I don't wanna grow up, but if I did......

I remember being a child, first a toddler wanting to be big enough to get a big girl cup and wear big girl panties, than being a young girl who wanted to wear make up and have boys like me and well, I already had the boobs.Than there was adolescence, you wanted to be a cool teenager so bad and get to drive a car, or at least ride in a friends car, freedom was what we all wanted at that age, room to grow and be who we knew we were destine to be. Sex fun and gossip was what it was about. Then came young adult hood, late teens and early twenties, but not worry by this time you know everything there is to know about life and the problem is just that no one understand you! Problems then was where to go and hang out, and who was sleeping with who and who was in or out that week, my life was ruined by things like a girlfriend talking bad about you or dating a boy you liked. A simple dirty look or eye roll could just fuck up your whole day. The ultimate problem was people who didn't like you always starting trouble, calling you names, and judging you unfairly.

Well evidently I am a grown up now, ultimately that happened really fast over the last year and even though that last part is kind of still the same, the part about people not liking me and judging me unfairly, the rest has drastically changed and I would love for something like a spat with a girl friend to be my BIGGEST troubles and to be what kept me up at night, like this night when I have work tomorrow and need to be resting.

Things are not that simple anymore, back then it seemed like such a heavy burden, but now it seems like a vacation and even a little fun. I would trade "Brainwashing wife"  "Bad Mother" or  "Broke" FOR "fatty fatty" or "Bo Bo" or "Bubbles" any day. Those names may have hurt my feelings, but the ones I get called these days hurt my soul and my family. That though it not even a real problem, just petty bullshit.

Now grown up problems keep me up at night, like Cancer, who thought that at my age that would be such a common factor in a my life, my blog and my strength. Just in the last few weeks, my husband continues his fight, a friend I love has been struggling with the loss of her husband, another friend I adore and love was diagnosed and a new friend, but one with just as much of a connection to my life found out her husbands cancer is back. The common factor is all these stories is Cancer, something that was someone else's problem and not mine until a year ago and now it is my problem on many different levels, as a care taker, a wife, a mother and I am also trying to define my role as a friend and supporter to those who need me as much as I need them. I have found that all my years of "being the friend" and listening I have become good at being support for those who allow me to be. I have been the person in my family that often is the problem solver, the helper, the voice of logic, but I am just now branching out more to people who really need me. I had to also take on a role that was very difficult for me and still feels awkward, I have had to be the vulnerable one who needs help and has had to learn how to accept it.  But because of people I have met that have given me that support it makes me very aware and willing to pay it forward, i have learned from great friends like Carin, Tami, Mary and Barb how to be a good support in this community on these journey's and I embrace it and I get to help others, make friends and there fore allow other to pay it forward by learning from what I have been taught. It may not make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.

 My problems now are harder even though my life and child hood was no easy road because now I am the adult, the grown up, the decision maker, the figurer outer, the voice of reason, the one that is looked up to by those innocent people I created with love. I sometimes sit and think, I sometimes drift off in my own world and get lost, but one thing I drift off to lately is trying to figure out when I became the adult and if I am a good one or if my kids will look back at this time in our lives and be scared and feel I let them down. I feel very let down by my parents as an adult just as I did as a child and I don't want that.

This journal entry was inspired by my chldren, i am amazed at the people they are becoming and how they still like to spend time with me though I would expect them to be pushing me away. I talk to them often about serious and silly things. When I hear my daughter come home ranting about her day and school and troubles ( you know little girls) it takes me back and makes me laugh, I try not to take it to serious, but let her talk and share my experiences with her. Why did I want to grow up so fast? I wish I had not had to, I wish I had been allowed to be a child. Through talking to the kids though it took me back to the days of ole when the boy you like liking another girl was just the end of the world. I long for those days because this version of being a grown up that I got sucks. I make the best of it, don't get me wrong, it sucks, but we make it suck with style, I just wish I didn't have to try so hard all the time.

I have stressed to my kids to enjoy their childhood and to embrace it, I don't want them to grow up to fast and I don't care who makes fun of my son for playing with Barbies, better then kissing your daughter right!

I think though I have done a better job on my kids because during this conversation that inspired this post I tell Meredith that she is growing up so fast and before long she will be driving and dating and so on and she said to me that she didn't want to grow up, she wanted to stay a kid. At her age I wanted to grow a year a week.

This is another ranting post that don't make much sense I suppose, but the moral to the story is don't grow up to fast and even when you do, take time out to be a kid it will keep you sane.

Hugs and Kisses to you all,
Stefanie aka Fluffy

Awake

I am so tired and sleepy that I feel like a baby who has not had a nap in a week! I want to sleep so bad that I feel like I want to cry! I can not sleep, I have tired so hard to fall asleep for the last several nights with no success, it seems like I fall asleep just in time for the alarm to go off to get the kids up.

I am not sure what is keeping me up, there is so many options to chose from, tonight I could blame my foot, but I have pain pills, I could blame Michael feeling bad, but he is resting well, I could blame the pending PET scan results, but I am feel OK about that kinda I think. I could blame the up coming bone marrow biopsy, but I didn't expect to go ape shit over that until about Monday, because he may get sick again and it may not even happen. It could be finances, but I just try not to think about that anymore. It could be worrying about work or getting time donated, but I have no control over that either.

The phrase let god and let go comes to mind a lot lately, but those who know me, know I believe in god, but I am not very religious, I clash with organized religion and many of the church's beliefs so I am not sure how to  really navigate this either. I have so much inside me that I can not let go. Anger first, I don't know why it is the first feeling that comes to mind when I think about my feelings however it does, than comes sadness, than worry, than frustration, and finally exhaustion. I am not saying I am never happy, I have sprinkles of happy and that comes from time with my family, my children and my husband, I enjoy them and I feel happy when we are together, but it is not a dominate feeling and even when we are "having fun" I have so much going in my head that it is like I have ADD and I have to fight off all these distractions to get caught in the moment. I used to get caught in the moment so easy, to easy sometimes that I would ignore other things that needed my attention because I just loved to live in moments with my kids.

I look back at pictures and each album captures a moment, I recently added a lot of pictures to Michael's group on Facebook because I wanted everyone to see him the person not just the illness, I want him to be seen in his moments. I don't think anyone knows him like I do, people think they know Michael and they think they know me as they probably think they know you, but they know this idea of who we are that they have created, there are few people who really know who you are, who knows your heart and your head. Not to say that is a bad thing either, if everyone knew us the same way than relationships would not be special, we would all have the same connections and impersonal interactions. What is sad is those people who you should have special relationships with, but they don't take the time to get to know you, even if they have known you your whole life. Yeah I know I lost a few of you there, but it is ok because those of you know got it, get it and that is all I am asking lol.

I have been very emotional lately, I am not sure why, I can't say this or that is making me feel this way, it is just an over whelming feeling of emotions that sometimes I feel like I can't control. There are things I want and even need personally for me, but I don't express them and wouldn't know who to express them to, but I don't even think that it is it. Perhaps just as Michael's body is getting wore out my mental is getting wore out, as many times as he has been knocked down medically, I have been knocked down emotionally. It would make sense that there would be some effects from all the ups and downs over the last almost year now.

When he was sick this last time it kind of hit me how lost I have gotten in all of this, I had become comfortable with people telling me over and over and over how hard this is on him and how hard it is on the kids and what I need to do to make it better or easier for them and I never even considered until the last week he was in the hospital that I am part of those feelings also. this effects me also, its hard on me also and I absorb it all for my husband and my children so I get hit perhaps a little harder or deeper or something. I mean I am not saying I have it worse, because I don't believe that or feel that, but I feel I am more in this than anyone else aside from Michael so all those who keep telling me how hard this is on Michael or the kids, I know that, I am not stupid and the ones who want me to feel sorry for them and cry to me about how hard things are on them, because of the poor choices they make, I don't have the energy for you and I don't feel sorry for you.

