Singing hey hey Momma can MY daddy come home!

I would like to start this entry off by saying I promise for this one entry I will not use the "F" word, just for you Grandma, because I love you so berry much :) .

     Nothing profound to say this evening, not that any of my ramblings are profound, but this one will be even less so. Just can't sleep for no particular reason and thinking about my children and how much they mean to me and how much daddy means to them. They keep asking me when daddy gets to come home, not sure if it is because they really miss him or because they are having a blast running over momo every minute of the day. I mourn for my babies this evening, I have been looking over pictures this evening, going through the gazillion I have on my computer of us all having fun, being silly, and enjoying life. Nothing stopped us from having fun, not money or time. Cancer however unfortunately seems to have stopped fun right in its track! We still try to make the best of things, and we have not given up getting our happy back, but it just is not the same for them or us. I can feel it and I know they can. It used to be "family" fun, but now it is different. Daddy is sick and can't enjoy a lot of the things we do even though he tries to be present for most of it and I spend most of our time trying to balance making it fun for them and being silly me and worrying and taking care of poppa. So I just get lost in the mix and don't really take the time that I used to order to cease the moment.

     Money is a bigger issue than it was before so I have to cut back on things we do, but that is not the biggest issue, there is still things to be done, Gilda's has a lot of fun things to do, there is things free or cheap every where, but we have to have time now, which was never a problem before, also I find that one major obstacle in having family fun, whether it be out or at home is that I am afraid to plan, I am afraid to get their hopes up. Life has become so unpredictable that there is a good chance they will get let down if I do or I will have to choose between them and him and that is just not fair! We went to Gilda's Mardi gras, well Meredith and I did, but it was a hard decision to make. Poppa was not having a good day, yet I did promise Meredith we would go and I should not have don't that. She is having such a hard time with all this that I just could not bear the thought of hurting her or letting her down and Michael being the father he is completely understood and would not hear of me having her miss it. We went and I had fun with Meredith and my niece Kansas. They had a blast running around being silly and doing their favorite thing, arts and crafts! In the first hour I did good, I was moving and groovin and hot gluein, laughin and dancin with them, but past that, I was just wore out for one, he had been sick all day and than I was worried about him being alone. I was txting and calling him and the girls noticed that I checked out, I tried to get my grove back, but I lost them, they left me and went to noogieland to color. They were ok with it, but I was not. I felt like I let them down. I know that their minds were with me though and Daddy or Uncle Mike, because when it was time to go and I went to noogieland to collect them they had made pictures for the both of us and they were so excited to take the float we made for Turtle home. It is on top of the fridge waiting for him to get home, we put it there cause we figure that will be the first place he goes since he eats all the time lol.

