Dear Enemy,

Today I try to make peace, peace with you cancer, I am tired of fighting you, we are going to be in each others life so is there any way we can learn to get along. There is no way to rid you, no matter if you are active, non active you are going to be in my life. You have been in my life for a long time, your first presence was made when you took my Great grandmother from me many years ago, she was the most important person in my life to this day and you took her. You have taken so many wonderful people from myself and those I love. You are evil, but I am trying to make peace with you so that I can live with you. I am not going to quit trying to harm you, I promise that I will never stop hating you, but I have to make peace with you in order to live my life. You have taken enough lives, you don't need mine, you don't need his, we will live in spite of you.

Hearts are breaking today because of you, it hits home today as my heart is breaking, but you do this every minute of every day to someone. From those who are just getting the news, hearing those words for the first time to those who are mourning the loss of a life you have taken from them. Right now as I write this you are hurting someone and for that reason I may never find peace with you, but I am trying. You are a selfish uncaring presence, you take sleep away from us, you hurt us, you make us cry, you cancer, you take away security and balance, you however can not take away our love. Love is something that you will never have nor take. There is none that has not been touched by you in one way or another so I know with all the people in the world there are those who have learned to make peace with you so I know it can be done.

I will need help in doing this, I will need help everyday to have peace with you in my life, help from friends and helps from god, help from family. I know that I am more fortunate than others, I lost my grandmother, but I still have my husband. I am not grateful to you for that, but I am grateful that I have him. I know that if we get the results we want to hear, the results that you are in hiding, that we scared you away and he is in remission it may make it easier to find that peace. However the fear of a re-occurrence or a new form of your ugly face will again make it hard. You are in my head, you are in my dreams and you consume my heart today, but today is the day that I try to find peace with you so that you can no longer have that power over me and I will take my life back from you some how and in time I will accomplish this goal. I will simply give you the middle finger and bid adieu as I take him to chemo and we fight you in more than one way!

drip drip drip goes the iv, boom boom boom goes the Earth!

Up giving Michael his iv while it thunders and lightening. I feel like I need a good cry, but don't deserve one. My mind is heavy today for several reasons. Yesterday was good day and night and today has sucked. From the first check of the email this morning, to Michael's heath set back today. I should be used to the ups and downs by now, but it is hard for us caretakers to watch and try and keep up with. I know for me this is a bump and I feel in my heart we will get remission and I know there are others that don't have the chance of or the hope for remission at this time and my heart breaks even more for them. Today I struggle with my feelings and fears and his health and the feeling of guilt of feeling sorry for my own situation. I know what she would say, and I know her heart, but still as scared as I am for me and as worried as I am for him, there are those who have it worse and I want to acknowledge that before I go on. I have been praying a lot today, honestly praying and I am not a big prayer, I will admit that. I have not been praying for me or for Michael today, but for someone who needs it more.

As I sit here watching him rest, knowing what his body going through and how much more it will be going through in a mere 3 days, watching and listening to the iv drip and the storm outside brew I know this is my life. I used to say is this really my life, like I was going to wake up, but I know this is my life now. Michael said to me tonight as my heart is breaking for him that he is sorry, he said he is sorry several times, to the point that I wanted to scream at him "stop fucking apologizing, this is not your fault". I refrained and told him it instead of screaming. He said to me that he is sorry that this has become my life, taking care of him and being disappointed and having a husband who can't even take me out for a nice evening. I don't want him to be sorry for me. Every day he fights for me he is doing more for me than I could ask for. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard and I don't regret not taking advantage of all the time I had him well and wasted it. I get mad at cancer and pissed off that he has to fight so hard, never am I disappointed by or at him!