 There is that anger turrets acting up again. Ok I just flipped off the air and I feel better, will try not to make another entry about my anger and frustration with stupid cause there is a better chance that we will find a cure for cancer than we will find one for stupid. If someone organized a walk to benefit a cure for stupid, I would donate, I would even walk. I bet records would be broke in fundraising, mostly because the stupid think they are not and would donate for their own cure lol. Ok I will stop now, I am just tired ranting now, though it is kind of funny ;)

I do find myself wanting to act out more than usual. I yell at my phone a lot and back space as to not be ugly. I try to focus on the positive, but it is so much easier to vocalize the negative or be angry. It is hard to find good things sometimes. These are reasons why it is good to have great people in your life, I have a person who lets me be angry and bitch and listens to me and never judges me for my anger. I have someone in my life that gives me great advice and helps me be impartial and gives me sound advice and I have someone in my life that makes me feel important and like I do matter in this journey, I think it may be because she has been in my role. People play different but important roles and I need them all. Some people have said to me they don't know how I "do it all", I just see it as the only option and I go! But to answer the question it is you all, the people who give me the outlets I need that make it possible. 

This has not been a real emotionally charged entry, there was not tears shed, I think for the first entry, but it is just thoughts during my journey. I am emotional, but feel emotionless right now, perhaps that is what is keeping me up. I hold it all in, I let it out in little burst sometimes because I am overflowing.  I can express my love and devotion that comes easy to me, but the other feelings I struggle with. I don't express my anger well or my sadness, or my worry, or my frustration or my exhaustion. I mention it here or there because writing is an outlet for me, but I don't really let them out. If that is the key to sleep, I am going to continue to be so very tired!

Am I talking to you?

Unbreakable 

I can't sleep so why not type, it may help! I can't get past the fact that he is still feeling so bad even though his counts are stabilizing, it makes me feel uneasy. PT never showed up either, I hope to see them today. Not sure who all reads this page, but I want to put this out there. Michael does now and will always come first before feelings getting hurt because people can't see past their own selfish train of thought. My children and my husband are where my obligation and loyalty lie. My children need to have him around just as I do. I love him enough to put myself last, I love him enough to look past his pain and his hurt to see the scared man he is. The fact that I am trying so hard to build him up and get him well and others are putting their feelings first and their own agenda's before MY FAMILY is not ok. I have tired to make peace and I have tired to heal, but I am not going to continue to be a punching bag or allow him to continue to be a punching bag because there are those who can not come to terms with their own guilt and still need someone to blame. When the BS don't stop it is hard for me to keep making excuses for you, you tear me down and I build you up to him because I thought that was what was best for him, but right now I am not sure I was right. He is fighting hard and for the same people to still be fighting him and taking his energy away from getting better, well tells me that nothing was learned. I try and try to help, I try and try to give advice on what he needs, yet he still comes second. I am hurting and I can't sleep because I see what you are doing to him, I can take it, go head punch me, I don't feel it anymore, but I seen that he shut down today and I need his head in the game. He is sick, he still has a long battle ahead of him, it is not over. I may always hurt over this for what it has done to my husband and for the loss I feel, there are things I will never understand and I have to stop trying. I can't understand how I am expected to comfort those who hurt me, why do I feel compassion when none is felt for me. I don't want to feel for people who are so careless with the life I hold so dear. I want to be strong enough to say I don't care. 

Michael said early on ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and he was right, and the actions continue to speak. There are few who we felt his energy should be used on, energy that he needs to fight, I thought perhaps if he spent that energy it would bring healing and it would give him some positive energy to replace the hurt and that would make up for that spent energy.  Again I was wrong. 

I could call out names, or I could be disrespectful and just say exactly what is on my mind, but I am above that. I have chosen to be above it the whole time. As I was attacked unfairly and lies spread about me and my family, I didn't waste my energy on you, I put him first, instead of putting my feelings first and wasting my energy on you I put him first and I put that energy in to him. Perhaps if your energy was there putting him before yourself, than you would not be holding so much guilt. I know I keep saying "you" and I am not talking to "one" you, there are many of "you" and if you are reading this and feeling guilty I am talking to you, If you are reading this and feeling angry at me or him I am talking to you, if you are on the phone reading this back and forth and talking about how right you are and how wrong he is or I am than I am talking to you.  If you decided that your friends or your social life or your time was more valuable than him I am talking to you. If you are angry that he has support from others in his life instead of glad he is not alone, I am talking to you!  If you put yourself before others when they need you most I AM TALKING TO YOU. Even if you have nothing to do with my personal situation and you are or have done these things I AM TALKING TO YOU!! 

I am not talking about you, I am not talking at you as many of you like to do, and I am not talking behind your back which is another favorite of yours. I am talking to you! 

The blog entry is not endorsed my Michael Thomas as his thoughts and feelings are not endorsed my me, they are supported though and if you can't figure out the difference between support and brain washing than I know I should not have to finish this sentence, but since you are hard headed I am going to I AM TALKING TO YOU!!! 

As he fights, he takes this poison in every day and absorbs it, and this time I am talking about the chemo when I say poison, not you! You go on living your life, I am sure you stop to think of him usually because something reminds you that you are being an ass. I am sure you miss him, when you are not busy with your life. I know you love him; just too bad you love your self more. He fights for me and his children and we fight back for him, perhaps if you were fighting for him he would be fighting back for you and the more people has to fight back for the harder he might fight. When you say it is to hot or to cold or your to tired or it’s to late, or you have plans when he needs you than you expect him to endure so much to live, your life don't depend on others or you might think differently. He has to trust right now. He has to trust his doctors, he has to trust me, he has to trust his body, he has to trust his self, he has to trust god. It is hard to trust when feel scared and insecure as he does and YOU make him not trust you, I didn't do that and he didn't do that. Some of you checked out on him long before he got sick, some of you think you were there, but chose another life just a few years before he got sick. Some of you believe you made our family, but we made our family. One of you he is not ready to give up on and he loves you very much and I know you know who you are and just so it won't get messed up I will call that name out Stephanie your brother loves you so much and he called you today because he is scared of losing you again, He don't want you to chose or be in the middle of anything, he just wants you to be his little sister and fight with him and you should be allowed to do that with out being put in the middle by anyone, no one should expect you to break your bond with him because they chose not to have one and they should not look at you as their "in", they are their own "in" so to speak and you were your own "in" and they chose to throw it away. You chose to allow you’re self to see past the bull shit and see we need you and you need us. We don't want all of you, just a part of you. Just know that no matter what, no matter how hurt or angry he is Michael loves you so much and as long as you can accept how he feels he can accept how you feel, you don't have to agree, you just have to put his feeling first when you are with him because he needs you. 

I am a good mother, I am good wife, I am a good provider and I am good person and I don't need anyone else to validate that, Michael validates that. If you don't like me, who cares I can live with that, but if you can't respect me than don't expect me to keep pretending. 

I am putting this out there because righting it what I do and I feel like it is my turn to be heard. I don't want anything in return, no response, any apology or grief. I just want you to let him be and if you are needed and want to help I will accept because that is what is best for him, we need help with the kids, with bills and medications to keep him alive, I need those who have not completely pushed him out of their lives to show up and be there for him when he is begging for attention and when he is alone. I don't need anyone telling me about his condition or what is best for him medically, I got that and I have kept him alive this long, give me some credit, I deserve it. I don't need anyone criticizing me for being with him when he needs me. I am not lazy, I have always worked, whether I worked to support my family or the 2 years I worked as a house wife and mother because that it what my family needed. You don't know why we have made our choices because you chose not to be part of our lives until he got sick. I work when I can and lazy, shit, do any of you know how much harder this job is? Perhaps had anyone else been willing to step up to the plate 10 months ago to really be there and be involved I could depend on you to step in so I could be more places I need to be, but you chose differently and that can not be undone and no one can catch up now.

