The King has left

Poppa had a bad night, I didn't make it to work this morning because I was up all night with him and my and brain and body is worn out, it is worn for different reasons, but just like his mine is exhausted. It is noon and I am trying to get him to eat. I feel so helpless when he is sick like this. Work needs me, Michael needs me, the kids need me and the bill collectors want me!! I feel so torn all the time and I am always, no matter what I am letting someone down. Sorry, back to Michael. He almost passed out at the doc yesterday when getting blood drawn because he was so weak. He goes back in 3 weeks. His white count is down to 1.9, but his other counts are ok so no blood is needed. Doc was going over the protocol for next round and he said "this going to be a pain in the ass" He said it was going to be real hard on him, but we have to keep our mind on why he is going through it. Than it is hard to keep your mind on why when he is so sick and we know that non Hoskins is UNCURABLE. There is active and not active (remission), but it will never be gone and that sucks and makes it hard to keep your eye on the prize, what is the prize? Remission will be wonderful, I don't want to sound ungrateful if remission is what we get, but it will forever be "is it back" and knowing that after this hell of a round we have 2 years of chemo very similar to what he is doing now and let me tell you it is not fun. I don't know, guess I am having a day, but I am putting a smile on my face and trying to get him to eat because I can't let him know how scared I am or how stressed I am and yes I know he will read this eventually. I am not a dummy, I am stating how I feel, and I know he knows I am scared and stressed and worried. I just feel like I can not express it to him or go to him for comfort. I have been holding back for weeks and not blogging or posting because I want him to think I am positive and in a good place, but he knows better, I am sure the breakdown I had last Wednesday night and all Thursday didn't tip him off either. I really want to be able to hold it all together for him and the kids, I want to be their rock and I feel like I should be in a psych ward most days, not someone else’s rock. When people tell me how strong I am and how wonderful I am doing with it all, I feel like a fraud, because I don’t feel that strong, I don’t feel like I am doing a good job.

Ok I have finally convinced him to eat and he wants a big boy sandwich so I am going to make him get out of the house and take him to get big boy and than I will be back to this because what I thought was going to be a simple group update has turned into a blog entry. I have needed to blog, for me and have not had time, but sometimes things just happen when we need them.

Ok, I am back; he ate well, a patty melt and fries. Now he is lying on the couch watching his fav show, Maury lol. So lunch brings up another issue, I got my lap band tightened last Monday. This was my third fill and has really restricted my eating, which I needed, but it is hard. I quit smoking a year ago, have lost 90 lbs and still have a lot more to lose so it is necessary to get healthy, but c’mon! I can’t smoke, eat and sure as hell don’t make enough money to drink. Some days it is so hard to not just buy a pack of smokes. It would crush the kids and I know it would wreak havoc on my lungs and I have worked so hard to improve my health, but some days the stress is over whelming and all I can think of is relief. Some days are worse than others. Some days are good and I cherish those days, but even the good days, I don’t fully enjoy because I am on edge waiting for something to go wrong or bad.

My mom is nuts and is poison to my life, my dad is absent as he has always been. This is a time when I need them, I need my daddy to hug me and tell me it will be ok or if it is not ok he is there for me. I could use that motherly advice or that mom time when you talk like they do in the movies and have that mom to mom heart felt talk lol. Well instead, my dad is doing what ever he is doing, I wasn’t even invited over for Easter and the rest of the family was. My mom, well she told my son’s psychiatrist we abuse him and there is domestic violence in my home all because she is mental and has this weird obsession with my son. She truly thinks if she could get him taken from me than she could get custody of him, like that will ever happen! She hates men, my husband and my sister’s fiancé included. She also can’t stand my 8 year old daughter so let her say she is not mental, no one sane could dislike a child the way she can. She has always been that way! Her step children, other children. She is not right in the head and I can’t fix her and I quit trying. For years I have been there for her and tried to help her all the while reaching out to her trying to get a mom out of that mess and I give up on that. I don’t have the energy anymore, she thinks I won’t cut her out of my life, well I cut dad years ago and I can you also. I have to worry about me sometimes and you are not healthy for me or my family. Your grandson is traumatized by you, not me, you!!

