Don't fight the change, be the change

I know it's not over yet, but this has been a hell of a year, it's gone by fast and hard. I am left still with so much unfinished business and I need to close this shit.

I have friends again, something I totally took a break from and it feels good. Ppl I talk to daily and share with and love, most of them are forever far away, but I fucking love them and appreciate them. I lost a lot of people when Mike got sick, cool, I get it, to much, than when Aunt Janet died depression finished off the rest. I just quit wanting to be close to people because it fucking hurts. I learned after loosing PA, the only dad I could ever count on and loved me unconditionally that it doesn't matter how hard you try, you can't protect yourself from that kind of hurt and decided to try opening back up. I started being myself again and ppl like me, not all of them but the ones that count. I just thought I was a bad friend for a long time, but maybe I am not, maybe I just quit being me and loving me and as my girl RU says "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else" Rupaul is the shiz those are the deepest words right there.

Shine was a turning point for me on this one, I got as much out of that trip as Meredith did, I had fun with the kids and the adults, I let my hair down and let ppl get to know me again and it paid off. It was scary and I went back to the hotel and cried a lot, but not because I was upset, but because I missed just being myself, not a cancer wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, but Stefanie the person. I have reached out to a few old friends who I lost because of me not because they weren't there and Lilia, Mo, Tracy, the original Stephanie Thomas we are going to start hanging out again, you are my girls. Life gets busy but dammit we need time for being women, individuals.

Also with growth comes letting go of negative ppl and things in life and that has been a big growth for me this year, I have cut a lot of crap out of my life and that has made room for me to find myself again, sorry but if you just drain me and add nothing than I can't. If I can't be happy with you in my life than I choose me. This has been the hardest for me personally because I want to be there and help and support and love, social worker mentality dies hard. My kids need those parts of me so buh bye. Even though it still hurts sometimes, I am a better mother, wife, friend, individual for it. These people never put me ahead of their baggage even when I needed it most. I only took 2 kids to raise, the rest are bonus.

There are some ppl I have built healthier relationships with like my brother, my grandma, my Aunt, my mother, being happy with me helps me not to feel undeserving and less than so I can appreciate our differences and love them as me instead of who I think they want or need me to be.

My husband, he will forever be my best friend, I got stuck for a long while in being a cancer wife and not a wife, things were not bad, but not fulfilling either, we were just going through the motions so I did what I do when I don't know how to express my feelings and picked a fight. It was not a normal fight though, I in his words, went crazy, yes his dumbass called a woman crazy when she was angry lol but I didn't just fight with him, I made him hear me and I vented out my frustrations, not with him but what cancer took from him and I as husband and wife, I for the first time put it all out there and fully expecting it to end bad, it instead changed things, we were able to realized we were both feeling and needing the same things just both to afraid to lay them out there because there is that fear of loosing that comfort or finding out you aren't in love anymore. We found that we are still very much in love and just needed to cut the BS and say what we needed and how we felt. The tension is gone, the comfort is gone but in a good way, we are us again, silly, passionate and carry the stress together again.

My church family and God, I got lost for a while, in my faith and in feeling deserving of their love. I was angry at God, I was angry at things at church, but instead of facing it just isolated, I am good at that, but then God kicked me in the ass and reminded me what that family means to me. I love you all, I can always count on you all, when I fall there is always one of you there to catch me even when I don't let it be known that I need you. God kicked me in my ass through my Pastor, who is by far the best person I know in this world. She didn't get on me, she didn't push me, she just kept up with me, a card in the mail, constantly commenting on my post "I miss you" "We missed you today" with out fail on almost everything I said on FB, not with judgment or condemnation but with love, finally hit me that it wasn't just words, she did miss me and so did God. See Sherry Roby and God were both gently reminding me of my worthiness and Gods forgiving love. One day I heard them and started working on fixing that relationship. Now you all know I am not s perfect Christian, I don't fit in a religious box, but my God, My Pastor, My church isn't about being Christian, they are about being God like and meeting and loving you where you are at. For this I am thankful. I smoke, I cuss, I get angry with God often, but that is where I am growing from, I went backwards after Mike got sick again. I allowed some people who were not God like to hurt me and I accepted that for gospel. Once I got it together though my church family and my God was there. Our first lady too, I can't forget her, she made a constant presence on social media because that is where I was at. I am good being a work in progress, when we stop being in progress we just stop.

So what got me to these bad places, mostly my unwillingness to see my own worth. I was thinking in terms of not having enough money, my health not allowing me to be as involved as I want, being convinced that I was just not able to offer anything to others and not wanting to be a drain on others, a burden, feeling unequal while fighting for equality. The devil telling me I was not good enough. I am not sure how my changes came to be exactly, I see a lot of post saying things like "be the change you want to see" and "you have to make changes to be change" ect, but I didn't set out to change, I just did, I started making changes out of necessity, not necessarily conscious on many of them, some very precise and necessary. The more I started taking care of me and seeking happiness, the more things started to change. I didn't just change me, I just quit fighting myself and allowed myself to be again.