When my bank account is 0 because I spend my money on bills and kids and medications and you tell him that you only have 300 in the bank and make him feel bad for needing a 10 dollar prescription, or when you tell him he only calls when he needs something, or you tell me that I should be able to provide better that is not help. Than in the same breath you say let us help, well do you want to help or do you want him to feel guilty for needing help. Do you want to help or do you want to make your self feel better. How many of you have picked up the kids on a regular, how many have asked if the kids had food on a regular, how many have asked me if  I needed a shoulder, just once when you were having your girls days out did you ever think, I bet Stefanie could use a break like this? No and I can live with that even though it makes me feel hurt, but again this is not about me, so let me ask, how many of you have stopped by when Michael was sitting home alone all day, and how many of you have brought Michael food when he was to weak to feed himself, how many of you took him out to lunch or a movie, how many of you called him just to talk about anything except cancer, how many of you took him to a ball game when he wanted to go, how many of you had the time, but had something better to do. There are enough people in this family with days off through the week and who are retired and who can afford to take an early day to get hair done, so he should never have to feel alone, but he does. He has begged for companion ship, I have emailed and begged for him. So let me use some names again and answer to you who has made that time for him and than you ask me why they come first to him and why he asks for them instead of you, Those people who put him first and didn't have to were Janet Rich, Jim Rich, Tami Schott, Lilia Rodriguez, Kimberly Etherton, Lisa Neal, Kevin Etherton, Carin Jett even during her toughest times, Mary Sanders, Sue Wyatt, Nelda Carman, Walter Brock, Janna Baldridge, Brittany Etherton, Andrew Pettit, Dan Torres (who has made it possible for me to be there)  Many Many people from his wellness group and my friends and family group at Gilda's I won't name you all because I will leave someone out and most recently Stephanie Mallory. I may have left someone out and I didn't do it on purpose, I have not yet been to bed at it is 7:16 am, so I am not as sharp and I could be, but if you have to ask "was I a person she left out" NO I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. 

I will close this with something I raise my children by; Life is about choices and living with those choices. I love you all, but sometimes loving someone from a distance is the only way you can love them. Like my own mother, I love her, I think of her and I miss her, but I have to love her from a distance. 

Again this was a public service announcement by Stefanie Gail Thomas and in no way shape for form is this Michael's words, I have a suspicion he will agree, but I have spent a long time relaying messages for him and being hated for it, at least this way you can hate me for my own message. 

The loss is great that I feel for some that just won't let me help, for others I feel nothing. 

If you made it to the end of this entry go take a Xanax, Michael has to take one every time he gets to the end of your shit so it is ok! 

Dear Enemy,

Today I try to make peace, peace with you cancer, I am tired of fighting you, we are going to be in each others life so is there any way we can learn to get along. There is no way to rid you, no matter if you are active, non active you are going to be in my life. You have been in my life for a long time, your first presence was made when you took my Great grandmother from me many years ago, she was the most important person in my life to this day and you took her. You have taken so many wonderful people from myself and those I love. You are evil, but I am trying to make peace with you so that I can live with you. I am not going to quit trying to harm you, I promise that I will never stop hating you, but I have to make peace with you in order to live my life. You have taken enough lives, you don't need mine, you don't need his, we will live in spite of you.

Hearts are breaking today because of you, it hits home today as my heart is breaking, but you do this every minute of every day to someone. From those who are just getting the news, hearing those words for the first time to those who are mourning the loss of a life you have taken from them. Right now as I write this you are hurting someone and for that reason I may never find peace with you, but I am trying. You are a selfish uncaring presence, you take sleep away from us, you hurt us, you make us cry, you cancer, you take away security and balance, you however can not take away our love. Love is something that you will never have nor take. There is none that has not been touched by you in one way or another so I know with all the people in the world there are those who have learned to make peace with you so I know it can be done.

I will need help in doing this, I will need help everyday to have peace with you in my life, help from friends and helps from god, help from family. I know that I am more fortunate than others, I lost my grandmother, but I still have my husband. I am not grateful to you for that, but I am grateful that I have him. I know that if we get the results we want to hear, the results that you are in hiding, that we scared you away and he is in remission it may make it easier to find that peace. However the fear of a re-occurrence or a new form of your ugly face will again make it hard. You are in my head, you are in my dreams and you consume my heart today, but today is the day that I try to find peace with you so that you can no longer have that power over me and I will take my life back from you some how and in time I will accomplish this goal. I will simply give you the middle finger and bid adieu as I take him to chemo and we fight you in more than one way!

drip drip drip goes the iv, boom boom boom goes the Earth!

Up giving Michael his iv while it thunders and lightening. I feel like I need a good cry, but don't deserve one. My mind is heavy today for several reasons. Yesterday was good day and night and today has sucked. From the first check of the email this morning, to Michael's heath set back today. I should be used to the ups and downs by now, but it is hard for us caretakers to watch and try and keep up with. I know for me this is a bump and I feel in my heart we will get remission and I know there are others that don't have the chance of or the hope for remission at this time and my heart breaks even more for them. Today I struggle with my feelings and fears and his health and the feeling of guilt of feeling sorry for my own situation. I know what she would say, and I know her heart, but still as scared as I am for me and as worried as I am for him, there are those who have it worse and I want to acknowledge that before I go on. I have been praying a lot today, honestly praying and I am not a big prayer, I will admit that. I have not been praying for me or for Michael today, but for someone who needs it more.

As I sit here watching him rest, knowing what his body going through and how much more it will be going through in a mere 3 days, watching and listening to the iv drip and the storm outside brew I know this is my life. I used to say is this really my life, like I was going to wake up, but I know this is my life now. Michael said to me tonight as my heart is breaking for him that he is sorry, he said he is sorry several times, to the point that I wanted to scream at him "stop fucking apologizing, this is not your fault". I refrained and told him it instead of screaming. He said to me that he is sorry that this has become my life, taking care of him and being disappointed and having a husband who can't even take me out for a nice evening. I don't want him to be sorry for me. Every day he fights for me he is doing more for me than I could ask for. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard and I don't regret not taking advantage of all the time I had him well and wasted it. I get mad at cancer and pissed off that he has to fight so hard, never am I disappointed by or at him!

Michael and I , as all married people have been thorough some stuff in our time together. Good and bad, some I am proud of some I am not. Up's and downs, better or worse and now sickness and health. We are going on 10 years now so that is expected, but I wish I turned them downs into up's quicker, but I would not trade the down's or worse because it has made up the couple we are today! It has made us strong enough to endure this journey and it has made our passion stronger. I think back to what has made this marriage work and not my last marriage, besides the fact that I was 18 lol.  Well I think one is love, this was truer and mature love, what I have now! Also it takes work and passion and you have to be with some one you are willing to fight with and against because you can't always be on the same side. For the most part though I think it comes down the simplicity of this. If you are more miserable with someone than you are with out them than it is time to walk away, but if you are more miserable with out them than there is a reason to stay. I have never felt that I would be happier with out Michael even we have been at our worst. I was there with Chuck, I was miserable every day at the bull shit and lies I had to put up with. I share these thoughts for a few reasons, one is I want Michael to know how I feel about him and another is that I have some real friends and family and and some Facebook friends who are going through a hard time in their relationships and sometimes it helps to hear that we all do. Even as Michael has been sick we have had fights, disagreements and that is great, we still have the passion and the fire, I can't let cancer take that away and I can not be afraid to treat him like my husband because that is what he is, that is his role to me. He told me the other day that I was being a bitch and I was being a bitch, the stress gets to me sometimes and I have a hard time hiding the bitch, I can hide the tears easier! Later and again Friday I laughed about it. We have always had a relationship where we said what was on our mind to each other and just do us, we talk to each other how we damn well please we love doing it and it helped us deal with life, we could always be honest and be us with each other. It made me feel good that he could tell me I was being bitch, he has not said that to me like that in a while, he sometimes acts like he owes me or something and like the can't say what is on his mind the same way I acted like the was sick and I couldn't say what was on my mind. Glad to know the balance is returning.

