Reality Bites

Last night was a blast, I had so much fun with my coworkers and friends. I may have drank just a little to much, but I think I deserve some fun sometimes and if you don't agree, well who cares. Love all of the people who came out to support our Light the Night Comedy night fundraiser and and I delivered what was promised, fun, comedy and me drunk and stupid. 

The comedians rocked, I embarrassed my self so they didn't have to, for those of you who were there all I gotta say is 13 lmao, I can't believe I said that out loud! 

I can not remember the last time I got to sit, talk, drink, laugh and just be me, really be myself. It has been a long while. Before I go on with the therapy session I just want to thank each of you for being there and helping me to find that fun person I once was, even if for one night! That person who don't care and just wants to live life as it comes. 

I was me, it was good, but Michael was missing, he was not himself, he didn't feel to good as usual, he got tired early and we had to leave. He laughed at the comedy show, but he didn't socialize or talk much or seem to enjoy being out and company. Most people though either he didn't like them or we were fighting lol. Nope, this is just what cancer has done to him. I told him today that next time we go out he should pick the place and let's go do something he wants to do, I told him I want him to have some fun. He said that there is no point, he won't have fun no matter where he goes. Some how, some way we will get his happy back. I miss him, I miss being silly with him out, him singing karaoke and me drunk dancing and acting like he is a rock star. I miss shooting pool and both of us sucking. I miss playing domino's at the kitchen table while we argue over what music to listen to. This missing him, this feeling lonely has taken me to a place I never though I would be with him or my self. I realized this today. I won't go in to details and it's not anything bad or for those you who are still hoping, will cause us to split up, just a realization of feelings that I had to check and I did. 

So much has changed in the last year, I am still adjusting in some ways I guess. Somethings I just simply don't want to adjust to and am giving it that teenage stubbornness that says "hell no mom, you can't make me" . I believe somethings in life aren't meant to be accepted, but changed, I am still changing. I feel like sometimes all I do is complain and I don't want to be that person, I don't want people to not want to talk to me because I am that girl that complains all the time. I just miss my best friend, my partner in crime!! Like right now, I am starving, I want some taco bell, this time last year, I would have said lets go to taco in our pajama's and house shoes, I am hungry and he would have said "your nuts" and we would have went anyways, only he wouldn't have worn his house shoes and he would have wore pajama's disguised as cloths! But this year, I just sit here lonely while I let him rest because he needs his rest. 

Ok moving on to the next item on the agenda, This next round has the shit scared out of me, his body and his will is so weak anymore. I feel like he has kind of just stopped trying. He does what needs to be done, but I feel like he is relying the meds alone and not on his self, his attitude, his persistence and his want to be here with me and the kids. Losing him has been a fear since the first day, but over the last few months that fear has subsided a little until this week. People see him and say he looks good or seems to be doing well. He works hard for that appearance and even so, even when he is having a great day, he is not Big Mike, Vic Viscious and no that is not a spelling error that is how he spells it. He is not my asshole that I love so much. 

With as much fun as I had last night and I did have so much much fun with you guys, today is back to reality, the reality that I had fun with out him, he was there, but he was gone. The reality that because he was there (physically) he is not mentally or physically today. We went to his moms and went swimming he walked around the pool, but still not him, he wouldn't make a whorl pool with us or bug the kids or even bitch about their annoying splashing and silliness. 

Reality bites, but it is what it is, it is my reality and I am adjusting. I would take this reality any day though over the reality of not having him here, in my life, even if it is just to watch him sleep.

I love you Michael and I thank god that I had you here to celebrate our anniversary with and even though you was not your self, you are mine and I am yours and forever I will fight to get you back from this evil disease! 

So here we are again, just got out of one of those hot showers, the ones you go to cry and I still can not sleep so here I am hoping this will help. Perhaps if I kept my word to my self and actually blogged more often I would not hold so much in.

Michael is in bed, he has not been feeling well over the weekend which is when I usually blog incase you missed the pattern. He stared feeling bad last week and wouldn't go to the doctor, finally he agreed to go to immediate care on Sunday, nothing serious, a pretty bad sinus infection that called for some pretty expensive meds, but he should be feeling better soon, I hope. He is coughing a lot and such. We go to see his oncologist the amazing Doc Hadley on Wednesday so I will have him take a look then also to be on the safe side. The last few weeks have been O.K. Some minor problems, fatigue, him feeling a little down at times and nausea with all the chemo pills, but compared the first 6 weeks of this round and the last 6 months it has not been horrible. I remind you though I can not let my guard down because I know what is coming. We had a talk tonight about some things, not mine to bring up here, but I know his heart is heavy, I don't think I helped though; perhaps I made him feel worse. It was not my intention, but sometimes the best intentions just are not comforting.

