This has defiantly been a roller coaster ride with ups, downs, twists, turns, and loopdeloops. Trust me it is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when your seat belt snaps and you have to hold on so tight your knuckles bleed just to keep from falling off! I know I use a lot of analogies, but this is how I feel at the moment and I know there is someone who knows exactly that feeling I just described.
We have gotten a lot out of this journey, good and bad, and some that is yet to be determined. We have renewed our love and respect for each other, not that it was not there before, but it may have gotten a little lost in translation. Not taking each other for granted anymore, listening not just hearing, living in the moment, every moment because we don't know what the next one will hold. Instead of remembering the friendship and love and getting by on that we are defiantly living it again. I am grateful that we love each other so true, that is how we are making it, no doubt in my mind that is what has got us this far.
We went to Gilda's for couple’s night Thursday; it was just great, the connection and the laughter! There were these cards on the table, date night conversation starter type cards, so we decided to play along and read the questions and answer them. One of the cards said something to effect of "what do you love most about... “I wish I had kept that card, but I didn't. He says to me that he loves that I love him, he says he never felt anyone truly loved him until me and he continues to go in to details giving me some examples of why he feels that way, I will keep those to myself as they are not my memories to share, but this should have made me feel good, but it hurt me for him, it made me sad that he has truly felt so unloved and unwanted in life. He said to me that the only reason he fights is because of me and the kids and if it was not for us he would have no reason to go to treatment or fight. Again, didn't make me feel good, I am glad he wants to live for us, but I want him to want to live for him! I knew he had hurt feelings and had dealt with a lot of feeling through out his life, before me, and since me, but I didn't realize how deep some of these cuts are and so much more makes sense to me about his feelings and how stubborn he is being about some issues. I am glad I understand more, but I hurt more for him, the pain in his eyes is greater than it has ever been. He feels so betrayed, invisible and disappointed, just plain hurt and I can not take that away. No one can, this roller coaster has changed him more than many people realize, and I don't think he will ever forgive, forget, or find peace in peoples actions and feelings that arose in him because of those actions.
It is hard to find the positive in what he is going through emotionally, but I try, we try, we talk and we try. He feels stronger, he feels like he has found his voice in a family and world that has over looked his voice, they heard him in the past, it is hard not to, he is loud, but they never really listened to him and he finally feels he has made them listen to him, and he thought that this would mend some relationships and things would change once he was heard, but that is not the case and it is no longer what he wants. My husband is hard to get to know, he don't let many people in his heart, he don't let many people get to know him, really know him, I think I may honestly be one of the only people and perhaps Goi, who know who he is and can feel the person he really is. This is why I fell in love with him because I was able to get to know him, the amazing person he is, the humor, the love, the hurt, it is all who he is, but what most people get is the hurt, he protects him self from relationships that can hurt him, I get it. This is one reason I love that we found Gilda’s; he lets him self be him when we are there and he allows himself to connect with others. I never thought that would happen, but I am glad it has. I think part of the reason this experiment worked is because he found his voice, he has accepted that just because the people he wanted to listen didn't respond don't mean no one will. I am not sure what the point is to my rambling once again on this issue with my husband, but it is stuff on my mind and I am writer so I write and he will read and I think he will see that I get it even though I am not good at speaking it. Michael you are growing as a person because you feel free to do so, let it happen and don't fight it. The past is just that. I love you asshole!
Another thing he said to me regarding the same card and same question was that he loved how strong I was and how he wishes he was as strong as I am. He said that with everything I have been through in my life and with my family that I am strong and have been able to figure it out and make it work and still be strong. First of all my love YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I told you that and you said "you may be right" , no I am right. You are fighting the fight of your life, found your voice and still manage to make me feel like the most loved wife in the world. You are stronger than you have ever been! Second, I am not as strong as I appear, I am good at appearing to be strong, see pervious blog entries and I explain this. I know I am strong enough, but not as strong as you think I am or even as strong as I want to be. Just know that it is a work in progress and the only difference is that 1. I started my work before you did and 2. I am better at hiding my feelings and that, my love, is not a good attribute.