His health, it is frustrating me! I knew it was going to be a hard round and I have been through hard rounds and near death and fear and we have pulled through, but I am worried this time, like I was in the beginning, It is a new sick this time. Some days you would think he was fine, but most he is just out of it and I thought he would be bouncing back by now, he has not had chemo in 4 weeks, 3 planned, 1 unplanned. His counts are bouncing back, but his body is not, kind of scary! His endurance is shit, one good day means several bad. The one day is worth it though, don't get me wrong, he loves that day and looks forward to those 1 days, but I hate the after math even so. Today has been a bad one and those are ones that are draining for me, he sleeps through them and I know he feels bad and it can't be fun for him, but days like today I think are harder on me because I am with it and awake and watching him be so zapped, he wakes up periodically and apologizes and eats or drinks and then goes back out. I feel so bad for taking him out tonight, I thought it would be good for him but it didn't go well, he got real bad being out and it scared me, we did end up at O'Charley's and had a nice chat, but he was getting weaker and weaker as we sat there, but he wanted to eat his food, he didn't want to take it home and he didn't want to come home and me make him something, he had a taste for some O'Charley's and even when I can't afford it well, if I can pull it off and he has a taste I get it for him I want him to eat good so that is an expense I will work in when I can. I am worried about being out of work for 3 weeks and I pray I get a little time donated so I can make the bills, but it is what it is and it will work out some how. He needs me and we have gotten through worse than this. I think it will be a rough month, but we will come through ok. I am also so grateful for people who love us and are willing to help even when I am not willing to ask.

I have not been good during this bout of illness, I have sat and ate for 2 weeks and almost every day there has been ice cream involved. I am beating my self up over it, I know that if I don't allow my self to indulge in some comfort food I will indulgent in some comfort cigarettes and I don't want that so I am trying to do a little better each day, today for lunch I ate salad and for diner baked fish, but I did have my ice cream and brownie, but at least I didn't' have bad food also like other days. I know the storm will calm and I will get back to the norm. I am going to try and get back to the gym next week if he is ok enough for me to leave him an hour or 2 a few days. Not sure he will be though because he gets some serious chemo next week. We shall see, maybe I can get an hour while he is resting or something. I wish I had some ice cream right now lol. I won't buy it and keep it in the house because I will eat it all day long. If I want it, I have to go out and get it and that saves me some, if I don't feel like going out and even though most days I do it is just once and not all day lol.  I decided tomorrow to make sure I get my water intake, I have not been doing it good since I have been home, at work I take the jug and drink drink drink and than when I get home drink more, but I have been out of my routine, I am going to fill both mine and Michael's jugs up today and make sure I do every day while I am home and get him back in the habit as well.

Ok I am rambling now, just talking to myself really lmao! So I will leave you with this, why do restaurants put any ice cream dish, ala mode anything in any dish except a bowl, it may look cute on that little square plate, but it not comparable, I want to enjoy my desert while I can, not chase it around the plate!!!

This has been another rambling by Fluffy!

Phenomenal Woman

It has been a Maya Angelou kind of day for me, I searched my room until I found my copy of the complete collected poems of Maya Angelou today and this is one of my all time favorites from her so I thought I would just share!!! 

Not going to let anyone pull me down, because I am also a Phenomenal Woman, that's me! 

PHENOMENAL WOMANby Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.

Nurse Betty!

Staycation Pictures!!!


I would like to start this post by saying I am the worst caretaker in the world, if you need a caretaker call Dr. Kevorkian, he is can do better than me. I am OCD, I have so much anxiety that I sometimes take it out on the patient, ie. my husband. I can't cook very good, I cry erratically, even walking through Kroger like this evening for no good reason and I am sure people probably thought I was a nut job. I was not having a melt down or having a "special" moment or anything, but I did have tears falling and I could not fight them off. Ethan was with me, but he was to busy singing opera music and being ADD to notice! I love that kid and how he can just get lost in his own little world, I wish I could do that!!! I run the vacuum when you are sleeping because if I don't run the vacuum right now I will burst!!! I get neurotic when you leave your blanket out when you are not using it and it is not that i expect you to put it away, it is that i do and than you get cold and are afraid to ask for it back because I may have moment of "I can't take the chaos"!!!

I would like to add that I have not always been this crazy and I may be being a little hard on myself, but this is how I feel I am being as a care taker. I feel like I am a complete failure at it, I should be proud that you are alive after 3 days of me taking care of you, but the question is are you glad your alive after 3 days of me taking care of you???

I felt like I was a better care taker in December when I did this, except for Christmas Night, aka to much tequila night!!!

I want to be one of those tv women who have it all together, diner on the table at the perfect time, perfectly prepared at just the right time, with bathed children who sat the table and did their home work (yes I know it is summer break). I want my house to be so clean that one of those magazine people are here to speak with me in front of my mantle (I don't have one or a fire place for that matter) about how perfect my family is and how I keep my home so well.

Who the fuck am I kidding, my family was never that, but that is the image I have in my head of how I should be in this situation. I should have it all together in a perfectly perfect kind of way that amazes everyone. People tell me how strong I am and what a good job I am doing and I feel like a fraud, I feel like I am barely hanging on waiting for something else to happen to throw my hanging by a thread plan off track.

My kids have been wonderful, they have helped me clean, cook, they have been on good behavior except for a melt down once by Ethan. They have done what was asked and even done things I didn't ask. Meredith cleaned her whole room and all I had to was go in sweep and vacuum and she did it to my standards and that is hard to do when I am like this. She even has been coming to me and telling me when she throws her straw paper away from the juice because I have had a melt down or 4 over those plastic juice straw papers :\

I don't know why my anxiety is so high, I have had harder times, November and December was a nightmare, but my anxiety is just off the charts, it was actually off the charts before this health decline with Michael, I was getting in under control though, I was back to my normal meds or less and dealing. For the last and a half though I have been nuts, eating like a crazy person and junk and that has not been me for over a year, I have been craving smokes again and I have not had that crave in a long while, I have had the occasional and mean very occasional smoke socially while drinking, maybe a total of 5 in over a year, but even then I didn't crave it and I didn't need one the next day or anything, so I am not sure why I am craving them again all the sudden. The more I think about it the more I want one. I gotta get back to the gym and work through this for my health, figure and sanity!

I think maybe that I kinda had it in my head that we were out of the woods and we were gonna go right in to remission and we were not going to have any more issues and than this smacked me and I got scared that I was going to lose him again and I was not ready for that, you are never ready, but his health went down hill fast and is bouncing back slowly, the next month is gonna be hard as hell and I know that, but it don't make it easier.