     I have Meredith an appointment on Tuesday to see her pediatrician, she is just not her bubbly self anymore, she wants to sleep more, her head hurts all the time, she has lost interest in many things she loved to do. I have to force her to go to cheerleading, or to go to the store. She gets angry easily and bursts out at anyone who looks at her sideways. That mommy in me wants to make it all better for her, I want to make the hurt, confusion, and doubts go away. I want her to feel safe and secure and confident, but cancer has taken that from her. I start to feel like I have failed her, because for one I can't fix it and second my husband’s family have made me feel that way. I have been criticized since the day he was diagnosed with how I have handled the kids and everything they think I have done wrong. I have always put my children first and I love them more than anything I can imagine. Part of taking care of them is taking care of their daddy and it seems they get that more than some of the judgmental adults in the situation. This is another blog entry though; I have not found forgiveness for some people even though I want to be that bigger person who can. I am not there yet. Meredith is a daddy's girl so I am sure this is why she is having the harder time of the two. She could use a strong male there right now, not to replace daddy, not to make her forget him, but to just make her feel safe again. The men that could give this to her are not. The man who probably means the second most to her is her Pawpaw and he has checked out also, putting his own feeling before those of his grandkids and his son. Michael needed him also and when he reached out to him, he was also let down, he is a big boy though and he can get through it. Meredith is a little girl who feels like she is losing her daddy even though we know she is not; it feels that way to her. She don't need all the silliness in her life no more than Michael or Ethan or I do. She don't trust anyone right now except me so that means she comes to me for everything and I am afraid that I may miss something or not be there when she needs me, I am a hot commodity these days and run around like a hamster in a wheel. Aunts that could also have been an important part in catching her decided that the easiest thing was to put it all on mommy and criticize her for not being superwoman and being able to do it all while processing her feelings, when what they could have done is own their role a little bit, for once and been there for her also, been that back up, instead they chose to just go ahead and ensure she would not trust them and they did that with their actions. Just recently one aunt came over to bring valentines and I caught myself trying to make Meredith interact and show appreciation to her, but why did I do that, she is entitled to be angry also and she is. She won't admit it to the people she is angry with because that is not her nature, she will admit it to me and she will show those feelings in subtle ways like ignoring you. I told her she was being rude and tried to make her be nice, but later when I was thinking about, more or less saying to myself that is something else I will be ripped over, talked about, criticized and blamed for, it hit me, what about why she did it, her feelings must be hurt over something, before cancer she would have been all over her aunt wanting to hang out, craving that attention she never gets. She is where I am, she is over it, and just don't care anymore, I don't want her there. She should not be there, but she is entitled to her feelings. We will get to bottom of it and I will do everything in MY power to help her.

      Ethan he is dealing a little better with most of it. His disabilities have kinda put him at an advantage in this situation. He is used to dealing with adversity. He is used to being in his own little world most of the time and cancer feels that way, like you are in this secret world. Also his comprehension is lower and he doesn’t fully understand the extent of what we are dealing with. It is effecting him though, don't get me wrong he is having issues also, but he seems to having healthier reaction and I feel that is partially because he has learned good coping skills in the last few years just dealing with life. He will ask me every now and than if dad is going to die and I assure him dad is a fighter and we are beating this and he smiles, he don't have to say anything I can see the relief in his smile. This round, while dad has been in the hospital he has been taking things of Michaels and wearing them and trying to keep them. He snuck Michaels class ring and watch and was wearing them, I had to take them away because I didn't want them lost, he has also been getting his wrestling belt down, trying it on and holding it, but he puts it back. I think that is his way of feeling close to Michael. He loves that man so much, they but head a lot and give each other a hard time, but he loves him so much and respects him so much. Dads and sons butt heads and push each other. He trusts me when I tell him everything is going to be ok, Meredith is more skeptical. He probably has the most fun of all of us, he is just a fun loving kid, he doesn’t let anything stop him anymore. He acts out sometimes, but over all he is handling things pretty well considering.

    I must have done some things right, my kids turned out ok and they love me and Michael. They may end up in therapy at some point because of us, but they will still love us :)

    As much as people want me to believe I am the problem, I don't believe that, I think sometimes I miss things and as much as I love my children, right now daddy needs me a little more and I will be there for all of them if it kills me. If I was the problem than I would be the one they have issues with and I am not.

     I just want to get thing back to a place we can all enjoy life again. Being alive is good, but what good is it if you are not living? We have to start living again. I have been working that back in to life and we have so much to look forward to, summer is almost here and Gilda’s has a lot going on the next few months also so we will get it back. Wow this therapy works, I feel better after blogging this out!

I need to blog again though after this one because it has brought out some other feelings about people and things I have been struggling with, but I need to process that some more before I do write about it. Once you emotionally beat the shit out of people you can not expect they are going to just get over it because you are. One person is trying, but my give a damn is still busted and I am not happy about it, but it just is. I am giving that to god and hoping he will send me in the right direction with that one.

For Hire, Body doubles

     I woke this morning after maybe 3 hours of sleep, eyes swollen so bad I could barely crack them open and they burn to. My head feels like a fat man is stepping on it. My body screams for some attention. I can't do it today, My husband had a bad night, no doubt brought on by his inability to just walk away from the ignorance that is his family. He has to argue with them, he thinks they will change or they will just all the sudden decide he is a priority or worth more than a dollar. His counts are down instead of up, he is out of it completely, and devistated at what his life has become, he was supposed to get out of the hospital today, but that is not going to happen.