Not that I write much anymore, but why do I share these personal things, simply because they are part of me and I am not ashamed and maybe I will one day help someone else be ok with who they are. Stop fighting your changes and embrace them loves, but ppl out, be open to new ppl, let God lead the dance.

 

Ponder This🤔

This will be a whole lot of crazy, I will warn you now, so buckle up, because it’s the law, but if you are driving a motorcycle no need for a helmet because that is not! This is pondering of the great questions of the world or at least my world. The big questions that keep me thinking and praying like why do people assume we are all on equal footing, the mentality of, if I can than you can all the way to the seemingly menial stuff such as how would anyone know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, can anyone actually, lick, count and not end up biting the dang thing on purpose or accident. Just saying, I know you can find the answer to this on the internet, but seriously, it must have been a mathematical conclusion because I just don’t think it is really humanly possible. I write this while biting into a lemon head, just saying.  

I will start off with some light stuff such as, how does a “keep off the grass” sign get on the grass? I mean obviously someone put it there I would assume, but from the start the rule is being broken and a bad example set. I don’t know how light this one is because it really gets me in a frenzy, but when you’re at the movies, which arm rest is yours? Is there a right answer and does that answer change if you are left handed? Here is one I face almost every day! Why do people push the elevator button more than once, do they think it will speed up the elevator or perhaps they think the light indicates that your message was not received and it is merely a request to try again? While on the topic of elevators WHY WHY WHY when the thing is almost empty do you not hold the elevator for the person who is just barely behind you, ever think the difference that can be made in a person’s day just by getting on the first elevator and maybe throw in a “have a good day” while you’re at it? Changing the world, changing people, making things better for the ones we leave behind can be obtained or at least helped along by pondering the little things. Changing the way we think, for instance, when driving, I am guilty too, if someone speeds up, passes me, keeps me from merging they are an asshole and are holding me up, if they are slower than you, follow traffic rules they are a moron and holding you up also. So is there really a winner in this situation if you don’t change your mindset. Again just me pondering some of the life questions that keep me up thinking at times, you will get no answers from me or judgment. If I had the answers this would be a much different entry.

Now Nature vs. Nurture? This one drives me nuts, having a son who was raised by a man that didn’t contribute to his DNA, I see so much of both men in him though he has only been raised by one. I don’t know which one has the most baring on a child, shapes who there are, plays the biggest part. What I do know is that STARWARS, YES STARWARS is nature, it is embed, it is born, my son is living proof of this so I can’t tell you nature vs. nurture but I can tell you that if you make a child with a STARWARS loving parent, that child will also like, love STARWARS, no matter how much you nurture them not to!!!

 Another one that keeps me thinking in my bed or recliner instead of sleeping is “what am I the most grateful for”? Goodness, my kids, but which one if it is only one thing, Mike’s health? Well that would mean that I am grateful for some part of cancer because if I had not almost lost him would this even be in the running? My grandparents because they shaped who I am, who I am made all these other things possible, but without being created and birthed so my parents but then again my mom wouldn’t be here without being created and born so that brings me back to my grandparents?!? I don’t know, just thinking out loud, ok that was on purpose, is it thinking out loud if I am doing it in written word? Also coming back to parents, my bio dad, ugh, just NO, he doesn’t love me, it hurts me, it hurts my kids, but there was a time when he was a good dad, brief but it is in my memory and at times makes me think fondly, which always brings me back to hurt so my next question is, is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all or to put it better,  know someone and lose them or never know them at all? Does it depend on the person in question and the person asking or is there a general answer and how can you know if you never knew them and by then it is too late because you know them so there is no unknowing them. See this is hard stuff.

Now to lighten it up again because I don’t want anyone’s mind to explode or implode or for them to bang said head on a wall because of this entry so my next one is kinda strange, but it really could be important one day to someone, how do you handcuff a one armed man? Do you cuff him to something or to his leg or what if he was a she, it doesn’t change the answer but we often use HE instead of SHE when talking in general or hypothetic terms because MAN good, Woman less good. This one though, this one “If you could start over, what would you change” I hear this asked all the time and all I can think is WHO has the energy to start over and do this again, not me, if I had the option to start over I would probably pass unless I could know then what I know now, then maybe I could make some changes, but seriously, no, no energy to even think about this question, even think of a redo, so how could I redo and make changes so just ignore that previous statement, the answer is NO. Then there is the question of “if you had one wish” ok, now we all say something noble, but who would really use it for world peace because likely the world peace would not last, I think I would be selfish and go with money, why? because we have all heard money can’t buy happiness, that may be true but I know I could help so many people with that money that would not be helped by me using it to fix problems that will become problems again.

 A few more for fun, I could do this all day, I really could. Is it easier to be loved or love? Dang now that is a hard one. I think to be loved, but that is just one old ladies opinion, it’s not fact or an answer, just my opinion. Loving comes easy to me, but being loved is hard for me, I tend to skate around it and hardly ever let anyone see me, my raw self, I struggle after 15 years to even lay my head upon my husband’s shoulder and cry or express vulnerability and isn’t love a lot about vulnerability? Speaking of love, What terrifies you the most? Not about love, but life in general, is it possible to answer? I would imagine that even if I said, then something worse could still happen, something scarier and then I would think I conjured it up because I am nuts, honestly you must have at least figured that out by now lol.