The kids are going to Florida on Friday, I am glad for them and so happy, also sad though, I am going to miss their first time seeing the ocean and all the fun they are going to have and here goes the fucking tears again. I was supposed to be doing all this stuff at this time in my life and instead I am just hoping I can keep dad healthy. I am mad as hell that I have to rely on cell phones and pictures to share my children s life with them for much of it any more. I am mad as hell that my role has changed and it seems like so many people are having fun and enjoying the things I should be enjoying. Don't get me wrong either, I want the people I love to live life and have fun, but it is hard for me to hear about it. My close friend went on vacation and I didn't even want to answer her phone call when she got back because I didn't want to feel that hurt or dare I say jealousy!!! I know this makes me a bitch and I don't mean to be, I can't help my feelings. I did answer and I did talk to her and she was wore out and stresses from the kids on vacation so there you go, the grass is not always greener blah blah! Sometimes though I enjoy seeing and hearing the stories it makes me smile to see those I love enjoying life. I am just nuts a basket case. Like the kids going to Florida I am happy for them and I am glad they get the opportunity, but I am also morning the loss of the opportunity to experience it with them. I am glad that my in laws are taking them, they need some fun and away from this mess, i am not upset or feel like my in laws are taking it away from me, but I feel like cancer has taken it away from me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, my husband is winning his battle, he is going to win, times are hard right now, but we will hear those words remission and this is all worth it.

I have so many worries at this time that many people can't understand. Others can't understand the decisions I make, why bring him home when I could leave him in the hospital and possibly work and not have to worry about the bills, well let me answer that for you, because I prefer him alive than the bills paid, We will make it, August will be rough, but than September will be better. Things from here on out may be more difficult than they should have been, but we will be ok and we will make it through.

I would rather be the supporter than the supported and that is hard for me. I am one of those weird people that enjoy watching everyone open their Christmas presents on Christmas, but hate to be the one to open a gift. I don't like to ask for or need help and I have had to swallow some pride and just say thank you during this journey and am so grateful to have a few people in my life that get that and can understand that it is hard for me and I am grateful, but I don't quite know how to express it or gracefully except it. I usually babble or change the subject. Just something else I suck at lol. I love you guys and you all know who you are, I don't have to call you out in a my blog post.

Oh and I am going to cook breakfast in the morning, I rarely cook breakfast, I am not good at it, I am not a big breakfast eater and I just don't typically do it, but since I am home and my kids are home and my husband is home I want a family breakfast so while i was crying through Kroger I got stuff to make breakfast in the morning, I have eggs left over from making brownies from the bake sale and never really use eggs so I need to cook them and that got me thinking about a family breakfast so this is going to go down in the morning, I am sure it will be more like a breakfast lunch lol, but it will have the same effect! I am looking forward to it and so are the kids, Ethan got super excited about it and Meredith said you bought breakfast for us to have in the morning lmao, I said no I am going to cook breakfast and she giggled and asked if she could help.

I have been typing this, facebooking with myself, nursing and watching a span of old shows, from gi joe, jem to family ties. Perhaps I am not as bad of a care taker as I let on, but he deserves better and the kids deserve better and I want to be better. I can't wait unitl morning so I can have breakfast with my family and hopefully talk and be like one of those tv families even if it is Roseann lol.

Before I go I would like to touch on Metal Fest 3, My family had a so much fun, just out in the open, no distractions, just each other, music, fishing, laughing and working hard. We teamed together to take care of dad also, to keep him cool and hydrated, we bonded as a family and that is something I would not trade for the world. We love each other. We enjoyed each other so much that weekend. We stunk, and we sweated, we were hot and we were hungry sometimes lol, but we just had fun with it, we didn't fight or snap at each other like we often do at home. I can't remember the last time we laughed so much together.

Also Our staycation was awesome, great family fun and bonding, maybe I don't need to be jealous, thought we may not be able to go to ocean we have made the best of our summer together and had some good times. Also we fell in love with our city all over again!!!


Ok babbling must come to an end, this had no purpose as usual, just to talk through my own issues with my self.

Have a good night, morning, or day, what ever time it is in your world right now!

Metal Fest 3 pictures!!!

Stefanie

Reality Bites

Last night was a blast, I had so much fun with my coworkers and friends. I may have drank just a little to much, but I think I deserve some fun sometimes and if you don't agree, well who cares. Love all of the people who came out to support our Light the Night Comedy night fundraiser and and I delivered what was promised, fun, comedy and me drunk and stupid. 

The comedians rocked, I embarrassed my self so they didn't have to, for those of you who were there all I gotta say is 13 lmao, I can't believe I said that out loud! 

I can not remember the last time I got to sit, talk, drink, laugh and just be me, really be myself. It has been a long while. Before I go on with the therapy session I just want to thank each of you for being there and helping me to find that fun person I once was, even if for one night! That person who don't care and just wants to live life as it comes. 

I was me, it was good, but Michael was missing, he was not himself, he didn't feel to good as usual, he got tired early and we had to leave. He laughed at the comedy show, but he didn't socialize or talk much or seem to enjoy being out and company. Most people though either he didn't like them or we were fighting lol. Nope, this is just what cancer has done to him. I told him today that next time we go out he should pick the place and let's go do something he wants to do, I told him I want him to have some fun. He said that there is no point, he won't have fun no matter where he goes. Some how, some way we will get his happy back. I miss him, I miss being silly with him out, him singing karaoke and me drunk dancing and acting like he is a rock star. I miss shooting pool and both of us sucking. I miss playing domino's at the kitchen table while we argue over what music to listen to. This missing him, this feeling lonely has taken me to a place I never though I would be with him or my self. I realized this today. I won't go in to details and it's not anything bad or for those you who are still hoping, will cause us to split up, just a realization of feelings that I had to check and I did. 

So much has changed in the last year, I am still adjusting in some ways I guess. Somethings I just simply don't want to adjust to and am giving it that teenage stubbornness that says "hell no mom, you can't make me" . I believe somethings in life aren't meant to be accepted, but changed, I am still changing. I feel like sometimes all I do is complain and I don't want to be that person, I don't want people to not want to talk to me because I am that girl that complains all the time. I just miss my best friend, my partner in crime!! Like right now, I am starving, I want some taco bell, this time last year, I would have said lets go to taco in our pajama's and house shoes, I am hungry and he would have said "your nuts" and we would have went anyways, only he wouldn't have worn his house shoes and he would have wore pajama's disguised as cloths! But this year, I just sit here lonely while I let him rest because he needs his rest. 

Ok moving on to the next item on the agenda, This next round has the shit scared out of me, his body and his will is so weak anymore. I feel like he has kind of just stopped trying. He does what needs to be done, but I feel like he is relying the meds alone and not on his self, his attitude, his persistence and his want to be here with me and the kids. Losing him has been a fear since the first day, but over the last few months that fear has subsided a little until this week. People see him and say he looks good or seems to be doing well. He works hard for that appearance and even so, even when he is having a great day, he is not Big Mike, Vic Viscious and no that is not a spelling error that is how he spells it. He is not my asshole that I love so much. 

With as much fun as I had last night and I did have so much much fun with you guys, today is back to reality, the reality that I had fun with out him, he was there, but he was gone. The reality that because he was there (physically) he is not mentally or physically today. We went to his moms and went swimming he walked around the pool, but still not him, he wouldn't make a whorl pool with us or bug the kids or even bitch about their annoying splashing and silliness. 

Reality bites, but it is what it is, it is my reality and I am adjusting. I would take this reality any day though over the reality of not having him here, in my life, even if it is just to watch him sleep.

I love you Michael and I thank god that I had you here to celebrate our anniversary with and even though you was not your self, you are mine and I am yours and forever I will fight to get you back from this evil disease! 

So here we are again, just got out of one of those hot showers, the ones you go to cry and I still can not sleep so here I am hoping this will help. Perhaps if I kept my word to my self and actually blogged more often I would not hold so much in.