I have also been thinking about a great friend of mine that passed away several years ago. I couldn’t figure out why he had been on my mind so much the last week until I was laying in bed a few nights ago and it hit me that it was May, he was born and died in May and even I didn’t realize it consciously my subconscious knew. I never had closure there, my life went a different direction than his, we would write and talk on the phone all the time, he was my closest friend and I talked to him about things that I still have not shared to this day with others. We got each other. I loved him like a brother, a best friend indeed. I decided to have children, something we said we would never do, because we were rock stars. Also I moved hours away. I still have letters from him and one in particular where he tells me he loves me, we were not big on feelings. I was reading it recently and it just got me. Here is the thing about his death, I didn’t know he died. Like I said we had grew a part some over the years and went our own direction. I would call him sometimes and check in and we would talk for hours and it was good. I had called him when I got out of the hospital when Meredith was born in April and he was having a issue with his girlfriend and she called in on the line and she said “call me back, I need to talk to her” I said “I see you don’t have time for me anymore” He said “promise you will call back” and I said “yeah asshole I will call you back” I didn’t call back, he died in May. I didn’t know. I called once more a few months later, late at night; I called late, and didn’t get an answer. I got busy with life and a second child and buying a house and so on. Well the following May (a year after he died) I moved in to my house and as I was unpacking I found a letter I wrote him, telling him about the KISS and Aerosmith concert I had went to and I never mailed the letter. This made me think of him, it was like 2 or 3 in the morning so I thought; “I am going to call him tomorrow”. Well I got on the computer and I was thinking about him and I started to Google the name of his band and such to see if I could find anything new with that. I thought I will find out what he has been into and when I call him tomorrow I will have something to talk about other than the kids. He was always aggravated that I decided to have kids and he hated my ex husband. Again, he was still a rock star and I was mom! Well I googled the band, didn’t find much so I than I started doing searches on him and I didn’t expect to find a group on MySpace that was a “memorial” to him. The person who was running it was another friend of mine that I had lost touch with, so I emailed her to see if this was real, I mean knowing him it could have been fake, he was twisted like that, we both were at one time. It was several days before I heard back from her and I was afraid to call his home, his parent’s home. When she wrote back I found that it was true, he was gone and I didn’t know, I didn’t go to the funeral, I didn’t pay my respects to his family that I loved, his sister, him mom and dad were the most amazing people you could meet, The whole family was just awesome. His mom was a great cook, always made interesting things, the last time I was in to visit she made this real neat pizza’s, Lennon and I we liked bagels and ketchup lol. For a small town, this family was a breath of fresh air. I had not, have not told them I found out or how much I am sorry or how much I loved Lennon and how much of an impact this news made on my life. I didn’t sleep for a long time, I would dream of him; I miss him all the time. We were not everyday talking friends anymore; we didn’t hang out because we lived so far apart. We had grown apart in many ways, but our souls were still best friends I feel. I still felt he was my best friends, had, have a picture of the 2 of us up in my home and would, still say “Oh that me and my best friend when we were in high school” when people ask about it. The picture is in my room now, I like having him close to my dreams. I can’t bring my self to get closure to this, I want to, and every year for several years now I go through this struggle with my self that wants to confront it, but can not. Part of me can still pretend like he is living his life and doing all the things we had talked about if I don’t confront it. We just lost touch and he is doing great things. He is alive and well. I know that is not true, but I guess I can still kind of feel that way, but the sadness I have and the quilt I hold for not knowing and for missing that and If I had been a better friend could I have seen it coming, could I have helped him? The guilt of not knowing and the guilt of not dealing with it once I knew is something I can not get past. No one knew how to get a hold of me, he was literally the only person I kept contact with from Hazard at the time, I didn’t care to keep contact with anyone else. I had some issues from that place. I would go to visit him and that was it. I have not been there in years. I am contemplating going to visit a friend, his friend, my friend, our friend, whom is having a baby. I want to go and see her so bad, I miss her and I am so happy that this baby is coming, though I don’t express it to her. She is an amazing person hat I love with all my heart and whom made an impact on me in my life. The thought of going back though, to see her brings up so much that I have been avoiding dealing with and I am scared to face those feelings and her. How could I not know he was gone?

I am really a messed up person, so you see why I feel like I am living a lie when people say how strong I am. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak. I feel like a crazy person most days. I am scared that I will lose Michael; I am scared to face the fact that I lost Lennon and I scared to live my self, because to live you have to feel.

Well I guess that is that. My therapy session. I really need to blog more, I need to because righting is my therapy, someone needs to remind me to write instead of trying to sort over a months worth of mess in one entry J

I give

Not much to say tonight except it is time for me to get off the ride. I having nothing else to give say do and I don't want to feel.

Love you all always!!

lean on me, so I can move and you can fall on your head

Sometimes you are alone and sometimes you feel alone, not sure which category I fall in to. People are around, but are they really. A few are there, I know that I can talk to and that will listen and give me sound advice. There are a few that I trust to really understand and not judge and be selfish assholes, but it is just not the same. It is not that everyday support that one would think a family would have when dealing with this pile of shit I call life.

I don't get it, I feel sad for us and I am us. The people we are supposed to be our biggest supporters are ones that would rather pull us down farther. Well let me tell you assholes, it is not possible, we are already at rock bottom and doing all we can to climb back up that mountain that used to be mole hill. Why is it that so much energy is wasted on bullshit, stuff that is not so important in the big picture, but can cause so much harm daily to feelings, emotions, attitudes and stress levels and well these things make the big picture. It can be a happy picture and it is not! It can be an unhappy picture which it is and it is starting to effect our attitudes and how we are dealing. We have done a good job as a family and when I say family I mean Michael the kids and I, of pulling together and doing what is needed to stay positive, laugh, cry when is needed and keep on going. Than you have people who's sole purpose is to bring you down, cause trouble and try to make it all look like your fault because what kind of people would they be if they were causing the trouble?