This will be my last paragraph, I know you all have better things to do than follow me on this tangent. So a fun one maybe is what you would title your life if it was a movie, not really asking, just asking. (Again I am nuts remember) Then this one that I thought of after watching 13 reasons, if you did a wrong act and no one was there to see it, is it still a wrong act? Now we are getting to the point of this rambling, the one with no point. Well is it? In order to fix this world folks we have to think, we have make choices and we MUST change how we think, how we think about the simplest things to the most though provoking like, is a terrorist just a terrorist or a freedom fighter, does it matter if we don’t agree? I don’t know all these answers and as I said most of them don’t even have a correct answer, this post was just to get you thinking, I think all the time. Talk less listen more from Hamilton, Talk less think more from Stefanie.

I am adding a paragraph because after rereading this entry I am not sure my vision for this entry was clear enough. Pondering? Thinking about situations, questions, people and life in general at times. Think of Christian, Muslim, LGBT, Straight, Race, Atheist, Democrat, Republican and on and on, there is no correct  or wrong answers to any of these categories either, just our perception and how we choose to react to our opinions and feelings that are charged just like some of my other examples above. How can a single one of us KNOW if something is right or wrong, we can only judge based on our own thought processes and prejudices so we do, but if you stopped to think, stopped to put yourself on the other side for a moment, stopped to think of the person behind the label does that, can that change your reaction, your hate, your anger. I think it can, we have become reactors instead of thinkers. Yes I said WE, I can tell you after the Orlando Massacre, and then the shootings by and of police all around and the kid and the alligator, my brain and heart exploded and I started ranting and cutting people away. I may not be able to understand all the hate, but I have to stop and look at the people behind it and see them as people just as I ask you to do. Stop and see those you hate or are against and see the person, if you are against a person than I guess you are something to ponder on your own.

 

<3

Caregivers Journey

I think about that day when cancer took away, our security, happiness all the things we had before. The fear inside my soul, the anger in my heart,  the things the kids would have to endure. I flashed regret for all our stupid fights, the times I said to go away while now I begged God to let him stay. Sitting by his bed wondering if he knew all the love I have for him even when we disagree, if he had to go would he ever know all that he means to me. Scared to ask the questions, maybe didn't want to know, the answers a heavy mystery. Living with uncertainty would soon become normal for this family.

I cry myself to sleep thinking about life with just me, I could never measure up to us. Two best friends, lovers, two people meant to be. I lay in our bed snuggled up with our kids feeling incomplete. Trying to hide the tears and my pounding heart beat. Never wanting to look weak. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

Sunrise, sunset, even when only the stars are awake he needs me. The hospital is where we live, we trade in the sound of kids playing and comedy on the TV for the deafening of the beeping IV. People come and people go forgetting this is the only life we now know. Kids look forward to weekends only for visits and hospital food. Wash your hands, don't be to loud, the medicine makes him sick. I know it's hard to comprehend he has to have it to feel well again. I know you understand, it's still not fair I miss our family all together too. We will see you soon, never forget Daddy and Mommy love from the earth to the moon.

I cry myself to sleep there is only one of me and I need two. One for him and one for them. I try so hard to be it all, do it all,  can't let even one of them fall. I lay awake and weep for the memories I want to make instead of the struggles and the smile I fake. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

Happiness now is the days he gets to spend at home. Excited and afraid, the family is together, I wouldn't call it bliss, no nurses or doctors a button a way, what if there is something I miss. Appointments, treatment, tests, out of the hospital and still no rest. Kids sleep at times in an emergency room chair, another transfusion, blood or platelets, oh look babe your getting some hair. Medicine refills, no money for bills. Yes my loves I can come to your festival at school, I promise I will try to take you to the swimming pool, I didn't forget I am just unorganized, no dad can't go his immune system is still compromised. All the fighting to live for his kids and his wife, then he breaks me by trying to take his own life.

I cry myself to sleep, I am not as strong as they think at all. If I was, why do I lay here at night and bawl.  Would they all still love me if they knew my wonder woman act was not real. A mom, a wife, a caregiver, stress is what I feel. I can't think only act and nothing I do is based on fact. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

It's been 2 years now living in heartbreaking cancer hell. We get good news they don't see one active cancer cell. Doc says treatment has to stop, another year of maintenance chemo was planned. The benefits however don't out weigh the risk at hand. Remission, a loaded word but we know the definition. He is better, only they say his health will stay in bad condition. We know it's a blessing, a real life miracle before our eyes. We are expected to be happy the cancer it was defeated. It's hard for people to understand that we still feel cheated. There is no going back to the way things were, life after cancer can never be like it was before.