     Meredith is sick, fever, throwing up, headach, is it an illness or is that child just stressed out, I don't know. We are all stressed out and the kids are no exception. I can't even comfort her right now, what I want is to crawl in the bed with her and hold her and sleep it all off, both of us just sleep and cry, but I can't. She may be contagious if it is a bug or sickness and with Michaels white counts being at 0.38 this morning I can not take the chance of carring it back to him.

I need to be at work getting another day of pay on that check, I can not afford to be here on a day like today, but what do I do. Even if Michael was doing well and Meredith was not sick, my body is wore down, this 5 days at the hospital and him being so sick, and the house, and lawyers and the kids and the worry and the arguing and the lack of sleep. Plus I have not been to the gym and I am stress eating for sure. I am all out of wack, things are just so , well they are just so.

I need a hug, but I don't like to be touched, if I get hugged I cry, I don't wanna cry. I need to feel so not alone and I know I am not, I have people, I have good people who are supportive, like most of you reading this, but I still feel alone. I could use Gilda's tonite, but he is sick and I won't go beause so much is going on, but still it is nice to know they are there.

I am needed every where and I need to be every where and How do you decide what is more important! The husband, the kids, making money?!? All of them are important.

Now on top of all the rest, I have to try and find a place to live. I won't go in to all that again, but rest assured very few people will have the address!!!!

We will one day get our happy back....................... I hope!

Dear Cancer,

Some days I just don't want to wake up anymore, the nightmare that is my life has become worse than anything my corrupt mind could dream up. Uncertainty, frustration, fear, scary uncaring people, everything around me falling apart, it is all here in reality. Have you ever had that dream that you are falling off a cliff and than you wake up right before SPLAT! Well I am trying to wake up! I actually was thinking today what if I did just go SPLAT! No I am not suicidal, I again, don't need an intervention, I am just as always working out some feelings. All I do is worry and cry anymore, my boss is even scared to talk to me because all I do is cry. I can't concentrate on work because I cry, when I am with Michael I hold in the tears and worry worry worry and than as soon as I get away from him I cry!!

I don't feel strong anymore, I feel like everything is unfixable, I feel like I will never have any sort of a life back. If we beat this cancer than what, we start to rebuild I guess, but how and than what if it comes back, I know the chances of it coming back are greater than it not coming back and I know that if it does come back than the chances of chemo working again are even smaller.

Fuck you cancer, fuck you! fuck you! fuck you! You have taken everything good away, fuck you again! We were happy, we had a reason to smile and fuck you! You stole it from us, took away our happy! I know I should be grateful that he is alive, we caught it and he is fighting, I should be, but I am not, I don't want any part of you. Fuck you Cancer! I hate you; I wish you were tangible so I could kill you!

You need to go hell and burn! You have made my life hell and I hate you! You are worse than any scary movie, any bad dream or any other stress I have known. I can not escape you, you piece of shit! I hate you! You are there in my dreams, when I wake up and everything I do or don't do reminds me of you!

You make me angry! You are fucking with my kids; their security and well being and NO ONE or NOTHING fucks with my kids! You tear apart families, relationships, you make me sick and you make him sick! Nothing about you is good; you can not be transformed in to anything useful. You have no positive purpose. All you do is ruin everything you come in contact with. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have turned in to an angry pissed off person lately and I try to snap out of it, I try to be better than you! I want to be better than you, I should be better than you!

Again fuck you cancer, that is all and don't bother writing back, you say enough by just being present in my life!

From the bottom of my heart,
The bitch who hates you!

Roller Coaster of Love hate discontent and fear........