The car is in the shop again, picked it up from the shop on Monday went back in on Thursday and I won't get it back until at least Wednesday. The transmission is being replaced and now I am in debt to my in-laws again. I am glad they are there to help, however I don't like that feeling of owing someone again. That feeling of having to feel bad knowing you owe someone, I can't explain the feeling and there is a little more there, that I also don't care to go in to at this time. It is again not my issues to share; I will stick to sharing my issues in this edition lol. I just hope money don't come between us, again. I think money is a silly thing to come between families. That is all I am going to say about that. If you read this though thank you all for your help with this issue. With out my car, my life would be impossible right now defiantly!

I am struggling a little this evening with another evil that has come from cancer. Loss of being "the wife". Yes for those of you rooting for him to leave me, we are still together and in love. I just miss being his wife, you know the woman, though I have always been strong and kind of the man in our relationship, I do miss being the wife when I want to. I miss him taking care of me sometimes. I miss feeling secure in his arms and I miss sharing all my hopes, dreams and feeling with him. I could share hopes and dreams if I had any, but those are something else that cancer chewed up and spit in my face. My feelings, I mostly keep them to myself. This evening I almost got to be the wife a little while. I was watching t.v., he was on the computer and he came to me and said "let's go to bed, I will give you a massage and you can relax". Now my back has been killing me for days and tomorrow is going to be hell at work, which is why I should be in bed and not here doing this. It is the last day of the month at the food stamp office, after a 4 day weekend, just saying. Anyways, I felt like he got that I needed some attention and maybe he did. We go to bed and I am ready to relax and talk to him about me, and get some much needed attention from my husband, not the cancer patient, not the person I take care, not from people concerned about him, but from my husband, those of you going through this battle might get that. I was ready and it felt good to have him offer that up out of no where, like he used to. Well I am sitting here so it must not have gone well. I didn't get the massage, instead we talked, about things on his mind and that turned in to things on my mind, there was no relaxing, there was no massage. Just more stress, more things to think about and more things to keep me from sleeping. Now he is resting and I sit here typing and my 3 loyal readers will say something nice to make me feel better, but I need him, I need to be his wife, just for a few hours. I miss going out to the ball game and him going to get me a drink or a snack, I miss needing gas in the car and him doing it for me, I miss taking walks with him at night, talking while the kids run off in front of us laughing because the can beat us, when really we are glad to have the time alone to walk and talk. Again being the wife. Now I am the husband and the mother and the care taker, nurse, friend, lover sometimes, but I don't feel much like a wife. It is not his fault, I am not mad at him so don't go there, I am not blaming anything but this fucking disease (grandma you knew I had to fuck once so go ahead and scold me about my mouth).

When we was out this weekend, he said to me, he was my bitch, he was carrying my purse, I don't remember where we was or why he had it, but I am one of those wife’s that has her husband hold her purse occasionally, well often. But he said to me that I pay for everything, I drive him around, and he is my bitch so he should carry the purse. He was joking and I admit at the time and in the situation it was funny. I think about it right now though and I imagine how he must be feeling while I wine about how I feel. He has lost driving for the most part, he has lost working, and he can't stand or walk for very long, he feels horrible all the time from poison in his body. I can't image that he feels much like a husband right now either. So how can I be the wife if he does not feel like the husband? I try to make him feel like a man often. Like when we go out to eat, I leave the bill for him to pay lol, we have a joint account and he said to me the other day "are you going to let me pretend to pay the bill again, I don't have any money" Well I look at it as our money, when I was in college and could not afford to work thanks to high priced child care, he worked and it was our money, but I get that it is different for men. He will start to get Social Security in a couple months sure, but I guess that is still not the same to him. I guess we have to redefine our roles and go with it. We are more connected at this time in our 9 years than I think we have ever been. We laugh more, we talk more, we spend a lot more time together since his is not working late anymore, we are happy for the most part. We are both dealing with some loss though and I know that is normal, blah blah, but it is still there and hard to process sometime, like tonight when I want and need to be the wife.

The kids are nuts, Meredith is the little momma and for the most part helping out, she give me fits, don't get me wrong, but she is more willing to help and give me a lot of love. Ethan who has been dealing well until recently he is starting to rebel, talk back a lot, do what he’s told not to do and fight with me about everything. I know that part of that is that he is 10 and he starting to take that turn toward teenager, but I think some of it is dealing with all this stuff and needing a man to be there and well I am dad right now for the most part, Michael is here, thank god, he is here, but he is kinds of disconnected. I got to fix that one, the kids need him still. We talked tonight and I think it will help, but I don't think he is happy with me right now.  I want to help though. Cancer has messed up a lot of shit, but we can't let it mess us this family. We are a strong family, a foursome of goffy,  hip hoppin wii playing, bats game going, head bangers and we can make it through it all whole. I know we can.