Some people just don't know when to shut up and butt out. Your help is appreciated, but you don't have to cause trouble. You tell me to take care of myself and than you refuse to let me have any time to do it, it seems like every time I try to rest, take any me time or make things easier for myself you cause trouble, start doing what you do best, saying things to just get stuff started and why, does it help? Making little remarks that just add to an already stressful situation. for once this paragraph was not about my in laws, I will get to them since they get a kick out of reading our blogs just to get pissed and throw them up in my husbands face.

Ok, now your turn, if you don't like hearing the truth or facing reality than stop reading, it is simple cause see you can't storm off or hang up the phone when things get to real, cause this is my blog and soldiers I love fight hard everyday so I have the right to say what I damn well please, Thank you little cousin David!

Children are people, they have feelings and opinions. Children can make choices about what they will tolerate just as adults can. When you mess with a child's family they take it personal. Blame us for what you have done if it makes you feel better, I will take the blame if it means my children have peace. I have told them that, blame me if you need a way out and I am fine with that. I am over it and it don't hurt me anymore, you can only burn someone so many times before they quit sticking there hand out or it becomes numb. If my children and let's face it, it is child because there is only one that is really being missed, if my daughter wants to talk and answer her phone she IS ALLOWED TO. She don't want to, even when I ask her to call and say thank you and be polite she don't want to. See I am not the one she is pissed at and the one she is tired of hearing. I am not the person she is avoiding so it may not be my fault. The problem here is when you have controlling people who want to have a say in everything you do, say and feel, they get pissy when you don't let them. Instead of saying I am proud of you for being your own person and taking control they say "you are not good enough and we spit on your for thinking you can do anything with out our approval" well the kids pick up on this, especially when you say inappropriate things to them. See I am their mother, I am allowed to discuss with them what I feel needs to be discusses and sometimes it is not pretty or in your favor, but it is the truth. I keep them informed and prepared and that is how I get their trust. I allow them to talk and have feelings and I don't have to control those feelings. If it makes you feel better to blame me, well it is not ok, but you have the right to do it and I don't care. Some things we break and they can't be fixed, sometimes a decision is made that impacts a person so profoundly that it can not be taken back.

Know that Meredith is being taken care of, her pediatrician is involved and so is her therapist and they both agree with her, not me, not Michael, but her! I have always put the kids first and that is one of the things you hate about me. I put family before other things, those things and problems will be there when I get to them but my family may not, they will out grow these years.

Since day 1 of this journey and before I have always tried to make decisions that are best, not sure if they were all sound ones, but I learned from each one good and bad. I have done what I feel in my heart is the best, not out of anger or control or selfishness, but from my true heart and love for my children and husband. I have no regrets, had not regrets and will have not regrets no matter what the outcome and I feel good about that, I have peace with that. Do you?

So much stuff I would rather be writing about, like our journey and happy stuff, but unfortunately, crisis strikes and brings the stupidity out. I see other families that are helping and caring and loving and understanding and supportive and I hurt for my husband and my children and my self. So much bullshit is talked, so many lies spread when that is not what love and life and support is at all.

I have been there for so many people in my years, I have been a person to talk to, a person to listen, a person for advice, I have given many a place to live, put food in their bellies, I have nurtured and guided. I have loved and supported and I have tried to always be a source of family support and love even when it was not deserved. I am not perfect and I am not bragging or throwing anything up, it is just that I feel it is not appreciated. One person in particular, I have been there for every time she has called, problems, happy, sad worried, she was never there for me, not once, I didn't care or ask her to be. Late nights on the computer talking, early morning phone calls, for 9 years I have tried to be a friend and a sister. The return I have gotten will never be forgotten or forgiven.

I hate to keep writing about negativity, but that is all I have anymore. The positive stuff is few and far between and don't last long enough for me to get to write about it. I am grateful for many things, I have my kids and my husband and I have a few good people in my life that I can turn to, the problem with that is that I have been burned so bad, that I don't really trust. It is hard for me to let go and reach out. I never really let my guard down anymore. I have so much built up inside of me some days I just feel like I am bursting at the seems and the only way to keep that from happening is this. Bitch and let some of it out.

I should be asleep, resting right now, but with so much chaos how can I. Meredith is upset on top of not feeling good, Ethan is acting out because of another person. Michael has been sick this week and irritated and pissy. No one is hearing what he has to say, he is not being respected and he feels angry at those who are causing him to feel that way, but who do you think is getting the grunt of that. Who is the one gets it taken out on them, me and the kids not the people who deserve it. This is what is really bothering me, this where we get to the therapy part, when I figure out the root of my problem. The root of that problem is this, my family and our relationships are being affected by people who don't know there role and continue to cross boundaries. People who have no respect for us, our feelings or what is going on. I tried to respect you and your feelings and be there even though I was going through my own thing, but you are no longer worthy of caring. Almost fooled me again with the little forgiveness, I am sorry circle of life email, but than turned around and put that knife in the back again, didn't even let the last wound heal first.