Michael is in bed, he has not been feeling well over the weekend which is when I usually blog incase you missed the pattern. He stared feeling bad last week and wouldn't go to the doctor, finally he agreed to go to immediate care on Sunday, nothing serious, a pretty bad sinus infection that called for some pretty expensive meds, but he should be feeling better soon, I hope. He is coughing a lot and such. We go to see his oncologist the amazing Doc Hadley on Wednesday so I will have him take a look then also to be on the safe side. The last few weeks have been O.K. Some minor problems, fatigue, him feeling a little down at times and nausea with all the chemo pills, but compared the first 6 weeks of this round and the last 6 months it has not been horrible. I remind you though I can not let my guard down because I know what is coming. We had a talk tonight about some things, not mine to bring up here, but I know his heart is heavy, I don't think I helped though; perhaps I made him feel worse. It was not my intention, but sometimes the best intentions just are not comforting.

The car is in the shop again, picked it up from the shop on Monday went back in on Thursday and I won't get it back until at least Wednesday. The transmission is being replaced and now I am in debt to my in-laws again. I am glad they are there to help, however I don't like that feeling of owing someone again. That feeling of having to feel bad knowing you owe someone, I can't explain the feeling and there is a little more there, that I also don't care to go in to at this time. It is again not my issues to share; I will stick to sharing my issues in this edition lol. I just hope money don't come between us, again. I think money is a silly thing to come between families. That is all I am going to say about that. If you read this though thank you all for your help with this issue. With out my car, my life would be impossible right now defiantly!

I am struggling a little this evening with another evil that has come from cancer. Loss of being "the wife". Yes for those of you rooting for him to leave me, we are still together and in love. I just miss being his wife, you know the woman, though I have always been strong and kind of the man in our relationship, I do miss being the wife when I want to. I miss him taking care of me sometimes. I miss feeling secure in his arms and I miss sharing all my hopes, dreams and feeling with him. I could share hopes and dreams if I had any, but those are something else that cancer chewed up and spit in my face. My feelings, I mostly keep them to myself. This evening I almost got to be the wife a little while. I was watching t.v., he was on the computer and he came to me and said "let's go to bed, I will give you a massage and you can relax". Now my back has been killing me for days and tomorrow is going to be hell at work, which is why I should be in bed and not here doing this. It is the last day of the month at the food stamp office, after a 4 day weekend, just saying. Anyways, I felt like he got that I needed some attention and maybe he did. We go to bed and I am ready to relax and talk to him about me, and get some much needed attention from my husband, not the cancer patient, not the person I take care, not from people concerned about him, but from my husband, those of you going through this battle might get that. I was ready and it felt good to have him offer that up out of no where, like he used to. Well I am sitting here so it must not have gone well. I didn't get the massage, instead we talked, about things on his mind and that turned in to things on my mind, there was no relaxing, there was no massage. Just more stress, more things to think about and more things to keep me from sleeping. Now he is resting and I sit here typing and my 3 loyal readers will say something nice to make me feel better, but I need him, I need to be his wife, just for a few hours. I miss going out to the ball game and him going to get me a drink or a snack, I miss needing gas in the car and him doing it for me, I miss taking walks with him at night, talking while the kids run off in front of us laughing because the can beat us, when really we are glad to have the time alone to walk and talk. Again being the wife. Now I am the husband and the mother and the care taker, nurse, friend, lover sometimes, but I don't feel much like a wife. It is not his fault, I am not mad at him so don't go there, I am not blaming anything but this fucking disease (grandma you knew I had to fuck once so go ahead and scold me about my mouth).

When we was out this weekend, he said to me, he was my bitch, he was carrying my purse, I don't remember where we was or why he had it, but I am one of those wife’s that has her husband hold her purse occasionally, well often. But he said to me that I pay for everything, I drive him around, and he is my bitch so he should carry the purse. He was joking and I admit at the time and in the situation it was funny. I think about it right now though and I imagine how he must be feeling while I wine about how I feel. He has lost driving for the most part, he has lost working, and he can't stand or walk for very long, he feels horrible all the time from poison in his body. I can't image that he feels much like a husband right now either. So how can I be the wife if he does not feel like the husband? I try to make him feel like a man often. Like when we go out to eat, I leave the bill for him to pay lol, we have a joint account and he said to me the other day "are you going to let me pretend to pay the bill again, I don't have any money" Well I look at it as our money, when I was in college and could not afford to work thanks to high priced child care, he worked and it was our money, but I get that it is different for men. He will start to get Social Security in a couple months sure, but I guess that is still not the same to him. I guess we have to redefine our roles and go with it. We are more connected at this time in our 9 years than I think we have ever been. We laugh more, we talk more, we spend a lot more time together since his is not working late anymore, we are happy for the most part. We are both dealing with some loss though and I know that is normal, blah blah, but it is still there and hard to process sometime, like tonight when I want and need to be the wife.

The kids are nuts, Meredith is the little momma and for the most part helping out, she give me fits, don't get me wrong, but she is more willing to help and give me a lot of love. Ethan who has been dealing well until recently he is starting to rebel, talk back a lot, do what he’s told not to do and fight with me about everything. I know that part of that is that he is 10 and he starting to take that turn toward teenager, but I think some of it is dealing with all this stuff and needing a man to be there and well I am dad right now for the most part, Michael is here, thank god, he is here, but he is kinds of disconnected. I got to fix that one, the kids need him still. We talked tonight and I think it will help, but I don't think he is happy with me right now.  I want to help though. Cancer has messed up a lot of shit, but we can't let it mess us this family. We are a strong family, a foursome of goffy,  hip hoppin wii playing, bats game going, head bangers and we can make it through it all whole. I know we can.

We are going to end this one with a positive, I went with my sister to look for me a swim suit and I found one, big deal right, well if you spent the last 5 years not having one because there was none in the stores to fit you, than you would be excited also, I am guessing I am at that 100 lb mark now, last week when I weighed it was 99 lbs. Also, I was wearing a size 36 or larger when I started my wellness journey and I tried on some pants today, just for curiosity sake and I got a 32 thinking they would probably not fit, I said to my sister " I know I am not here yet, but lets see how close I am" We were in fashion bug, thanks to her having an awesome coupon that got me a swim suit at wal mart prices lol, and a 32 is as big as they go. I have not even been able to shop there in years because they don't carry my size or should I say didn't. I can't afford to shop now, but it was good just to fit again, ohh did I mention the 32 didn't fit me, but the 28 did!!! So just to make sure I tired on the 28's of like very brand and it is official, I am back in the 20's lol. My swim suit is also a 28! Ok, that is all for tonight, nothing to big or heavy this evening, just on my mind and I need some sleep,  gotta get up in just over 4 hours.

Peace!

The King has left

Poppa had a bad night, I didn't make it to work this morning because I was up all night with him and my and brain and body is worn out, it is worn for different reasons, but just like his mine is exhausted. It is noon and I am trying to get him to eat. I feel so helpless when he is sick like this. Work needs me, Michael needs me, the kids need me and the bill collectors want me!! I feel so torn all the time and I am always, no matter what I am letting someone down. Sorry, back to Michael. He almost passed out at the doc yesterday when getting blood drawn because he was so weak. He goes back in 3 weeks. His white count is down to 1.9, but his other counts are ok so no blood is needed. Doc was going over the protocol for next round and he said "this going to be a pain in the ass" He said it was going to be real hard on him, but we have to keep our mind on why he is going through it. Than it is hard to keep your mind on why when he is so sick and we know that non Hoskins is UNCURABLE. There is active and not active (remission), but it will never be gone and that sucks and makes it hard to keep your eye on the prize, what is the prize? Remission will be wonderful, I don't want to sound ungrateful if remission is what we get, but it will forever be "is it back" and knowing that after this hell of a round we have 2 years of chemo very similar to what he is doing now and let me tell you it is not fun. I don't know, guess I am having a day, but I am putting a smile on my face and trying to get him to eat because I can't let him know how scared I am or how stressed I am and yes I know he will read this eventually. I am not a dummy, I am stating how I feel, and I know he knows I am scared and stressed and worried. I just feel like I can not express it to him or go to him for comfort. I have been holding back for weeks and not blogging or posting because I want him to think I am positive and in a good place, but he knows better, I am sure the breakdown I had last Wednesday night and all Thursday didn't tip him off either. I really want to be able to hold it all together for him and the kids, I want to be their rock and I feel like I should be in a psych ward most days, not someone else’s rock. When people tell me how strong I am and how wonderful I am doing with it all, I feel like a fraud, because I don’t feel that strong, I don’t feel like I am doing a good job.