We are going to end this one with a positive, I went with my sister to look for me a swim suit and I found one, big deal right, well if you spent the last 5 years not having one because there was none in the stores to fit you, than you would be excited also, I am guessing I am at that 100 lb mark now, last week when I weighed it was 99 lbs. Also, I was wearing a size 36 or larger when I started my wellness journey and I tried on some pants today, just for curiosity sake and I got a 32 thinking they would probably not fit, I said to my sister " I know I am not here yet, but lets see how close I am" We were in fashion bug, thanks to her having an awesome coupon that got me a swim suit at wal mart prices lol, and a 32 is as big as they go. I have not even been able to shop there in years because they don't carry my size or should I say didn't. I can't afford to shop now, but it was good just to fit again, ohh did I mention the 32 didn't fit me, but the 28 did!!! So just to make sure I tired on the 28's of like very brand and it is official, I am back in the 20's lol. My swim suit is also a 28! Ok, that is all for tonight, nothing to big or heavy this evening, just on my mind and I need some sleep,  gotta get up in just over 4 hours.

Peace!

The King has left

Poppa had a bad night, I didn't make it to work this morning because I was up all night with him and my and brain and body is worn out, it is worn for different reasons, but just like his mine is exhausted. It is noon and I am trying to get him to eat. I feel so helpless when he is sick like this. Work needs me, Michael needs me, the kids need me and the bill collectors want me!! I feel so torn all the time and I am always, no matter what I am letting someone down. Sorry, back to Michael. He almost passed out at the doc yesterday when getting blood drawn because he was so weak. He goes back in 3 weeks. His white count is down to 1.9, but his other counts are ok so no blood is needed. Doc was going over the protocol for next round and he said "this going to be a pain in the ass" He said it was going to be real hard on him, but we have to keep our mind on why he is going through it. Than it is hard to keep your mind on why when he is so sick and we know that non Hoskins is UNCURABLE. There is active and not active (remission), but it will never be gone and that sucks and makes it hard to keep your eye on the prize, what is the prize? Remission will be wonderful, I don't want to sound ungrateful if remission is what we get, but it will forever be "is it back" and knowing that after this hell of a round we have 2 years of chemo very similar to what he is doing now and let me tell you it is not fun. I don't know, guess I am having a day, but I am putting a smile on my face and trying to get him to eat because I can't let him know how scared I am or how stressed I am and yes I know he will read this eventually. I am not a dummy, I am stating how I feel, and I know he knows I am scared and stressed and worried. I just feel like I can not express it to him or go to him for comfort. I have been holding back for weeks and not blogging or posting because I want him to think I am positive and in a good place, but he knows better, I am sure the breakdown I had last Wednesday night and all Thursday didn't tip him off either. I really want to be able to hold it all together for him and the kids, I want to be their rock and I feel like I should be in a psych ward most days, not someone else’s rock. When people tell me how strong I am and how wonderful I am doing with it all, I feel like a fraud, because I don’t feel that strong, I don’t feel like I am doing a good job.

Ok I have finally convinced him to eat and he wants a big boy sandwich so I am going to make him get out of the house and take him to get big boy and than I will be back to this because what I thought was going to be a simple group update has turned into a blog entry. I have needed to blog, for me and have not had time, but sometimes things just happen when we need them.

Ok, I am back; he ate well, a patty melt and fries. Now he is lying on the couch watching his fav show, Maury lol. So lunch brings up another issue, I got my lap band tightened last Monday. This was my third fill and has really restricted my eating, which I needed, but it is hard. I quit smoking a year ago, have lost 90 lbs and still have a lot more to lose so it is necessary to get healthy, but c’mon! I can’t smoke, eat and sure as hell don’t make enough money to drink. Some days it is so hard to not just buy a pack of smokes. It would crush the kids and I know it would wreak havoc on my lungs and I have worked so hard to improve my health, but some days the stress is over whelming and all I can think of is relief. Some days are worse than others. Some days are good and I cherish those days, but even the good days, I don’t fully enjoy because I am on edge waiting for something to go wrong or bad.