I cry myself to sleep, even now no sobbing to sleep transition. I should be felling better the cancer is in remission. You can't understand the heaviness of my heart. This journey is more like a raging storm that tore our world apart. Rebuild after this, I don't know where to start. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

It's been 3 Novembers now, living paralyzed with fears. We will make that giant milestone in just two more years. Monthly doctors visits, scans have been all great. We had a margarita party we were ready to celebrate. Having that party to soon was a big mistake. That year was filled with gut wrenching heartache. It broke his spirit when we lost mamaw, saying good by was so hard. We also lost 3 beautiful friends, all this loss caught us off guard. Why does god take the good people my daughter asked leaving hospice care, I didn't know how to answer why god took Aunt Janet instead of answering my prayer. Losing her, a piece of my broken heart did wilt, at that moment in the hall is when he and I discovered survivors guilt.

I cry myself to sleep, Will this unrest end before my heart stops beating? This monster in my life is so defeating. Cancer took all these angels away, from their loved ones who watched them fight for life every day. I have prayed, pleaded and tried to understand what the purpose of all this in my life. When I was a little girl I didn't dream of being a cancer wife. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but show the must go on.

Last year was impossible how much more could we take? There was no more pieces big enough to brake. Our heart had been broken, then shattered, We looked to God again to be the glue as the pieces we gathered. It took some time for God to heal our hearts amen, but just like before we found our happy again. After all until now all his blood counts were stable. Yes until now, to tell my kids again, would I be able? This time chemo won't help him get well, the only thing that could save him was donor stem cells. We fought blood cancer, we walked with LLS only to find out that the treatment caused him to have MDS. What in the world was this he had wrong, a bone marrow disorder and this new journey would be long.

I cry myself to sleep, I can't go another round. I pray to God above on my knees on the ground. I told him, Lord Jesus I am so angry with you, I don't understand your plan, I don't understand how strong you think I am, I can't do this again, you can't think that I can. I am not as strong as thee, you are Mighty God and I am just me. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

Bone marrow biopsies, weekly blood test, he gets sicker and sicker, no time for rest. More time away from the kids they are devastated, but we are all happy that he has had healthy stem cells donated. We pack our bags while talking about funeral arrangements and what I will do if he don't make it home. I have not fought with him this long and hard, to lose the love of my life to myelodysplastic syndrome. Five long weeks at Markey, chemo, throwing up, diarrhea, swelling, dementia, no smoking and then he tried to die in front of my eyes. It's not the first time he tried to leave me, he previously had 6 other tries. Now I know he didn't try to leave I just speak how I feel, If he ever left me unwillingly how would I deal.

I cry myself to sleep, I want to go home with my kids I can't take it here I am spent. I am here in a room, no Aunt Janet to vent. She was my rock and solo cheerleader, now she is gone and I really need her. With her I was me, didn't feel I had to pretend to be strong. I didn't even have to speak and she knew what was wrong. I don't take for granted there were many who care, Lisa and Karen I know god sent you there. Mom did her best at home to fill my place, it was hard on her keeping up my pace. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

Finally we make it back safe and sound, after miscommunication and the correct blood counts were found. So far he's alive and doing okay, we are finding a routine, living day to day. Ups and downs are part of the path, so many pills, finally got rid of the tricath. Many days he is sick  as hell and others he is doing well. I must go to work because we need to survive, the kids need to eat so even though he shouldn't he has to drive. I will never not think about the mess cancer has made, I will never feel secure or not be afraid. I don't want him or any one at all to think I wrote this to complain. I love him forever and having him here is worth all the pain.

I cry myself to sleep, it has become a routine, the kids are now twelve and fifteen. When he got sick they were seven and ten, but this is now and that was then. So much energy and time has been used, while cancer made me hurt and feel abused. I have withdrawn from some of life and people I love a bunch, because I wanted to just stop losing those I people to cancer so much. I hoped it would work, no I couldn't keep it at bay , because now despite my efforts it's trying to take my grandpa away. Mornings come, the evidence is gone, another night with tears instead of sleep but the show must go on.

Strength and Faith

Not a day has gone by since we found out that Mike has secondary MDS that I have not cried. I have cried tears of fear, tears of happiness at a remembered memory, tears of confusion and tears of sadness. I have cried because of a song that played and because I lay next to him in bed knowing that there may be a day in the nearer future than I am prepared for that I don’t get that privilege.  I cry so my kids don’t have to and so they can, so they can feel secure. They have to know they are not alone, if they see nothing but strength how will they know it is ok to be scared, confused, sad, and even happy. Some people see this as weakness or a lack of faith. Since this show of emotion is out of my control I don’t believe that. It is just how my spirit is processing and preparing for the fight ahead, my tears cleanse my spirit so that I have the strength to get him through the fight we are getting ready for; I will need to be his rock, his cheerleader and his shoulder so I need to deal with my feelings now. So this does not make me weak it is the process of making me stronger. I also don’t see this as a lack of faith, I trust my God, I lean on my God, my God is who I cry too, but to trust God is also to trust his will and to know that his will may not be the same as mine, he may need my best friends for something that I don’t understand leaving me here to grieve his loss and to pick the pieces up and put them back together so rather I see my tears as a confirmation of faith. God’s will is not always answered prayers. If I told you that I trust God will save Michael’s earthly life I would be lying to you, I do believe that his will is going to be done and that he will make the best decision for the love of my life and that gives me some peace, but it still causes human and spiritual emotions that I cannot just turn off.