My kids and husband are hurting and you are making it worse not better. I can't help what you created, I don't know that you can fix it, each day is it looking less likely, I don't really think you want to honestly. Here is some advice though, look at yourself instead of looking for someone to blame, really see how you have acted, what you have said and lines you have crossed, not just since November, but even before. Ask your self, if this was my daughter going through this tough time and her husbands family was treating her and him this way how would I feel about it. If someone was acting this way towards my kids and hurting them what would I say and how would I feel. I am not trying to fix things and I don't even want to anymore, but I am trying to help some to understand. I don't talk about it anymore because I don't care, i don't argue about it because I don't have to. My family will come out of all of this stronger. I know we will.

Not sure what all I have wrote or who will get mad over it and I don't even care to go back reread it because it was all raw emotions and truths. I don't like seeing Meredith this angry, but she owns it, she has the wright to her feelings and they are justified. She got home from therapy and called and wanted to talk and she was shut down. The words used were "I don't know what your talking about" so there was another door slammed, not sure it can be reopened.

So much more I want to say off this topic. Maybe tomorrow, I am so tired and I never get to rest. My brain won't turn off.

It has been a bad day coming off of a bad day and I guess I just need to let that be it and hope for a better tomorrow.

I feel nuts though, I am doing the best I can and feel like I am doing a good job, but I am just getting knocked down from so many directions.

So many stupid things have been said, I want them out of my head, I want to let them go. I will try. I need love too and I just don't have any right now. I am stuck between hurt kids an angry husband and mom that don't know how to be supportive. She tries, but she just don't know how. Wonder why I have lost myself, well mom there is your answer, I love you none the less, even if you don't understand my journey or where I am.

Singing hey hey Momma can MY daddy come home!

I would like to start this entry off by saying I promise for this one entry I will not use the "F" word, just for you Grandma, because I love you so berry much :) .

     Nothing profound to say this evening, not that any of my ramblings are profound, but this one will be even less so. Just can't sleep for no particular reason and thinking about my children and how much they mean to me and how much daddy means to them. They keep asking me when daddy gets to come home, not sure if it is because they really miss him or because they are having a blast running over momo every minute of the day. I mourn for my babies this evening, I have been looking over pictures this evening, going through the gazillion I have on my computer of us all having fun, being silly, and enjoying life. Nothing stopped us from having fun, not money or time. Cancer however unfortunately seems to have stopped fun right in its track! We still try to make the best of things, and we have not given up getting our happy back, but it just is not the same for them or us. I can feel it and I know they can. It used to be "family" fun, but now it is different. Daddy is sick and can't enjoy a lot of the things we do even though he tries to be present for most of it and I spend most of our time trying to balance making it fun for them and being silly me and worrying and taking care of poppa. So I just get lost in the mix and don't really take the time that I used to order to cease the moment.

     Money is a bigger issue than it was before so I have to cut back on things we do, but that is not the biggest issue, there is still things to be done, Gilda's has a lot of fun things to do, there is things free or cheap every where, but we have to have time now, which was never a problem before, also I find that one major obstacle in having family fun, whether it be out or at home is that I am afraid to plan, I am afraid to get their hopes up. Life has become so unpredictable that there is a good chance they will get let down if I do or I will have to choose between them and him and that is just not fair! We went to Gilda's Mardi gras, well Meredith and I did, but it was a hard decision to make. Poppa was not having a good day, yet I did promise Meredith we would go and I should not have don't that. She is having such a hard time with all this that I just could not bear the thought of hurting her or letting her down and Michael being the father he is completely understood and would not hear of me having her miss it. We went and I had fun with Meredith and my niece Kansas. They had a blast running around being silly and doing their favorite thing, arts and crafts! In the first hour I did good, I was moving and groovin and hot gluein, laughin and dancin with them, but past that, I was just wore out for one, he had been sick all day and than I was worried about him being alone. I was txting and calling him and the girls noticed that I checked out, I tried to get my grove back, but I lost them, they left me and went to noogieland to color. They were ok with it, but I was not. I felt like I let them down. I know that their minds were with me though and Daddy or Uncle Mike, because when it was time to go and I went to noogieland to collect them they had made pictures for the both of us and they were so excited to take the float we made for Turtle home. It is on top of the fridge waiting for him to get home, we put it there cause we figure that will be the first place he goes since he eats all the time lol.