My mom is nuts and is poison to my life, my dad is absent as he has always been. This is a time when I need them, I need my daddy to hug me and tell me it will be ok or if it is not ok he is there for me. I could use that motherly advice or that mom time when you talk like they do in the movies and have that mom to mom heart felt talk lol. Well instead, my dad is doing what ever he is doing, I wasn’t even invited over for Easter and the rest of the family was. My mom, well she told my son’s psychiatrist we abuse him and there is domestic violence in my home all because she is mental and has this weird obsession with my son. She truly thinks if she could get him taken from me than she could get custody of him, like that will ever happen! She hates men, my husband and my sister’s fiancé included. She also can’t stand my 8 year old daughter so let her say she is not mental, no one sane could dislike a child the way she can. She has always been that way! Her step children, other children. She is not right in the head and I can’t fix her and I quit trying. For years I have been there for her and tried to help her all the while reaching out to her trying to get a mom out of that mess and I give up on that. I don’t have the energy anymore, she thinks I won’t cut her out of my life, well I cut dad years ago and I can you also. I have to worry about me sometimes and you are not healthy for me or my family. Your grandson is traumatized by you, not me, you!!

I have also been thinking about a great friend of mine that passed away several years ago. I couldn’t figure out why he had been on my mind so much the last week until I was laying in bed a few nights ago and it hit me that it was May, he was born and died in May and even I didn’t realize it consciously my subconscious knew. I never had closure there, my life went a different direction than his, we would write and talk on the phone all the time, he was my closest friend and I talked to him about things that I still have not shared to this day with others. We got each other. I loved him like a brother, a best friend indeed. I decided to have children, something we said we would never do, because we were rock stars. Also I moved hours away. I still have letters from him and one in particular where he tells me he loves me, we were not big on feelings. I was reading it recently and it just got me. Here is the thing about his death, I didn’t know he died. Like I said we had grew a part some over the years and went our own direction. I would call him sometimes and check in and we would talk for hours and it was good. I had called him when I got out of the hospital when Meredith was born in April and he was having a issue with his girlfriend and she called in on the line and she said “call me back, I need to talk to her” I said “I see you don’t have time for me anymore” He said “promise you will call back” and I said “yeah asshole I will call you back” I didn’t call back, he died in May. I didn’t know. I called once more a few months later, late at night; I called late, and didn’t get an answer. I got busy with life and a second child and buying a house and so on. Well the following May (a year after he died) I moved in to my house and as I was unpacking I found a letter I wrote him, telling him about the KISS and Aerosmith concert I had went to and I never mailed the letter. This made me think of him, it was like 2 or 3 in the morning so I thought; “I am going to call him tomorrow”. Well I got on the computer and I was thinking about him and I started to Google the name of his band and such to see if I could find anything new with that. I thought I will find out what he has been into and when I call him tomorrow I will have something to talk about other than the kids. He was always aggravated that I decided to have kids and he hated my ex husband. Again, he was still a rock star and I was mom! Well I googled the band, didn’t find much so I than I started doing searches on him and I didn’t expect to find a group on MySpace that was a “memorial” to him. The person who was running it was another friend of mine that I had lost touch with, so I emailed her to see if this was real, I mean knowing him it could have been fake, he was twisted like that, we both were at one time. It was several days before I heard back from her and I was afraid to call his home, his parent’s home. When she wrote back I found that it was true, he was gone and I didn’t know, I didn’t go to the funeral, I didn’t pay my respects to his family that I loved, his sister, him mom and dad were the most amazing people you could meet, The whole family was just awesome. His mom was a great cook, always made interesting things, the last time I was in to visit she made this real neat pizza’s, Lennon and I we liked bagels and ketchup lol. For a small town, this family was a breath of fresh air. I had not, have not told them I found out or how much I am sorry or how much I loved Lennon and how much of an impact this news made on my life. I didn’t sleep for a long time, I would dream of him; I miss him all the time. We were not everyday talking friends anymore; we didn’t hang out because we lived so far apart. We had grown apart in many ways, but our souls were still best friends I feel. I still felt he was my best friends, had, have a picture of the 2 of us up in my home and would, still say “Oh that me and my best friend when we were in high school” when people ask about it. The picture is in my room now, I like having him close to my dreams. I can’t bring my self to get closure to this, I want to, and every year for several years now I go through this struggle with my self that wants to confront it, but can not. Part of me can still pretend like he is living his life and doing all the things we had talked about if I don’t confront it. We just lost touch and he is doing great things. He is alive and well. I know that is not true, but I guess I can still kind of feel that way, but the sadness I have and the quilt I hold for not knowing and for missing that and If I had been a better friend could I have seen it coming, could I have helped him? The guilt of not knowing and the guilt of not dealing with it once I knew is something I can not get past. No one knew how to get a hold of me, he was literally the only person I kept contact with from Hazard at the time, I didn’t care to keep contact with anyone else. I had some issues from that place. I would go to visit him and that was it. I have not been there in years. I am contemplating going to visit a friend, his friend, my friend, our friend, whom is having a baby. I want to go and see her so bad, I miss her and I am so happy that this baby is coming, though I don’t express it to her. She is an amazing person hat I love with all my heart and whom made an impact on me in my life. The thought of going back though, to see her brings up so much that I have been avoiding dealing with and I am scared to face those feelings and her. How could I not know he was gone?