Ok I have finally convinced him to eat and he wants a big boy sandwich so I am going to make him get out of the house and take him to get big boy and than I will be back to this because what I thought was going to be a simple group update has turned into a blog entry. I have needed to blog, for me and have not had time, but sometimes things just happen when we need them.

Ok, I am back; he ate well, a patty melt and fries. Now he is lying on the couch watching his fav show, Maury lol. So lunch brings up another issue, I got my lap band tightened last Monday. This was my third fill and has really restricted my eating, which I needed, but it is hard. I quit smoking a year ago, have lost 90 lbs and still have a lot more to lose so it is necessary to get healthy, but c’mon! I can’t smoke, eat and sure as hell don’t make enough money to drink. Some days it is so hard to not just buy a pack of smokes. It would crush the kids and I know it would wreak havoc on my lungs and I have worked so hard to improve my health, but some days the stress is over whelming and all I can think of is relief. Some days are worse than others. Some days are good and I cherish those days, but even the good days, I don’t fully enjoy because I am on edge waiting for something to go wrong or bad.

My mom is nuts and is poison to my life, my dad is absent as he has always been. This is a time when I need them, I need my daddy to hug me and tell me it will be ok or if it is not ok he is there for me. I could use that motherly advice or that mom time when you talk like they do in the movies and have that mom to mom heart felt talk lol. Well instead, my dad is doing what ever he is doing, I wasn’t even invited over for Easter and the rest of the family was. My mom, well she told my son’s psychiatrist we abuse him and there is domestic violence in my home all because she is mental and has this weird obsession with my son. She truly thinks if she could get him taken from me than she could get custody of him, like that will ever happen! She hates men, my husband and my sister’s fiancé included. She also can’t stand my 8 year old daughter so let her say she is not mental, no one sane could dislike a child the way she can. She has always been that way! Her step children, other children. She is not right in the head and I can’t fix her and I quit trying. For years I have been there for her and tried to help her all the while reaching out to her trying to get a mom out of that mess and I give up on that. I don’t have the energy anymore, she thinks I won’t cut her out of my life, well I cut dad years ago and I can you also. I have to worry about me sometimes and you are not healthy for me or my family. Your grandson is traumatized by you, not me, you!!

I have also been thinking about a great friend of mine that passed away several years ago. I couldn’t figure out why he had been on my mind so much the last week until I was laying in bed a few nights ago and it hit me that it was May, he was born and died in May and even I didn’t realize it consciously my subconscious knew. I never had closure there, my life went a different direction than his, we would write and talk on the phone all the time, he was my closest friend and I talked to him about things that I still have not shared to this day with others. We got each other. I loved him like a brother, a best friend indeed. I decided to have children, something we said we would never do, because we were rock stars. Also I moved hours away. I still have letters from him and one in particular where he tells me he loves me, we were not big on feelings. I was reading it recently and it just got me. Here is the thing about his death, I didn’t know he died. Like I said we had grew a part some over the years and went our own direction. I would call him sometimes and check in and we would talk for hours and it was good. I had called him when I got out of the hospital when Meredith was born in April and he was having a issue with his girlfriend and she called in on the line and she said “call me back, I need to talk to her” I said “I see you don’t have time for me anymore” He said “promise you will call back” and I said “yeah asshole I will call you back” I didn’t call back, he died in May. I didn’t know. I called once more a few months later, late at night; I called late, and didn’t get an answer. I got busy with life and a second child and buying a house and so on. Well the following May (a year after he died) I moved in to my house and as I was unpacking I found a letter I wrote him, telling him about the KISS and Aerosmith concert I had went to and I never mailed the letter. This made me think of him, it was like 2 or 3 in the morning so I thought; “I am going to call him tomorrow”. Well I got on the computer and I was thinking about him and I started to Google the name of his band and such to see if I could find anything new with that. I thought I will find out what he has been into and when I call him tomorrow I will have something to talk about other than the kids. He was always aggravated that I decided to have kids and he hated my ex husband. Again, he was still a rock star and I was mom! Well I googled the band, didn’t find much so I than I started doing searches on him and I didn’t expect to find a group on MySpace that was a “memorial” to him. The person who was running it was another friend of mine that I had lost touch with, so I emailed her to see if this was real, I mean knowing him it could have been fake, he was twisted like that, we both were at one time. It was several days before I heard back from her and I was afraid to call his home, his parent’s home. When she wrote back I found that it was true, he was gone and I didn’t know, I didn’t go to the funeral, I didn’t pay my respects to his family that I loved, his sister, him mom and dad were the most amazing people you could meet, The whole family was just awesome. His mom was a great cook, always made interesting things, the last time I was in to visit she made this real neat pizza’s, Lennon and I we liked bagels and ketchup lol. For a small town, this family was a breath of fresh air. I had not, have not told them I found out or how much I am sorry or how much I loved Lennon and how much of an impact this news made on my life. I didn’t sleep for a long time, I would dream of him; I miss him all the time. We were not everyday talking friends anymore; we didn’t hang out because we lived so far apart. We had grown apart in many ways, but our souls were still best friends I feel. I still felt he was my best friends, had, have a picture of the 2 of us up in my home and would, still say “Oh that me and my best friend when we were in high school” when people ask about it. The picture is in my room now, I like having him close to my dreams. I can’t bring my self to get closure to this, I want to, and every year for several years now I go through this struggle with my self that wants to confront it, but can not. Part of me can still pretend like he is living his life and doing all the things we had talked about if I don’t confront it. We just lost touch and he is doing great things. He is alive and well. I know that is not true, but I guess I can still kind of feel that way, but the sadness I have and the quilt I hold for not knowing and for missing that and If I had been a better friend could I have seen it coming, could I have helped him? The guilt of not knowing and the guilt of not dealing with it once I knew is something I can not get past. No one knew how to get a hold of me, he was literally the only person I kept contact with from Hazard at the time, I didn’t care to keep contact with anyone else. I had some issues from that place. I would go to visit him and that was it. I have not been there in years. I am contemplating going to visit a friend, his friend, my friend, our friend, whom is having a baby. I want to go and see her so bad, I miss her and I am so happy that this baby is coming, though I don’t express it to her. She is an amazing person hat I love with all my heart and whom made an impact on me in my life. The thought of going back though, to see her brings up so much that I have been avoiding dealing with and I am scared to face those feelings and her. How could I not know he was gone?

I am really a messed up person, so you see why I feel like I am living a lie when people say how strong I am. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak. I feel like a crazy person most days. I am scared that I will lose Michael; I am scared to face the fact that I lost Lennon and I scared to live my self, because to live you have to feel.

Well I guess that is that. My therapy session. I really need to blog more, I need to because righting is my therapy, someone needs to remind me to write instead of trying to sort over a months worth of mess in one entry J

I give

Not much to say tonight except it is time for me to get off the ride. I having nothing else to give say do and I don't want to feel.