     I have Meredith an appointment on Tuesday to see her pediatrician, she is just not her bubbly self anymore, she wants to sleep more, her head hurts all the time, she has lost interest in many things she loved to do. I have to force her to go to cheerleading, or to go to the store. She gets angry easily and bursts out at anyone who looks at her sideways. That mommy in me wants to make it all better for her, I want to make the hurt, confusion, and doubts go away. I want her to feel safe and secure and confident, but cancer has taken that from her. I start to feel like I have failed her, because for one I can't fix it and second my husband’s family have made me feel that way. I have been criticized since the day he was diagnosed with how I have handled the kids and everything they think I have done wrong. I have always put my children first and I love them more than anything I can imagine. Part of taking care of them is taking care of their daddy and it seems they get that more than some of the judgmental adults in the situation. This is another blog entry though; I have not found forgiveness for some people even though I want to be that bigger person who can. I am not there yet. Meredith is a daddy's girl so I am sure this is why she is having the harder time of the two. She could use a strong male there right now, not to replace daddy, not to make her forget him, but to just make her feel safe again. The men that could give this to her are not. The man who probably means the second most to her is her Pawpaw and he has checked out also, putting his own feeling before those of his grandkids and his son. Michael needed him also and when he reached out to him, he was also let down, he is a big boy though and he can get through it. Meredith is a little girl who feels like she is losing her daddy even though we know she is not; it feels that way to her. She don't need all the silliness in her life no more than Michael or Ethan or I do. She don't trust anyone right now except me so that means she comes to me for everything and I am afraid that I may miss something or not be there when she needs me, I am a hot commodity these days and run around like a hamster in a wheel. Aunts that could also have been an important part in catching her decided that the easiest thing was to put it all on mommy and criticize her for not being superwoman and being able to do it all while processing her feelings, when what they could have done is own their role a little bit, for once and been there for her also, been that back up, instead they chose to just go ahead and ensure she would not trust them and they did that with their actions. Just recently one aunt came over to bring valentines and I caught myself trying to make Meredith interact and show appreciation to her, but why did I do that, she is entitled to be angry also and she is. She won't admit it to the people she is angry with because that is not her nature, she will admit it to me and she will show those feelings in subtle ways like ignoring you. I told her she was being rude and tried to make her be nice, but later when I was thinking about, more or less saying to myself that is something else I will be ripped over, talked about, criticized and blamed for, it hit me, what about why she did it, her feelings must be hurt over something, before cancer she would have been all over her aunt wanting to hang out, craving that attention she never gets. She is where I am, she is over it, and just don't care anymore, I don't want her there. She should not be there, but she is entitled to her feelings. We will get to bottom of it and I will do everything in MY power to help her.

      Ethan he is dealing a little better with most of it. His disabilities have kinda put him at an advantage in this situation. He is used to dealing with adversity. He is used to being in his own little world most of the time and cancer feels that way, like you are in this secret world. Also his comprehension is lower and he doesn’t fully understand the extent of what we are dealing with. It is effecting him though, don't get me wrong he is having issues also, but he seems to having healthier reaction and I feel that is partially because he has learned good coping skills in the last few years just dealing with life. He will ask me every now and than if dad is going to die and I assure him dad is a fighter and we are beating this and he smiles, he don't have to say anything I can see the relief in his smile. This round, while dad has been in the hospital he has been taking things of Michaels and wearing them and trying to keep them. He snuck Michaels class ring and watch and was wearing them, I had to take them away because I didn't want them lost, he has also been getting his wrestling belt down, trying it on and holding it, but he puts it back. I think that is his way of feeling close to Michael. He loves that man so much, they but head a lot and give each other a hard time, but he loves him so much and respects him so much. Dads and sons butt heads and push each other. He trusts me when I tell him everything is going to be ok, Meredith is more skeptical. He probably has the most fun of all of us, he is just a fun loving kid, he doesn’t let anything stop him anymore. He acts out sometimes, but over all he is handling things pretty well considering.

    I must have done some things right, my kids turned out ok and they love me and Michael. They may end up in therapy at some point because of us, but they will still love us :)

    As much as people want me to believe I am the problem, I don't believe that, I think sometimes I miss things and as much as I love my children, right now daddy needs me a little more and I will be there for all of them if it kills me. If I was the problem than I would be the one they have issues with and I am not.

     I just want to get thing back to a place we can all enjoy life again. Being alive is good, but what good is it if you are not living? We have to start living again. I have been working that back in to life and we have so much to look forward to, summer is almost here and Gilda’s has a lot going on the next few months also so we will get it back. Wow this therapy works, I feel better after blogging this out!

I need to blog again though after this one because it has brought out some other feelings about people and things I have been struggling with, but I need to process that some more before I do write about it. Once you emotionally beat the shit out of people you can not expect they are going to just get over it because you are. One person is trying, but my give a damn is still busted and I am not happy about it, but it just is. I am giving that to god and hoping he will send me in the right direction with that one.

For Hire, Body doubles

     I woke this morning after maybe 3 hours of sleep, eyes swollen so bad I could barely crack them open and they burn to. My head feels like a fat man is stepping on it. My body screams for some attention. I can't do it today, My husband had a bad night, no doubt brought on by his inability to just walk away from the ignorance that is his family. He has to argue with them, he thinks they will change or they will just all the sudden decide he is a priority or worth more than a dollar. His counts are down instead of up, he is out of it completely, and devistated at what his life has become, he was supposed to get out of the hospital today, but that is not going to happen.

     Meredith is sick, fever, throwing up, headach, is it an illness or is that child just stressed out, I don't know. We are all stressed out and the kids are no exception. I can't even comfort her right now, what I want is to crawl in the bed with her and hold her and sleep it all off, both of us just sleep and cry, but I can't. She may be contagious if it is a bug or sickness and with Michaels white counts being at 0.38 this morning I can not take the chance of carring it back to him.