I am really a messed up person, so you see why I feel like I am living a lie when people say how strong I am. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak. I feel like a crazy person most days. I am scared that I will lose Michael; I am scared to face the fact that I lost Lennon and I scared to live my self, because to live you have to feel.

Well I guess that is that. My therapy session. I really need to blog more, I need to because righting is my therapy, someone needs to remind me to write instead of trying to sort over a months worth of mess in one entry J

I give

Not much to say tonight except it is time for me to get off the ride. I having nothing else to give say do and I don't want to feel.

Love you all always!!

lean on me, so I can move and you can fall on your head

Sometimes you are alone and sometimes you feel alone, not sure which category I fall in to. People are around, but are they really. A few are there, I know that I can talk to and that will listen and give me sound advice. There are a few that I trust to really understand and not judge and be selfish assholes, but it is just not the same. It is not that everyday support that one would think a family would have when dealing with this pile of shit I call life.

I don't get it, I feel sad for us and I am us. The people we are supposed to be our biggest supporters are ones that would rather pull us down farther. Well let me tell you assholes, it is not possible, we are already at rock bottom and doing all we can to climb back up that mountain that used to be mole hill. Why is it that so much energy is wasted on bullshit, stuff that is not so important in the big picture, but can cause so much harm daily to feelings, emotions, attitudes and stress levels and well these things make the big picture. It can be a happy picture and it is not! It can be an unhappy picture which it is and it is starting to effect our attitudes and how we are dealing. We have done a good job as a family and when I say family I mean Michael the kids and I, of pulling together and doing what is needed to stay positive, laugh, cry when is needed and keep on going. Than you have people who's sole purpose is to bring you down, cause trouble and try to make it all look like your fault because what kind of people would they be if they were causing the trouble?

Some people just don't know when to shut up and butt out. Your help is appreciated, but you don't have to cause trouble. You tell me to take care of myself and than you refuse to let me have any time to do it, it seems like every time I try to rest, take any me time or make things easier for myself you cause trouble, start doing what you do best, saying things to just get stuff started and why, does it help? Making little remarks that just add to an already stressful situation. for once this paragraph was not about my in laws, I will get to them since they get a kick out of reading our blogs just to get pissed and throw them up in my husbands face.

Ok, now your turn, if you don't like hearing the truth or facing reality than stop reading, it is simple cause see you can't storm off or hang up the phone when things get to real, cause this is my blog and soldiers I love fight hard everyday so I have the right to say what I damn well please, Thank you little cousin David!

Children are people, they have feelings and opinions. Children can make choices about what they will tolerate just as adults can. When you mess with a child's family they take it personal. Blame us for what you have done if it makes you feel better, I will take the blame if it means my children have peace. I have told them that, blame me if you need a way out and I am fine with that. I am over it and it don't hurt me anymore, you can only burn someone so many times before they quit sticking there hand out or it becomes numb. If my children and let's face it, it is child because there is only one that is really being missed, if my daughter wants to talk and answer her phone she IS ALLOWED TO. She don't want to, even when I ask her to call and say thank you and be polite she don't want to. See I am not the one she is pissed at and the one she is tired of hearing. I am not the person she is avoiding so it may not be my fault. The problem here is when you have controlling people who want to have a say in everything you do, say and feel, they get pissy when you don't let them. Instead of saying I am proud of you for being your own person and taking control they say "you are not good enough and we spit on your for thinking you can do anything with out our approval" well the kids pick up on this, especially when you say inappropriate things to them. See I am their mother, I am allowed to discuss with them what I feel needs to be discusses and sometimes it is not pretty or in your favor, but it is the truth. I keep them informed and prepared and that is how I get their trust. I allow them to talk and have feelings and I don't have to control those feelings. If it makes you feel better to blame me, well it is not ok, but you have the right to do it and I don't care. Some things we break and they can't be fixed, sometimes a decision is made that impacts a person so profoundly that it can not be taken back.

Know that Meredith is being taken care of, her pediatrician is involved and so is her therapist and they both agree with her, not me, not Michael, but her! I have always put the kids first and that is one of the things you hate about me. I put family before other things, those things and problems will be there when I get to them but my family may not, they will out grow these years.