    
This has defiantly been a roller coaster ride with ups, downs, twists, turns, and loopdeloops. Trust me it is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when your seat belt snaps and you have to hold on so tight your knuckles bleed just to keep from falling off! I know I use a lot of analogies, but  this is how I feel at the moment and I know there is someone who knows exactly that feeling I just described.

                                   

     This entry starts very similar to a few before, I am sitting here in the hospital watching him sleep listening to depressing music and trying to find my faith as well as really try to figure out the purpose of this roller coaster ride. I keep hearing that "everything happens for a reason" or "this will make you stronger". So there must be a lesson, a reason to this rhyme right? Michael thinks he has figured it out, but I am not so sure. His theory is that this has happened to him so he could find out some truths, his truths are that these feelings he has had his whole life that he was not loved, respected, wanted or equal are true, now if you ask me that is a shitty lesson! Here,  you can have this cancer with a side of shitty realizations to go along with it. His feelings are valid and I can see why he feels the way he does, but I don't believe this is the lesson to be learned. To be honest I don't think there is one.

     We have gotten a lot out of this journey, good and bad, and some that is yet to be determined. We have renewed our love and respect for each other, not that it was not there before, but it may have gotten a little lost in translation. Not taking each other for granted anymore, listening not just hearing, living in the moment, every moment because we don't know what the next one will hold. Instead of remembering the friendship and love and getting by on that we are defiantly living it again. I am grateful that we love each other so true, that is how we are making it, no doubt in my mind that is what has got us this far.

     We went to Gilda's for couple’s night Thursday; it was just great, the connection and the laughter! There were these cards on the table, date night conversation starter type cards, so we decided to play along and read the questions and answer them. One of the cards said something to effect of "what do you love most about... “I wish I had kept that card, but I didn't. He says to me that he loves that I love him, he says he never felt anyone truly loved him until me and he continues to go in to details giving me some examples of why he feels that way, I will keep those to myself as they are not my memories to share, but this should have made me feel good, but it hurt me for him, it made me sad that he has truly felt so unloved and unwanted in life. He said to me that the only reason he fights is because of me and the kids and if it was not for us he would have no reason to go to treatment or fight. Again, didn't make me feel good, I am glad he wants to live for us, but I want him to want to live for him! I knew he had hurt feelings and had dealt with a lot of feeling through out his life, before me, and since me, but I didn't realize how deep some of these cuts are and so much more makes sense to me about his feelings and how stubborn he is being about some issues. I am glad I understand more, but I hurt more for him, the pain in his eyes is greater than it has ever been. He feels so betrayed, invisible and disappointed, just plain hurt and I can not take that away. No one can, this roller coaster has changed him more than many people realize, and I don't think he will ever forgive, forget, or find peace in peoples actions and feelings that arose in him because of those actions.

     It is hard to find the positive in what he is going through emotionally, but I try, we try, we talk and we try. He feels stronger, he feels like he has found his voice in a family and world that has over looked his voice, they heard him in the past, it is hard not to, he is loud, but they never really listened to him and he finally feels he has made them listen to him, and he thought that this would mend some relationships and things would change once he was heard, but that is not the case and it is no longer what he wants. My husband is hard to get to know, he don't let many people in his heart, he don't let many people get to know him, really know him, I think I may honestly be one of the only people and perhaps Goi, who know who he is and can feel the person he really is. This is why I fell in love with him because I was able to get to know him, the amazing person he is, the humor, the love, the hurt, it is all who he is, but what most people get is the hurt, he protects him self from relationships that can hurt him, I get it. This is one reason I love that we found Gilda’s; he lets him self be him when we are there and he allows himself to connect with others. I never thought that would happen, but I am glad it has. I think part of the reason this experiment worked is because he found his voice, he has accepted that just because the people he wanted to listen didn't respond don't mean no one will. I am not sure what the point is to my rambling once again on this issue with my husband, but it is stuff on my mind and I am writer so I write and he will read and I think he will see that I get it even though I am not good at speaking it. Michael you are growing as a person because you feel free to do so, let it happen and don't fight it. The past is just that. I love you asshole!