                I also want to say something about marrying your best friend, when you marry your best friend you have something precious it is a different love but also deep friendship, intimacy, a level of knowing each other that is hard to describe, honesty, vulnerability, trust. Michael is truly the only person in this world who knows me inside and out and me him, he is the only person I fully trust on this earth and there is no one else I can be myself around like I can him. He knows all my funny secrets and all my serious ones. He could ruin my street cred with one Facebook post lol I have been told by other friends or just people I have come in contact with that it is weird that I always “got” to have Mike with me or that I don’t like to do things without him. First I don’t “got” to have him with me, I enjoy having him with me no matter what I am doing and have since our first date.  Don’t get me wrong, I have my girl time, but I don’t need to go without him to enjoy myself, whenever I have gone out without him I feel the absence and usually call him anyway lol. We disagree, and often, because we are both hard headed, but I can count on one hand the number of times we have fought, or really gotten mad at each other. People sometimes think we are upset at each other or in a fight because of how we talk to each other but it is just us, I am his bitch and he is my asshole. His oldest sister once said that I was a female Michael, I didn’t appreciate that at the time lol but I do now. I have spent 13 years with my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life, we have had downs don’t get me wrong, there was one time in our marriage that we were at a cross roads, however we decided we were worth fighting for and we just needed to be reminded of who we were together and eliminate the people in our life that were trying to tear us down as a family. I know some can relate to this as they are also married to their best friend, and others cannot relate. Let me tell you it is amazing to build a life with your best friend, I would not trade it for anything in the world and I feel so lucky. I, however also have a lot to lose if God’s will is to not my will, I will lose a big piece of my heart and myself that can never be replaced a one of a kind love.

These are things that have been on my mind the last few days and I will likely be blogging more as we go through this journey, even though I want to blog all the time I am usually more driven when something big is going on in my life. I share my journey as a caregiver a wife and a mother because I know that others go through some of the things I do. Maybe someone will read one of my posts and not feel so alone. Also I hope that some of my posts make others think and maybe be able to relate more and possibly know better how to respond, or at least understand those in their life that may be facing something. Everything is not as simple as “have faith” or “be strong”, just because someone may not fit into a box of what one thinks faith and strength look like doesn’t mean they are not strong or trusting God.

Grief and growth

This has been a very long and difficult year. I have had many sleepless nights much like this one. This has been a year of loss, depression and even growth. We lost Mamaw, Aunt Janet, Sandra and Eric this year and our friend Ralph in Germany is not doing so well and we may never get to see him again. I call that a bad year and I have said so many times I just want to put this year behind me and start the new year. What really does that mean though, when the new year is here that won't give back the ones we lost and it won't magically make things feel better or normal. What I really wish is that we could go back some years, there are some things I would change, I would tell people I loved them more often, I would be there more often and I would know what to do instead of being shocked in fear watching a train slowly derail so many lives. Then again it would not change things and I would have to relive it all over again. I suppose only time and faith is going to heal the wounds that are left from a year like this. Maybe that is what I mean when I say I am ready for a new year.

I have battled depression in a pretty serious way this year and it has torn me down and over the last couple months I have started to rebuild, God and I that is, I can't do it alone. I have made a point while rebuilding to make sure those in my life know I love them more often and do things differently. I have taken more time to do things with love and purpose instead of trying to do so many things at once that I am just going through the motions. I want to be a better me through all this. I used to think that wearing myself out and staying so busy that I didn't have time for meaning and purpose was my meaning and purpose, but I know better now. I will take on what I can do, where God leads me and do it so that it not just enhances my quality of life, but others as well. I sent out Christmas cards this year for the first time in a very long time and I didn't do it because it was something that people do this time of year, I did it because my pastor spoke of getting ready for Christmas and not your tree and gifts but your Spirit, I took my time and wrote something in each card for the person I gave it to, in order to lift them up and it lifted me up as well, that is doing something with meaning and purpose, did I get a card to everyone I know, nope and I still have some to pass out, but I put myself in to the cards I could give out. May seem meaningless to some but to me it was something I did to get my Spirit ready for the season.