Since day 1 of this journey and before I have always tried to make decisions that are best, not sure if they were all sound ones, but I learned from each one good and bad. I have done what I feel in my heart is the best, not out of anger or control or selfishness, but from my true heart and love for my children and husband. I have no regrets, had not regrets and will have not regrets no matter what the outcome and I feel good about that, I have peace with that. Do you?

So much stuff I would rather be writing about, like our journey and happy stuff, but unfortunately, crisis strikes and brings the stupidity out. I see other families that are helping and caring and loving and understanding and supportive and I hurt for my husband and my children and my self. So much bullshit is talked, so many lies spread when that is not what love and life and support is at all.

I have been there for so many people in my years, I have been a person to talk to, a person to listen, a person for advice, I have given many a place to live, put food in their bellies, I have nurtured and guided. I have loved and supported and I have tried to always be a source of family support and love even when it was not deserved. I am not perfect and I am not bragging or throwing anything up, it is just that I feel it is not appreciated. One person in particular, I have been there for every time she has called, problems, happy, sad worried, she was never there for me, not once, I didn't care or ask her to be. Late nights on the computer talking, early morning phone calls, for 9 years I have tried to be a friend and a sister. The return I have gotten will never be forgotten or forgiven.

I hate to keep writing about negativity, but that is all I have anymore. The positive stuff is few and far between and don't last long enough for me to get to write about it. I am grateful for many things, I have my kids and my husband and I have a few good people in my life that I can turn to, the problem with that is that I have been burned so bad, that I don't really trust. It is hard for me to let go and reach out. I never really let my guard down anymore. I have so much built up inside of me some days I just feel like I am bursting at the seems and the only way to keep that from happening is this. Bitch and let some of it out.

I should be asleep, resting right now, but with so much chaos how can I. Meredith is upset on top of not feeling good, Ethan is acting out because of another person. Michael has been sick this week and irritated and pissy. No one is hearing what he has to say, he is not being respected and he feels angry at those who are causing him to feel that way, but who do you think is getting the grunt of that. Who is the one gets it taken out on them, me and the kids not the people who deserve it. This is what is really bothering me, this where we get to the therapy part, when I figure out the root of my problem. The root of that problem is this, my family and our relationships are being affected by people who don't know there role and continue to cross boundaries. People who have no respect for us, our feelings or what is going on. I tried to respect you and your feelings and be there even though I was going through my own thing, but you are no longer worthy of caring. Almost fooled me again with the little forgiveness, I am sorry circle of life email, but than turned around and put that knife in the back again, didn't even let the last wound heal first.

My kids and husband are hurting and you are making it worse not better. I can't help what you created, I don't know that you can fix it, each day is it looking less likely, I don't really think you want to honestly. Here is some advice though, look at yourself instead of looking for someone to blame, really see how you have acted, what you have said and lines you have crossed, not just since November, but even before. Ask your self, if this was my daughter going through this tough time and her husbands family was treating her and him this way how would I feel about it. If someone was acting this way towards my kids and hurting them what would I say and how would I feel. I am not trying to fix things and I don't even want to anymore, but I am trying to help some to understand. I don't talk about it anymore because I don't care, i don't argue about it because I don't have to. My family will come out of all of this stronger. I know we will.

Not sure what all I have wrote or who will get mad over it and I don't even care to go back reread it because it was all raw emotions and truths. I don't like seeing Meredith this angry, but she owns it, she has the wright to her feelings and they are justified. She got home from therapy and called and wanted to talk and she was shut down. The words used were "I don't know what your talking about" so there was another door slammed, not sure it can be reopened.

So much more I want to say off this topic. Maybe tomorrow, I am so tired and I never get to rest. My brain won't turn off.

It has been a bad day coming off of a bad day and I guess I just need to let that be it and hope for a better tomorrow.

I feel nuts though, I am doing the best I can and feel like I am doing a good job, but I am just getting knocked down from so many directions.

So many stupid things have been said, I want them out of my head, I want to let them go. I will try. I need love too and I just don't have any right now. I am stuck between hurt kids an angry husband and mom that don't know how to be supportive. She tries, but she just don't know how. Wonder why I have lost myself, well mom there is your answer, I love you none the less, even if you don't understand my journey or where I am.

Singing hey hey Momma can MY daddy come home!

I would like to start this entry off by saying I promise for this one entry I will not use the "F" word, just for you Grandma, because I love you so berry much :) .