I need to be at work getting another day of pay on that check, I can not afford to be here on a day like today, but what do I do. Even if Michael was doing well and Meredith was not sick, my body is wore down, this 5 days at the hospital and him being so sick, and the house, and lawyers and the kids and the worry and the arguing and the lack of sleep. Plus I have not been to the gym and I am stress eating for sure. I am all out of wack, things are just so , well they are just so.

I need a hug, but I don't like to be touched, if I get hugged I cry, I don't wanna cry. I need to feel so not alone and I know I am not, I have people, I have good people who are supportive, like most of you reading this, but I still feel alone. I could use Gilda's tonite, but he is sick and I won't go beause so much is going on, but still it is nice to know they are there.

I am needed every where and I need to be every where and How do you decide what is more important! The husband, the kids, making money?!? All of them are important.

Now on top of all the rest, I have to try and find a place to live. I won't go in to all that again, but rest assured very few people will have the address!!!!

We will one day get our happy back....................... I hope!

Dear Cancer,

Some days I just don't want to wake up anymore, the nightmare that is my life has become worse than anything my corrupt mind could dream up. Uncertainty, frustration, fear, scary uncaring people, everything around me falling apart, it is all here in reality. Have you ever had that dream that you are falling off a cliff and than you wake up right before SPLAT! Well I am trying to wake up! I actually was thinking today what if I did just go SPLAT! No I am not suicidal, I again, don't need an intervention, I am just as always working out some feelings. All I do is worry and cry anymore, my boss is even scared to talk to me because all I do is cry. I can't concentrate on work because I cry, when I am with Michael I hold in the tears and worry worry worry and than as soon as I get away from him I cry!!

I don't feel strong anymore, I feel like everything is unfixable, I feel like I will never have any sort of a life back. If we beat this cancer than what, we start to rebuild I guess, but how and than what if it comes back, I know the chances of it coming back are greater than it not coming back and I know that if it does come back than the chances of chemo working again are even smaller.

Fuck you cancer, fuck you! fuck you! fuck you! You have taken everything good away, fuck you again! We were happy, we had a reason to smile and fuck you! You stole it from us, took away our happy! I know I should be grateful that he is alive, we caught it and he is fighting, I should be, but I am not, I don't want any part of you. Fuck you Cancer! I hate you; I wish you were tangible so I could kill you!

You need to go hell and burn! You have made my life hell and I hate you! You are worse than any scary movie, any bad dream or any other stress I have known. I can not escape you, you piece of shit! I hate you! You are there in my dreams, when I wake up and everything I do or don't do reminds me of you!

You make me angry! You are fucking with my kids; their security and well being and NO ONE or NOTHING fucks with my kids! You tear apart families, relationships, you make me sick and you make him sick! Nothing about you is good; you can not be transformed in to anything useful. You have no positive purpose. All you do is ruin everything you come in contact with. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have turned in to an angry pissed off person lately and I try to snap out of it, I try to be better than you! I want to be better than you, I should be better than you!

Again fuck you cancer, that is all and don't bother writing back, you say enough by just being present in my life!

From the bottom of my heart,
The bitch who hates you!

Roller Coaster of Love hate discontent and fear........

    
This has defiantly been a roller coaster ride with ups, downs, twists, turns, and loopdeloops. Trust me it is not as much fun as it sounds, especially when your seat belt snaps and you have to hold on so tight your knuckles bleed just to keep from falling off! I know I use a lot of analogies, but  this is how I feel at the moment and I know there is someone who knows exactly that feeling I just described.

                                   

     This entry starts very similar to a few before, I am sitting here in the hospital watching him sleep listening to depressing music and trying to find my faith as well as really try to figure out the purpose of this roller coaster ride. I keep hearing that "everything happens for a reason" or "this will make you stronger". So there must be a lesson, a reason to this rhyme right? Michael thinks he has figured it out, but I am not so sure. His theory is that this has happened to him so he could find out some truths, his truths are that these feelings he has had his whole life that he was not loved, respected, wanted or equal are true, now if you ask me that is a shitty lesson! Here,  you can have this cancer with a side of shitty realizations to go along with it. His feelings are valid and I can see why he feels the way he does, but I don't believe this is the lesson to be learned. To be honest I don't think there is one.

     We have gotten a lot out of this journey, good and bad, and some that is yet to be determined. We have renewed our love and respect for each other, not that it was not there before, but it may have gotten a little lost in translation. Not taking each other for granted anymore, listening not just hearing, living in the moment, every moment because we don't know what the next one will hold. Instead of remembering the friendship and love and getting by on that we are defiantly living it again. I am grateful that we love each other so true, that is how we are making it, no doubt in my mind that is what has got us this far.