     Another thing he said to me regarding the same card and same question was that he loved how strong I was and how he wishes he was as strong as I am. He said that with everything I have been through in my life and with my family that I am strong and have been able to figure it out and make it work and still be strong. First of all my love YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I told you that and you said "you may be right" , no I am right. You are fighting the fight of your life, found your voice and still manage to make me feel like the most loved wife in the world. You are stronger than you have ever been! Second, I am not as strong as I appear, I am good at appearing to be strong, see pervious blog entries and I explain this. I know I am strong enough, but not as strong as you think I am or even as strong as I want to be. Just know that it is a work in progress and the only difference is that 1. I started my work before you did and 2. I am better at hiding my feelings and that, my love, is not a good attribute.

     I have been told that we have so much on our plates and we are handling it so well, I agree that we do have a lot on our plates, but I am sure if we are handling it all well. I try, but I just can't, hold it all together. The reality is that we may lose our house, I have been going nuts trying to keep it, but it is coming to a point where I have to choose between the payments or his treatments and I choose his life and no matter how you put it or rationalize it or deny the truth of the situation we are in, I will always choose his life. Than again what have I been trying to hold on to, is it really ours, nothing in our life has been for quite some time and we have just pretended things were different. We allowed control of our lives because we didn't see an alternative, we thought that it was love, but that is not love. It is easy for a person to say "you have to", but it is a lot harder to be the person who can not do it all alone. Medications, appointments, co pays, food, gas, house hold goods and so on and so forth all the while he needs me, work is no longer the priority, keeping him alive and well and healthy is and I can not do those things and maintain the income we need, even if I didn't have to miss a day work, the income would still not be there for it all, I can not change that and these are just some financial truths I have to admit, no matter how many times I say " I will figure it out" or "I will make it work" I can not, no matter how much I want to. The last couple years have sucked, my health has been shit and I have worked hard to turn that around and I am doing it, the economy has been shit and we have fought and managed to keep what some others were not able to maintain, we maintained with out totally sacrificing our children’s child hood and I don't care who disagrees with that! Have your own families before you judge mine and even than, just saying " I would do this or that" is just saying, you don't know what you would do, I didn't know what I would do and still don't know tomorrow what I will do when things come up! We were struggling and it may be easier to pretend that is not the case. Also you failed to realize that in this current situation, out of the current people who "know best" we were the only ones raising a family amongst the health issues and economy and than just when we saw the light at the end of the tunnel, just when mike got on state and finances started to get better, and just when we started to turn our health around, and just when we finally started to feel that we were going to make it and we didn't have to feel LESS THAN ALL OF YOU ALL ANYMORE, he gets cancer, because the universe thinks that we need a little more and NONE OF YOU KNOW OR CARE WHAT EFFECTS THAT REALLY HAS ON A FAMILY! I am sorry I guess I am pissed at the lack of support and understanding and willingness to do the right thing. I am pissed that despite all my efforts I am failing, but at some of the less important things in my opinion, I may not be able to pay every bill, but I have kept, my husband and kids emotionally and physically sound, that is until other people think they have the right to mess it up. I miss work, I stay up nights, I go to appointments every day to make sure that my children have a father and that my best friend is healthy and has every chance to win the battle of our life. I am pissed that no matter how hard I try, that peoples actions and lies can land him in this bed, sick and having to fight harder, the same people who said to me that "stress is cancer's enemy" yet they pile it on, because what they might or might not get or have, or the control they desire is more important. Just know this I am fighting for the right reasons so I will come out on top. We love the home we have built and I hate for my children to lose that with everything else we have been through, but believe this, no matter what our home will be where we are and our love will over come the HURT. I didn't realize I was so pissed; I have been trying to hard to keep him from being so upset and trying to keep it from affecting his health that I have not expressed my feelings. This is just the financial stress and it is not even the most stressful in our lives so think on that one. At 23 we thought we had a bright future at our fingertips and I am sorry that you feel we made promises we could not keep, we didn't know the future no more than you did. You need to admit though, you made much bigger promises that you have not kept, the promise to love unconditionally, the promise to support, the promise to always be there, these are promises we make to our children and those were never fulfilled. We take responsibility for all we have done, but we were growing up and that is what we were supposed to do, make mistakes and learn and grow, what is your excuse! 
  