This has also been a year of growth and rebuilding some relationships. Aunt Susie, Tracy and her family, Uncle Jimmy, David and Mary, Tisha and her kids are people that have come back into our lives through the loss and those are new relationships to cherish and grow in and I am so thankful for that. Uncle Jimmy has been there a lot for Mike and I but our closest relationship was with Aunt Janet, she was the talker and easy to know and that is why I put his name in that list, learning and getting to know him and talk to him has been a new relationship, learning to have a relationship with Uncle Jimmy instead of Aunt Janet and Uncle Jimmy has been an adjustment and one of the hardest ones. Aunt Susie has been a god send, she has filled a little piece of the holes left this year and that is a big deal. Getting to spend a whole week with her even though Mike was sick, it was still a memory that will be with me forever. I got to know her and we got to drink lots of coffee while we spent time together. Ball games and time at the park, our first time ever picking someone up from the airport. All memories. Tracy, well I don't know what I would do with out having her back in my life, she is my cousin, but also my friend, we can talk and get it because we have both been through so much. She is an amazing soul. I have enjoyed not just getting her back but becoming part of her family, watching her kids play ball, seeing my kids with their cousins playing and laughing. Tish, I have not go to know her much even though we have lived next door for over a year but I hope that changes even though she is moving, hope we get to be part of this new chapter in her life. I have gotten to know her kids well however and they are amazing and have helped to heal my kids. being so close with their cousins and having that bond, that now unbreakable bond was also sent from God, he knew what this family needed. When Elizabeth, bubbers, Trenton and Alyssa come over it fills the house with noise and love and laughter and I have so enjoyed the evenings with these kids. Again these are all memories and nothing can take those away, they can't be bought or sold. David and Mary came over when Susie was in town and we had a cook out, there was only a few of but we had fun, talked, laughed and got to know these 2 amazing people as more than just Michael's cousins and I look forward to getting to know them better.

Old relationships are something else I am looking forward to this year coming up, the past year I have lived in my own world in many ways but as I rebuild who I am and want to be this is also an area I am working on. Staring with my mom, I can say now that I have the relationship with her that I always wanted and that is amazing, I know she is there for me and my kids on all levels. She never lets a day go by that she don't check on us or send me a text telling me she loves me and she may not think I notice or care because I don't always respond but it means the world to me to have her in my life in such a positive way. My mother and I have been through a lot of ups and downs, but part of growth is seeing people for who they have became and who they are instead of holding on to the past. I love you mom! My friend Lilia, she must really love me, I have not been the best friend I want to be to her but she is my best friend and is always there for me, sometimes we don't talk for months and then it is like we. never missed a beat. She always knows when I need a pick up or help or a smile. I hope she knows I am here for her also, she is such a strong loving kind soul, she knows how to make a person feel special. We always laugh, cry and laugh some more. Well I cry, she listens. I love you Lilia! My sister, even our relationship has grown and now I know she knows that I love her and am here to help her through life not to judge her even if she makes it hard sometimes lol. This has been a big year for her in her life and I hope I have done a good job as a sister and she now knows and sees I love her and her kids and I always want the best for them. We are both a work in progress and we will reach our goals together. My friend April, I love you and we are going to get together and catch up. I miss our time together. My brother, we have always had a good relationship I think, we don't talk much but when we boy we talk and I hope he knows I am always here for him and his family also. I love him so much and I am proud of the man he has became. His daughter is a spit fire and I love spending time with her and I hope to be a bigger part of her life as she grows.

These are people I left out but know that I love you all too, it is getting late and I have to be at work early. I will end by saying, again this is just my ramblings and I guess me working out and processing this year and the one to come as it grows near. My husband Michael is the love of my life and our kids complete me. Nothing has ever changed there or will and as long as I have them, I can get through anything and everything. This year I also have God, he was always there but I didn't always care like I do now. So I guess what I hope someone may get out of this is stop to smell the roses, years come and go just as people do, you never know who you will lose in the journey of life so don't have regrets and don't take people or memories for granted. Take time to make the memories and allow people to enhance your quality of life as you enhance theirs.

Peace and Love,
Stefanie

Follow the yellow brick road

So I woke up around 5am after a restless sleep, but I didn't wake up like I usually do, which is thinking. I usually wake up already in thought and lay here thinking about any random thing that pops in my head, good, bad, funny, sad, there really is no specific thing that keeps me awake most nights. This morning was different, I woke up crying, now I am human, I do cry, I tear occasionally, mostly in the shower so no one really knows. At church I used to cry a lot until God took away those tears and put his arms around me. When I cry it could just be a flow of tears, a few tears or a mild emotional cry and complain to Michael about what ever is "making" me cry. This was different though, this was, as my friend Mo would put it "a snot cry" this was truly an emotional burst of feeling, stress, fear and sadness that my inner self could no longer carry, It lasted for over an hour, my crying usually last a couple minutes or at worst a full shower.

I have not blogged in some time because I usually make someone mad or hurt their feelings even though it really isn't about them it is about me having an outlet for my feelings, I am writer that is how we process feelings. I share them because my life has to mean something, the things I have been through has to mean something to someone other than me, I fantasize about my experiences helping someone else cope, learn or simply not feel as alone as I often do. So in short, who ever takes this personal, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I am going to get personal as usual, I am not asking for anyone to DO anything, I don't want people to FEEL bad for me. As for what I do want out of this is to feel a little better and maybe have a few people UNDERSTAND me.

Not sure where to start and get this out as quick as possible because I must get ready to take the kids to the "How to festival" at the Library, going to be good fun even if it is raining and I can't feed them lunch lol.