Love you all always!!

lean on me, so I can move and you can fall on your head

Sometimes you are alone and sometimes you feel alone, not sure which category I fall in to. People are around, but are they really. A few are there, I know that I can talk to and that will listen and give me sound advice. There are a few that I trust to really understand and not judge and be selfish assholes, but it is just not the same. It is not that everyday support that one would think a family would have when dealing with this pile of shit I call life.

I don't get it, I feel sad for us and I am us. The people we are supposed to be our biggest supporters are ones that would rather pull us down farther. Well let me tell you assholes, it is not possible, we are already at rock bottom and doing all we can to climb back up that mountain that used to be mole hill. Why is it that so much energy is wasted on bullshit, stuff that is not so important in the big picture, but can cause so much harm daily to feelings, emotions, attitudes and stress levels and well these things make the big picture. It can be a happy picture and it is not! It can be an unhappy picture which it is and it is starting to effect our attitudes and how we are dealing. We have done a good job as a family and when I say family I mean Michael the kids and I, of pulling together and doing what is needed to stay positive, laugh, cry when is needed and keep on going. Than you have people who's sole purpose is to bring you down, cause trouble and try to make it all look like your fault because what kind of people would they be if they were causing the trouble?

Some people just don't know when to shut up and butt out. Your help is appreciated, but you don't have to cause trouble. You tell me to take care of myself and than you refuse to let me have any time to do it, it seems like every time I try to rest, take any me time or make things easier for myself you cause trouble, start doing what you do best, saying things to just get stuff started and why, does it help? Making little remarks that just add to an already stressful situation. for once this paragraph was not about my in laws, I will get to them since they get a kick out of reading our blogs just to get pissed and throw them up in my husbands face.

Ok, now your turn, if you don't like hearing the truth or facing reality than stop reading, it is simple cause see you can't storm off or hang up the phone when things get to real, cause this is my blog and soldiers I love fight hard everyday so I have the right to say what I damn well please, Thank you little cousin David!

Children are people, they have feelings and opinions. Children can make choices about what they will tolerate just as adults can. When you mess with a child's family they take it personal. Blame us for what you have done if it makes you feel better, I will take the blame if it means my children have peace. I have told them that, blame me if you need a way out and I am fine with that. I am over it and it don't hurt me anymore, you can only burn someone so many times before they quit sticking there hand out or it becomes numb. If my children and let's face it, it is child because there is only one that is really being missed, if my daughter wants to talk and answer her phone she IS ALLOWED TO. She don't want to, even when I ask her to call and say thank you and be polite she don't want to. See I am not the one she is pissed at and the one she is tired of hearing. I am not the person she is avoiding so it may not be my fault. The problem here is when you have controlling people who want to have a say in everything you do, say and feel, they get pissy when you don't let them. Instead of saying I am proud of you for being your own person and taking control they say "you are not good enough and we spit on your for thinking you can do anything with out our approval" well the kids pick up on this, especially when you say inappropriate things to them. See I am their mother, I am allowed to discuss with them what I feel needs to be discusses and sometimes it is not pretty or in your favor, but it is the truth. I keep them informed and prepared and that is how I get their trust. I allow them to talk and have feelings and I don't have to control those feelings. If it makes you feel better to blame me, well it is not ok, but you have the right to do it and I don't care. Some things we break and they can't be fixed, sometimes a decision is made that impacts a person so profoundly that it can not be taken back.

Know that Meredith is being taken care of, her pediatrician is involved and so is her therapist and they both agree with her, not me, not Michael, but her! I have always put the kids first and that is one of the things you hate about me. I put family before other things, those things and problems will be there when I get to them but my family may not, they will out grow these years.

Since day 1 of this journey and before I have always tried to make decisions that are best, not sure if they were all sound ones, but I learned from each one good and bad. I have done what I feel in my heart is the best, not out of anger or control or selfishness, but from my true heart and love for my children and husband. I have no regrets, had not regrets and will have not regrets no matter what the outcome and I feel good about that, I have peace with that. Do you?

So much stuff I would rather be writing about, like our journey and happy stuff, but unfortunately, crisis strikes and brings the stupidity out. I see other families that are helping and caring and loving and understanding and supportive and I hurt for my husband and my children and my self. So much bullshit is talked, so many lies spread when that is not what love and life and support is at all.

I have been there for so many people in my years, I have been a person to talk to, a person to listen, a person for advice, I have given many a place to live, put food in their bellies, I have nurtured and guided. I have loved and supported and I have tried to always be a source of family support and love even when it was not deserved. I am not perfect and I am not bragging or throwing anything up, it is just that I feel it is not appreciated. One person in particular, I have been there for every time she has called, problems, happy, sad worried, she was never there for me, not once, I didn't care or ask her to be. Late nights on the computer talking, early morning phone calls, for 9 years I have tried to be a friend and a sister. The return I have gotten will never be forgotten or forgiven.

I hate to keep writing about negativity, but that is all I have anymore. The positive stuff is few and far between and don't last long enough for me to get to write about it. I am grateful for many things, I have my kids and my husband and I have a few good people in my life that I can turn to, the problem with that is that I have been burned so bad, that I don't really trust. It is hard for me to let go and reach out. I never really let my guard down anymore. I have so much built up inside of me some days I just feel like I am bursting at the seems and the only way to keep that from happening is this. Bitch and let some of it out.

I should be asleep, resting right now, but with so much chaos how can I. Meredith is upset on top of not feeling good, Ethan is acting out because of another person. Michael has been sick this week and irritated and pissy. No one is hearing what he has to say, he is not being respected and he feels angry at those who are causing him to feel that way, but who do you think is getting the grunt of that. Who is the one gets it taken out on them, me and the kids not the people who deserve it. This is what is really bothering me, this where we get to the therapy part, when I figure out the root of my problem. The root of that problem is this, my family and our relationships are being affected by people who don't know there role and continue to cross boundaries. People who have no respect for us, our feelings or what is going on. I tried to respect you and your feelings and be there even though I was going through my own thing, but you are no longer worthy of caring. Almost fooled me again with the little forgiveness, I am sorry circle of life email, but than turned around and put that knife in the back again, didn't even let the last wound heal first.

My kids and husband are hurting and you are making it worse not better. I can't help what you created, I don't know that you can fix it, each day is it looking less likely, I don't really think you want to honestly. Here is some advice though, look at yourself instead of looking for someone to blame, really see how you have acted, what you have said and lines you have crossed, not just since November, but even before. Ask your self, if this was my daughter going through this tough time and her husbands family was treating her and him this way how would I feel about it. If someone was acting this way towards my kids and hurting them what would I say and how would I feel. I am not trying to fix things and I don't even want to anymore, but I am trying to help some to understand. I don't talk about it anymore because I don't care, i don't argue about it because I don't have to. My family will come out of all of this stronger. I know we will.

Not sure what all I have wrote or who will get mad over it and I don't even care to go back reread it because it was all raw emotions and truths. I don't like seeing Meredith this angry, but she owns it, she has the wright to her feelings and they are justified. She got home from therapy and called and wanted to talk and she was shut down. The words used were "I don't know what your talking about" so there was another door slammed, not sure it can be reopened.

So much more I want to say off this topic. Maybe tomorrow, I am so tired and I never get to rest. My brain won't turn off.

It has been a bad day coming off of a bad day and I guess I just need to let that be it and hope for a better tomorrow.

I feel nuts though, I am doing the best I can and feel like I am doing a good job, but I am just getting knocked down from so many directions.

So many stupid things have been said, I want them out of my head, I want to let them go. I will try. I need love too and I just don't have any right now. I am stuck between hurt kids an angry husband and mom that don't know how to be supportive. She tries, but she just don't know how. Wonder why I have lost myself, well mom there is your answer, I love you none the less, even if you don't understand my journey or where I am.