     Also insulting my parenting on face book and yes I hear about it, it is laughable, let’s see how well you parent, you can't even handle being an aunt and the responsibilities that comes along with that so let’s see how well you do at parenting! FedEx is after all heartfelt and loving! It is that personal touch the kids need during the hardest months in there young lives to date. I mean it was more than expected since Valentines Day is not a required occasion to acknowledge the children exist, it was not a birthday or Christmas so I guess it is a step up, if that is what you want to call it. It is easy to accuse and assume things when you are not around to know the situation or the other side and you are not the one having to figure out what is the right thing to do. You are not the one with the internal struggle for what is best and that struggle of trying to sort out their feelings, your feelings, and the harm that is being done by all the negativity. Let me call you names, lie about you, refuse to support you when you need me. Let me tell your children half truths about you when I am hurt or mad and than turn them back over to me the next time I am mad. Oh never mind, YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN, so you could not possibly understand the turmoil that is parenting and trying to make the right decisions and not always knowing what is the best decision. I am going to use a potty mouth now, but I am thinking it so I may as well say it because I am tired of holding my feelings in! Who the fuck do you think you are!?! Why the hell do you have a horse in this race!?! What gives you the right to pass judgment on me!?! Saying my children are pawns, BULLSHIT, I have been there mother everyday for their whole life! I have parented them and I have done a DAMN good job weather you think so or not!!!!!

     The rest of you have been part time fixtures and givers of material gifts and that is the extent of it. Even the ones who were there in the early years of their lives and I don't have to point fingers for you to know who you are, the guilt is there, you found your own life that didn't include them and that has been the case for the last couple years until daddy got sick and than you wanted to swoop in and play grandparents of the year! It is easier to throw some money their way than it is to be there, it is easier to control a person’s life than it is to teach them to control their own life, and it is easier to push a person down than it is to hold them up when they need it. I am not saying that the help we have gotten was not appreciated, I am not saying that we didn't take it when offered, but we accepted it because we thought at the time it was coming from a place of love and understanding, not a place of judgment and control. We showed our gratitude by love, including you in our lives, telling you thank you, doing things when we could to show we thought of you! It was not good enough and obviously neither was we! 

     We have stood on our own 2 feet for many years now, we have struggled, but we have came a long way and I don't care what people say or the lies they tell we know the truth! And so do the people close to us, the ones who really know us, and the ones who have been around us, spent time with us, and know our hearts! Brining up things from years ago I mean really, we must be doing things right if you have to rely on mistakes that are 5 years old or older is all I can say! 

I put people before my own family that were not worthy! I thought they loved me and my son as though we were family and I was wrong, you included us, but you didn't love us and the truth comes out at the worst possible time. I was a fool to believe you and to be ashamed of my own family because you made me feel that they were not good enough. My family has issues, I know, but so does yours and much bigger ones. I expected things to go much different, I expected you to be there and expected my own blood, my own family to hurt me and I got the opposite and that has changed how I feel and it makes me sad that I gave you more credit than you deserved. 

This is MY blog and it is my therapy. I have been holding a lot in, I have not expressed these feelings to my husband, my mother, my sister, I have only expressed these to one person whom I will not name, but just know that this person and I are in a 2 person club who know what it feels like to not be accepted, but person I know you are reading this and I feel this way, I would rather be an outsider than part of something so wrong.  

If you are reading this and I pissed you off than good! I have been pissed off for quite some time, glad to have some company. If you got pissed off than it is because you fucked up, not me! Sorry Christian friends, there goes that mouth again, but I need to let it out and I think god understands that!

You know the saying, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on, well piss on you too, I am not sure which is better, but you deserve the best!

Peace out!