Michael and I , as all married people have been thorough some stuff in our time together. Good and bad, some I am proud of some I am not. Up's and downs, better or worse and now sickness and health. We are going on 10 years now so that is expected, but I wish I turned them downs into up's quicker, but I would not trade the down's or worse because it has made up the couple we are today! It has made us strong enough to endure this journey and it has made our passion stronger. I think back to what has made this marriage work and not my last marriage, besides the fact that I was 18 lol.  Well I think one is love, this was truer and mature love, what I have now! Also it takes work and passion and you have to be with some one you are willing to fight with and against because you can't always be on the same side. For the most part though I think it comes down the simplicity of this. If you are more miserable with someone than you are with out them than it is time to walk away, but if you are more miserable with out them than there is a reason to stay. I have never felt that I would be happier with out Michael even we have been at our worst. I was there with Chuck, I was miserable every day at the bull shit and lies I had to put up with. I share these thoughts for a few reasons, one is I want Michael to know how I feel about him and another is that I have some real friends and family and and some Facebook friends who are going through a hard time in their relationships and sometimes it helps to hear that we all do. Even as Michael has been sick we have had fights, disagreements and that is great, we still have the passion and the fire, I can't let cancer take that away and I can not be afraid to treat him like my husband because that is what he is, that is his role to me. He told me the other day that I was being a bitch and I was being a bitch, the stress gets to me sometimes and I have a hard time hiding the bitch, I can hide the tears easier! Later and again Friday I laughed about it. We have always had a relationship where we said what was on our mind to each other and just do us, we talk to each other how we damn well please we love doing it and it helped us deal with life, we could always be honest and be us with each other. It made me feel good that he could tell me I was being bitch, he has not said that to me like that in a while, he sometimes acts like he owes me or something and like the can't say what is on his mind the same way I acted like the was sick and I couldn't say what was on my mind. Glad to know the balance is returning.

His health, it is frustrating me! I knew it was going to be a hard round and I have been through hard rounds and near death and fear and we have pulled through, but I am worried this time, like I was in the beginning, It is a new sick this time. Some days you would think he was fine, but most he is just out of it and I thought he would be bouncing back by now, he has not had chemo in 4 weeks, 3 planned, 1 unplanned. His counts are bouncing back, but his body is not, kind of scary! His endurance is shit, one good day means several bad. The one day is worth it though, don't get me wrong, he loves that day and looks forward to those 1 days, but I hate the after math even so. Today has been a bad one and those are ones that are draining for me, he sleeps through them and I know he feels bad and it can't be fun for him, but days like today I think are harder on me because I am with it and awake and watching him be so zapped, he wakes up periodically and apologizes and eats or drinks and then goes back out. I feel so bad for taking him out tonight, I thought it would be good for him but it didn't go well, he got real bad being out and it scared me, we did end up at O'Charley's and had a nice chat, but he was getting weaker and weaker as we sat there, but he wanted to eat his food, he didn't want to take it home and he didn't want to come home and me make him something, he had a taste for some O'Charley's and even when I can't afford it well, if I can pull it off and he has a taste I get it for him I want him to eat good so that is an expense I will work in when I can. I am worried about being out of work for 3 weeks and I pray I get a little time donated so I can make the bills, but it is what it is and it will work out some how. He needs me and we have gotten through worse than this. I think it will be a rough month, but we will come through ok. I am also so grateful for people who love us and are willing to help even when I am not willing to ask.

I have not been good during this bout of illness, I have sat and ate for 2 weeks and almost every day there has been ice cream involved. I am beating my self up over it, I know that if I don't allow my self to indulge in some comfort food I will indulgent in some comfort cigarettes and I don't want that so I am trying to do a little better each day, today for lunch I ate salad and for diner baked fish, but I did have my ice cream and brownie, but at least I didn't' have bad food also like other days. I know the storm will calm and I will get back to the norm. I am going to try and get back to the gym next week if he is ok enough for me to leave him an hour or 2 a few days. Not sure he will be though because he gets some serious chemo next week. We shall see, maybe I can get an hour while he is resting or something. I wish I had some ice cream right now lol. I won't buy it and keep it in the house because I will eat it all day long. If I want it, I have to go out and get it and that saves me some, if I don't feel like going out and even though most days I do it is just once and not all day lol.  I decided tomorrow to make sure I get my water intake, I have not been doing it good since I have been home, at work I take the jug and drink drink drink and than when I get home drink more, but I have been out of my routine, I am going to fill both mine and Michael's jugs up today and make sure I do every day while I am home and get him back in the habit as well.