     Nothing profound to say this evening, not that any of my ramblings are profound, but this one will be even less so. Just can't sleep for no particular reason and thinking about my children and how much they mean to me and how much daddy means to them. They keep asking me when daddy gets to come home, not sure if it is because they really miss him or because they are having a blast running over momo every minute of the day. I mourn for my babies this evening, I have been looking over pictures this evening, going through the gazillion I have on my computer of us all having fun, being silly, and enjoying life. Nothing stopped us from having fun, not money or time. Cancer however unfortunately seems to have stopped fun right in its track! We still try to make the best of things, and we have not given up getting our happy back, but it just is not the same for them or us. I can feel it and I know they can. It used to be "family" fun, but now it is different. Daddy is sick and can't enjoy a lot of the things we do even though he tries to be present for most of it and I spend most of our time trying to balance making it fun for them and being silly me and worrying and taking care of poppa. So I just get lost in the mix and don't really take the time that I used to order to cease the moment.

     Money is a bigger issue than it was before so I have to cut back on things we do, but that is not the biggest issue, there is still things to be done, Gilda's has a lot of fun things to do, there is things free or cheap every where, but we have to have time now, which was never a problem before, also I find that one major obstacle in having family fun, whether it be out or at home is that I am afraid to plan, I am afraid to get their hopes up. Life has become so unpredictable that there is a good chance they will get let down if I do or I will have to choose between them and him and that is just not fair! We went to Gilda's Mardi gras, well Meredith and I did, but it was a hard decision to make. Poppa was not having a good day, yet I did promise Meredith we would go and I should not have don't that. She is having such a hard time with all this that I just could not bear the thought of hurting her or letting her down and Michael being the father he is completely understood and would not hear of me having her miss it. We went and I had fun with Meredith and my niece Kansas. They had a blast running around being silly and doing their favorite thing, arts and crafts! In the first hour I did good, I was moving and groovin and hot gluein, laughin and dancin with them, but past that, I was just wore out for one, he had been sick all day and than I was worried about him being alone. I was txting and calling him and the girls noticed that I checked out, I tried to get my grove back, but I lost them, they left me and went to noogieland to color. They were ok with it, but I was not. I felt like I let them down. I know that their minds were with me though and Daddy or Uncle Mike, because when it was time to go and I went to noogieland to collect them they had made pictures for the both of us and they were so excited to take the float we made for Turtle home. It is on top of the fridge waiting for him to get home, we put it there cause we figure that will be the first place he goes since he eats all the time lol.

     I have Meredith an appointment on Tuesday to see her pediatrician, she is just not her bubbly self anymore, she wants to sleep more, her head hurts all the time, she has lost interest in many things she loved to do. I have to force her to go to cheerleading, or to go to the store. She gets angry easily and bursts out at anyone who looks at her sideways. That mommy in me wants to make it all better for her, I want to make the hurt, confusion, and doubts go away. I want her to feel safe and secure and confident, but cancer has taken that from her. I start to feel like I have failed her, because for one I can't fix it and second my husband’s family have made me feel that way. I have been criticized since the day he was diagnosed with how I have handled the kids and everything they think I have done wrong. I have always put my children first and I love them more than anything I can imagine. Part of taking care of them is taking care of their daddy and it seems they get that more than some of the judgmental adults in the situation. This is another blog entry though; I have not found forgiveness for some people even though I want to be that bigger person who can. I am not there yet. Meredith is a daddy's girl so I am sure this is why she is having the harder time of the two. She could use a strong male there right now, not to replace daddy, not to make her forget him, but to just make her feel safe again. The men that could give this to her are not. The man who probably means the second most to her is her Pawpaw and he has checked out also, putting his own feeling before those of his grandkids and his son. Michael needed him also and when he reached out to him, he was also let down, he is a big boy though and he can get through it. Meredith is a little girl who feels like she is losing her daddy even though we know she is not; it feels that way to her. She don't need all the silliness in her life no more than Michael or Ethan or I do. She don't trust anyone right now except me so that means she comes to me for everything and I am afraid that I may miss something or not be there when she needs me, I am a hot commodity these days and run around like a hamster in a wheel. Aunts that could also have been an important part in catching her decided that the easiest thing was to put it all on mommy and criticize her for not being superwoman and being able to do it all while processing her feelings, when what they could have done is own their role a little bit, for once and been there for her also, been that back up, instead they chose to just go ahead and ensure she would not trust them and they did that with their actions. Just recently one aunt came over to bring valentines and I caught myself trying to make Meredith interact and show appreciation to her, but why did I do that, she is entitled to be angry also and she is. She won't admit it to the people she is angry with because that is not her nature, she will admit it to me and she will show those feelings in subtle ways like ignoring you. I told her she was being rude and tried to make her be nice, but later when I was thinking about, more or less saying to myself that is something else I will be ripped over, talked about, criticized and blamed for, it hit me, what about why she did it, her feelings must be hurt over something, before cancer she would have been all over her aunt wanting to hang out, craving that attention she never gets. She is where I am, she is over it, and just don't care anymore, I don't want her there. She should not be there, but she is entitled to her feelings. We will get to bottom of it and I will do everything in MY power to help her.