     We went to Gilda's for couple’s night Thursday; it was just great, the connection and the laughter! There were these cards on the table, date night conversation starter type cards, so we decided to play along and read the questions and answer them. One of the cards said something to effect of "what do you love most about... “I wish I had kept that card, but I didn't. He says to me that he loves that I love him, he says he never felt anyone truly loved him until me and he continues to go in to details giving me some examples of why he feels that way, I will keep those to myself as they are not my memories to share, but this should have made me feel good, but it hurt me for him, it made me sad that he has truly felt so unloved and unwanted in life. He said to me that the only reason he fights is because of me and the kids and if it was not for us he would have no reason to go to treatment or fight. Again, didn't make me feel good, I am glad he wants to live for us, but I want him to want to live for him! I knew he had hurt feelings and had dealt with a lot of feeling through out his life, before me, and since me, but I didn't realize how deep some of these cuts are and so much more makes sense to me about his feelings and how stubborn he is being about some issues. I am glad I understand more, but I hurt more for him, the pain in his eyes is greater than it has ever been. He feels so betrayed, invisible and disappointed, just plain hurt and I can not take that away. No one can, this roller coaster has changed him more than many people realize, and I don't think he will ever forgive, forget, or find peace in peoples actions and feelings that arose in him because of those actions.

     It is hard to find the positive in what he is going through emotionally, but I try, we try, we talk and we try. He feels stronger, he feels like he has found his voice in a family and world that has over looked his voice, they heard him in the past, it is hard not to, he is loud, but they never really listened to him and he finally feels he has made them listen to him, and he thought that this would mend some relationships and things would change once he was heard, but that is not the case and it is no longer what he wants. My husband is hard to get to know, he don't let many people in his heart, he don't let many people get to know him, really know him, I think I may honestly be one of the only people and perhaps Goi, who know who he is and can feel the person he really is. This is why I fell in love with him because I was able to get to know him, the amazing person he is, the humor, the love, the hurt, it is all who he is, but what most people get is the hurt, he protects him self from relationships that can hurt him, I get it. This is one reason I love that we found Gilda’s; he lets him self be him when we are there and he allows himself to connect with others. I never thought that would happen, but I am glad it has. I think part of the reason this experiment worked is because he found his voice, he has accepted that just because the people he wanted to listen didn't respond don't mean no one will. I am not sure what the point is to my rambling once again on this issue with my husband, but it is stuff on my mind and I am writer so I write and he will read and I think he will see that I get it even though I am not good at speaking it. Michael you are growing as a person because you feel free to do so, let it happen and don't fight it. The past is just that. I love you asshole!

     Another thing he said to me regarding the same card and same question was that he loved how strong I was and how he wishes he was as strong as I am. He said that with everything I have been through in my life and with my family that I am strong and have been able to figure it out and make it work and still be strong. First of all my love YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I told you that and you said "you may be right" , no I am right. You are fighting the fight of your life, found your voice and still manage to make me feel like the most loved wife in the world. You are stronger than you have ever been! Second, I am not as strong as I appear, I am good at appearing to be strong, see pervious blog entries and I explain this. I know I am strong enough, but not as strong as you think I am or even as strong as I want to be. Just know that it is a work in progress and the only difference is that 1. I started my work before you did and 2. I am better at hiding my feelings and that, my love, is not a good attribute.

     I have been told that we have so much on our plates and we are handling it so well, I agree that we do have a lot on our plates, but I am sure if we are handling it all well. I try, but I just can't, hold it all together. The reality is that we may lose our house, I have been going nuts trying to keep it, but it is coming to a point where I have to choose between the payments or his treatments and I choose his life and no matter how you put it or rationalize it or deny the truth of the situation we are in, I will always choose his life. Than again what have I been trying to hold on to, is it really ours, nothing in our life has been for quite some time and we have just pretended things were different. We allowed control of our lives because we didn't see an alternative, we thought that it was love, but that is not love. It is easy for a person to say "you have to", but it is a lot harder to be the person who can not do it all alone. Medications, appointments, co pays, food, gas, house hold goods and so on and so forth all the while he needs me, work is no longer the priority, keeping him alive and well and healthy is and I can not do those things and maintain the income we need, even if I didn't have to miss a day work, the income would still not be there for it all, I can not change that and these are just some financial truths I have to admit, no matter how many times I say " I will figure it out" or "I will make it work" I can not, no matter how much I want to. The last couple years have sucked, my health has been shit and I have worked hard to turn that around and I am doing it, the economy has been shit and we have fought and managed to keep what some others were not able to maintain, we maintained with out totally sacrificing our children’s child hood and I don't care who disagrees with that! Have your own families before you judge mine and even than, just saying " I would do this or that" is just saying, you don't know what you would do, I didn't know what I would do and still don't know tomorrow what I will do when things come up! We were struggling and it may be easier to pretend that is not the case. Also you failed to realize that in this current situation, out of the current people who "know best" we were the only ones raising a family amongst the health issues and economy and than just when we saw the light at the end of the tunnel, just when mike got on state and finances started to get better, and just when we started to turn our health around, and just when we finally started to feel that we were going to make it and we didn't have to feel LESS THAN ALL OF YOU ALL ANYMORE, he gets cancer, because the universe thinks that we need a little more and NONE OF YOU KNOW OR CARE WHAT EFFECTS THAT REALLY HAS ON A FAMILY! I am sorry I guess I am pissed at the lack of support and understanding and willingness to do the right thing. I am pissed that despite all my efforts I am failing, but at some of the less important things in my opinion, I may not be able to pay every bill, but I have kept, my husband and kids emotionally and physically sound, that is until other people think they have the right to mess it up. I miss work, I stay up nights, I go to appointments every day to make sure that my children have a father and that my best friend is healthy and has every chance to win the battle of our life. I am pissed that no matter how hard I try, that peoples actions and lies can land him in this bed, sick and having to fight harder, the same people who said to me that "stress is cancer's enemy" yet they pile it on, because what they might or might not get or have, or the control they desire is more important. Just know this I am fighting for the right reasons so I will come out on top. We love the home we have built and I hate for my children to lose that with everything else we have been through, but believe this, no matter what our home will be where we are and our love will over come the HURT. I didn't realize I was so pissed; I have been trying to hard to keep him from being so upset and trying to keep it from affecting his health that I have not expressed my feelings. This is just the financial stress and it is not even the most stressful in our lives so think on that one. At 23 we thought we had a bright future at our fingertips and I am sorry that you feel we made promises we could not keep, we didn't know the future no more than you did. You need to admit though, you made much bigger promises that you have not kept, the promise to love unconditionally, the promise to support, the promise to always be there, these are promises we make to our children and those were never fulfilled. We take responsibility for all we have done, but we were growing up and that is what we were supposed to do, make mistakes and learn and grow, what is your excuse! 
  