Ok I am rambling now, just talking to myself really lmao! So I will leave you with this, why do restaurants put any ice cream dish, ala mode anything in any dish except a bowl, it may look cute on that little square plate, but it not comparable, I want to enjoy my desert while I can, not chase it around the plate!!!

This has been another rambling by Fluffy!

Phenomenal Woman

It has been a Maya Angelou kind of day for me, I searched my room until I found my copy of the complete collected poems of Maya Angelou today and this is one of my all time favorites from her so I thought I would just share!!! 

Not going to let anyone pull me down, because I am also a Phenomenal Woman, that's me! 

PHENOMENAL WOMANby Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.

Nurse Betty!

Staycation Pictures!!!


I would like to start this post by saying I am the worst caretaker in the world, if you need a caretaker call Dr. Kevorkian, he is can do better than me. I am OCD, I have so much anxiety that I sometimes take it out on the patient, ie. my husband. I can't cook very good, I cry erratically, even walking through Kroger like this evening for no good reason and I am sure people probably thought I was a nut job. I was not having a melt down or having a "special" moment or anything, but I did have tears falling and I could not fight them off. Ethan was with me, but he was to busy singing opera music and being ADD to notice! I love that kid and how he can just get lost in his own little world, I wish I could do that!!! I run the vacuum when you are sleeping because if I don't run the vacuum right now I will burst!!! I get neurotic when you leave your blanket out when you are not using it and it is not that i expect you to put it away, it is that i do and than you get cold and are afraid to ask for it back because I may have moment of "I can't take the chaos"!!!

I would like to add that I have not always been this crazy and I may be being a little hard on myself, but this is how I feel I am being as a care taker. I feel like I am a complete failure at it, I should be proud that you are alive after 3 days of me taking care of you, but the question is are you glad your alive after 3 days of me taking care of you???

I felt like I was a better care taker in December when I did this, except for Christmas Night, aka to much tequila night!!!

I want to be one of those tv women who have it all together, diner on the table at the perfect time, perfectly prepared at just the right time, with bathed children who sat the table and did their home work (yes I know it is summer break). I want my house to be so clean that one of those magazine people are here to speak with me in front of my mantle (I don't have one or a fire place for that matter) about how perfect my family is and how I keep my home so well.

Who the fuck am I kidding, my family was never that, but that is the image I have in my head of how I should be in this situation. I should have it all together in a perfectly perfect kind of way that amazes everyone. People tell me how strong I am and what a good job I am doing and I feel like a fraud, I feel like I am barely hanging on waiting for something else to happen to throw my hanging by a thread plan off track.

My kids have been wonderful, they have helped me clean, cook, they have been on good behavior except for a melt down once by Ethan. They have done what was asked and even done things I didn't ask. Meredith cleaned her whole room and all I had to was go in sweep and vacuum and she did it to my standards and that is hard to do when I am like this. She even has been coming to me and telling me when she throws her straw paper away from the juice because I have had a melt down or 4 over those plastic juice straw papers :\

I don't know why my anxiety is so high, I have had harder times, November and December was a nightmare, but my anxiety is just off the charts, it was actually off the charts before this health decline with Michael, I was getting in under control though, I was back to my normal meds or less and dealing. For the last and a half though I have been nuts, eating like a crazy person and junk and that has not been me for over a year, I have been craving smokes again and I have not had that crave in a long while, I have had the occasional and mean very occasional smoke socially while drinking, maybe a total of 5 in over a year, but even then I didn't crave it and I didn't need one the next day or anything, so I am not sure why I am craving them again all the sudden. The more I think about it the more I want one. I gotta get back to the gym and work through this for my health, figure and sanity!

I think maybe that I kinda had it in my head that we were out of the woods and we were gonna go right in to remission and we were not going to have any more issues and than this smacked me and I got scared that I was going to lose him again and I was not ready for that, you are never ready, but his health went down hill fast and is bouncing back slowly, the next month is gonna be hard as hell and I know that, but it don't make it easier.