Most of you know things have been hard since Mike got sick, not just financially but emotionally. The family has come out ok, the kids are better adjusted then they should be in my opinion because they didn't only have to deal with cancer but crazy selfish people who made a choice to make our lives more stressful and difficult, but that is a few blogs back, back to present day  ;)

We have made it out alive so to speak, but there has been an OZ here, a person behind the curtain sacrificing and struggling, being afraid all the time and knowing how importation her job is, someone who gets things done, bills paid, kids listened to and emotionally taken care of, husband medicated, doctored up and kept healthy. There is a person who makes it all seem easy, that person I am sure you know is me. I am again not wanting pity or it to sound like I am complaining, just simply admitting it because this plays a role in  why I woke up "snot crying" this morning.

Lately things have seemed extra difficult, I have learned to trust god, for the most part, we struggle but we seem to get by, but some weeks, months, days I guess I kinda of wait for God to run out, now wait, don't take that wrong, I know my God won't give up on me or abandon me, but in my life experience before I found my relationship with god has been that you can't trust things or people because they typically don't care as much as you need them to, sometime this is because they just don't care and sometimes it is because they don't know how. Again not talking about anyone specific so please don't freak out and start sending me messages saying I was being mean to you or someone else when I said that, if you feel guilty or some kind of way, well that is not me talking but I will help you work it out if you need an ear. Point being is I guess I am still learning to trust GOD fully and sometimes that makes me feel like a bad person or not a true believer.

Recently someone else that I care deeply about has gotten sick, cancer has struck again, I am not going to blog about that, but that again left me feeling helpless and scared in many ways. Also this year my family lost my husbands grandmother to cancer and a friend of mine recently lost her battle with cancer. These are all difficult and added to my feelings and fears I think, even though I don't really talk about it.

Ok, so to the point because I must go shower and get ready to take these kids to learn how to do stuff. Well I have been dealing with some things myself but only because I have too, I prefer the ignore it, it will go away method when it comes to myself. I can't ignore this.

Some know the extent of the pain I have been dealing with for the last few years, but most don't, most know I have had some pain but most don't realize it has become such a large part of my life as well as other symptoms. Due to necessity, necessity being it affecting my job, I have had to start to seek answers to the multitude of symptoms I have been having. I was thinking they were all separate issues that I needed to address. Surprise I was wrong! During this need to get better journey I started with the pain because it was affecting my everyday life and ability to work. After an exam by a couple doctors and and MRI I have been diagnosed with Cervical spinal stenosis which was explained to me as a narrowing of the spinal canal, not operable and I will need pain management to help me and I don't know what that will consist of at this time because I have rescheduled the appointment twice due to being broke. It is what it is folks, having to choose between going to the doctor or buying food sucks, especially when you work 10 to 12 hours a day and pay 650 dollars a month for health insurance, but hey that is life. I thought ok, I will do some physical therapy and maybe take some meds and it will be ok. Well I decided to call and talk to the doctor because I still have all these other symptoms and I honestly wanted to find out if pain management was really necessary as my doctor is willing to write my pain meds every month (should have been my first clue these days) and I still don't know how I will afford the visits or what ever therapy they will do. Yep this is when it got real, the talk with the doctor and google of course.

Yes I have cervical spinal stenosis, something that you typically don't get until after the age of 50 and my symptoms started over 2 years before I seeked help because I was taking care of Mike, this meant I didn't have time for me and I thought my discomfort in my body was because I was pushing my self so hard to care for him and I was pushing my body so hard to care for the family. I figured I hurt because I lifted him, helped him and I was doing everything alone such as going to the store, cleaning, working, and cleaning was no easy task with a neutropedic husband in the house that could not tolerate germs because it could kill him. Ok so back to the point, I don't JUST have cervical spinal stenosis, I have Cervical spinal stenois and it is bad, it has already gotten to the point where my spinal cord is being compromised and thus causing the pain, it is bad guys. All of my current problems, well except my anxiety lol seem to be related to this one issue. I have been having trouble controlling my bladder, I have been running in to things a lot, even got my eyes rechecked, I trip over my own feet all the time, not just sometimes, I do it many times a day. I bump in to cubicles at work with my right arm, I am off balance a lot. I have extreme pain when I stand or walk for very long at all, I had passed this off solely to my weight. I have major muscle weakness in my arms and legs, it is very bad in my right arm, doctor said that that the reason my right arm is the worst is because I had injured it when we were moving from Raven to Shasta and it caused the symptoms to progress quicker on that arm. I could in reality with out help or maybe with, lose the use of my arms or even my legs. I working hard to do my part, trying to increase my exercise and movement and lose weight, but the rest is in the hands of doctors that I can't afford. The pain and muscle weakness scare me the most, some of the other stuff is embarrassing but not as scary to me. All of these things from my bladder to my balance are because of the spinal cord being compromised.

