I would like to start this post by saying I am the worst caretaker in the world, if you need a caretaker call Dr. Kevorkian, he is can do better than me. I am OCD, I have so much anxiety that I sometimes take it out on the patient, ie. my husband. I can't cook very good, I cry erratically, even walking through Kroger like this evening for no good reason and I am sure people probably thought I was a nut job. I was not having a melt down or having a "special" moment or anything, but I did have tears falling and I could not fight them off. Ethan was with me, but he was to busy singing opera music and being ADD to notice! I love that kid and how he can just get lost in his own little world, I wish I could do that!!! I run the vacuum when you are sleeping because if I don't run the vacuum right now I will burst!!! I get neurotic when you leave your blanket out when you are not using it and it is not that i expect you to put it away, it is that i do and than you get cold and are afraid to ask for it back because I may have moment of "I can't take the chaos"!!!
I would like to add that I have not always been this crazy and I may be being a little hard on myself, but this is how I feel I am being as a care taker. I feel like I am a complete failure at it, I should be proud that you are alive after 3 days of me taking care of you, but the question is are you glad your alive after 3 days of me taking care of you???
I felt like I was a better care taker in December when I did this, except for Christmas Night, aka to much tequila night!!!
I want to be one of those tv women who have it all together, diner on the table at the perfect time, perfectly prepared at just the right time, with bathed children who sat the table and did their home work (yes I know it is summer break). I want my house to be so clean that one of those magazine people are here to speak with me in front of my mantle (I don't have one or a fire place for that matter) about how perfect my family is and how I keep my home so well.
Who the fuck am I kidding, my family was never that, but that is the image I have in my head of how I should be in this situation. I should have it all together in a perfectly perfect kind of way that amazes everyone. People tell me how strong I am and what a good job I am doing and I feel like a fraud, I feel like I am barely hanging on waiting for something else to happen to throw my hanging by a thread plan off track.
My kids have been wonderful, they have helped me clean, cook, they have been on good behavior except for a melt down once by Ethan. They have done what was asked and even done things I didn't ask. Meredith cleaned her whole room and all I had to was go in sweep and vacuum and she did it to my standards and that is hard to do when I am like this. She even has been coming to me and telling me when she throws her straw paper away from the juice because I have had a melt down or 4 over those plastic juice straw papers :\
I don't know why my anxiety is so high, I have had harder times, November and December was a nightmare, but my anxiety is just off the charts, it was actually off the charts before this health decline with Michael, I was getting in under control though, I was back to my normal meds or less and dealing. For the last and a half though I have been nuts, eating like a crazy person and junk and that has not been me for over a year, I have been craving smokes again and I have not had that crave in a long while, I have had the occasional and mean very occasional smoke socially while drinking, maybe a total of 5 in over a year, but even then I didn't crave it and I didn't need one the next day or anything, so I am not sure why I am craving them again all the sudden. The more I think about it the more I want one. I gotta get back to the gym and work through this for my health, figure and sanity!
I think maybe that I kinda had it in my head that we were out of the woods and we were gonna go right in to remission and we were not going to have any more issues and than this smacked me and I got scared that I was going to lose him again and I was not ready for that, you are never ready, but his health went down hill fast and is bouncing back slowly, the next month is gonna be hard as hell and I know that, but it don't make it easier.
The kids are going to Florida on Friday, I am glad for them and so happy, also sad though, I am going to miss their first time seeing the ocean and all the fun they are going to have and here goes the fucking tears again. I was supposed to be doing all this stuff at this time in my life and instead I am just hoping I can keep dad healthy. I am mad as hell that I have to rely on cell phones and pictures to share my children s life with them for much of it any more. I am mad as hell that my role has changed and it seems like so many people are having fun and enjoying the things I should be enjoying. Don't get me wrong either, I want the people I love to live life and have fun, but it is hard for me to hear about it. My close friend went on vacation and I didn't even want to answer her phone call when she got back because I didn't want to feel that hurt or dare I say jealousy!!! I know this makes me a bitch and I don't mean to be, I can't help my feelings. I did answer and I did talk to her and she was wore out and stresses from the kids on vacation so there you go, the grass is not always greener blah blah! Sometimes though I enjoy seeing and hearing the stories it makes me smile to see those I love enjoying life. I am just nuts a basket case. Like the kids going to Florida I am happy for them and I am glad they get the opportunity, but I am also morning the loss of the opportunity to experience it with them. I am glad that my in laws are taking them, they need some fun and away from this mess, i am not upset or feel like my in laws are taking it away from me, but I feel like cancer has taken it away from me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, my husband is winning his battle, he is going to win, times are hard right now, but we will hear those words remission and this is all worth it.
I have so many worries at this time that many people can't understand. Others can't understand the decisions I make, why bring him home when I could leave him in the hospital and possibly work and not have to worry about the bills, well let me answer that for you, because I prefer him alive than the bills paid, We will make it, August will be rough, but than September will be better. Things from here on out may be more difficult than they should have been, but we will be ok and we will make it through.
I would rather be the supporter than the supported and that is hard for me. I am one of those weird people that enjoy watching everyone open their Christmas presents on Christmas, but hate to be the one to open a gift. I don't like to ask for or need help and I have had to swallow some pride and just say thank you during this journey and am so grateful to have a few people in my life that get that and can understand that it is hard for me and I am grateful, but I don't quite know how to express it or gracefully except it. I usually babble or change the subject. Just something else I suck at lol. I love you guys and you all know who you are, I don't have to call you out in a my blog post.
Oh and I am going to cook breakfast in the morning, I rarely cook breakfast, I am not good at it, I am not a big breakfast eater and I just don't typically do it, but since I am home and my kids are home and my husband is home I want a family breakfast so while i was crying through Kroger I got stuff to make breakfast in the morning, I have eggs left over from making brownies from the bake sale and never really use eggs so I need to cook them and that got me thinking about a family breakfast so this is going to go down in the morning, I am sure it will be more like a breakfast lunch lol, but it will have the same effect! I am looking forward to it and so are the kids, Ethan got super excited about it and Meredith said you bought breakfast for us to have in the morning lmao, I said no I am going to cook breakfast and she giggled and asked if she could help.
I have been typing this, facebooking with myself, nursing and watching a span of old shows, from gi joe, jem to family ties. Perhaps I am not as bad of a care taker as I let on, but he deserves better and the kids deserve better and I want to be better. I can't wait unitl morning so I can have breakfast with my family and hopefully talk and be like one of those tv families even if it is Roseann lol.
Before I go I would like to touch on Metal Fest 3, My family had a so much fun, just out in the open, no distractions, just each other, music, fishing, laughing and working hard. We teamed together to take care of dad also, to keep him cool and hydrated, we bonded as a family and that is something I would not trade for the world. We love each other. We enjoyed each other so much that weekend. We stunk, and we sweated, we were hot and we were hungry sometimes lol, but we just had fun with it, we didn't fight or snap at each other like we often do at home. I can't remember the last time we laughed so much together.
Also Our staycation was awesome, great family fun and bonding, maybe I don't need to be jealous, thought we may not be able to go to ocean we have made the best of our summer together and had some good times. Also we fell in love with our city all over again!!!
Ok babbling must come to an end, this had no purpose as usual, just to talk through my own issues with my self.
Have a good night, morning, or day, what ever time it is in your world right now!
Metal Fest 3 pictures!!!
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