The kids are going to Florida on Friday, I am glad for them and so happy, also sad though, I am going to miss their first time seeing the ocean and all the fun they are going to have and here goes the fucking tears again. I was supposed to be doing all this stuff at this time in my life and instead I am just hoping I can keep dad healthy. I am mad as hell that I have to rely on cell phones and pictures to share my children s life with them for much of it any more. I am mad as hell that my role has changed and it seems like so many people are having fun and enjoying the things I should be enjoying. Don't get me wrong either, I want the people I love to live life and have fun, but it is hard for me to hear about it. My close friend went on vacation and I didn't even want to answer her phone call when she got back because I didn't want to feel that hurt or dare I say jealousy!!! I know this makes me a bitch and I don't mean to be, I can't help my feelings. I did answer and I did talk to her and she was wore out and stresses from the kids on vacation so there you go, the grass is not always greener blah blah! Sometimes though I enjoy seeing and hearing the stories it makes me smile to see those I love enjoying life. I am just nuts a basket case. Like the kids going to Florida I am happy for them and I am glad they get the opportunity, but I am also morning the loss of the opportunity to experience it with them. I am glad that my in laws are taking them, they need some fun and away from this mess, i am not upset or feel like my in laws are taking it away from me, but I feel like cancer has taken it away from me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, my husband is winning his battle, he is going to win, times are hard right now, but we will hear those words remission and this is all worth it.

I have so many worries at this time that many people can't understand. Others can't understand the decisions I make, why bring him home when I could leave him in the hospital and possibly work and not have to worry about the bills, well let me answer that for you, because I prefer him alive than the bills paid, We will make it, August will be rough, but than September will be better. Things from here on out may be more difficult than they should have been, but we will be ok and we will make it through.

I would rather be the supporter than the supported and that is hard for me. I am one of those weird people that enjoy watching everyone open their Christmas presents on Christmas, but hate to be the one to open a gift. I don't like to ask for or need help and I have had to swallow some pride and just say thank you during this journey and am so grateful to have a few people in my life that get that and can understand that it is hard for me and I am grateful, but I don't quite know how to express it or gracefully except it. I usually babble or change the subject. Just something else I suck at lol. I love you guys and you all know who you are, I don't have to call you out in a my blog post.

Oh and I am going to cook breakfast in the morning, I rarely cook breakfast, I am not good at it, I am not a big breakfast eater and I just don't typically do it, but since I am home and my kids are home and my husband is home I want a family breakfast so while i was crying through Kroger I got stuff to make breakfast in the morning, I have eggs left over from making brownies from the bake sale and never really use eggs so I need to cook them and that got me thinking about a family breakfast so this is going to go down in the morning, I am sure it will be more like a breakfast lunch lol, but it will have the same effect! I am looking forward to it and so are the kids, Ethan got super excited about it and Meredith said you bought breakfast for us to have in the morning lmao, I said no I am going to cook breakfast and she giggled and asked if she could help.

I have been typing this, facebooking with myself, nursing and watching a span of old shows, from gi joe, jem to family ties. Perhaps I am not as bad of a care taker as I let on, but he deserves better and the kids deserve better and I want to be better. I can't wait unitl morning so I can have breakfast with my family and hopefully talk and be like one of those tv families even if it is Roseann lol.

Before I go I would like to touch on Metal Fest 3, My family had a so much fun, just out in the open, no distractions, just each other, music, fishing, laughing and working hard. We teamed together to take care of dad also, to keep him cool and hydrated, we bonded as a family and that is something I would not trade for the world. We love each other. We enjoyed each other so much that weekend. We stunk, and we sweated, we were hot and we were hungry sometimes lol, but we just had fun with it, we didn't fight or snap at each other like we often do at home. I can't remember the last time we laughed so much together.

Also Our staycation was awesome, great family fun and bonding, maybe I don't need to be jealous, thought we may not be able to go to ocean we have made the best of our summer together and had some good times. Also we fell in love with our city all over again!!!


Ok babbling must come to an end, this had no purpose as usual, just to talk through my own issues with my self.

Have a good night, morning, or day, what ever time it is in your world right now!

Metal Fest 3 pictures!!!

Stefanie