try and you don't know how to try any harder. We are approaching 2 months, on Jan 6th 2011 it will have been 2 months since we walked in to the ER arguing over how he didn't need to go, on Jan. 7th 2011 it will be 2 months since he said to me that if I had not made him come he would not be going through this. That is right January 7th is 2 months since this monster came in to and ripped our lives apart. 2 exciting months of fear, uncertainty, doctors, medications, sleeplessness, worry, downs, country music and Janis Joplin simply put HELL! 2 months since things were normal, fun was had, we felt safe, a day went by when the word cancer was not in our every day vocabulary. 2 months,  aprox 8 weeks, 58 days, 1392 hours, 83520 minutes, but who is counting?

     I have learned a lot, thought a lot, found some true friends and lost a few as well. I have grown as a person, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter and sister. Ask me though what I know however, that is a different question all in it's own right there. I don't know anything! I think that is what has me awake right now, typing this and again crying while the loves of my life are quietly sleeping in there beds, George Lopez plays silently on the tv and Pandora (internet radio) toggles between old country and yes you guessed it Janis Joplin.

     I don't know what is going to happen; I have no idea what to do next. I have no idea what my next move is, is the glue that is holding it all together also know as me going to come unglued. I am manufacturing my own glue after all and I have no idea how strong the hold is or if it is flood proof. This glue of mine is great for holding together the outside, except for at night or anytime I am alone, but the inside is all broken and crumbling. Sometimes I can close my eyes and see it all coming apart, when I close my eyes it is like I am falling off, well the earth and I keep waiting for the smack and sometimes I fear that the smack is right below me and I flinch in the form of misplaced anger or outbursts, but than I continue to fall, but only on the inside. On the outside it feels more like slow motion, like in the movies, just before the crash. Maybe that is what is keeping things together, the slow motion out there and the super fast falling in here some how cancel each other out and I catch my self, but what if I don't. If the outside speeds up or inside slows down than disaster strikes. ( no I am not nuts, just processing, remember this is my therapy and free therapy is, you know the expression, you get what you pay for, enough said)

     People who mean well, and who are concerned, and who want to help keep asking me questions and I don't know the answers, I am hoping that it will all just work out if I keep trying, just a little bit harder. I try to trust that all the questions will be answered when it is time, like when am I going back to work, when is Michael going back in to the hospital, what am I doing to do this time while he is in the hospital, do I need anything, I mean they are all reasonable questions, I just don't know the answers. I know that things seem to be working so far and I have not fucked it up, but I could any day now. I know that some days it appears things are in place and running smooth and other days it appears that I have no idea what I am doing. Both are true, things are working some how, but I still have no idea what I am doing.

     Ok enough of that topic lets move on to the next. I am less emotional about it all, I don't cry as much and some showers are just showers and not just a place to go and cry. I can talk about it with out tearing up on most days; I can joke and use humor to get through some of the bad days instead of sorrow or anger. This sounds good right, it sounds like I am accepting this and dealing quite well and healthy, but I have to tell you folks, it feels much more like numbness than acceptance to me. I don't want to become numb, emotionally numb during the most emotional time in my life, this could be the thing that makes me full on emotionally retarded, my ex husband came close to accomplishing that goal, but Michael saved me, who will save me this time. I don't think anyone can, there is so many emotions my mind is starting to block out.

     That is one thing I have always hated about myself, I can block most anything out, it took some years and some tears to develope that skill, but I have and in great part my dad is who I owe that to. He is not the sole contributor, but the one repeat offender that allowed me all the practice I needed to perfect this skill. This talent of mine I speak of is one I try not to use often, I don't want to be numb or block my feelings, I like the passionate person I really am, but it is like, ummm, ok my emotional nervous system is a alcoholic, a horrible drunk, Tequila! I am not an alcoholic so don't go pulling together an intervention or anything, it is a metaphor. A drunk don't drink because they like it, they drink to cope, they can not handle reality so they drink it away, my brain does that with my feelings, when they get to be to much sometimes it just numbs them.

     I know I am not completely numb because there are nights, like this one when the emotion is over whelming and I am sure it was triggered by him not feeling well today when the last week he has felt ok and been kinda normal. Next time though will I get emotional or will I figure out how to block this out to, I know the tequila is not working, but I did spend a good part of my youth in Hazard Kentucky, so there is always moon shine, I could numb this, I don't want to though because I am scared that I may not be the same if I do, but when will that defense mode kick in, when will my drunk ass emotional self pour my feelings a good ole glass of 100 proof. I don't want to feel this way, emotional, scared, hurt, angry, heavy, but I don't want to be numb to it either and I would rather ride this out than to lose us. Yeah that is what it comes down to, I am afraid of losing us, not just him anymore, but us. Not just am I scared of him dying and I know we are not splitting up (sorry to those of you who was hoping on that last part), but what if we are never the same again, better would be good, but worse, it scares me.

     What I mean by worse is this, things are not the same, he is sick and I am scared and I treat him different, I look at him different, I touch him different, I hold him different, (cover your eyes grandma and mom) I make love to him different. Just like tonight, he wanted to make love to me, but I gracefully played the "I have a headache card" that us girls are so famous for, why, because he was not feeling well today and I was scared, this is not news to him for those of you who are thinking "she is writing this, don't she know he will read it" I told him what I was feeling, he got it and he went to sleep. I didn't want him to get it, I wanted him to be mad at me or push like he would have before, like you guys are famous for. We have changed and I want to know if we will come out of this ok, if we will come out of this us. I know the love will always be there, I know that we will always be together, I know that he will forever be the one I want and need, but will I ever not be scared of him again. I mean when we beat this, will I stop being scared because I have already jumped ahead to will it come back.

I have no idea what I just wrote, I just wrote and felt and cried and that is what I needed to do is just feel and write and cry. I went back and read it though which I usually don't do and it makes sense to me and what I have learned from reading my insanity is I am not drunk yet and I have to relearn how to allow my self to feel, I don't know how I will do that and I know many of you will be on that journey with me as I learn. All I do know for now is  I just have to try, just a little bit harder to trust my self and that is better than knowing nothing.