     Also insulting my parenting on face book and yes I hear about it, it is laughable, let’s see how well you parent, you can't even handle being an aunt and the responsibilities that comes along with that so let’s see how well you do at parenting! FedEx is after all heartfelt and loving! It is that personal touch the kids need during the hardest months in there young lives to date. I mean it was more than expected since Valentines Day is not a required occasion to acknowledge the children exist, it was not a birthday or Christmas so I guess it is a step up, if that is what you want to call it. It is easy to accuse and assume things when you are not around to know the situation or the other side and you are not the one having to figure out what is the right thing to do. You are not the one with the internal struggle for what is best and that struggle of trying to sort out their feelings, your feelings, and the harm that is being done by all the negativity. Let me call you names, lie about you, refuse to support you when you need me. Let me tell your children half truths about you when I am hurt or mad and than turn them back over to me the next time I am mad. Oh never mind, YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN, so you could not possibly understand the turmoil that is parenting and trying to make the right decisions and not always knowing what is the best decision. I am going to use a potty mouth now, but I am thinking it so I may as well say it because I am tired of holding my feelings in! Who the fuck do you think you are!?! Why the hell do you have a horse in this race!?! What gives you the right to pass judgment on me!?! Saying my children are pawns, BULLSHIT, I have been there mother everyday for their whole life! I have parented them and I have done a DAMN good job weather you think so or not!!!!!

     The rest of you have been part time fixtures and givers of material gifts and that is the extent of it. Even the ones who were there in the early years of their lives and I don't have to point fingers for you to know who you are, the guilt is there, you found your own life that didn't include them and that has been the case for the last couple years until daddy got sick and than you wanted to swoop in and play grandparents of the year! It is easier to throw some money their way than it is to be there, it is easier to control a person’s life than it is to teach them to control their own life, and it is easier to push a person down than it is to hold them up when they need it. I am not saying that the help we have gotten was not appreciated, I am not saying that we didn't take it when offered, but we accepted it because we thought at the time it was coming from a place of love and understanding, not a place of judgment and control. We showed our gratitude by love, including you in our lives, telling you thank you, doing things when we could to show we thought of you! It was not good enough and obviously neither was we! 

     We have stood on our own 2 feet for many years now, we have struggled, but we have came a long way and I don't care what people say or the lies they tell we know the truth! And so do the people close to us, the ones who really know us, and the ones who have been around us, spent time with us, and know our hearts! Brining up things from years ago I mean really, we must be doing things right if you have to rely on mistakes that are 5 years old or older is all I can say! 

I put people before my own family that were not worthy! I thought they loved me and my son as though we were family and I was wrong, you included us, but you didn't love us and the truth comes out at the worst possible time. I was a fool to believe you and to be ashamed of my own family because you made me feel that they were not good enough. My family has issues, I know, but so does yours and much bigger ones. I expected things to go much different, I expected you to be there and expected my own blood, my own family to hurt me and I got the opposite and that has changed how I feel and it makes me sad that I gave you more credit than you deserved. 

This is MY blog and it is my therapy. I have been holding a lot in, I have not expressed these feelings to my husband, my mother, my sister, I have only expressed these to one person whom I will not name, but just know that this person and I are in a 2 person club who know what it feels like to not be accepted, but person I know you are reading this and I feel this way, I would rather be an outsider than part of something so wrong.  

If you are reading this and I pissed you off than good! I have been pissed off for quite some time, glad to have some company. If you got pissed off than it is because you fucked up, not me! Sorry Christian friends, there goes that mouth again, but I need to let it out and I think god understands that!

You know the saying, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on, well piss on you too, I am not sure which is better, but you deserve the best!

Peace out!