I have been told that we have so much on our plates and we are handling it so well, I agree that we do have a lot on our plates, but I am sure if we are handling it all well. I try, but I just can't, hold it all together. The reality is that we may lose our house, I have been going nuts trying to keep it, but it is coming to a point where I have to choose between the payments or his treatments and I choose his life and no matter how you put it or rationalize it or deny the truth of the situation we are in, I will always choose his life. Than again what have I been trying to hold on to, is it really ours, nothing in our life has been for quite some time and we have just pretended things were different. We allowed control of our lives because we didn't see an alternative, we thought that it was love, but that is not love. It is easy for a person to say "you have to", but it is a lot harder to be the person who can not do it all alone. Medications, appointments, co pays, food, gas, house hold goods and so on and so forth all the while he needs me, work is no longer the priority, keeping him alive and well and healthy is and I can not do those things and maintain the income we need, even if I didn't have to miss a day work, the income would still not be there for it all, I can not change that and these are just some financial truths I have to admit, no matter how many times I say " I will figure it out" or "I will make it work" I can not, no matter how much I want to. The last couple years have sucked, my health has been shit and I have worked hard to turn that around and I am doing it, the economy has been shit and we have fought and managed to keep what some others were not able to maintain, we maintained with out totally sacrificing our children’s child hood and I don't care who disagrees with that! Have your own families before you judge mine and even than, just saying " I would do this or that" is just saying, you don't know what you would do, I didn't know what I would do and still don't know tomorrow what I will do when things come up! We were struggling and it may be easier to pretend that is not the case. Also you failed to realize that in this current situation, out of the current people who "know best" we were the only ones raising a family amongst the health issues and economy and than just when we saw the light at the end of the tunnel, just when mike got on state and finances started to get better, and just when we started to turn our health around, and just when we finally started to feel that we were going to make it and we didn't have to feel LESS THAN ALL OF YOU ALL ANYMORE, he gets cancer, because the universe thinks that we need a little more and NONE OF YOU KNOW OR CARE WHAT EFFECTS THAT REALLY HAS ON A FAMILY! I am sorry I guess I am pissed at the lack of support and understanding and willingness to do the right thing. I am pissed that despite all my efforts I am failing, but at some of the less important things in my opinion, I may not be able to pay every bill, but I have kept, my husband and kids emotionally and physically sound, that is until other people think they have the right to mess it up. I miss work, I stay up nights, I go to appointments every day to make sure that my children have a father and that my best friend is healthy and has every chance to win the battle of our life. I am pissed that no matter how hard I try, that peoples actions and lies can land him in this bed, sick and having to fight harder, the same people who said to me that "stress is cancer's enemy" yet they pile it on, because what they might or might not get or have, or the control they desire is more important. Just know this I am fighting for the right reasons so I will come out on top. We love the home we have built and I hate for my children to lose that with everything else we have been through, but believe this, no matter what our home will be where we are and our love will over come the HURT. I didn't realize I was so pissed; I have been trying to hard to keep him from being so upset and trying to keep it from affecting his health that I have not expressed my feelings. This is just the financial stress and it is not even the most stressful in our lives so think on that one. At 23 we thought we had a bright future at our fingertips and I am sorry that you feel we made promises we could not keep, we didn't know the future no more than you did. You need to admit though, you made much bigger promises that you have not kept, the promise to love unconditionally, the promise to support, the promise to always be there, these are promises we make to our children and those were never fulfilled. We take responsibility for all we have done, but we were growing up and that is what we were supposed to do, make mistakes and learn and grow, what is your excuse!
Also insulting my parenting on face book and yes I hear about it, it is laughable, let’s see how well you parent, you can't even handle being an aunt and the responsibilities that comes along with that so let’s see how well you do at parenting! FedEx is after all heartfelt and loving! It is that personal touch the kids need during the hardest months in there young lives to date. I mean it was more than expected since Valentines Day is not a required occasion to acknowledge the children exist, it was not a birthday or Christmas so I guess it is a step up, if that is what you want to call it. It is easy to accuse and assume things when you are not around to know the situation or the other side and you are not the one having to figure out what is the right thing to do. You are not the one with the internal struggle for what is best and that struggle of trying to sort out their feelings, your feelings, and the harm that is being done by all the negativity. Let me call you names, lie about you, refuse to support you when you need me. Let me tell your children half truths about you when I am hurt or mad and than turn them back over to me the next time I am mad. Oh never mind, YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN, so you could not possibly understand the turmoil that is parenting and trying to make the right decisions and not always knowing what is the best decision. I am going to use a potty mouth now, but I am thinking it so I may as well say it because I am tired of holding my feelings in! Who the fuck do you think you are!?! Why the hell do you have a horse in this race!?! What gives you the right to pass judgment on me!?! Saying my children are pawns, BULLSHIT, I have been there mother everyday for their whole life! I have parented them and I have done a DAMN good job weather you think so or not!!!!!
The rest of you have been part time fixtures and givers of material gifts and that is the extent of it. Even the ones who were there in the early years of their lives and I don't have to point fingers for you to know who you are, the guilt is there, you found your own life that didn't include them and that has been the case for the last couple years until daddy got sick and than you wanted to swoop in and play grandparents of the year! It is easier to throw some money their way than it is to be there, it is easier to control a person’s life than it is to teach them to control their own life, and it is easier to push a person down than it is to hold them up when they need it. I am not saying that the help we have gotten was not appreciated, I am not saying that we didn't take it when offered, but we accepted it because we thought at the time it was coming from a place of love and understanding, not a place of judgment and control. We showed our gratitude by love, including you in our lives, telling you thank you, doing things when we could to show we thought of you! It was not good enough and obviously neither was we!
We have stood on our own 2 feet for many years now, we have struggled, but we have came a long way and I don't care what people say or the lies they tell we know the truth! And so do the people close to us, the ones who really know us, and the ones who have been around us, spent time with us, and know our hearts! Brining up things from years ago I mean really, we must be doing things right if you have to rely on mistakes that are 5 years old or older is all I can say!
I put people before my own family that were not worthy! I thought they loved me and my son as though we were family and I was wrong, you included us, but you didn't love us and the truth comes out at the worst possible time. I was a fool to believe you and to be ashamed of my own family because you made me feel that they were not good enough. My family has issues, I know, but so does yours and much bigger ones. I expected things to go much different, I expected you to be there and expected my own blood, my own family to hurt me and I got the opposite and that has changed how I feel and it makes me sad that I gave you more credit than you deserved.
This is MY blog and it is my therapy. I have been holding a lot in, I have not expressed these feelings to my husband, my mother, my sister, I have only expressed these to one person whom I will not name, but just know that this person and I are in a 2 person club who know what it feels like to not be accepted, but person I know you are reading this and I feel this way, I would rather be an outsider than part of something so wrong.
If you are reading this and I pissed you off than good! I have been pissed off for quite some time, glad to have some company. If you got pissed off than it is because you fucked up, not me! Sorry Christian friends, there goes that mouth again, but I need to let it out and I think god understands that!
You know the saying, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on, well piss on you too, I am not sure which is better, but you deserve the best!
Peace out!
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