      Ethan he is dealing a little better with most of it. His disabilities have kinda put him at an advantage in this situation. He is used to dealing with adversity. He is used to being in his own little world most of the time and cancer feels that way, like you are in this secret world. Also his comprehension is lower and he doesn’t fully understand the extent of what we are dealing with. It is effecting him though, don't get me wrong he is having issues also, but he seems to having healthier reaction and I feel that is partially because he has learned good coping skills in the last few years just dealing with life. He will ask me every now and than if dad is going to die and I assure him dad is a fighter and we are beating this and he smiles, he don't have to say anything I can see the relief in his smile. This round, while dad has been in the hospital he has been taking things of Michaels and wearing them and trying to keep them. He snuck Michaels class ring and watch and was wearing them, I had to take them away because I didn't want them lost, he has also been getting his wrestling belt down, trying it on and holding it, but he puts it back. I think that is his way of feeling close to Michael. He loves that man so much, they but head a lot and give each other a hard time, but he loves him so much and respects him so much. Dads and sons butt heads and push each other. He trusts me when I tell him everything is going to be ok, Meredith is more skeptical. He probably has the most fun of all of us, he is just a fun loving kid, he doesn’t let anything stop him anymore. He acts out sometimes, but over all he is handling things pretty well considering.

    I must have done some things right, my kids turned out ok and they love me and Michael. They may end up in therapy at some point because of us, but they will still love us :)

    As much as people want me to believe I am the problem, I don't believe that, I think sometimes I miss things and as much as I love my children, right now daddy needs me a little more and I will be there for all of them if it kills me. If I was the problem than I would be the one they have issues with and I am not.

     I just want to get thing back to a place we can all enjoy life again. Being alive is good, but what good is it if you are not living? We have to start living again. I have been working that back in to life and we have so much to look forward to, summer is almost here and Gilda’s has a lot going on the next few months also so we will get it back. Wow this therapy works, I feel better after blogging this out!

I need to blog again though after this one because it has brought out some other feelings about people and things I have been struggling with, but I need to process that some more before I do write about it. Once you emotionally beat the shit out of people you can not expect they are going to just get over it because you are. One person is trying, but my give a damn is still busted and I am not happy about it, but it just is. I am giving that to god and hoping he will send me in the right direction with that one.

For Hire, Body doubles

     I woke this morning after maybe 3 hours of sleep, eyes swollen so bad I could barely crack them open and they burn to. My head feels like a fat man is stepping on it. My body screams for some attention. I can't do it today, My husband had a bad night, no doubt brought on by his inability to just walk away from the ignorance that is his family. He has to argue with them, he thinks they will change or they will just all the sudden decide he is a priority or worth more than a dollar. His counts are down instead of up, he is out of it completely, and devistated at what his life has become, he was supposed to get out of the hospital today, but that is not going to happen.

     Meredith is sick, fever, throwing up, headach, is it an illness or is that child just stressed out, I don't know. We are all stressed out and the kids are no exception. I can't even comfort her right now, what I want is to crawl in the bed with her and hold her and sleep it all off, both of us just sleep and cry, but I can't. She may be contagious if it is a bug or sickness and with Michaels white counts being at 0.38 this morning I can not take the chance of carring it back to him.

I need to be at work getting another day of pay on that check, I can not afford to be here on a day like today, but what do I do. Even if Michael was doing well and Meredith was not sick, my body is wore down, this 5 days at the hospital and him being so sick, and the house, and lawyers and the kids and the worry and the arguing and the lack of sleep. Plus I have not been to the gym and I am stress eating for sure. I am all out of wack, things are just so , well they are just so.

I need a hug, but I don't like to be touched, if I get hugged I cry, I don't wanna cry. I need to feel so not alone and I know I am not, I have people, I have good people who are supportive, like most of you reading this, but I still feel alone. I could use Gilda's tonite, but he is sick and I won't go beause so much is going on, but still it is nice to know they are there.

I am needed every where and I need to be every where and How do you decide what is more important! The husband, the kids, making money?!? All of them are important.

Now on top of all the rest, I have to try and find a place to live. I won't go in to all that again, but rest assured very few people will have the address!!!!

We will one day get our happy back....................... I hope!