So why did I wake up snot crying, well because I feel alone, that is part of it, but mostly because I am scared, not for my health but for my family, I am the she-ra of this operation, if I fall we all do. Though we struggle often to buy healthy food (meaning food that is healthy for our bodies like not from a box) we eat, though we don't usually have money fun, we find ways to play, free events like the one I am running a risk of being late for today eeek, or we splurge and sacrifice food or gas to do something fun. We always pay our rent and car payment, though some months I wonder how. The point is we do it, BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND I KNOW THAT IS NO ONE BUT HIM, WE MAKE IT! However how do I chose between making it and taking care of me, because this is like the chicken and egg! If I don't take care of me I can't take care of us, but if I take care of me I can't take care of us. I am not asking for money or sympathy, there are people who need those things more than me, but I do need you all PRAY that I figure it out, but more IMPORTANTLY  PRAY that I can learn how to trust, trust my GOD to take care of me and the people that need me.

If I was a WIZARD

Eyes filled with tears, sitting across the kitchen table in his striped button up shirt and trademark fedora "I wish I had magic powers and could shoot magic in to daddy and make him all better, but I know that can't happen" these were the words of my 12 year old son as he starts to talk to me about his dads illness this evening. He tells me how he don't understand how the medications are making his dad so sick and that he thought medicine was supposed to make you better. He goes on to tell me that he had a bad dream and is afraid that it will be real "I dreamed that dad was getting chemo and he just passed out on the floor and died". His eyes welled up with tears as he expressed to me the weight of the fears he is carrying. "I see dad so sick a lot and I am afraid he will die, I don't want my dad to die" He tells me that he is scared his dad will get hurt because he needs a wheel chair. "I have seen dad fall down". He expresses that he loves his daddy and he don't want to go have fun if his dad can't fun with him. He misses the days when they could wrestle and go bowling. This just turned 12 year old little man who has had to endure more than most adults asks me if he can get a job and help me take care of dad, he tells me that he is afraid that if President Obama don't get re-elected that his dad won't have the insurance he needs and he wants to help me pay for his dads medications. I am heart broken that they will not have a good Christmas this year because I can not give them what I would like and he is worried about his dad not having medication and dying. Talk about perspective!

Below are pictures that Ethan drew for me in his new picture journal one is of how he see's cancer, it is the awareness ribbon draw as a devil and the second is of his dream that he had.

WHAT CANCER LOOKS LIKE TO ETHAN

ETHAN'S DREAM

Meredith sits puffed up at the table, joining the conversation nearing the end, I asked her if she had anything she would like to talk to about. She tells me NO! in a very stern manor, but with hurt behind it. I didn't want to push her, but I did tell her that it was ok if she wanted to talk and tell us how she was feeling or if she was carrying any fears. As she fights back fears she crosses her arms as to get her point across and tells me that she does not want to talk about it.

Once the conversation is over, hugs have been given, tears have been wiped and explanations to questions have been answered to try and ease the minds of the little people who know and carry so much despite the efforts to try to keep the fears and worry from them. I have them go take their showers and prepare for bed, this is when Ethan drew his pictures when he was in bed. Meredith comes in here and says "mom I need to tell you something, but I don't want Ethan to hear me" We secure the perimeter and assure he can't hear and she says to me "I have known since you told me that dad cancer that he could get another cancer and he could die" I just looked at her, not sure what answer she was wanting from me and waiting to see if there was more she needed to add. she then prompting me to confirm her statement said "well I am right aren't I" I explained to her that yes it could happen but if we spent our days worrying about all the things that could happen then we would miss all the good things that are happening. She told me that she guessed I was right, but how can she be happy when things are so scary. I told her that we just have to work at it together every day and make lots of good memories to last us a life time and that I believed that we would have a life time to make those memories. She gave me a big hug and went to bed.

I am not sure why these conversations came up this evening, I think maybe because we went to Gilda's and some emotions came up and also Michael was gone to the movies tonight instead of with us at Gilda's and when we got home all those emotions were there in a house with out dad and they felt like it was a good time to talk to me and for dad not to hear them. It is hard for the kids to open up for the same reasons it is for us adults to open up. If we speak it than it may just be real, if we admit our fears they could come true.

It has been a hard week, I won't deny that, but we have tried to carry that burden ourselves, the kids even spent the weekend with my mother so we could have the time we needed to get the emotions of the new worries we have. By the time we got home from Gilda's tonight I felt drained, not from Gilda's but the from the accumulation of the week, then talking about it, knowing I have to go back to work tomorrow when I am not sure I am want to face people or answer any more questions, Meredith throwing a fit in the car and acting out or reacting to feelings. I didn't think I had anything left in me to give until my kids needed me and at that moment I could have went all night comforting them, listening to them and doing everything in my power to make it better.

As I finish this entry Michael is in Ethan's room talking to him, When Michael got home I didn't tell Michael the conversation that I had with Ethan, I just told him that he needed to put on the dad hat and go give his son hug, I hear tears and I love you coming from both of my men and I hear comfort and encouragement from dad for Ethan not to hold in his feelings. I hear him explaining why his body is weak and hear a dad telling his son that he is not leaving him willingly, not in those words, but the point was there.

Now he is off to Meredith's room to tuck her in and tell her good night! She is already asleep!

No matter my fears or my struggles the most unfair is those of my babies who just want to feel safe again.